Flashpost: A Salute to Viola Davis Who Wore Her OWN Hair! How Bw Handicap Themselves or Self-Sabotage

No, Actress Viola Davis is not married to a wm, but her decision at the urging of her black husband to leave the wig at home for the Academy Awards show is highly noteworthy. ARTICLE

I applaud this black man (her husband) for his urging her to leave her wig at home because in doing so, he affirmed the beauty of her natural hair texture and this pic of her affirms her natural beauty, wearing her naturally coiled hair. By extension, he also affirmed the beauty of ALL bw who have coiled, natural hair. By urging her to do this and having her back, he also sent the message to every man in the world that his non-Euro looking black wife is naturally coiffed and beautiful.

This beauty-affirming message is the exact message that typical wm send the world about ww's hair and looks, affirming their beauty. This is natural. This is what goes a long way to give ww the confidence to strut their stuff, swing their hair, and feel they can get any man. It's this same message that Asian men send the world about Asian women's hair and looks, etc. It's also the message I get from Darren, my husband, about the beauty of my natural hair and looks.

As I've said before, maybe I'm super unattractive, but the men in my life have told me I'm beautiful so much until I don't ever doubt my looks. The overwhelming most of the men who've expressed interest in me, pursued me, courted me, loved me, including the ones who've married me--have also TREATED me like I'm beautiful and valued. So I believe them. LOL! Trust me. If your beauty and value are affirmed enough, you WILL believe that you are beautiful and valuable--even if you're not. Of course, I helped this whole process by ONLY associating with and having relationships with men who saw me in this positive way. 

So, I know this can be learned by many other bw IF they associate with men who appreciate them.

African coil-textured hair is hair just like any other hair; it's no different aside from the degree of coil. As many of you know, the damage done surrounding bw's coiled hair texture is due to the messages that various people--mainly these days, the internalized hate messages that black people send to other blacks about African textured hair--that causes the problem.  It's NOT white people doing this these days. It's been a long time since mainstream whites have publicly denigrated black folks' looks, but blacks do it all the time in what they say, don't say, and it's very clearly done with their actions.

Thanks, CJ for sending in this pic from the latest VINEYARD VINES catalog mailed out from this Martha's Vineyard store, featuring bw-wm couples. For those who don't know it, Martha's Vineyard is an 'old money' upper-upper class section of the Northeast's Cape Cod area.

Their featuring a bw-wm couple is VERY telling of the growing social status that upwardly mobile bw actually have.

Martha's Vineyeard is near Boston, near where the Kennedy Compound on Cape Cod is located and is a playground for the super rich, well-heeled, and upscale (upper income) others when they want to go posh and get out near the ocean in the northeast in the summertime.

(The Obamas vacation there sometimes.) It's expensive to do anything on the Vineyard. It's quite expensive even getting there. We were there a few years back and of course Darren put our car on the ferry to take over so we could move all around the island. It was a wonderful experience, with a gazillion things to do, but pricey. Just maybe we'll get back there this summer, if we can squeeze it into our vacation plans, sensibly.

Anyway, I think it's fine SOMETIMES for bw to wear wigs, weaves, etc. just for a change, for style, or for convenience, but this epidemic among bw of wigs and weaves is really disturbing. So, I'm speaking out about it. This love affair with straight-haired wigs, weaves, etc. is overwhelmingly  the result of the majority of bm showing their obvious preference for women with more Euro-textured hair, though the bulk of bm will deny that and say that de evil wm or their black mothers and bw taught them to love the hair and looks of ww/nonbw and claim that they just can't help themselves. How manly of them!! LOL!

And I've said this many times before: The overwhelming majority of wm who appreciate the looks of bw prefer bw with natural textured, coiled hair, or whatever type hair the bw naturally has. So it's NOT wm, in the romantic realm,  who are driving this love affair that so many bw have with straight hair. I've worn my hair in its natural coiled state for decades and it has rarely ever been complimented by a bm.

However, it has often been complimented by wm and even one Asian man told me he likes my hair.  As a matter of fact, NO wm or ww has ever said anything derogatory to me at all about my natural hair. It's been black folks--men and women--who've made outright, supposedly 'helpful' comments about how I need to straighten my hair or slyly suggest that I get something done to it. For ex., they'll ask, "Are you going to get your hair done (straightened) for your cousin's wedding?"

No, I'm not. Why should I? This is my natural hair. It is already "done."

Too many AA women are still stuck--out of habit--in the mode of attracting black men, and this is why they think they're more beautiful if they wear straight(er) hair. The fact is that if a bw wants to be ignored as the romantic interest by the bulk of bm these days, all she has to do is wear her hair in its natural coiled state. I hear this often from bw of all ages. 

Of course, I realize that SOME blacks will start complaining about how 'de evil wm' taught black people to hate their hair and their (dark) complexions, and they hold onto that like it's their infant child!  And SOME black folks I encounter are not about to turn that baby loose. I think AAs of this type need to start asking themselves what good does it do to keep re-living what racist whites did to our ancestors hundreds of years ago.  

And since this is Black History Month, let me say that I know that the best thing I can do to honor my ancestors is for me and my children to do all we can to accomplish as much as our skills and abilities will enable us to  and LIVE WELL. After all, "Living Well is the best revenge," as the saying goes. 

  I'm just way past tired of hearing black people trying to blame their internalized hate on ANY other person. Attention all black folks: internalized hate is not in your DNA! It's learned thinking and behavior. You can get rid of it, but do YOU want to?

  Offline, I don't allow any black person to blame others when talking to me. I always cut them off. And likewise, I tell bw online to totally stop focusing on men who don't want them or mistreat them and only mingle with those who know how and are willing to treat them well. This blaming sounds backwards and is a waste of good energy. As I said, blacks always make it sound like it's a strand in their DNA when it's nothing more than learned thinking and behavior. EVERY black person who has any degree of internalized racism CAN get rid of their self-hate or lack of group pride IF they worked at it. Internalized racism is simply a habitual thought pattern and we ALL can change our thoughts IF WE WANT TO.

Thoughts direct behavior, so if you have toxic thoughts, then it should be a top priority to get rid of, unlearn, or replace those thoughts because they will often lead to destructive or less than behavior.  I repeat: IF YOU want to do that, you can. There are plenty of books and other materials on the internet these days, to help you to do that.  Yes, any habitualized thought pattern takes discipline to unlearn, but you can unlearn it. It's done all the time by people who are determined to survive and thrive.

This is another reason why any woman of any race who mates with a typical AA man (or similar bm ) should thoroughly make sure that he is of the type of Viola Davis' husband in this regard--a black man who appreciates the beauty of black women in their natural state. Let's face it: any woman who has a child by a typical AA (or simlar) man can produce a daughter who is light, dark, or brown and she will usually have hair that is not straight. I don't  know about any other mother, but I'd be extremely distraught to find out that my black daughter doubted her brown or dark beauty and less-straight hair due to her father sending her the message that she is less than beautiful. And a parent can't hide how they really feel about things like that from your children--in most cases.

 I realize that many black mothers do straighten their daughters natural, coiled hair but if you talk with these mothers as I've done in the past few months, it's usually  as a protective measure--because they want to help their daughter to avoid the nasty comments and blows to their self esteem from black boys and girls in the black community, school, and black church environment about "bad" hair. And unfortunately, most black children still do live around these other blacks who tear them down mostly for their black racial traits.

These black mothers tell me they don't want their daughters' feelings to be constantly hurt by these hateful comments about their hair. They want their daughters to be viewed as pretty, just like any other little girl. However, I virtually preach to black mothers I've talked with not to put any chemicals in their daughters' hair, and fortunately some mothers do listen to me.

Anyway, I'm going to go on record here and call this internalized self-hate or self-lack of appreciation an ILLNESS that many ( the overwhelming most?) AAs have and it's extremely destructive. Yes, white racism is an illness too, but it's one that--so far--HELPS whites. This self-hate illness in blacks HURTS blacks, so these two are NOT the same.

This is really a serious illness among AAs and this is how internalized hate gets passed on from one generation to the next. But AAs rarely ever talk about this horrible issue HONESTLY. They may mention it briefly sometimes, but they then move on to something else. I think it makes them uncomfortable since so many of them harbor a degree of it. They just pretend that if they ignore it, it will just go away. But it never will, on its own. So why dont they, once and for all, face it and get rid of it?????

So meanwhile, this illness in blacks has gotten much worse. This is why some bw I know have told me lately that younger black males in their families are stating loudly and plainly, "I want a ww or a light-skinned woman with "good hair"; I don't want a bw."  I realize that many bm will claim that this desire is due only to the supposedly horrible behavior of bw and the supposedly angelic behavior of non-bw, but the truth is that lots of bm simply want a lighter-whiter woman. Period.

And I'll point out again that 24% of bm in America who are married ARE married to non-bw, according to a recent report. This is important to point out because whenever this topic comes up, bm will rush to tell bw that only between 8%-12% or so of bm have married out, so bw should just be still and WAIT for a "good bm." So, now we know that 1 our of 4 bm who is married is married out.

Some people wonder why more AA women don't marry out. There are various reasons. Some were mentioned in the documentary below. I'll also post a note I received the other day from a young bw to further shed light on an important part of the answer. However, a key reason is that more wm, for sure, STILL do not believe that bw will openly receive their gestures of interest.  I don't care what anyone says, men are always going to gravitate towards friendlier women because men are wired to be sex hunters.  Friendlier women give the impression that sex will be easier to get, thus most men head for the smiling, friendlier woman.

 Let's be honest. AA (or bw in general) women are not known to be the friendly, friendlier, or friendliest women to approach in America.  We just aren't. LOL! Even my Nigerian ex-husband told me that. So, I know that AA women are harder to approach for men who have even the utmost interest in us. And if you watched the documentary below, you'll see some of the reasons why that's true for SOME AA women. I believe that every AA women needs to just drop that, but some still cling to it, for whatever reason(s). 

Just got a note re other reasons why more wm don't approach bw more. (sigh) I think bw need a private forum where we could really talk--RAW. Raw talk about some aspects of this issue PUBLICLY is counterproductive. Remember that I'm an 'old school' bw. I just won't talk about certain things publicly.  Suffice it to say that bw used to get a lot of this type of raw talk at home or in the community. It should never be done publicly. I won't ever do it here.

Since this illness of a lack of group pride is never or rarely HONESTLY addressed among AAs, self-hate  will not be cured--in the next several generations for sure. Here's a controversial solution: ALL AA women just need to mate out to make sure they produce daughters who are lighter and with less-coiled hair, especially IF AA women are not going to be extremely vocal about pointing their daughters toward ALL men in the global village for serious relationships. Not looking at global options seriously handicaps a typical bw in the mating marketplace these days. If all AA women adopted a policy of mating out, then over 2-3 generations, their daughters will then just be white. 

Anyway, what Viola Davis' husband has demonstrated is that if more bm affirm the natural  beauty of bw, then more bw who are romantically interested in bm would present themselves naturally.   I've said this for a lot of years, but I've read where so many AA men will deny that and declare that it's bw who don't like their natural hair and therefore refuse to wear it.

I know I'll probably get hate mail for this too but and I've told y'all that I'm PAB, and I'm a PAB who is sick and tired of seeing so many BLACK women wearing straight-haired wigs, weaves, because this is out of control now. Have y'all noticed that the BLACK police never mention that. Actually, many/most of the BLACK police LOVE straight hair, themselves, whether they're black males or black females. After all, there are african-haired wigs and weaves and other super curly/coiled hair additions available. They're not as plentiful, but they're available.  I checked on this.

I've passed the point where I will argue (as I used to) that bw HAVE to wear straight hair at work--whether it's corporate America or anywhere else. Also, I don't believe that 98% of black actresses HAVE to wear straight hair in Hollywood. I'm allowing for the 2% who may indeed HAVE to wear straight hair. Actually, I've noticed a few bw bit part actresses in roles or in commercials who wear natural hair. Has all the tons of straight hair gotten more black actresses more roles in Hollywood??? It doesn't seem like it, but I dunno.

--A note I received from C--and my response:

Hi Evia,

I really loved reading your most recent post and watching the video at the end of the post. Everything you have mentioned on your site has hit my soul, because it is so true I've experienced growing up in a bad neighborhood and as I got older told myself I wouldn't want to ever live around a bunch of hopeless, unproductive people again. One thing that made me think while watching the video was when the lady was talking about limits.

I feel I limit myself, because black men are the only men I exclude from my dating pool and sometimes this makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I just don't trust them and feel a sense of danger when I'm around them ( and not always physical danger but more emotional danger), even if they come across as nice. Sometimes I wonder if I'm experiencing a mental illness and other times I just don't give a damn I want what I want, bm just don't seem to have the traits and characteristics that allows for "Living Well".

Thanks for doing what you are doing and I hope you don't plan on quitting anytime soon.

Response:

 Hey and thanks!  I'm glad that something I've said has struck a chord in you.

  I have to tell you that your ambivalent feelings about bm is probably the centerpoint of the way too many AA women feel about bm--due to indoctrination.  (1) Some AA women have written to me to secretly confide that they are not attracted to bm, physically. (2) Some bw who are attracted to bm physically avoid them because they don't like the anti-relationship and anti-family qualities and traits shown by a LOT of AA men, for sure, these days.  

So, why is it that, like you, so many bw feel these feelings are "wrong?" Well, this is just proof of your indoctrination.

Let me stress again that I'm not talking about ALL bm because obviously, I and some other bw have found some bm to be wonderful mates. I've also pointed out many times that if I'd met a QLL bm who possessed qualities and traits similar to Darren's  (and one who asked me to marry him) before I met Darren, I would most likely, have been married to a bm today. 

 So women in these 2 groups don't particularly want to get into a relationship with a bm, but they've been indoctrinated to feel various degrees of loyalty towards bm like you do--due to history--definitely not due to the present, in which that loyalty is  NOT reciprocated because typically, AA men are not indoctrinated to feel loyal towards bw. Many bm therefore doubt that AA women actually feel loyalty towards them. My AA male cousins, for example, like bw, but do not feel any loyalty towards AA women. Even many bm who do feel a degree of loyalty don't have enough of it to keep them bound to bw or to the black "community."  That's the irrational aspect of the loyalty that so many AA women feel and that's why I've pointed at that constantly.

Therefore, it appeared to me that even some of the bw in the documentary film who were in highly satisfying relationships with QLL wm, still feel they've done "something wrong." 

This is the subtext of the documentary. It's due to their indoctrination. That's why I talk about the indoctrination so much. It has many layers and nuances. It  works every day to HANDICAP bw in the mating market and reduce the number of bw who could find love and happiness with a QLL wm because a person's thoughts and feelings are overwhelmingly responsible for their situation or circumstances.

Life is mostly a mental experience.  There is almost a direct relationship between your interior life and your exterior life. Many AA women DO sabotage their opportunities to mate across race lines. For ex., your feelings of "wrongness" about not wanting a bm WILL cause you to behave less than friendly and open towards a wm. I don't even have to know you or observe you to know that. That loyalty you feel and the wrongness you feel about not dating bm functions as a handicap when you're in a social arena where you could easily meet non-bm. So this amounts to self-sabotage since you undoubtedly encounter a few wm everyday (if you live in certain areas) who may be interested in you.

So, even in the documentary, the bw with wm constantly "explained" why they were with a wm, as if they had done something "wrong." LOL!  Other bw in the film proudly proclaimed "No way could I be with a wm."  But, a lot of that  "no way" stuff was simply grandstanding to fit their indoctrination and get pats on the back from other black folks. We already know that the overwhelming most of those bw who are holding out for a "good bm" are going to wither on the vine.

Recorded history proves that women, in general, seek certain QUALITIES & TRAITS (Q&Ts) in men. This has always been the case throughout the history of human females interacting with males. Yes, there are some silly women who mainly seek a walking penis, but I often mingle with and have encountered women of all ethnic groups, races, and at all rungs of the socioeconomic ladder from the "ghetto" to the so-called "high class" types who MOSTLY seek certain qualities and traits in men that will put and keep them and their children on an upward trajectory. It's only when AA women can't find those certain Q &Ts in bm (and bm are their indoctrinated mate group), they tend to 'settle' (mate down) or just get the sex and sometimes the babies, and call it a day. And we all know that story will have a sad ending.

 

Don't EVER feel guilty about the sheer common sense of seeking a QLL partner with certain Q & Ts. That's your self-preservation instinct talking to you. It is SELF-SABOTAGING to think otherwise. Be thrilled that yours is still alive and functioning. Obviously, that instinct is dead in many AA women, for sure.  But YOU must start a process TODAY to unlearn the thought that exercising common sense or behaving in accordance with your self-preservation instinct, is wrong!

 

And BTW-- let's all support the bw-wm couple on 'PARENTHOOD' by watching this final segment on February 28th (tomorrow night).

Remember that talk without action is worthless. 

Here are Jasmine and Crosby the bw-wm couple in the show.