J & B – Engaged to be married in Dec. 2012 They met on Match.com. He was about to give up when he met her. LOL!
However, in my quest to find out why the female card is not of more use to some women–who want to get married– I came across THIS.
Just to be clear, I hope no one thinks I’m talking about the mechanics of sex when I mention the female card. Not at all. I’ll begin to spell it out and elaborate in the series of expanded ‘teaching articles’ and podcast I’m doing about the supreme value of the female card.
MOST women in the entire world are average looking because that’s what average means.
This is why the pics that I show of wm-bw marriages mostly all feature average looking people. I look average too–better on some days and not so great on others, depending on how I’m feeling, what I’m doing, how much makeup I’m wearing, etc.
These wm marry the women THEY want. I have no control over that. Where are the pictures of these wm-light-bw marriages???? I’ve posted some of them, but obviously there aren’t nearly as many of them as wm choosing browner and darker women.
Remember that the overwhelming most bw come in about 380 shades of browner and darker AND if these wm were [Read more…]
Marriage Congrats to Ebony and Jon!! And THANKS, Ebony, for all of the BWIR pics and links you’ve supplied me for the Ezine. Wishing you and Jon a long and blissful marriage and many healthy, bouncing babies. LOL! Ebony, when I looked at your wedding pics, I could tell that the two of you have great chemistry and genuinely like each other–not just love. There’s a certain comfort level that you two have with each other that is apparent. I can feel it! Wedding Pics SITE
I promised you that I would send wedding pics and here they are.
In a world of Newsweek articles about why black women except Michelle Obama can’t get married, I got married. Jon and I were married in Connecticut on a lovely Sunday morning. It’s been three weeks and I am very, very happy with my choice of husband. We have great conversations, we laugh a lot. We [Read more…]
Ayanna and Adib
Felicia, thanks! Yes, more and more black American women are wising up.
Other AA women out there, please speed up this process by telling other bw you know that IF they want to get married, only approx. 35% of AA men (1 out of 3) are married and of those who are married, 22% (more than 1 out of 5–according to a 2008 poll published by PEW Research Center) are married to non-bw. And 9% of black women in the U.S. are married to non-black men. THANKS to commenter PK for this recent stat.
Also, more AA men are stating it clearly that they are not going to marry ANY woman since they can get all the sex and other creature comforts they want from women without marriage.
I personally THANK those guys for saying it just like that. I love it when men tell on themselves and really SHOW themselves. LOL! And I mention this because so many AA women think that their black prince is on the way with the engagement ring. I don’t even like it sometimes when an AA woman grabs my hand to look at my beautiful marriage rings because I know what she’s thinking.
AA women must mingle ONLY with men who have shown that they are the marrying kind of men–IF those women do want to get married.
And AA women, YES, you must lose weight for your own health and longevity. I’m going to post a health article in my next essay that a kind man sent me about bw’s weight. However, even if you do lose weight and are not a baby mama and never mention your education to an AA man, and even if you have the demeanor of a “Stepford Wife,” and yadda-yadda, there is a very high probability that the AA man you may be dating will never ask you to marry him. That’s the probability. Look at the stats!!
As an adult woman, It’s your fault if you choose to believe all of the lies you’ve been told to stay away from all other men aside from AA men, most of whom will be choosing white-skinned women for mates IF they can get the wherewithawal to get or afford those women. You must stop engaging in magical thinking that IF AA men could only do better, they would then marry you and build up the black community. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you’re being told those lies in order for you to use your time, energy, ,money, intellect, talent, skills, abilities, and protective instincts to support, uplift, and defend men who are SHOWING that they do NOT choose AA women as mates when and if they do move on up. Do NOT lift up any man who’s not lifting YOU and women who look like you up!
On this BWIR site, for ex., you never see a wm or white-skinned man who has not lifted up a black woman. It’s about RECIPROCITY.
A huge proportion of the more upwardly mobile AA guys you see around you are trying to get their hands on mo’ money so that they can better afford a whiter woman. LOOK at the PATTERN. Everyone else sees this PATTERN except for many AA women.
[Y’all, I’ve added so much to this post until I decided to just add more pics instead of writing a new post. LOL!]
THANK YOU, Ann for the article about the Asian guy who seemed to be mainly promoting long term, committed relationships or marriages between AA women and Asian men. I didn’t check out his actual site prior to posting the article. I read the article though. In it, he was strongly encouraging Asian men to approach black women for dates, and refuted myths about black women being unapproachable. I REALLY appreciate that he did that, and that’s why I posted the article link.
Everyone: From now on, please check out material thoroughly before sending it to me. I don’t have a staff to vet material, and there are folks out there who are constantly trying to get material onto my site–material that is not in agreement with my position(s).
However, according to one of the commenters who went to this Asian guy’s actual site, she says the site actually involves a business teaching Asian men how to be better “pickup” artists and is seemingly infested with Asian men who are obssessed with simply scoring the “P” from white women. LOL! I certainly don’t want to help Asian men to score the “P” from bw.
I don’t have a problem with men giving men tips on how to approach women for reasons that will promote the betterment of women and men, but I do have a problem with men teaching men how to pick up white, black, or ANY woman JUST FOR empty SEX. That is SELFISH and one-sided. It’s USING a woman ‘s body as a semen dump and it has disastrous consequences like serious chronic or terminal DISEASES, unwanted children, abortions, and MOSTLY causes major distrust between men and women and lifelong emotional PAIN, in many instances. I had to tell a man recently that if a man just wants to pick up women to “score,” then he should just buy a sex worker (prostitute). He gets what he wants and she gets what she wants, with no dishonesty involved.
PICKING UP women to “score the P” is foul and involves DISHONESTY and DECEPTION. It’s scamming those women because men KNOW that most women think that he actually likes HER mind, body, and soul–not just her “P.” Men will deny this, but they know that if they told a woman, “I’m just here talking to you because you look like you have a good “P,” then the man would never get any sex. LOL! SO, men deceive women and I’m not going to be a part of any type of man’s campaign to deceive ANY type of women.
No, I’m NOT being naive, as I was accused. I know that this scamming women for sex is what causes most women not to trust MOST men. ALL women must constantly be on guard against these semen dumpers. If men approach women for relationships that will ultimately lead to sex, that’s different. But picking them up because they look “HOT” is empty and almost often leads to merely an exchange of body fluids. It rarely leads to a Quality relationship because Quality rarely has anything to do with the way a person LOOKS.
Okay, I’m sure that many of you folks are calling me a fuddy-duddy and worse right about now–LOL!– but this is a MARRIAGE-oriented site. I’m NEVER going to say anything positive about the hookup culture here. I’ve never been a part of the hookup culture, and I did just fine with men. I’ve had wonderful relationships with Quality men. I let men know right away with my behavior that I wasn’t the local semen dump, so those men who were looking for the local semen dump knew real fast that they were wasting their time with me.
And even MOST men are NOT happy in the hookup culture out there–no matter what they may claim–because a lot of men ARE actually getting the “P,” and a lot of them are STILL as mad as hell at women. Even a lot of AA men who brag that they can get all the “P” they want from all kinds of women STILL seem to have an insane hatred for the bw who are sexing them and are rarely committing to ANY woman or can’t sustain a relationship with ANY woman–according to the stats.
I’m also totally against women USING men for any reason and I don’t associate with women who tell me they do things like that. I believe that if she’ll use a man, she’ll also try to use me at a certain point.
I dated a wm once who a ww had badly used. He told me about how he had paid for luxurious perks for her like a vacation to the islands for her and her children from a previous relationship and for an expensive camp for her children, only to find out later on that she was just using him for his money. He actually made the comment to me that “You women are all the same.” This was on our second date when he told me this, so I definitely hadn’t used him for anything. YET there he sat blaming me and all other women for what she had done. I never went out with him again because I wasn’t going to allow him to use me to get his revenge for what she had done to him.
So, yeah, yeah, I know the “hookup” culture is going strong out there, but I have counseled many women AND men who have been victims of this supposedly cool hookup culture. These men and women have been wounded. Many of them never recover from their wounds. They take their wounds into the next relationship, just like the wm I mentioned above.
However, re the article, some of these Asian guys who know how to approach bw with the correct intentions are going to end up with some lovely, nurturing black women for wives. LOL! As a matter of fact, I’m getting sent more pics now of Asian men and AA women. The Asian guy in the article made reference to Asian men being shorter. I would like for Asian men to know that MANY black women do understand that a man’s strength has NOTHING to do with large body mass.
The type of strength from a man that turns on a Quality woman or definitely a woman like me is a man’s MENTAL strength, and his intellect. For ex. Darren is about 2-3 inches taller than me and his body build is slim and wiry, but his mental strength and his intellect make me sizzle. Also, he has no problem showing me his vulnerabilities. It takes a man with mental strength to be emotionally intimate with a woman and show her that he’s vulnerable, to cry or reveal his innermost needs to her, but if a man doesn’t show me his vulnerabilities, I’d figure he doesn’t trust me.
However, I’m not suggesting that women or men should expose their vulnerabilities to anyone if they can’t protect themselves because some people will try to take advantage of you–if they know your soft spots. IMO though, if I have to hide myself from my husband, then our relationship is a farce and I really wouldn’t value it much at all. That’s just me. I want to have a REAL relationship with a man or none at all. Life is too short for fakery; I’d rather use my energy in a more productive way.
Thanks, JJinPA for this Article Link:Black Women See Fewer Black Men At The Altar. Bw need to STOP mingling with BLACK men who they are propping up, protecting, supporting, defending and bailing out of one bad situation after another, and sexing, YET a huge number of these same bm won’t marry them.
I’m happy that the NYT is sticking bw’s faces in this because lots of folks, including every white person and African I know personally, already wonder why AA women keep behaving in such a stupid way, supporting and defending bm who don’t give a blip about them. The NYT and every other media organ needs to continue to punch AA women in the face with this. It is much better for these “nothing but a bm” women to be ALONE than to be DISRESPECTED!!
I have two black sons. If either of them ever gave me any inkling that he was going to kick me to the curb and uplift any other person, he would never get even a smile from me again, and he’d better be thinking about somewhere else to stay because his days would be limited around me. Why? Because I was there for them when no one else was, so they’re going to respect me and lift me up. And if not, then they’d better forget they ever had a mother because I wouldn’t lift a finger for them after that–no matter what. It would hurt like heck, but it’s a matter of principle and my self-respect.
So many AA women don’t respect themselves any more because they’ve allowed so many others to disrespect them. I might not be much to other folks, but they’re going to at least pretend to respect me or else.
But I let others know how I’m to be treated. And I’m not big and bad. I’m just going to always look out for my interests ‘first and foremost’ just like I looked out for the interests of my sons when they needed me most.
Shayna and Steve (below)
Thanks, Felicia for these beautiful pics. I’m getting so many pics now from you and others until I’m WAY behind on posting them!
Author: Mellissa A. Knowles
Photography by: Person + Killian Photography
“You might say it took a while for Shayna Seymour and Stephen Carr to get to a first date. After the two met in San Francisco, the romantic timing was never quite right. As friends, they secretly admired each other from afar, keeping in touch from different cities, connecting when possible. When both returned home to Massachusetts for work, they reunited for the “official” date that cinched their romance – a Red Sox victory over Yankees at Fenway Park. “It took us six years, but it was worth the wait.” Stephen, a school administrator, popped the question to an unsuspecting Shanya, a television journalist, on a romantic evening – complete with candles, rose petals and a little black ring box pulled from the boughs of their Christmas tree – planned just for her. . . .”
Darren finalized our vacation plans this morning. We’re going out of the country, as usual, and as is customary with us, we rented a very well-accommodated condo in a quaint part of the City of a major foreign capital. After we sent them a portion of the money, I got nervous because I vaguely remembered that my passport might have expired, but when I checked, it’s due for renewal in 2011, so it’s fine for this year. GREAT!
Actually, Darren and I had a kinda, sorta argument about the vacation because I wanted to stay a month, (since he can take the time) but he doesn’t want to stay a whole month BECAUSE his garden will need lots of attention during that particular time. He’s planted about 12 different types of veggies and melons, and he’s planted a lot of trees this year, including 15 Tupelo trees and said teasingly, or I think he was teasing, that we’ll have plenty of Tupelo honey. I love the garden goodies, but I wish they didn’t interfere with our vacation. That garden has become like another child, except that there’s no babysitter or family member who’ll watch the garden! LOL!
NO one wants to do that amount of work in this humid heat. And he wouldn’t want anyone out there anyway messing in his garden because that’s what he LOVES to do. Some men love sports; others love to build things in their shop in the basement, but Darren loves nature and gardening. They’re passions for him.
So, the compromise was for us to split the vacation into 2 separate sessions. We’ll spend the first session over there, and we will go somewhere else for another couple of weeks later this summer. That might actually be more fun. I was thinking about Martha’s Vineyard again, if we stay in the country, but there really isn’t much to do there aside from strolling around looking out for famous folks, eating, and buying stuff with MV and names of local places printed on them. LOL! I do like some of the shops there, but Darren and I couldn’t do much else aside from lots of walking and roller blading early in the morning before all of the tourists came out. The beach there was beautiful and there were a lot of activities for the boys though, so that was good.
If anyone knows of a non-touristy place that’s really interesting that has history, arts, another cultural flavor, a variety of activities, in the northeast, please let me know. New Orleans had that, but I don’t know whether I’d want to go back there after Katrina. I like Charleston, SC, but whew, it’s scorching in the summer. Miami is too. The south is, in general, just TOO hot in the summer! Darren’s going to the Rockies’ area next week, and I’m not particularly interested in going that way.
I love being out of the country and so does he. He’s done a lot of traveling and living in other countries for years when he was in 20s and early 30s. He still loves traveling, except for when his garden is calling him. LOL! I’m thinking more and more of living for at least a portion of the year outside the States when he retires one of the these old days. He keeps talking about going back to Zanzibar. He always has a wistful tone in his voice when he talks about that.
Candace and Tommaso
Darren loves his job though, so I won’t hold my breath for that to happen. I love it that he has a stimulating job and has the type of job where he can take time off or take his work with him, so we’ll have to use that perk, in the meanwhile, for our outings. LOL!
I told her I’d post excerpts from it and use them for a teachable moment.
I am a single woman,and I have been in 3 interracial relationships in my time of dating,but where i live dating seems to be limited to meeting wm online . . . the WM [generally] have the wrong stereotype of blacks, maybe some of the elements they live among (i.e. they try to act gangster,or what they interpret as “black”). Maybe some decent WM are afraid to approach.
Is there any advice you can recommend on places to be to meet WM, or any dating books or approaches to have conversations with a wm of interest? Thank you. I have just come across your site, and you have a lot of valuable information. I love reading everyone’s comments on these topics.
My understanding is you have to be cautious of anyone you date, be it locally in your city or online.This may be a crazy question,but is it wrong to want to know the background of a person before you get involved? And i am not a typical type of AA woman. I don’t mind engaging in activities outside of my social comfort zone
. . . . and I’m in no way trying to offend anyone with the comments i made with “gangsta”or “acting black,” but i have to go through those stereotypes myself. Because i may speak articulately, some of my peers black and white perceive that to be “acting white,” which is something I never understood. i am separating myself from those elements. i just didnt know where to really look.
Initially, I was a bit irked by ENW’s comments because her question regarding how to meet suitable wm just made me tired. So I may have been too abrupt in my initial response to her and that’s why I’m elaborating here.
ENW, no need to apologize or explain and since you’re a new reader, you obviously don’t realize that this is an issue that I and most of the BWIR-BWE bloggers have been discussing for YEARS!!!! We’ve been trying to push AA women out there into the global village to do their fishing in the ocean to find a quality mate and construct their Living Well life–for YEARS. I KNOW I have. That’s been like a broken record for me.
I’ve personally been writing the SAME essay for 4 YEARS, saying the SAME thing!!!!!! LOL!
I’ve been saying for YEARS that AA women need to THINK totally differently and do things DRASTICALLY different and take advantage of ALL of their dating, mating, and other options in the entire global village and not give a blip what all of the tackheads might say. But some of you are so attuned to those tackheads. As you say, your black and white “friends” say you’re “acting white” because you have good diction. Guess what? Your chances of meeting and developing a committed relationship with a Quality wm or any Quality non-AA man while you’re “acting black” is next to ZERO. My ex-husband is a bm from another country and he would never have been interested in me, if I’d been one of those “acting black” creatures. However, I can tell from your note that it bothers you what the tackheads are saying.
However, you’re not alone. So many AA women are still playing it safe, staying close to home, playing by all of the staid, conservative, PREDICTABLE rules, clutching their “black card” tightly trying to keep the approval of tackheads and many folks in the black community and black social circle by holding out for a bm. Remember that as long as you’re predictable, you can be easily out-competed.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but everything is NOT going to be ‘alright’ for most of you young AA women unless you do something DRASTICALLY different. Your “predictably waiting” strategy is not working, but you continue to use it.
African American women are in EXTINCTION mode. “Normal” rules that used to apply do NOT apply any longer. CREATIVITY is KING.
Rules of nature will not change in our lifetime. Females without protection WILL be preyed on, so you cannot afford to fritter away your resources.
I hope y’all have a few backup plans, just in case, as you get older. Also, from science, we know that “animals that travel in herds are safer.” Guess what? Humans are animals too. This is why I’m pitching the Intentional Community concept at AA women. Lots of AA women really need to form and participate in intentional communities for social, emotional, financial, and security reasons, plus others. Beware of people who are pushing y’all into polygamous relationships with AA men, but will try to make you believe that an Intentional Community that you and a group of other bw set up for yourselves to promote and protect your interests is a cult.
And keep in mind that in actual polygamy, the MAN financially supports his wives. In the AA version of polygamy that I’ve heard discussed, it’s the women who all work to support the MAN. Trust me that these AA men are not trying to round up a bunch of unskilled, unemployed women to financially support! LOL! Believe me. Those guys want women who can bring in some MONEY! So, this is NOT polygamy. This is just more use and abuse of AA women!! THINK! THINK! I first did a post in 2008 warning AA women about polygamy HERE.
I think that if I were a, let’s say, 20-something AA woman, I’d get or have my degree(s) first and I’d then work maybe 3 jobs for a year, live frugally, and save as much as possible. I’d then take off to another country. Being an American would be an advantage in some of those situations. I’d probably try to find a job as a teacher in another country though or work as a missionary or volunteer, if nothing else. In itself, that would just be a very broadening experience that would change your outlook on life in many ways if you stayed there for a year or two. And you might meet a wonderful man in the process, but even if you didn’t, you’d have wonderful memories, and that experience could lead you to various other ones–because you’d be a different person by the time you came back. By the time you came back, the tackheads that are so important now to so many younger AA women would be viewed more like throwbacks.
I guess I don’t understand what a typical AA woman feels she has to lose. I just don’t get it. I know it’s comfortable being accepted and embraced by the usual folks, but just look at the price you have to pay for that acceptance and comfort. They’ve virtually requiring y’all to dry us, ALONE.
You need to THINK differently and live your lives differently and think about YOUR interests FIRST AND FOREMOST. I’ve been screaming the alarm about this dire situation for AA women for 4 years because these numbers have been getting publicized for years! I think it’s finally dawning on a large number of AA women that what Evia has been squawking is true! I know I’ve been sounding like “Chicken Little” who warned that the sky was falling. LOL! It’s because I can see it so clearly and I can extrapolate!
So, as I explained in my initial response to you, I no longer post any comment from a bw where she sounds frustrated or sounds like she doesn’t know what to do because if any of you have been reading my site and the sites of other BWIR-BWE bloggers, you probably have read many times that so many AA women are in the grips of “learned helplessness.” It’s not that they can’t figure out what to do; they’re just used to someone else telling them exactly what to do and giving them permission to do it, and/or they fear their own intuition, hunches common sense because they fear that if they do something the “black” police has forbidden, they will get their “black card” yanked.
And in other cases, some AA women just cannot believe, don’t want to believe that the situation is as dire as it is.
So many AA women are suffocating in that tight corner and they’re not getting any younger. And that’s REAL.
So many AA women of all ages who are seeing their mating days and mating chances grow slimmer and dimmer are wondering today how they can get past the “black” police, and love and be loved by a non-AA man while keeping their “black” card, which means keep their “acting black” friends, family members, and other blacks in their church, their community, black homeless people and other black strangers on the street from accusing them of “acting white.” LOL!
I have a AA man friend who used to be my accountant. He still gives me good financial advice and then the convo usually veers to my Ezine and my marriage to Darren. He tells me all of the time that every bw he knows tells him that she would NEVER date a wm. YET, most single bw I know these days tell me that they would date a wm and they want to know whether Darren has any single brothers. Anyway, I was talking with this guy on the phone last week when he brought up how “unique” I am to have married a wm. What he meant was that I’m “unpredictable.” “Unique” is a synonym for “UNPREDICTABLE.” I told him about the increasing percentage of bw-wm marriages 6.5 % (not counting the ones that will pop up in the 2010 Census) and growing and that just about ALL of those bw he talks with are LYING to him.
He refused to believe that they’re lying to keep their “black” card, but I know that they know how insecure he feels–just like I do, and they certainly wouldn’t want him to mention to anyone else in that small community that they’re interested in dating wm–because he WOULD mention it. They also lie to make him– da po’ bm–feel like there’ s no other man who can compete with a swaggering AA man. LOL!
Anyway, he became irate at that point and actually mentioned the “natural” rhythm that a bm just “naturally” has.
Wow! I couldn’t believe he went there. So I had to tell him that AA men really need to try to think with that head above their neck some of the time and that SOME men in ALL groups have rhythm and “SKILLS” and some do NOT, including bm and to stop with that MYTH about this supposed superiority of the bm magical genitals as if a woman like me was born yesterday. I pointed out how it was racist wm who created this myth of the bm’s monstrous/magical genitals in order to depict the bm as animalistically as possible and NOW bm have grabbed desperately to that racist myth and run around waving these supposed monster/magical genitals at women, whether they have anything much to wave or not, and whether they have any skills or not.
He really started shouting then, so I told him I wasn’t enjoying the chat anymore since he was out of control and was about to hang up. He calmed down then but I told him I’m not going to talk about IRs with him ever again. He then told me that he doesn’t have anything against IRs because his wife’s teen son is dating a white girl. LOL! No, he doesn’t have a problem with that, but he certainly has a problem with bw with wm. So, this is one reason why so many AA women are fearful of publicizing their interest in possibly dating wm or even any white-skinned men. They can’t push those insecure mugs like him aside and come out of that corner!
So, ENW, I know you may not believe me, but any black person who would deny you the normal woman’s desire to love and to be loved by a loving and lovable quality man who will commit to her, marry her, is a person who is NO VALUE to you. If any person around you even hints to you that you should not mingle with quality loving and lovable men of any and all skin shades, that person is a NO VALUE person to you.
BW–once again, let me offer a yardstick to measure a person’s value to you. If you use this gauge, you won’t waste your time, energy, resources on useless others. An AA woman CANNOT afford to spend more than a minute of her time or other valuable resources with anyone who is of No Value to her. As soon as you’re an adult, cut them loose.
But remember that everybody IS useful or valuable to somebody–just not YOU. For ex., a heroin dealer is valuable to the heroin addict since the dealer supplies a necessary drug, but a heroin dealer is NOT valuable to me–AT ALL and is actually of MV–a minus value. Unless, you are a Mother Theresa type or a deity, YOU must always look at others in terms of the SUM TOTAL of value that individual adds to YOUR life. If AA women were to use this gauge, they would be so much better off instead of giving, giving, giving to others of virtually no value to them who don’t reciprocate anywhere near what they receive.
Keep in mind that so many AA women are listed in the poorest demographic in this country–NOT because they don’t work hard and not because they haven’t paid their dues, but because of what they give away or allow others to get from them FOR CHEAP. I give too, but I INSIST (not loudly and crudely) on reciprocation, and if I don’t get it, I SHOW others with my actions that they won’t be getting anything more from me.
Anyway, I first detailed this People Value Scale about 2 years ago. I pointed out that there are the:
1. SVs–-the Super Valuable people to you; the HEROES in your life because they put constant effort into uplifting you. They keep you glowing or at least humming. In my life, some of these people include my husband, Darren, my sons, a few of my male and female relatives, my sisterfriends, and a few of my friends. Not many people, but I’m blessed to have them.
2. Vs–the Valuable people to you; All of the above individuals PLUS other individuals who are supportive and helpful to me some of the time. They can USUALLY be counted on to “be there” for me when I need or want something, or support of some kind.
3. LVs–those of Little Value to you; Every then and now, they might do something helpful. Be thankful for what they do, but don’t invest much at all in them.
4. NVs– those of NO Value to you. These people are too numerous to mention.They are the ZEROS in your life. They bring NOTHING. MOST people are in this category in relation to each of us, but some of those around us are ACTIVE NVs. These Active NVs are of No Value to us ON PURPOSE. Some other NVs are passive NVs. The passive NVS are usually of no value out of necessity because each of us can only be SVs and Vs to a limited number of people. HOWEVER, there are many people in the ACTIVE NV category–who surround a typical AA woman who are draining her, using and abusing her, and absolutely refuse on principle to make any effort to reciprocate–even when it’s easy for them to do so. They are the parasites, and you don’t really feel good around these people. On some level, you know they’re not good for you, but they need you, so they never leave you alone.
I’ll bet every AA woman reading this can identify some of these in her life. Just think of those people who you don’t really feel good or comfortable with, but they’re constantly around you, for some reason, or may consider y’all to be friends or “close.”
5. MVs–those of Minus Value; these are the malicious folks who make it a point to poison you emotionally and spiritually whenever they get a chance. They drain or kill your spirit and bring you low in all kinds of ways and in some scenarios, these folks will actually try or succeed at seriously harming you and yours, physically–in some cases.
There is overlapping in 1 & 2 above and the same goes for 3 & 4 & 5.
However, ENW, many black women have LEARNED how to be “helpless” because of their fear of displeasing the LVs, the NVs, and MVs. Does that make any sense? No one who is an SV or a V to you would accuse you of “acting white” simply because you have good diction or date wm. I know you may think these are your friends, but they’re not. And those white friends, for sure, do NOT go around other whites “acting black” unless they’re putting on an act in a skit or mocking black folks. Yeah, young whites might try that persona on like a costume, but they know how and when to take it off.
There are young whites in Darren’s family who listened to hardcore rap music, but they still went on to college and majored in the so-called “hard” sciences, got married, and one of his nephews who used to listen to gangsta rap all of the time is now getting a doctorate in mathematics at a highly rated university. I think he was given a full scholarship to attend, so while he was listening to that gangsta rap, he was still getting very good grades. Contrast that to the typical AA man who’s plugged into the hip hop scene. Yet, I hear AA men talk and almost brag about how so many whites bought/buy rap music. Trust me, the bulk of these white youth look at a lot of gangsta rap and such as pure nig#a sh$t. It’s just a phase for them–just like being a hippie was for many of the “flower children” of the 1960s and ’70s.
My point here is that your REAL friends try to help you to be the best YOU can be. People who actually care about you want you to be happy–not to keep them happy at your expense. These friends of yours are mostly concerned about how you may be perceived by the “acting black crew” and how the way you talk may reflect on them because one of the ABCs might ask one of them, “Why are you hanging out with that black girl who’s “acting white'”?
So I don’t post comments that reflect “learned helplessness.” I know that whenever SOME of my readers read or hear another bw sound as if she is helpless, frustrated, and sound like she doesn’t know what to do, it reinforces that learned helplessness and causes the helplessness they’ve learned to flare up.
Learned helplessness is contagious. It’s an epidemic. There are entire communities of blacks in this country who are totally afflicted with “learned helplessness” they’ve caught from other blacks around them. Therefore, after other bw read that type of comment from you, it triggers the lessons they’ve learned regarding being helpless and I then get a bunch of comments from these other bw where they will proclaim they’re helpless too.
If you really think about it, I KNOW you can figure out how to meet the type of men you want to meet because–and please don’t take this the wrong way, those men are NOT hiding. SOME of them will be at the Jazz Festival in the South of France this summer that my girlfriend told me about yesterday, and some of them will be at the Jazz Festival in Montreal at the end of this month and at many other events. It’s VERY easy to find out about these and many other events online.
So, your question is not actually what you asked. We’ve already covered the numerous ways to meet wm many times in the last 4 years here and on various sites, so I’d suggest you read back on my site and others. My books also cover that and they are for sale.
If I’m understanding your question about wanting to know about a person’s background correctly–of course, it’s not wrong to want to know about a person’s background, but you should avoid asking people blunt personal questions. That is considered crude. You usually ask a person about their background in an indirect or subtle way because people become offended if you try to interrogate them. That’s a social faux pas. Also, the really harmful folks will know how to answer those blunt questions smoothly to throw you off track. But to be safe, you should find out as much as you can before meeting any strange person, and always meet them in a highly public place the first time, no matter what.
A Note from S, a bw:–DEAS Question # 9 – THANK YOU to all who support the “Dear Evia Advice System (DEAS).”
1. If you would like to receive the response I sent S, please deposit $2.95 in my Tipjar located at the top lefthand sidebar.
2. Subscription to the Vetting Men 101 and Intentional Community newsletters is ongoing and you will receive ALL back issues. Please deposit $29.95 for both newsletters or $21.95 for one and tell me which one.
3. For the “His White Privilege Benefits Me” PODCAST, please deposit $9.95 in the Tipjar.
4. For the PODCAST “His Money, Her Money, Their VALUES–The Importance of Money and Similar Values in a Successful Relationship,” the cost is $5.95.]
In my family, there are NO other women that would have provided the information and wisdom that I have read on your site. Thank you.
I’ve been following your site for about 2 years now and consider the information I’ve been exposed to live saving. I am 28 and at a crossroads in my life. On your site you have mentioned several times that it is important for young bw to vet potential partners in their early 20’s, so that by the time they are 25-28, marriage is an option.
I wish I had discovered your site earlier, but I didn’t. The last two years have been about me being de-programmed from a lot of mule-like behaviors. So here I am at 28, wondering if I have potentially missed the boat in dating?
Honestly, I’m one of those black women, who you’ve mentioned on your site that DOES NOT have a safety net. I want to go to grad school and start my own business, but worry that If I don’t begin to build a support system now, it will forever impact the quality of my life. I DO NOT want to become one of those bw who is juggling everything alone with no support system.
I also don’t want to end up 40 and bitter because I was singing the black woman’s mantra about doing it all myself and didn’t take the time to really go after things that were important to me like, a relationship with a quality mate. The ABCs and the bc have told me that “I have plenty of time” to date. I know better than to listen to them.
Please share your opinion with me about how I should proceed.
Thanks for keeping it real!”
Thank you, Felicia for finding this information!! I tell ya–Felicia is a researcher extraordinaire. She deserves a BIG tip for this info. She has staged a one-woman coup! I've gotten quite a few inquiries re research conducted on black-white marriages in general and some of the queries specifically ask about the success rates of BW-WM marriages. Well, these results below are recent and are based on a comprehensive study conducted by the National Council on Family Relations (NCFR).
If anyone wants to argue, dispute, or naysay these findings, tell them to argue with the NCFR.
I didn't put any pictures in this essay because I want y'all to copy this and send it to all the bw you know who are still being fed lies upon lies about bw-wm relationship success. So many black women are constantly told the LIE that a relationship or marriage to a white man is not going to work. I was told the same thing by quite a few black folks who claimed they cared about my well-being. LOL! Apparently, they were hoping that what they predicted would come true or they didn't have the facts. THIS research study has proven just the opposite. I'll be sure to send the naysayers these findings.
Here's the LINK to the NCFR's exhaustive findings. LOL! Read it for yourself.
Remember that this research study was conducted by The National Council on Family Relations. (NCFR) They would have NO reason to be biased. This study compared different combos of interracial relationships to same-race relationships. I have listed a few of their findings below.
The report said they "used 10 years as our primary exposure period [to examine] because the average duration of American marriages that end in divorce is 8 years."
1. "Racial differences in marriage, on the other hand, correspond to higher divorce rates but mostly in marriages where the White spouse is female."
2. "NH [non-hispanic] Black husband/White wife marriages were twice as likely to divorce as White/White couples, and NH Asian husband/ White wife couples were 59% more likely, according to Model II. Highlighting the role of gender in interracial dynamics, the reverse combinations actually showed a lower or similar risk of divorce."
[This next finding is really amazing until you consider # 6 below.]
3. "White husband/NH Black wife couples were 44% less likely to divorce than White/White couples," and White husband/NH Asian wife couples were only 4% more likely to divorce by Year 10.
4. "The current study examined the likelihood of divorce among interracial couples compared to same-race couples. We find that although interracial marriages overall are more vulnerable to divorce, this reflects the experience of some but not all couples. According to the adjusted models predicting divorce as of their 10th year of marriage, interracial marriages that are most vulnerable involve White females and non-White males (with the exception of White females/Hispanic White males) relative to White/White couples. Conversely, White men/ non-White women couples show either very little or no differences in divorce rates; or, as in the case of White men and Black women, are substantially less likely than White/White couples to divorce by their 10th year."
5. "Our data show that these marriages, specifically those involving Black men and White women, have the highest likelihood of disruption of any White/ non-White marriages."
6. "NH Black women and White men who choose to intermarry may be selective of an especially high degree of commitment to their relationship that reduces the potential for divorce."
[So this is exactly what I said–even before I read these findings. BW-WM relationships tend to be the REAL DEAL; we're not "experimenting."]
[In other words, bw who marry wm tend to be selective and we tend to select white men who can commit to a long term relationship; these men are serious about that commitment and the converse is also true, meaning that wm tend to select commitment-centric bw.]
I remember Darren actually saying this to me before we got married. He said he knew that I would make a commitment to our marriage, and that he felt very good about that. I knew he was commitment material too.
7. "Interracial couples tend to be homogamous on education."
[This means that their educational levels or skills, abilities, etc. tend to be the same or equivalent.] For ex. one bw who married a wm told me that although her husband didn't have as much advanced education as she had, he was a diplomat. It goes without saying that through his job, he brought a tremendous amount of social and other capital to her table–although he didn't have as much formal education as she had. (Read about this couple in BOOK 2 of my essays.)
8. "Whites, specifically White females, who intermarry tend to be less educated than those who marry other Whites."
Wow, so much about these findings rings true–in general–about me and Darren.
Anyway, Felicia has dug out the research findings. It's not necessary to argue with anyone; just refer them to the study and if they want to argue, tell them to get in touch with the NCFR. This is especially timely info.
To black women and ALL of our male admirers. Yeah, YOU. LOL! PLEASE circulate this information. It doesn't matter what the women do with it. Just send it to them.
The following pertains to black-black marriages in the U.S. I didn't make any of this up. This is actually what's going on despite all notions about "black love" and "black folks gotta stick together" and other types of magical thinking circulating among blacks in the U.S.
Divorce Statistics: Effects on Black Community
http://www.divorcereform.org/black.html (Handy information regarding the dismal state of black relationships. Lowest married rate and highest divorce rate.)
Here's an ARTICLE I just received that was pulled from Essence Magazine. Thank you SF for this link!Lawdy! Essence is finally catching on–a lil bit. Among middle-class and upwardly mobile bw in the U.S. who seek love and marriage –with a suitable and compatible quality man–along with children, and IN THAT ORDER, the exodus is already well underway. By this, I mean there is a quiet shift taking place emotionally, mentally, intellectually, if not physically–yet. MANY bw in these shifting categories are already ISO new destinations. However, a lot of bw do not have the right information about their various options, but once they get it, they're not slow. Please spread the information!! When bw know better, the vast majority of them will make better choices.
Anyway, I'll be back in a few days to stick in some pictures and links of more weddings scenes, marriage announcements etc. In the meanwhile, make sure you're MOVING ON.
It is time for African American women to totally and completely just MOVE ON. You absolutely must just MOVE ON. BW–Just expand your social circles and networks to the max and MOVE ON. Be the best that you can be and just MOVE ON. Stop allowing people to play mind tricks on you that waste your precious time, energy, and youth. Just MOVE ON. BW–STOP trying to get people to understand why you're leaving and just MOVE ON. Stop looking back and just MOVE ON. Stop thinking about what's back there.
Just MOVE ON. Yesterday is over, and there's no changing what happened yesterday, so just MOVE ON. BW–Free your mind and just MOVE ON. The quality of your life tomorrow depends on the quality of your decisions today. Just MOVE ON. PLEASE read KHADIJA'S blog about all of the mind tricks played on AA women and the myriad reasons why you need to just MOVE ON. If you want to free your mind, you absolutely must read her blog. And you'll feel freer by the second to just MOVE ON.
BTW, here's a young BW-IR SITE that is MUST-READING. Powerful writer and much critical thinking over there! Please check out her site, encourage her, comment, and show her some support. You can imagine the venom she's catching from the Ikes and Ikettes on her Youtube videos. I haven't had a chance to check out her video(s) yet.
Also please check out the Letters from Readers section here on the site. I still get a bunch of notes from readers and I love sharing them with you. I'd just fallen behind, so I'll catch up. Check it out because there's sometimes very useful info in some of the notes that can help you or a bw you love.
AA women are waking up. Any AA women who doesn't wake up will not survive. It's a life and death situation now; they may as well just wake up and decide to survive and thrive or else they may as well just dry up quietly because that fate is easily predictable for many of them. There is NO help on the way. Even President Obama is fighting for his own survival. Am I being melodramatic? Not hardly. We already see this happening all around us. Bw–Mate Out or Die Out! Stop trying to hold up the bc!
Okay, Thanks NK for these beautiful pics of Scenes from the Wedding of Monesha and Jonathan. CONGRATULATIONS to you both! Much Love and Happiness!
I'm a strong proponent of marriage for AA women, so I want to devote this particular essay to MARRIAGE–the benefits of it for women AND to men. Along with all of the deeply emotional, spiritual, and practical benefits I derive from marriage, I ENJOY being married! Marriage is a lot of FUN. LOL! I don't think people talk nearly enough about how gratifying it is to be in a committed partnership with a quality mate. I will post info below about many of the various benefits of marriage. Here's a LINK so you can read about this couple. Doesn't she looks like a young Condi Rice?
I also have another wedding to post either in this essay or the next one. Some bw have moved on or never got stuck to begin with. If a young bw starts early in her twenties, like I did and many other women do, positioning herself for marriage to a QUALITY man, and only mingling with quality men, there wouldn't be nearly as many of y'all who want to get married and aren't married. STOP listening to people who tell you that you have plenty of time or that you must only romantically mingle with men of a certain skin shade or ethnicity.
You are free to mingle and mate with any compatible QUALITY man, but you must vet him because all quality men are not compatible with you. And please make sure that he's the marrying kind. There are some men who are not the marrying kind. A man is much more likely to be the marrying kind if there are people close to him who are married or if he comes from the marrying kind of background. The probability is much higher with a man of that type.
Remember that 99.99% of life is a matter of probability. In your personal life, only spend time with people with whom there's a HIGH probability that they are in line with YOUR values and YOUR goals. These people tend to be more like minded. Put distance between yourself and anyone else.
The below is a re-posted portion of an essay I did earlier this year re the Benefits of Marriage. After reading this, you will clearly see why homosexuals are pushing for the right to get married. Of course, I don't blame them AT ALL! The next time any person tells you that there's no point in getting married, point out to them that they're impoverishing themselves in numerous ways, and with the below information, you can actually cite details.
Also, as much as there is a decline in the U.S. among various races and ethnic groups marrying and an increase in those naysaying marriage, the vast majority of people in other groups are STILL trying to get married–both the women and the men. This is just common sense, no matter how it's looked at. There are SO many benefits–across the board–especially when you marry a QUALITY, compatible partner. One thing I know for sure is that there are very few AA women who can actually afford not to get married–but you must marry a QUALITY partner.
I have to keep "QUALITY" on the front burner because SO much depends on that. I want AA women to have Quality lives. I believe strongly in having a Quality life. Was it Dr. King who said: "It's not important how long you love; it's how well you live [that's important]." Living well is very important. Quality is one of my strongest values, so with every decision I make–with people, places, and things, I inject as much "quality" as possible.
Bw–Do NOT settle for less than a QUALITY mate, and what you consider a "quality" mate to be depends on your VALUES and station in life. So I can't exactly tell YOU who your quality mate is. My ideal quality man, for ex., may not be yours, but there are some basic criteria. Any quality man is going to spend a large chunk of his time preparing to provide and protect women and children or is already prepared to do so. This protection spans from the emotional to the practical realms and all points in between. I'm focusing here on NEEDS, not wants.
This doesn't mean that a man should be expected to meet ALL needs of women and children.This is why a variety of relationships are necessary. No one person should be expected to meet ALL needs, but basic protection and provisions are critical NEEDS that any man who is serious about a woman should offer. Safety/security are critical needs of women because women feel vulnerable a lot of the time. A lot of us women spend lots of time sharing notes on how to remain safe.
Therefore, an actual man understands that this is his major role, to make it a priority to keep his mate and children safe across the board. Higher-functioning men do the bulk of this protection with their brainpower. So the typical woman wants a man who is willing to do his utmost to provide for and protect her and any children they may have. Women, in general, do not respect men who don't do their utmost to provide and protect. A woman may pity a man and stay with a man who doesn't do this, but I can guarantee you that the respect is lacking. She may actually love him, but she will only respect him when she sees him making a strong effort to provide and protect on a continuous basis.
Regarding safety, for ex., I always notice the amount of interest both Darren (present husband) and my ex-husband (a Nigerian) took/take in the mundane aspects of my life. LOL! I'm a level-headed woman who can do many things, but these guys were/are very interested in my life. At first, I didn't quite understand exactly why they were so interested in some of the minutiae. I then realized that they do this to make sure that there is nothing looming that may harm me or the children. So there's frequently a quick check to ward off possible stressful things or dangers. If they detect anything that might pose stress or problems for me, they start right away working to mitigate it. That's one of those invisible aspects of the kinds of protection that my type of quality man provides. He's brainy and a forward thinker and can therefore prevent a variety of potential harm. More than likely, I intuitively chose men of this sort. You may not be interested in this type of Quality man. This is the type I prefer.
I think that most women already know what their basic criteria for a Quality man are, but definitely MANY AA women are directly and indirectly pressured–internally and externally–to settle for much less than they deserve. And then there are those women (and men) who overestimate or underestimate their Romantic Mate Value (RMV)–a topic I'll discuss in detail in another blog.
A number of blog researchers provided the info below on the Benefits of Marriage. I THANK them AGAIN for the valuable service they provided.
Without further adieu, here are some of the most beneficial aspects of marriage. PLEASE SHARE THIS INFO WITH OTHERS!! "Knowledge is power" ONLY if you can get it in time and USE it.
#1 From BEVERLY:
Financial benefits of marriage:
Marriage Rights and Benefits
Learn some of the legal and practical ways that getting married changes your life.
Whether or not you favor marriage as a social institution, there's no denying that it confers many rights, protections, and benefits — both legal and practical. Some of these vary from state to state, but the list typically includes:
* Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
* Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.
Estate Planning Benefits
* Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
* Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
* Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
* Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse — that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse’s behalf.
* Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
* Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
* Receiving public assistance benefits.
* Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
* Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
* Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
* Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse’s close relatives dies.
* Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
* Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.
* Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
* Making burial or other final arrangements.
* Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
* Applying for joint foster care rights.
* Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
* Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.
* Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
* Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.
* Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
* Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
* Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.
Other Legal Benefits and Protections
* Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).
* Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
* Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can’t force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
* Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
* Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
* Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.
#2 –Felicia sent in a couple of MUST-READ articles re Social Security, pension, and other financial PENALTIES for unmarried bw. Read them in THIS Post in the "PONDERING" section.
#3– Sloane (sistrunkqueen) sent the following vital information about many of the SOCIAL, EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, and HEALTH benefits of marriage.
by Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D, MPH.
If you are currently married, divorced once or ten times, a career bachelor, or just contemplating marriage, this article might be of interest to you.
What is marriage? Marriage is the following:
The institution that legally, spiritually and culturally binds and recognizes man and woman as partners.
The most valued and beautiful of all human relationships and a fundamental social institution which is central to the nurture and raising of children.
It is the ‘social glue’ that reliably attaches fathers to children.
It contributes to the physical, emotional and economic health of men, women and children. A strong commitment to marriage is therefore fundamental to the health and stability of any home, community or nation.
What do Americans think about marriage? Studies indicate that having a happy marriage is one of the most important desires of Americans. However, more and more Americans are becoming less likely to marry or remain married. About 50% of American marriages end in divorce for multiple reasons, and some as vague as “irreconcilable differences”.
What are some general benefits of marriage? Health and family science researchers cite the following as benefits of marriage:
Marriage tends to improve the way people think about themselves, their spouse, others, and the future.
Husbands and wives are more likely to do unselfish things for each other and for their families than they would do if unmarried.
Individuals who are married are more responsible to their communities and the nation.
Individuals committed to one another in marriage can come home and find a place to understand each other deeply and redefine ways to fulfill their roles to themselves, their community and nation.
What are physical health benefits of Marriage?
Married people across cultures have better health than unmarried people.
Married individuals have lower rates of alcoholism than their unmarried counterparts because they tend to offer and receive encouragement, support, and protection from daily problems that could otherwise lead them to using alcohol and other drugs.
Married men and women have lower suicide rates than unmarried ones because married people have meaningful social networks of friends and relatives. Meaningful relationships give people a sense of personal value and a feeling of responsibility to others.
Married individuals have less illness, accidents, and murder; they are less likely to die from all causes, including heart disease, stroke, cancer, car accidents, and murder.
Married individuals spend less time in hospitals and have higher recovery rates.
Married individuals tend to have stronger immune systems, making them less likely to catch colds and develop other illnesses than unmarried ones.
What are the emotional health benefits of marriage?
Married individuals have the lowest rates of depressions and schizophrenias compared to the unmarried.
They tend to handle stress and anxiety better than their unmarried counterparts.
Marriage tends to make individuals to be more motivated to do well at work and to persevere through stressful situations.
Married persons are less likely to be lonely because they always have someone to share their thoughts, feelings, and lives with.
Married persons are more likely to report feeling hopeful, happy, and good about themselves.
Married couples have sex more often and enjoy it more physically and emotionally than their unmarried counterparts.
What are economic benefits of marriage?
Married couples have higher incomes than single men and women.
As a marriage endures, couples have more obligations to each other and tend to be more financially responsible, and more likely to save money. Example: a husband who is skilled at repairing things can save a lot of money for the family; same applies to a wife who is skilled at managing money.
It is important to remember that when marriage partners pool their physical, emotional and economic resources together, the marriage, the family, the community and nation benefits.
#4 KR provided the following article link regarding how those who divorce fare vs those who remain married in this ARTICLE, which underscores the value of marriage and the importance of both partners investing in the marital relationship in order to maintain the marriage.
Thanks so much, Beverly, Felicia, Sloane, and KR!! Well Done!!