Moving ON: BW-Sign up with Online Dating Sites! You Only Need ONE "Mr. Right," Marriage Announcement

***Please watch this Indie short film about a bw-am couple and VOTE for it ASAP!*** Let's SUPPORT!

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Bw, y'all really must sign up on one or more online dating sites. Right Now!  For ex. the online dating site in my sidebar (blackfemaleinterracial.com) is a PORTAL site through which you will be able to access potentially hundreds of thousands of others who are interested in interracial dating. All you need to meet is ONE "Mr. Right." I read sometimes where some bw bemoan that men on some dating sites are not swooning over them. In a way, this sounds like an "ego trip" desire. Think about that. You do NOT need to have thousands of men swooning over you because if you're like most of us, we can only deal with ONE serious swooner at a time. LOL!  Please stop taking everything personally. You've got to be goal oriented and be relentless about reaching your goal of having a high quality life. For many women, a Quality man is a component in a life of quality.

I've heard from many bw who've gotten wonderful results (love and marriage with a quality man) from taking a chance at love on one of these sites. (One such couple is featured in BOOK 2 of my series of books. If interested in reading about it, please CLICK HERE for BOOK 2.)

This particular bw was a "Nothing but a bm woman," who swore she would never "jump the fence" but met a wonderful diplomat husband and says now that she can relax and couldn't be happier.  Now what are the chances of meeting a man  of this type in a typical black neighborhood or black social circle?  ZILCH.

Essence Atkins, Actress and husband, Jaime Mendez,  who she met on Match.com  THANKS ML & X for this pic and info.

If you're at the marriage stage, you only need to meet a few men at any one time from whom you can choose just ONE Quality man and you need to have the time and focus to evaluate/vet him. Do NOT spend months and years in  any "dating marathon" relationship waiting for him to decide your fate, decide whether you're the one. He already knows that within a few months, (sometimes even a few weeks) and you should know too. Some women think that things are just supposed to "happen," meaning that if they're in a relationship with a man for a while, they think he's just supposed to ask her to marry him. LOL!  This does happen in some cases, of course, but I would never stake my future on someone else's whim.  As a woman, YOU must steer the relationship. YOU must set the pace. Do not allow a relationship to just wander any ole place.

You must subtly but directly let him know at the outset that you're in it for a long term relationship if all things work out, and that you're not the 'jump-off' type and be firm about that. You don't need to be loud to be firm. I'm softspoken, but anyone who knows me knows that I mean what I say. If he runs away at the hint of the M-Word, then Good Riddance!

Remember that when you're at the marriage stage, dating is not simply "just going out." The reason for dating is to get a chance to evaluate a man in a variety of circumstances, settings, people, etc. Dating or mingling with a man socially has a PURPOSE. Be purposeful when you're dating, or you are wasting your time and your youth because no one is getting any younger. With hundreds of millions of men in the world and with tens of thousands of them on dating sites, it is not that difficult to locate a "Mr. Quality Right "when you think about the odds. NOT really. Not when you think about it.

 Essence Atkins married her beau Jaime Mendez in Pasadena, Calif., on Saturday. It was a match made in Internet heaven.

The couple, who tied the knot at the Ambassador Mansion and Gardens, met on Match.com on Valentine’s Day of last year.

"I wrote him a quick little note that I had read his profile, and then I signed off, Happy SAD Day – that's Single Awareness Day," says Essence, 37, who appeared on the UPN sitcom Half and Half.

A week later the couple went on their first date, and they were engaged a year later.

Bride: Essence Atkins, 37

Groom: Jaime Mendez, 38

Occupations: Atkins, actress; Mendez, financial executive

Homebase: Sherman Oaks, California

Wedding Date: September 26, 2009

Wedding Location: Ambassador Mansion and Gardens in Pasadena, California

Digital Dating: Most of us wouldn't guess that beautiful Hollywood actresses turn to dating Web sites to find a man. But alas, Essence Atkins of "Half & Half" fame did just that. The Brooklyn-bred, Los Angeles-based starlet was over meeting men in the entertainment industry and began searching for a change of pace. She found just that in Jaime Mendez, a retired NFL player turned financial exec from the Midwest, through Match.com. On February 14, 2008, Essence and Jaime corresponded on the site for the first time. "I wrote him a quick little note that I had read his profile, and then I signed off, Happy SAD Day - that's Single Awareness Day," says Essence.  A week later they had their first date and soon after the duo was an official couple. .  .  .

Here's the rest of what ESSENCE magazine said about the couple:  ARTICLE

As a matter of fact, I constantly read these days where people of EVERY race, ethnicity, age, etc. are getting wonderful results when they sign up on these sites.  After you leave college, it's really hard to meet people who have similar goals and a similar direction in life, similar VALUES and such.  Sometimes, it's hard to meet compatible others even in college. Or Period.

Also, I received a note from a reader named X. regarding this couple:

Dear Evia, 

I know on your blog you usually feature interracial unions between White men and Black women, but I wanted to email you two famous people. One is Essence Atkins, actress who starred in Half & Half. She recently married a Hispanic Man named Jaime Mendez and Sanaa Lathan, who is dating a white producer named Steve Rifkind.

Essence's husband is a financial executive and they met on Match.com.

I wrote this because I think many Black women who are hesitant to date White men may be willing to date men of color. I know you have hesitation about that, because you mention many of these men being color struck and many are, but many are not. I have dated White, Black, Latino, Arab and Indian, so I know that many men are very interested in Black women. My cousin is Kenya Moore's complexion and looks similar, and is currently dating a Puerto Rican and Venezuelan man.

Also, recently in the Tyler Perry film "I Can Do Bad All by Myself," Adam Rodriguez (of CSI Miami), Adam-Rodriguez and Taraji Henson end up being love interests. And I have a friend who works in the industry and she said that Adam has a Black girlfriend, so more than a few men are very interested in Black women.

X

X, I've featured couples of ALL types involving bw and their IR mates because my purpose in showing the pics is that I want to PROVE that bw are desirable to men from throughout the global village.  My second boyfriend was Hispanic, and I certainly dated other non-black men. However, people don't normally send me pics of bw with non-bm ( aside from white), so thanks for the one above and the tip regarding Adam  Rodriguez.  Here he is with his girlfriend. THANKS Alec for finding this pic! Remember, I depend on people to send me pics. I never search for these pics. I don't have the time. And speaking of pics, I'm still waiting for readers to send pics of AA (and similarly situated) women in INTERCULTURAL relationships/marriages with black men who have been shaped by other cultures--whether black cultures or not. For ex. President Obama is a bm who was shaped by another culture. He was NOT shaped by AA culture, and this is quite apparent. I really want to expand my Black Women Intercultural Marriage section, so I need pics, articles, videos, links, etc.

Also, I did mention the Sanaa Lathan-Steve Rifkund relationship in an essay a couple of weeks ago.

Also, yes, it's true that SOME men of all groups (including black men) are skin shade racists who reject bw of a certain phenotype, however, I don't think bw should be fazed at all by that because there are many men of all types who DO appreciate the desirability of a wide range of bw's looks. Largely, it's a matter of a bw's outlook on life.   As I said above, a bw only needs to meet ONE "Mr. Right, so it's just counterproductive to think otherwise.

It seems in some cases that SOME bw look for rejection. These bw instead could and SHOULD focus only on the men who ARE interested.  I guess I tend to focus a lot more on the positives; not the negatives.  For ex., if I were to wink at a man on a dating site and he didn't respond, I wouldn't take it personally because he doesn't know ME. He doesn't know who he's actually "rejecting" and all that I could have brought to his table.  Also, just because a man doesn't respond, doesn't mean to me that he's not interested. There could be any number of reasons why a particular man doesn't respond to a woman and likewise when a woman doesn't respond to a man.

BW-Stop overanalyzing these situations.  Do NOT always think the worst. Just MOVE ON to the next prospect.  For ex. one of my young bm cousins told me that he didn't respond to some women on a dating site he joined because they were too much older than him--not because they were undesirable for any other reason. He didn't think they could fit into his lifestyle since he still likes riding on his skateboard sometimes. LOL!  The fact is that a typical wm might be very interested in a bw but believe that a bw is not interested in dating wm or he may KNOW that a bw will not be able to fit into the general landscape of his life.  Some bw feel the same way regarding the latter reason. And neither of these folks is willing to walk away from their overall life to accommodate a person from another race. Neither one of them is racist or narrowminded; they're just being realistic  based on their experiences because "The World is What It Is."  So just MOVE ON because there are many other folks who can easily accommodate a person of another race into their lives.  For ex., My husband Darren and I could quite easily accommodate each other into our lives and everyone in our lives adjusted.

On a slightly different note, let me repeat this: Bw need to do all they can to get away from certain areas.  One particular area is one where they have to diminish their attractiveness to avoid street harassment from DBR males.  I say that because when I was in the City a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that there were a lot of young bw who could have dressed a lot more attractively than they were dressed. They wore drab, unstylish, unflattering styles and colors. I recalled the many discussions where bw say they deliberately "dress-down" in order not to attract street harassers. I did that myself when I was in my 20s and living in NYC.  I was so glad to get out of there!

Anyway, while in the City, I noticed the other week that no matter how attractive or skimpily dressed a non-bw was, the street harassers looked but did not aggressively harass the women. However, when a shapely bw came by, they behaved in a different manner.  Even though they didn't say anything in some cases, they would stare at them in an openly lewd manner. I never saw any street harasser do that openly with a skimpily dressed ww, aw, or hw, and I didn't see any harasser make any comments at ww. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I don't believe that non-bw experience this nearly as much as bw from the harassers, from what I've noticed, heard, and experienced. I think the harassers know that there will be consequences if they treat other women in this manner, so they leave them alone.  They know that no one is going to come to the defense of young bw. Obviously some young bw feel they have to do what they can to not attract attention, so they dress in dark, drab, big clothes, and others don't care.

As other BWE writers have advised and I agree, bw should start calling the police when she's harassed in this raw, open manner because this is straight up sexual harassment/verbal assaults and an infringement on her rights. Harassment is a crime. Thanks to the feminist movement, laws were passed to protect women from sexual harassment and sexual exploitation in the workplace for sure, but women have to file charges when it occurs.  I realize that the charges won't stick in some  street cases, but I've learned that if you give people enough grief, they'll back off.

Many males claim they don't know what sexual harassment is.  I've taught my sons this commonsense rule: If you wouldn't say it to a boy or man, then you shouldn't say it to a girl or woman.

Anyway no woman can ever convince me that at least several men are not interested in them when they sign up on those dating sites.  Heterosexual males are .  .  . well, they're heterosexual.  LOL! If a woman is not attracting any interest, then it's due to her profile or an unflattering picture. Some women have sent me their pics and profile and they need to have their profile "polished" and they need a much better pic to present themselves better.

Not every woman is going to attract Jaime Mendez or Adam Rodriguez, LOL! but there are many wonderful men in the world who are of equal or much higher quality and appeal because a sensible woman with common sense is looking more at  the 'contents of the package'; not just the wrapping.  I've noticed however, that some AA women and AA men can be super unrealistic and superficial about who and what they want in the opposite sex, and many of these people become angry and bitter when they're rejected.

For ex., I received a note from a women from which I've excerpted this one portion she wrote re her brother:

 It would also be wise to look at how some of us also treat the AA men that come into our lives. My brother is 35,a graphic artist with no desire to get married. He is a really good guy, no kids, etc. He told me whenever he tries to be a gentleman with the sistas he takes out, they think his treatment is "too nice" for their taste; they want a "bad boy"; they actually get turned on by someone who "doggs them out." I know this is not every sista, .  .  .  .

Okay, I at first just decided not to respond to this woman, but I think there's a lesson to learn from this. Let me reiterate that I have NEVER advised any AA woman to reject ANY Quality man of any race or ethnicity and this includes AA men.  However, the first thing I would ask my brother if I were her is "Why are you taking out women of this type?"  And the FACT is that MOST bw are NOT like these particular women, as she did acknowledge. I  mean, I wonder whether this woman herself is like these women.  I know I'm NOT like those women and I know plenty of other bw who are NOT like those women.

I think there is something about women of that type that these males like. I can't figure out what it is but either they're deliberately gravitating towards those women or they're lying and using that as an excuse to debase  and smear AA women in general or to cover up for their own shortcomings.  IMO, ONLY brainless women with "issues" and/or those with lowlife values are of that type and it doesn't matter how much education or money a woman of this type has or what her race or ethnicity is. I can easily spot these women; I don't have any bw like that as friends or even close associates, so why can't these males spot them BEFORE they ask them out?   I mean I can easily spot lowlife men, so why can't these males figure out that these women have lowlife values and issues.

The fact is that MANY of these males are NOT attracted to women of a better caliber and many of these males are ONLY attracted to women who they consider VERY attractive or "dymes" and feel ENTITLED to the dymes. The males become bitter when the dymes don't want them. The dymes are who they are. MANY of these same males will NOT look at higher caliber women of average looks. So they go around whining that bw in general are not interested in a "good" bm or only want thugs.  And if so many of these bw are finding these Thugs or bad boys (as so many AA men complain they are), then doesn't that mean that the thugs are a huge portion of the bm out there? I mean, I, as a woman,  cannot make a man a thug; he's either a thug or not when I meet him.

Also, I know some of y'all think that the "mighty AA woman" can un-thug a thug , but she cannot. A thug is the result of YEARS of bad mental habits and YEARS of undisciplined behavior.  Why should a woman invest time and energy in trying to re-train a thug when there are other men available?  Even if there are no other men available and a woman is foolish enough to try this, she surely will not succeed in 99% of cases. Her time, energy, money, etc. could have been best saved for herself. So what exactly is she getting out of the deal? Just a piece of male anatomy? Is this a smart investment of her resources? If she can't answer  YES quickly and firmly, then no AA woman should even try to do this.  She CANNOT afford it. She could use that same time, energy, money and whatever and come out much better if she put them somewhere else.

Also, if a bw is a female thug or something similar, how many AA men do you think would invest time, energy and  devote years of his life trying to re-train or reform YOU if you were that woman?  Think about it and be honest.  Remember, it's RECIPROCATION or NOTHING!

So my dear notewriter, there are PLENTY of average bw who would be interested in your brother, especially if he's a Quality man because MOST women are average looking and most women are looking for quality men.  The BULK of ALL women are average looking. That's what AVERAGE means. Yet so many AA men are searching for the next Beyonce. and I know this because I see how so many young average looking bw  I know never get attention or asked out by bm.  So, I don't have any sympathy for your brother. With all of the quality AA women available, he could find a good woman if he's realistic and if he's serious.

Yet when a these same bm see ANY bw with a non-bm, then she's accused of rejecting bm or preferring wm.  This is why I say to bw to just MOVE ON. No matter what an AA woman does or says, no matter how she tries to contort herself for a typical AA man, he will still find multiple things wrong about her because his dissatisfaction stems from his dislike of himself-- because he typically feels impotent compared with other men in the world.  And this is not a bw's fault.  Bw, his anger has NOTHING to do with you.

Now I know that some of you AA women will spend your last ounce of energy trying to make things all better, but you will NEVER be able to fix him. He has to deal with other men by himself as a man in the world just like bw have to deal with other women in the world. 

Just a few more words of advise. Use it or trash it.

1) AA women, please do NOT fall for the okey-doke AGAIN. NOT AGAIN!  This is why bw must keep teaching other bw about some of these deceitful games that these males continue to try to play.

Some AA men are now trying to use an updated version of the same ole: "let's just work together and get rid of racism FIRST and then we can work to get the sexist dogs off your back." I personally would simply ignore these males, but IF some of you mushy-hearted bw want to respond to this at all, tell them, "NO!" Tell them that This time around, they  must show PROOF that they're working to get rid of sexism FIRST. Point out that it's their turn to go first, just like AA women fell for the okey doke and put sexism on the backburner and worked FIRST against racism back during the Civil Rights movement and then still had to deal with hellish sexism (physical, sexual, and emotional abuse) from bm. Do NOT fall for the SAME trick again. Your daughters will curse you if you do.

2. AA women cannot save "alla our people." From where I sit and observing all ages of AA women across all socioeconomic levels, the typical AA woman is sinking and FAST. She is flying solo and barely surviving herself or is mainly depending on other bw and the government for protection and survival.

3. Do not believe or stop believing the  LIE some AA men broadcast on the internet that AA men don't care about your education, your degree(s). PLEASE! This is a BIG LIE. When's the last time you saw a bm pursuing an AA woman who's a high school dropout or penniless? He may pursue a non-bw of that type, but not a bw. Even the high school dropout AA males, ex-cons, want women with more education.These males DO care about your education because they know that your education means a higher income and a more quality, comfortable lifestyle for HIM. He devalues your education in order to keep you feeling confused, and as less-than as he feels, and to get you and keep you without reciprocating in an equivalent manner.  He knows that if you don't know your value, you will not require that he bring an equivalent amount of value to the table. So any man who talks like this doesn't want you to know your value or he has another ulterior reason for talking this nonsense. If he's really insistent on having an uneducated woman, there are plenty women who are unfortunately lacking education still around. YOU just step aside so he can go and find one of them.

I know I don't hear of any AA men pestering their AA girlfriend or wife these days to become a stay at home mate or stay at home moms.  Yet, these deceitful males are all over the internet saying they don't care about  a bw's education.

My ex-husband and my current husband TOLD me that they highly valued an educated woman, NOT because of her income, but because of her values, tastes, general mindset, and other intangible assets she brings to his table and into the lives of his children. So why is it that so many AA men are constantly trying to devalue an AA woman's educational achievements?

AA women--YOU listen to me. Go on and get as much education as you can and add on, tack on, glue on every bit of value to yourself in every other way too. Please don't lose any sleep over an AA man not wanting you for any reason! Lawdy!That's his issue, not yours.

4. You can NEVER "persuade" somebody to be fair with words alone. It may work briefly, but then a typical human being is going to revert to true nature and become their selfish selves. This is because the best resources of all types are scarce and always have been and other human beings are always going to want to hog most of the quality resources for themselves and their own. So stop wasting your breath trying to make other folks feel guilty or "persuade" them to be fair. Either get some leverage (like some sort of club to use--LOL!) and be prepared to use it to the max, or save your breath and prepare to suffer.

As V.S Naipaul says in his authorized biography, "The World Is What It Is," and it always has been that way. Remember, life is not now, nor has it ever been fair. But You as a bw must still figure out how to LIVE WELL and do it.  So just MOVE ON.

Also please checkout my Health and Fitness section.  KR just sent a wonderful article regarding the benefits of the Mediterannean diet or way of eating.