Readers, pls be sure to check out the info about Johnny Otis, a wm who made a significant contribution to AAs. It's at the bottom of this post.
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I know I said that my last post was my wrap up on hair and weight, but I had to set up this category called "Just Wow" for an occasional post because I wanted to share this note I received the other night about bw's hair-ism because it shows so clearly how SOME bw view themselves, their hair through the lens of DBR-ology. Yet, this notewriter doesn't believe she's been indoctrinated!! LOL!
Y'all can deny it, but DBR-ology is a heavily-subscribed to mindset out there. I promise though that I won't be posting many of these "just wow!" articles. They can hit with too much of a wallop. That's exactly what this note re Viola Davis' hairstyle did to me. It just spun me around and made me realize in a too-real way what a lot of little black girls and young bw are up against!!
Even so, I'm not heavy-handed in my response to this notewriter because I'm just so thankful that I never got this indoctrination. I'm so thankful that I was spared!! Trust me. The worst has already happened to people when they walk around with a mind full of this kind of rot.
Hello Evia,
As a black female never indoctrinated by the so called "black culture", I am pleased to find so many BWE blogs. You provide rational and realistic reasons why black females like other females have as much right to pursue happiness, security and peace for themselves and their children.
What is puzzling is how so many BWE blogs focus time on getting black women to go natural even if makes them look like a fashion train wreck.
Just Wow! "Fashion train wreck" is your OPINION. You need to ask yourself why a bw's natural hair style might make YOU think or feel this way.
I've pointed out that bw should find at least a couple of preferably natural, easily maintained hairstyles that flatter their features. That is not that hard to do. ALL natural hair styles don't look right on me either, but I kept experimenting with my hair and found several that work.
Most times, I just wear my hair in twists like this (above pic) and my twists go with any style of dress or attire. So, for the sake of transparency, I'm showing my hairstyle and discussing my hair care regimen.
I shampoo and condition my hair as often as needed or as much as I like (depending on what I've been doing) and immediately, I can go out with it like this even while it's still damp. I never have to worry about it getting wet in the rain and perspiration has NO visible impact on it.
[AD break: The partially-lined sundress (above) is available in custom sizes for $140 in a VARIETY of lightweight fabrics.]
So I can bike, hike, skate, walk, etc. and then go to an after-5 affair and never be concerned about my hair. This is a super-versatile style!! When it's dry it's fluffy, lofty, and soft. I re-do my twists in sections and at intervals--whenever it's convenient for me but I try to do each of them at least twice a month or sooner if they're clumping together because I don't want locs.
I've gotten compliments or glances of approval on my hair from mostly nonbm. I've even had bw stop me on the street to ask me about my hair; a few ww have told me they really like it, and Darren loves it. LOL!
So this can be quite easily done. I wore my hair like this before I left the world of work too, and I was a professional woman. I never felt that my hair was less-than ANY other woman's and actually, I think it looks a lot more interesting than most women's hairstyles I see. It looks good on me; it matches my lifestyle, it's cheap and convenient. So, this is my hairstyle and I'm sticking with it! LOL!
IMO, that would be a wonderful goal for any typical bw--to find a couple of styles like this, for her natural hair. This is a goal that could be easily actualized, if more bw desired it. LOTS of bw hair stylists are gifted when it comes to creating hair designs with any kind of hair, so this could be easily done. So, it sounds as if you're saying that NO natural-haired hairstyle would be flattering on a bw????? Why else do you connect bw's natural hairstyles with a "fashion train wreck" as if this is guaranteed.
Virtually ALL women tend to use or include some level of unnaturalness or artifice, but it's the degree and extent to which too many bw do these days that is disturbing and has become an epidemic. This is why Viola Davis' natural hair became a hot news item. Do you think non-black people haven't noticed that so many bw walk around wearing non-black textured hair wigs and weaves???? Remember that African hair wigs ARE available. Why don't more bw wear these?
Once again, too many of us--who do know better--have been quiet for too long about this. And enough quietness is all it takes for things like this to get out of control.
For balance, I'll also mention that men use artifice too and moreso these days than ever before--hair, cosmetic surgery, etc. So, no one I've ever encountered is totally "natural" when you consider the variety of grooming agents, performance drugs, and of course things like toothpaste, deodorant, etc. that virtually all people use. But, I know you're only focusing on hair.
White woman change their hair color, texture, cut and even add extensions that complement their appearance.
Please! None of us were born yesterday!! This is not about simply "changing" hair.
And here's where your argument goes over the cliff because you're trying to make the case that ww and bw do the SAME things to their hair or invest a similar amount of critical resources (time, energy, money, EMOTION/OBSSESSION, etc.) in their hair and for the same reasons. This is NOT true and people can quickly see that and see through your SAMENESS argument and wonder why you're making such a bogus, transparent argument. It's dodging the core issue. WHY?????
I would like for each bw who can't leave home without her wig or weave to ask herself WHY. She needs to answer that question privately and then realize that just like she's dodging in that core area, she's also dodging in other areas, that are most likely key areas.
Not all black woman have nappy or coarse hair that allows them to go as is ungroomed natural hair nor should they want too.
Well, every thing I say is NOT directed to ALL bw. Only if the shoe fits, should you or any bw wear it. I've told y'all repeatedly to take what you can use and toss the rest.
I found it utter complex that you in all honesty found Best Actress nominee Viola Davis as an example of why natural is better. Mrs. Davis on the biggest night in Hollywood decided not to groom her hair. Her make-up and style was a disaster.
Bottom line black woman shouldn't be forced or drummed down to go natural by you or the "black community".
Sincerely,
S
I don't know why you wrote to me. Surely you know that I will continue to write what I choose. LOL!
And Viola Davis' natural hair style is just fine. Obviously, her hair did not look ungroomed to me. Why wouldn't she wear her hair naturally PARTICULARLY on this biggest night of her life? So, I'm proud that she stood there in all of her NATURAL-HAIR glory (aside from hair color?) just the way various other women did--on the night of possibly the highest point in her career, wearing HER own hair. Why would you want to deprive her of showing her natural, beautiful self. Obviously, her "showing" her hair bothered YOU. But, obviously, her husband thought she was beautiful and I'd bet many other men did too. Why did she need to cover up? For YOUR sake?
While many people in other groups of people are trying to figure out how to live on other planets, amass and control financial power, find other sources of energy, harness the power of artifical intelligence, find ways to effectively create and solidify the networks they need to thrive, etc. way too many bm are making it plain these days that they are seeking women with long hair or bone-straight or "good" hair and way too many bw are willing to do anything to get it to fit in or fit someone else's definition of acceptable or beautiful. SMH
A woman I know who met a wm online a couple of months ago said the guy told her that she didn't have to worry about whether he liked bw's natural hair and dark complexions. She said that irked her and she asked him why he would think he had to reassure her of that. He told her that he's read on some of the dating sites and on some black sites the angst about bw's hair and dark skin, so he felt he needed to say that. LOL! So he was just trying to make sure that she knew he wasn't ignorant like that. She said it still annoyed her that he felt he needed to say that.
I told her that AAs live in a fishbowl. Most people know by now that many AAs, for sure, are beset by the demons of hair-ism and colorism. I also mentioned to her that this is yet another key reason why it's so much easier for a bw to have a relationship with a white man. A bw may have some issues with a white guy, but hair is not going to be one of them in the overwhelming most of cases.
Accepting and embracing your natural looks: hair, complexion, physical features, etc. are the most critical aspects of having a POSITIVE self-concept. After all, if a person cannot accept the way they naturally look, then how much progress can that person make in regards to living a fulfilling life?
I would also expect non-black people to embrace THEIR natural looks, just as I'd expect black people to embrace their own natural looks. My husband, Darren, embraces the way white women look and find some of their looks to be appealing, but he also finds my and other bw's looks to be appealing. I feel the same way about bm. I would NOT want to be with Darren if he denounced ww's looks or denounced their racially derived group physical traits in any way because that, to me, would be scary. It would indicate a degree of emotional/mental illness.
I love it that he's proud of his group's natural looks, and he's appreciated me all the more from the beginning that I'm proud of my group's natural looks.
And since I've digressed here (LOL!), let me point out that Darren and I never discuss ww or bm as a group. I have never had the need to do that with him, and I guess he hasn't either. Instead, we have discussed individual ww and bm.
So back to this notewriter, S: I would bet that not one white person mentioned or even implied anything about Viola Davis' hair as "not groomed."
So, S--your SAMENESS argument has failed because you are conveniently ignoring nuances of frequency, duration, degree, motivation, and the KEY issue of the TEXTURE of the hair that bw use and even the colors they dye their hair. Ww do not wear African-haired wigs, weaves, or extensions, and if and when they do, they do NOT wear them all of the time. Ww tend to wear wigs, weaves, extensions for particular reasons--and not wear them like a hat that covers their real hair.
I'm not saying that bw should NEVER wear wigs, weaves, etc., because I believe in moderation, but no one is buying that bw and ww wear them most of the time for the SAME reasons.
And another note I received yesterday re bw and weight from EG, who wanted me to post her note. I want all sides to be heard re this issue, and with this note, I think it's been done. Thank you, EG, for this!
Hello,
I know you have been talking on your page about overweight black women and how embracing the fat acceptance movement will not further black women's cause. I agree to some extent with you, but I want to give a background as to why. This is my perspective.
I agree in part with NF, with how she was told when she was younger that she needs to lose weight and how that made her resentful as she got older, though I don't agree with all of her answers. My mother was always going on about how I had to be careful or I would be as overweight as she, and I needed to take care of myself now to prevent problems as I got older. So, when I was old enough to take control of my life, I was almost defiant, eating as much as I want, arguing that my if my brother (who is 6'5" and skinny) could eat what he wanted, so could I. . . .
And my mother was trying to encourage me to be healthy, not because she was out to get me as I thought at the time, but because her family had a history of diabetes (so did my dad) and if I could control/stop it from happening, I should try. Later, just before she died, the obesity had crippled her to the point where she needed a walker and was reluctant to step outside anymore. My mother, a vibrant woman, who used to drive my family on trips to the mountains would barely leave her room, much less the apartment.
But that isn't even what makes me agree with you.
After the devastation of her loss, when I finally sat up and started to take control of my life, I noticed something. All of the ailments that my mother had at ages 60-65 that built to a point of no return, I was starting to manifest them at age 36. By age 40 (what I am now) my body would be in very poor shape. Oh, the doctors and my family and friends were encouraging, 'strong black woman' and all that, but on the eve of my 40th, I realized the truth of my life: I was going to die before I reached 65. My mother died at 65, and thanks to my emotional eating, I was not even going to be blessed to live that long. My mother was married, had 3 kids, a stable job and a roof over her head by age 40. I have a stable job, my own condo, and a variety of ailments that make me feel older than 50.
I cried of course, told my family, but they just figured I needed to just eat right and exercise more and it would melt off. So, after remembering that I had promised myself that I would Fabulous at Forty, I started planning. I'm working on a lot of issues with help, and realizing the falsehoods that I have used to keep me down has helped me to decide to look into stomach surgery. In Canada it's covered if you go through a program that determines if you have the mind-set ready to lose weight. It was not an easy decision, and many people get queasy when I describe what might happen, but I know it is just an AID to healthy living, not the end result.
And I plan to live long enough to experience more of life than just the inside of my house.
This was really long winded, yet again, but my basic point is: I do agree with what you said, it's just that it's taken me a lot of living, learning, and growing up to accept it as advice rather than an attack on my person or way of life. That is what a lot of people will have to learn on their own. Please continue to write. It reminds people like me that we can be/live better, without stereotypes shoved down our throats.
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Johnny Otis - THANK YOU!!
"Bandleader and producer Johnny Otis, who launched and then nurtured the careers of many of R&B's greatest singers died recently."
BW: We must always remember to say "thank you" to ALL of those who promote and protect OUR interests. He was a Greek-American man who married a bw in the 1940s! So you know that racist whites threw a lot of hell at him!
But, like Richard Loving, he stood up for what he believed. For those who don't know what the old racism up north or the old South was like, this meant severe penalties or instant death in many cases (down south) for whites who stood up for black people.
Not many men--Black or White--will ever do this, so we need to loudly applaud the ones who do. *Standing and CLAPPING*
"Bandleader and producer Johnny Otis, who launched and then nurtured the careers of many of R&B's greatest singers. died" recently. NYT ARTICLE
Below is a pic of Johnny's still living wife Phyllis Otis.
Thank you, Felicia for all of this info!!
Felicia said:
"They were married 70 years!"
Phyllis Otis
And, Felicia, I totally agree that "WE as IR married BW and BW PERIOD need to know OUR history and know about those GREAT men regardless of "race" who have loved, supported, and taken wonderful care of US.
Like you've said Evia and I've also known, when BW outmarry, we help ALL black folks, including other bw and bm . . . ."
And Felicia, we, not only help ALL black folks, we help ALL folks. No one in an interracial relationship or even thinking about one should ever forget what MILDRED LOVING did for them! It was none other than our homegirl--Mildred Loving who paved the way for their opportunities in the IR realm and their happiness. It was a major sacrifice and contribution she made.
Her life could have been taken ANY minute of any day during those years she was with Richard Loving. Just imagine the stress she endured!! That stress also affected her children.
This is why ALL bw need to stand up against these tyrants out there who are determined to use every tactic, including all of these skillfully masked okey-dokes to keep bw from being able to compete for the most QLL men in the global village.
BW, you don't need to be able to actually perceive the okey-doke to know that it's THERE. All you have to do is look around you and see the abominable condition that so many bw are in--in all kinds of ways. That's proof positive that an okey-doke is right there in the midst.
A wm wrote me a note to ask me to define what "okey-doke" means. LOL!
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