Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine

BFIM Gazette: The Edelmans, Kola Boof, Join IR Romance Book Club, Halima's Post, Dear Evia Question #3

It's in keeping with February as Black History Month that my headline picture for this page is "Marian Wright Edelman, a lifelong advocate for dis-advantaged Americans and is the President of the Children's Defense Fund (CDF). Under her leadership, CDF has become the nation's strongest voice for children and families.  Marian Wright Edelman-a truly monumental woman, seen here with her husband Prof. Peter Edelman.

Thanks, Felicia for digging out this pic! Here are the site links for both of these highly accomplished people. 

Marian Wright Edelman

Peter Edelman

Notice that she says in the "Remembering Mildred Loving" ARTICLE, "my husband Peter and I were the first interracial couple to be married in Virginia after the Supreme Court decision—40 years ago—in July 1968." Thanks for highlighting that, Felicia.

Also, I must just say about "Black History" month that learning history is very important and it's YOUR responsibility to learn YOUR history. It would be nice and "fair" if someone would teach it to you, but if they don't, and they most probably won't, it's STILL your responsibility to dig it out and learn it. I dug out my history and learned it. We've taught our children their history on both sides. But we've also taught them that its' THEIR responsibility to learn more and more and more on their own. I get so annoyed at people who keep blaming educators for not teaching EVERYTHING. People need to get up off their behinds, turn off the TV, and learn things ON THEIR OWN because everybody has the same number of hours in a day. 

If some of you don't know what you're responsible for, well I don't mind telling you. You don't have to listen, but I can easily tell you. LOL!  If you don't know your history, you don't know who you are or what you are. You'd be surprised at how unshakeable you can be IF you know your history. Your history is not buried deep. It's in books, magazines, in libraries, online, etc. After I posted the two essays containing all of the pics of IR-married bw from the 1950s (and I didn't even post all of the pics Lorraine sent me), I got quite a few emails from bw thanking me and they all said, "I had no idea" that bw were openly marrying wm in the 1950s or that JET magazine would even publish stories about them.

Yep, that is kinda, sorta remarkable because I don't know of a single black publication TODAY that would do a whole spread on black women who are married to white men. They'd be too skeeeered. LOL!

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Item #2   REGARDING KOLA BOOF

A Reading/Discussion of Kola Boof's work on Feb. 5th at the Whitmore

Theate in Hollywood.

 

It is FREE admission with FREE Parking. Starts at 7 pm-9 pm

 

DETAILS:

 

THE WHITEMORE THEATRE
Hollywood, California

Friday, Feb. 5th at 7 P.M.

KOLA BOOF at "THE WHITMORE THEATRE"
in Hollywood Feb. 5th at 7 pm
11006 Magnolia Blvd. N.H. 91601

(Reading, speaking, singing...)

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ITEM: #3- C-A-L-L-I-N-G Everybody come on over and join in the stimulating, titillating IR Romance Book Discussion Club at  http://interracialbookclub.ning.com/  There's a time to be serious and then there's a time to play, so come on over and let's have fun. Hope to see you there!

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Item #4 Rich White businessman husband-to-be of black woman telling others to shove it when they start mouthing off about the black woman he's planning to marry. PLEASE stay tuned for this story. There are a bunch of pics that go with this story, so I'll stick them all in in the next essay and the story.

"Time to clear the air. _______________ [black wife's name] is a very capable entrepreneur who was her own boss when I met her and she still is. Her personality is magnetic and she can socialize with every strata of society and be comfortable anywhere. I enjoy her company immensely. We are going to be married and there will be no prenup. .  .  .
Having said that let us focus on the harm that is being done to this nation by those who are so filled with hate and jealousy that they use this forum to publish lies."

What is the world coming to when folks start trying to tell wm who are at the top of the pyramid who they should NOT marry. Obviously, folks will try it when a rich wm is planning to marry a bw.  Well, he did tell them where to go, and I'm happy to report that this couple DID get married and he and his black wife are LIVING WELL. And bw, let me tell ya, once you're living well, all of those flapping lips do NOT matter, and I can testify to that! LOL! Can I get a witness? LOL!!!!

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ITEM #5--PLEASE, PLEASE, do not forget to read Halima's current post exposing so-called Black nationalists and Pan-Africanist leaders  (yeah, right!) at the Black Women's IR Circle. And don't forget to circulate, circulate, circulate the info there. It will go a long way towards de-programming many bw. I promise you that.

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ITEM #6 Dear Evia Letter # 3 from ML--Please see note below about the Dear Evia Advice System (DEAS). I've already answered ML. If you want to receive the response I sent her, please read about this advice system below and contact me, and ask for DEAS #3 response.

Dear Evia,
 
I discovered your site a couple of months ago and I have to say I enjoy reading your articles. It's nice to find websites out there that not only up-lift black women but also encourage them to broaden their horizons and to not stick to the status quo.

I'm a young black-American woman who has spent a majority of my life growing up in the south, and I am writing because I have always been interested in non-black men. The thing is, I never worked up the courage to date them. Part of the issue is because of family and that I rarely get approached by non-black men (which can be frustrating). But really the reason is I feel it is "because I am a black woman," that a non-black man would never take interest in me.

And I know you spoke of this before on your site, but I'm just speaking from experience with some of the few (negative) interactions that I actually had with non-black men/males. The most recent was a couple of years ago with a wm. Even though I was generally interested in him, he told me the only reason he showed interest in me was because he wanted to see what it was like to be with a "black girl."

Now, I understand that not all wm/non black-men are like this, but after that it left me wondering whether or not a non black-man would ever see me as an individual or just a "sexual" conquest. But when I look back at that experience, I could have easily avoided that type of guy; I should have done my homework on him and paid closer attention to the red flags. So far, the only men I have dated have been black men due to the fact that's who I mostly get approached by. I don't have a problem dating black men, its just sometimes I think the only reason I do it is because its the "safe" option. Meaning its easier for me to date within my own ethnic group than having to deal with pressure from family and the community as a whole. But that all sounds like "settling" to me. And the last thing I want to do is "settle" in a relationship... I would just be unhappy. I'm still attracted to non-black men, but whenever I speak to my parents about my preference, they tell me it would be a lot better if I had a relationship with/married a black man basically because they do not want to see me get hurt or my spouse would not have an understanding of "black" culture etc. I do respect their opinions, but I have to disagree when they tell me that a black man is the "best" thing for me.

Since I have been back home, I have wanted to expand my dating options and come out of my shell. But I'm finding out that it is not so easy, especially here in the south. I guess what I am trying to say is as a black woman who is interested in IR dating/relationship, how should I approach a non-black man? Where does one go if they are interested in IR dating in the south? And also, how do you deal with the pressure from family/the "black community" to stick within your own ethnic group?
Thank you for taking time to read my letter, I hope to hear back from you soon.
 
Sincerely,
 

ML

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Dear Evia Advice System (DEAS)

This is how DEAS works. If you would like for me to advise you about any relationship issue and if I think your question may be relevant to the lives of other bw, write to me with "Dear Evia," in the subject line. I will post your question here, give it a number, and respond to it in an in-depth, common sense way for FREE, AS TIME PERMITS, (as I've done now for over 3 years here). The difference is that from now on, the response will be sent to you privately and for others, they must elect to buy it if they choose.

Get ready because the advice will be uncensored. LOL!  If others want access to the response, there will be a charge of $2.95 via Paypal which they can access by clicking on the tipjar in my upper left sidebar.  You can expect for your question to appear in a "Dear Evia" type book, so your question and my response will become copyrighted material.  If you do not want your question published in the book, DO NOT send it to me.

So, I thank you, in advance for your question because my response to it will undoubtedly help many other AA women and those in similar situations. Your questions will give me the opportunity to continue to teach what you actually want to learn and respond PRECISELY to what you need help with the most.

But as you know, I'm a strong believer in reciprocity. I will not do this any longer for FREE. You are giving of yourself by providing the question. I am giving of myself by responding, and others who pay for the response are giving by helping themselves and helping to make this system available and supporting this advice SYSTEM for bw in general.  THANK YOU in advance for donating to or otherwise supporting DEAS.

BFIM Gazette: Happy Anniversary to US! The Intertwining of Souls

This morning early, Darren got up in our darkened bedroom, and I heard him fooling around with electrical cords. I lay  there wondering why was he doing that at dawn? Well, a few minutes later, something started flashing from on top of the dresser. I pulled myself up to look at it and there it was! The digitized picture frame that I had been admiring at several stores sat on the dresser flashing pictures of me and Darren in scenes from our travels. The headline atop some of the pictures was HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Duh! My darling husband is always full of surprises. LOL! He laughed at me as I pulled my head from beneath the quilt and gawked at the frame. It's a beautiful gift and just what I've been wanting, but I hadn't been able to justify spending the money for it.

I never seem to remember the exact date of our anniversary. All I know is that it's in  early February. I could check the marriage certificate, but who cares about such exactness; the man I married is, of course, the most important part of all of this. The more time we spend together, the more our souls intertwine.

And that's what our union is all about: the union of souls--not "race," skin shade, hair texture or other superficial aspects of a person. I'm so drawn to the Bahai philosophy because their philosophy is (and the Bahai folks I know LIVE their creed) that there is 'unity in diversity' or 'oneness.' I wish that folks in other religions could catch a clue about that.

My gift to mon cher? Well,  I gave him a gift I'd been working on for several weeks: a luscious, 100% alpaca scarf in a divine cranberry tweed color that I knitted in a gorgeous cable design. I knew he'd love the color and the intricate textured cable design. He's wearing it now. He loves it when I make things for him.

I've had my share of challenges, but I choose to focus on the fact that I have been blessed to be on the receiving end of much good fortune in life and much of it comes via the quality men I have CHOSEN or ALLOW to surround me in this patriarchal world. And this includes my quality male relatives. This is why VETTING is so critical. VETTING is 80%. If you vet well--especially the men that you ALLOW into your social environment--you'll be walking on easy or easier street in much of the other aspects of your life--because these men will provide and protect. This is important because ALL women are born into a patriarchal world, and a woman's position in a community, society, world, etc. is closely aligned with the men in her surroundings. Many of you wonder why certain women in the world seem to be on a pedestal and adored by all. Well, it's because of their men. Some of you wonder why some women seem to be in the dumps in the world? Well, it's because of their men or the men they allow into their social, emotional, and mental sphere.

If you vet well, and align yourself with ONLY men of quality, I promise you that you will change your life and the lives of your children (if there are any) for the better now, and for generations to come.

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And with that said, I WILL get back to more lighthearted topics here about MY life and the life I have with my loving partner. That's what my blog was originally about--before I began to discuss many of the problems that other bw are having finding or not finding their "Mr. Right." I know that many of you just won't accept this but the ONLY reason why you continue to have problems with men is because you CHOOSE to have problems with these men by choosing men who are chin-hairline deep in problems or limitations. Many of you then try to pretend that the man doesn't have a problem or only a tiny one.  LOL! I KNOW you don't think it's that simple, BUT it is. I never had and still don't have problems with men because I don't CHOOSE to have those problems. Always remember the subtitle of my BOOK 2:" YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON YOUR CHOICES."

Say  "NO," absolutely "NO" and Hell "NO" to problem men, and you will NOT have those issues in your life.

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And in case, you haven't read my post beneath this one, Please do so. LOL!

Moving On: Karyn Folan's Book, Bw Must SHOW Support & Re-position Themselves

AGAIN--here is the VIDEO re Karyn Folan's book: "Don't Bring Home a White Boy and Other Notions that Keep Black Women from Dating Out."  Karyn's book will be released by Simon and Schuster in February 2010. Please make it a MUST to buy this book and help to get the word out about it. (I'll be sticking this video about the book here several times.)

It's not enough to just "talk" about bw dating/marrying white men and other non-bm. No, it's not nearly enough to just be in the "AMEN" corner about this issue; you must DO something. It does no good for BWE/BWIR writers to write books, if you're not buying them AND circulating the word to others that you know about these books.

It won't help if BWE/BWIR playwrights write plays or screenplays and even get movies produced IF you don't make it a point to support what they do. SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT. This usually means you must spend $$$$$$$$, but you spend money buying products from others who aren't doing anything for you, so I, for one, expect you to support those of us who are trying to lift YOU up. That's RECIPROCITY. It's money that moves the machinery of production and distribution in a capitalist system. If you're not willing to spend the money, then who else do YOU think is going to spend the money to support what we produce? I TOTALLY appreciate those who have supported me, so far, but many more of you need to be supportive of all of us--not just the minority of you.

Whereas Steve Harvey's book is gobbled up by various promoters and many bw have spent $$$$$$$$ to get his book, most thinking people know, just like I know, that his book is NOT going to cause even the tiniest of ripple of noticeable change in the social landscape for typical AA women and similarly situated bw AT ALL. Karyn Folan's book WILL change the social landscape for MANY of those bw who desire marriage and family to a quality man because she examines and rips to shreds all of those LIES, those notions that prevent bw from broadening their dating pool, of including the LARGEST group of men in this country--WHITE MEN--in their pool as prospective marriage partners.

Let me repeat: White men are the LARGEST group of eligible and marriageable men in this country for a bw or for ANY woman in this country--simply because they are the most, numerically, by far. Any American woman who does not seriously include white men in her marriage pool these days is setting herself up for failure in the marriage realm to a quality partner. She may not fail, but the probability is substantially higher. Whatever you do, please stress the importance of vetting men to younger bw, but INSIST that younger bw POSITION THEMSELVES at younger ages to broaden their dating pool in order to include non-AA men, just as young AA men are doing. The typical black teen girl needs to know that she has MANY options in men and in life BEFORE she messes up her life by making herself the private and often, experimental playground for DaShawn to play with and use as a semen dump. After all, many of the DaShawns are making it clear that they're not planning to get married. These males are  saying outright that 'marriage is for white people,' so I don't know why bw don't believe them.

And speaking of black men and marriage, Halima over at Black Women's IR Circle has a post up that is REQUIRED  reading for every bw. If you don't read anything else this year, please read that. Don't just read it; please circulate that info. Other bw need to know about how they've been played and are being played. Some of you will be just be way shocked. That post  will show you once again how bw are duped by bm and have been getting duped for a LONG time. And if you have other names and pics to add to her list, please send them to her. Please do the research first and make sure that what you give her is factual.

There are a LOT of quality loving, loveable wm and other non-AA men who ARE interested in developing relationships that may lead to marriage with segments of bw. No, most of them are NOT interested in dating a down and out bw, but guess what, the vast majority of AA men aren't EITHER.

AA women are not going to make leaps and bounds in their social progress in this country until the THINKING of bw changes towards promoting and protecting bw's (NOT bm's) interests 'first and foremost.' One sure way of doing this is by upwardly mobile bw making it her highest PRIORITY to  hitch their wagon to that of upwardly mobile men and seriously upwardly mobile men ONLY.  If this means that you must almost exclusively include quality, progressive minded wm in your pool of prospective marriage mates--as numerous, typical Asian American women do, and Hispanic women do, then this is what YOU, as a bw, must do. Yep, a very large percentage of Hispanic women of ALSO marry wm. (I received stats on that recently.)

And bw, you must do this in a REALISTIC manner. Also, many of you need to  change the way in which you assess non-AA men. You must NOT expect him to behave like the swaggering type of AA man, and from I often see, you shouldn't even WANT that. No way!

Also, keep in mind that you never know when you're actually meeting your husband-to-be, and you can only have ONE husband at any one time.  When I first met my ex husband AND when I first met Darren, it would have been almost impossible to get me to believe that I'd be married to either of them later. LOL! I've alway been the type of woman who is receptive to a man who is respectful, but I had no idea I was meeting men who I'd eventually love and marry when I first met them. 

And contrary to the LIES that many black people especially will try to get you to believe, many wm are NOT just seeking white-skinned, straight haired women. Duh! And I should know this because I'm definitely NOT white-skinned with straight hair, and when I was dating, there were more than enough wm and others (aside from Asian men) who were interested in me. But I never thought that I was unattractive, as some of you do.  Some of y'all only believe that because of the way that BLACK people (mainly) or those people y'all call YOUR people (not mine) have downgraded your looks and desirability. Since I got the heck away from poisonous AAs at a relatively young age, they never got the chance to seal that poison in me.

Most intelligent, mature-minded men are seeking a GOOD (not perfect) woman. Full stop. Also, ALL men are seeking *****winnable***** women. And, it doesn't matter what stereotype you may have about a person or what they may think about you initially, that will change in a typical person who doesn't have deep-seated issues, once you get to know them and after they get to know you better. Just keep being the friendly, quality woman that you are, and if he's not interested, it's his loss.

Here's the Key and I'm just talking to SOME of you when I say this because some of you already know this. MOST men are NOT going to spend time and energy showing interest in or pursuing women who don't seem to be winnable or those who're ducking and dodging and acting odd around them. Just like typical AA men behave in a friendly, interested manner towards ww, take a page from their book and be the same around wm.

It's AA women who have positioned themselves as the most un-winnable women in this country for wm and lots of y'all have sent the message to the entire world that you are ONLY available to be won by a bm. It's way past time for those bw who are equal opportunity daters to separate themselves from those bw who are only available to bm. Those bw usually do NOT want non-bm to know that you're interested in dating out. So, they're usually very vocal about telling wm that bw only want bm.

Smh.  Y'all have done yourselves a lot of damage by ALLOWING that type of bw to speak for all of you. And now, that many bm see that some of you have set yourselves up as their private property, they're using y'all and tossing you away like wet toilet paper. It's very common to hear a bm say, "It's easy to get a different bw every day of the week." SMH 

And since someone had written to ask me what the acronym "DBR" stands for, bm like that remind me exactly of what that means: DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR.

Bw have got to send the message to ALL men that if he's a quality man and approaches you in the right manner,  you're interested in at least chatting with him to see what may develop. It doesn't hurt to chat with any man who appears to be of quality and who approaches you respectfully because you never know when you're meeting a good contact, friend, or your husband-to-be.

BFIM Gazette: TV Clips (Bw-Am) and Pics (Bw-Wm)

While I'm working on those podcasts--if I ever get around to finishing them--LOL!--I'll post some pics and clips here at the Gazette.

Thanks, Felicia for the pic of this American family featuring a Black- American mother and an Irish-English dad. And yes, from reading about this family, the sons are quite successful since they come from a family where BOTH parents were involved and committed to shaping them to be successful, productive adults. From reading about this family, two of these sons are already married and have children.

This is why I, too, made it a point to not only choose a loving and loveable man for a mate and father for my children, but one who had a very high probability of involving and investing himself totally and completely emotionally and in every other way in his children. Some men can do this and others CANNOT or there's a very low probability of them doing it. DUH! For me, it was never difficult to figure out who this type of man IS and who he is NOT.

Bw, stop fooling yourselves. You DO know that a lot of the men/males you're encountering are NOT WORTH DIDDLY. IF you want to gamble, go to the casino. Do NOT gamble with your children's lives!!

And thanks CG for these clips of Gabrielle Union and John Cho from the TV series "FLASH FORWARD." She's not only beautiful, but she's a very talented actress. The character that John Cho plays is also my type of guy--perceptive, tender, caring, introspective, etc. Not only is he a virile hunk, but he's my type of hunk--on the lean side.  I've never been attracted to big, hulky guys. Although my ex-husband was over 6 feet and an Alpha man, I didn't hold his size against him because he had those inner qualities. Plus he is super brainy and that combo makes my head spin. LOL! Darren is my preferred type--tender, perceptive, virile, and he's also super-brainy. Umph-umph-umph! 

BFIM Gazette: BW-WM Marriages are Nothing New Part 2--from JET Magazine & Some Bw PREFER Wm

Shelli Guyse and Husband (on JET Cover, 2/21/52)

I tell ya--looking at the these pages from JET Magazine from the 1950s indicates that in terms of BW-WM marriages or even bw and wm openly loving each other as boyfriend-girlfriends, bw and wm have gone WAY backwards instead of forward. How could these AA women in the 1950s feel so free to  OPENLY love and marry wm when SOME bw in 2010 are still ducking, dodging, and acting strange around wm??????

 Y'all can argue with my answer to this question all you want and I still won't budge, but this backwards movement is due to the overwhelming number of bw who bought into the Black Man Loyalty hoopla of the 1960-1970s combined with the present day campaign directed at AA women (MAINLY) to move like lambs to the slaughter to embrace this notion of "black love." It's a double whammy.  IMO, "black love" is just the new and improved cage for AA women.

 Who exactly are bw supposed to love inside the cage because there is nothing caging bm to keep them in there for all of that "black love." So we have all of these nothing-but-a-bm women inside the cage, hating on each other, and willing to tear each other to pieces over any crumb of a bm who happens to fall in there. And y'all know I'm NOT lying. Whew! This stuff is just SURREAL.

SMH Bm really sold bw a bag of hooey, but I can't keep blaming only the men. WHY DO so many AA Women KEEP FALLING FOR THE SAME LIE WITH A NEW NAME??? 

Many AA women and their daughters are sadly still bogged down in that loyalty bag and being used, while the typical bm is an equal opportunity dater and is busy stepping over bw in search of a  lighter/whiter woman, but not before he reminds bw of how undesirable they are.

I have to point out here that most of my life, I've been in the equal opportunity dating camp, which means that I was willing to date and/or marry any QUALITY, loving, loveable, compatible man who I loved, who TREATED me like he loved me, and who asked me to marry him.

  HOWEVER, as quiet as it is kept, there are plenty of other bw who PREFER wm and have always preferred them. So the simple solution would be for those bw to be with the type of men of their preference. Right? Oh NO--the "black" police is always on patrol, ready to try to do serious emotional damage to a bw who says she prefers wm or acts on that preference. Whereas, if a bm says that he only likes the light/white women, he gets a high five MOST of the time or nothing is said to him. Check it out.

Then, there is a portion of bw who prefer bm.  And the simple solution would be for these bw to be with the type of men of their preference. Right?

But what do these preferences of bw tell you?  It ought to make you realize that ALL AA women ARE NOT the SAME. We are not clones. WE don't ALL want a BM or a WM. We are INDIVIDUALS. Wm are more appealing to many bw out there for a variety of reasons, as are bm. Any AA woman is FREE to prefer to be with whomever she wants and I will support her to the hilt in her preference. That's a key part of what BLACK WOMEN'S EMPOWERMENT is a about--the FREEDOM to choose and if you don't feel free to choose your mate, wherever you are right now and of whatever race, gender, or nationality you are, YOU ARE NOT FREE.  You don't even have the most basic freedom.

Alberta and Ernest Briggs  (Detroit Millionaire Heir) JET, 5/28/1953

Those bw who are equal opportunity daters (EOD) are not having  nearly as much of a problem getting attention from quality men and marrying quality men as the others because it's obvious that if you are receptive to MOST men in the global village, you will find many more men who are interested in you--that is, IF those  EOD bw make it a point to position themselves to meet non-bm.

Royce Wallace (Singer) and Alexander Outerbridge (Wealthy Socialite) JET 2/9/1956

I have to keep reminding the nothing-but-a-bm group as well as the bw who are EODs about that  NEWSWEEK Magazine piece that says 14% of AA men who are married are married to non-black women compared to 4% of AA women who are married to non-black men. And only 35% of AA men are married. That means 65% of them are not married to anyone. Since you include AA men in your dating/marriage pool, that's critical information to both groups of you. LOTS of bw WANT to get married. There is nothing in it for a woman to just be a semen dump for a string of different men unless she's a hooker. Practically any woman of any age and any kind of looks can get sex just about any time of the day or night--if all she wants is sex. Also remember that this is a marriage oriented site, so if you're not interested in marriage, I wonder why you're even reading this.

Here's Marlon Brando (Actor) and Barbara Roberts. JET 8/18/1955

WW and other non-bw are NOT kidnapping these bm and forcing them into marriage. However, it's gotten to the point that some bm are now claiming that their white girlfriends and wives are not white. SMH  The reason they do this is to that they can have the light/white woman and still drain what they can from a "sistah." AA men really think AA women are dumb! They wouldn't even try this if they didn't.

Notice the large number of AA men online who are involved in this bogus campaign, claiming now that Kim Kardasian, girlfriend of football player, Reggie Bush is not "white." And then, there are those who claim that her  white sister who is also married to a black ballplayer is not white either. These women are of Armenian background.  Obviously, these women are "white." The whites I've checked with have said that these women are as white as any other white person and ONLY whites can define who is white or black. That's a white privilege. Blacks are not allowed to decide that. 

 But bw, get ready. Pretty soon, AA men will begin to call blonde, blue-eyed women "black" and to those people who think that won't happen, think again. After all, Carol Channing (a blonde, brown-eyed Broadway star for decades) revealed that her father was a black man.

"White" is a construct; therefore it can change easily.There are already plenty of dark immigrants who are labelled as white sometimes and non white at other times, whenever it's beneficial. But here's the real test, bw. Let Halle start dating the Kardasian women's brother, if they had one and see how quickly bm will accuse her of overlooking a 'brotha' for a "white" boy. LOL!

Anyway, I feel that bm AND bw should be left alone to be with whomever they choose. Not just bm, but ALSO bw and when I see this occurring, I will gladly rest my case.

( Below Right) Pearl Bailey (Legendary Blues Singer) and Louis Bellson (Master Drummer), JET 1/15/1953

Anyway,  let me repeat to the wm who wonder why bw won't pay attention to you, I meet so many bw who do NOT believe that wm find them attractive because they've swallowed the lies that bm and the bc drilled into them about their non-desirability to men, and about how 'wm wantcha ONLY for sex.' But I will never believe that wm are any less interested in bw than they ever were because biology is biology.I know some of y'all wish that you could go back to the 1950s when some bw obviously welcomed your respectful interest and attention.

(Above) Joan Allen Simmons and Roger Franklin, British Physicist. JET 1/16/1953

And these pages from JET magazine prove that SOME wm have defied all of the social constraints and laws to marry bw. This is why it's so important to document or RECORD history--as I'm doing with my essays. Some people would never believe this if we didn't have the documented proof. THANK YOU, LORRAINE  for these documents. I really think you need a site that is dedicated to  just compiling all of this critical history. And if you're too busy to do that after digging out the info, then there should be other bw volunteering to do it. All of this work shouldn't be on just a couple of us when so many other bw are benefiting. They're being informed and uplifted by this info, so they should be helping to keep it out here to further uplift themselves and other AA women. We actually just need a site to house African American women's history and achievements.

Anyway, I KNOW for the most part that a large portion of ALL men are interested in ALL women because human males are mammals just like all other mammals.  Also mature women know that SOME men of ALL groups just 'wantcha for sex.'

Ione Dugger and William Vargus, JET 4/15/1954

Bw are so bamboozled by all of the "black love" and 'loyalty to bm' nonsense until these days, MANY bw are still afraid to say out loud that certain wm turn them on. Y'all can deny that or pretend that you'd say that around some of your black girlfriends, but MOST of you won't since you fear the "black" police (sometimes called the "soul patrol.")  You know it and I know it. And I have never met a bw who would say that they prefer wm around ANY bm--not even a bm who's sitting there with a blonde on each side or one who knowingly dates mostly non-bw, whereas many bm don't hesitate to say that they prefer light/white women around bw. Too many AA women are like timid mice around these "black" police/soul patrol characters. These "police" have NO POWER aside from what YOU give them to exercise control over your life.

I hate to say this to y'all bw, but a lot of you are getting what you deserve. You don't DEMAND respect from AA men. You don't. I see this. These males have NO POWER, aside from what you give them. You're allowing a POWERLESS group of defeatist-minded loudmouths to control the most important aspect of your life.

Anyway, I'll start posting some podcasts in the next few days. I'll continue posting pics, notes, and commentary in some cases but my podcasts with be the main entree in most cases this year.

MOVING ON: 2 Love Stories re Wm-Bw Couples in Haiti, CONGRATS Mimi and Nick! & Positioning and Timing are Key

Thank you SS for this combo love story, timely article, and video about a wm doctor and his love for a Haitian woman--and how they're bringing relief to those in Haiti. It just goes to show that the possibility for sublime love is around a typical bw at all times. However, she must have an attitude of expectation, readiness to embrace the possibility, and be convinced that she DESERVES to be loved, cherished, and adored by a quality man. I want each of you AA women, in particular, to ask yourself: Are you ready to be loved, cherished, and adored by a quality man? Think about it for awhile before you answer that question.

By John Lantigua

Palm Beach Post Staff Writer PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti —

This is a love story. Between two people and between that couple and a country. It begins in 1992. After finishing college, Dan Kairys had a couple of notions in his head. The first was that he wanted to go to Haiti and the second was an inkling that he might one day become a doctor. So he traveled to this, the poorest nation in the hemisphere.

He volunteered at a hospital, doing the dirty work an orderly would do. He then returned to his home state of New Hampshire and entered Dartmouth Medical School. In 1995, during his third year of studies, he took advantage of an agreement between Dartmouth and the University of Miami to be dispatched to Haiti with a project called Medishare. He spent two weeks there, ministering to the sick and injured and his feelings for Haiti deepened. "I loved it," says Dan, 41, "but that was really true from the first time I went."

The administrative assistant for Medishare, who arranged Dan's travel details, was a beautiful young Haitian woman named Junia. They met only briefly, but before leaving Miami for Haiti he left her a note, written in the Creole language of Haiti, asking if he could see her when he passed through again. "He fell in love with Haiti and then he fell in love with Junia," says Dr. Art Fournier, one of the founders of Medishare and Dan's mentor during that visit.

Today, Dan is a surgeon at the new Lakeside Medical Center in Belle Glade. Junia is a certified physician's assistant, although right now she is caring for their three young children — 6, 3, and 13 months — plus a 17-year-old boy they inherited when Junia's older sister died.. . . . When the 7.0 earthquake hit at 4:57 p.m. Jan. 12, they looked at each other and knew what they had to do.

Please read the rest of this article re a man's love for a woman and a country here:

http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/belle-glade-doctor-who-met-wife-in-haiti-184522.html 

_______________________________

AND here's a second Haitian story re a wm-bw couple sent by Felicia telling how the earthquake tragedy in Haiti ironically resulted in togetherness at last for an American wm and his Haitian wife. It goes to show how a man who knows his role and who cherishes his woman will continue to try to be with her. He was there with her going through VISA hell when the earthquake struck. This American man could have just decided to forget about his Haitian wife and left her there. He didn't have to keep trying to get her here. She wouldn't have been able to do anything to him.  He could have found another woman in this country and that would have been the end of that. But he continued to try to get her here to be with him--because he was her husband, her man.

BW, this is an example of a QUALITY man--a stand-up man--a man who will keep on keeping on for you. If you can find a man like this--no matter what anybody says--you have been BLESSED! Thank you, Felicia for sending this video because it provided me with a great teachable moment and will hopefully drive the point home that AA women must VET, VET, VET men and NEVER settle for less than a quality man because a Quality man is worth WAY more than his weight in gold. Among other assets, he  brings dependability/reliability to the woman's table and she KNOWS she can count on him. Just imagine the amount of stress that takes out of a woman's life when she KNOWS that she can count on her man. Bw, when a quality man is in your life, YOU and YOUR children will reap countless, continuous rewards!

 

And here's a link to a second video with more clips about this couple's experience in the midst of the quake and their escape:

http://www.king5.com/news/local/Western-Washington--man-and-wife-now-home-after-surviving-Haiti-quake-81991672.html

Thank you for this second link ES and I'm LOL @ your question & comment:

"I wonder why this woman doesn't feel pressure to save 'alla her people'? She got her visa and got the heck out!"

She obviously doesn't consider herself to be a mule. I actually know some AA women who would totally and completely refuse to leave.  As long as anybody is trapped, they would figure they're supposed to stay there and help.

_____________________________________________

This story illustrates why I continue to say that "The choice of a mate is the single most important decision that any woman makes in her life, especially if there are to be children. If she chooses wisely, she and the children will reap many rewards, but if she chooses poorly, she has paved the way for her and her children to suffer--for generations!"  This is the inscription in all of my books because if AA women remember just ONE thing that I've said, I want them to remember THIS.

_____________________________________________

CONGRATULATIONS Mimi and Nick on your ENGAGEMENT!

 Here's a note (below) I received a few days ago and I'll stick in a few pics of this couple that were sent with the note. BTW, bw, this couple met online. I hope that many of you have checked out the BlackfemaleInterracial site in my sidebar. If you click on it, it will lead you to the database of InterracialMatch.com (where they met) or you can fill out the box (also in the sidebar).

Be sure to check out these sites and other online dating sites. There are just tons of guys on these sites who are hoping and waiting to meet you. Of course, you must always use common sense when you encounter new people of any type, ANYWHERE, and vet, vet, vet.  But as you read Mimi's note, you'll see this is how she met her man.

Many bw-wm couples have met this way. Online sites are BIG business these days, as you know,  so there are a LOT of people of all groups who are meeting in that way. Anyway, here's a note from the soon-to-be bride and a few pics scattered throughout.

Greetings!
 
My name is Mimi. I am a 28 year old college instructor of English. I am currently pursuing my doctorate degree in International Education. I have been meaning to write you for some time to just laud your website and how it empowers women in color and the feminine spirit in general. I have been a "cyber lurker" of yours for about 2-3 years now. Your site is a great avenue and reference for women who defy societal norms and the ridiculous standards it seems to have set.
 
I have dated interracially all of my life. I love all flavors of men - from the olive Greeks, the pasty Euros, the orange Hispanics, to the tight-faced Italian and beyond. I fall short of the dating globe because I never dated an Asian or a true Native American. I have no regrets because it is your fault (in the best way possible) that I am off the dating market. You see, it was your site that led me to my now fiance.
 
This past July, I decided I would give online dating a try since that was the only way I seemed to meet white males outside of the fruit and vegetable aisle in the local market here in town. As I was perusing your site, I noticed an ad in the left-hand corner for "Interracialmatch.com." So, I joined, put up my profile and stated specifically what I wanted: a 6'0 and above, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, well-educated (Master's degree and beyond), 0-1 child, athletic, honest, romantic, and witty man. High standards, yes, I know, but the apple does not fall far from the tree. About a month later, I met the man of my dreams who was nothing like the guy I envisioned, but he was everything I needed and could ever want in a man. Nicholas reviewed my profile but never contacted. Later I found out it was because he felt I was "out of his league." He felt I was too beautiful, too smart, and too independent for a guy of his caliber as he was the opposite of the man I depicted in my profile. I initiated contact by e-mailing him and the rest is history. We sparked an instant connection and I fell in love with his character and beautiful eyes. We met online on July 15, 2009 and in person on September 5, 2009. We are madly and wildly in love and we owe that all to you. His name is Nick W_____ and he is a Chief____ in the U.S. Navy and will be on his 4th deployment soon. I will support him all the way as he serves our country. He is my best friend, the music of my heart, and the wind beneath my wings.
 
So, yes, because of you, I found my soul mate and I am so elated. He surprised me with a proposal on my 28th birthday (January 2, 2010) at "The Cheesecake Factory" in Atlanta, GA. I excitedly said, "Yes!" Thank you for your site; it led me to my future husband.
 

I am enclosing pictures of the proposal and pictures of us sharing our love! Feel free to use my story, my words, and pictures to spread the uniting of another couple who knows love has no color nor bounds. I will also e-mail you our engagement pictures which we are set to take next month. Until then, be blessed!

Mimi

Mimi, I'm SO happy for you and your guy! I can remember when I was a young girl--maybe 8, my cousin and I also made a list of the criteria that the man we would marry one day "HAD to have."  The most important item on both of our lists was that  the man's last name had to  start with the letter "M." That was just critical to both of us. LOL!!!

It just goes to show how clueless we all are at times in our lives--before reality kicks in. Actually, I did marry a man whose name starts with M. but by the time I met him, I was mature enough such that it wouldn't have mattered what his last name was. It's really amazing how rigid some women  and men are about their "must have"criteria and sometimes some of the criteria is SO superficial and so unimportant in the long run. Of course, we should all have (standards) or our criteria with our must-haves, but in both cases--with my current husband and with my ex-husband--I got  a lot more than my must-haves, meaning that I got  things that I could have never thought to put on my list in the first place. So, if I'd rigidly stuck to my list, I would have cheated myself across the board. Hope you have a very similar experience with your guy!! May he safely return to you and  you two join together in wedded bliss!

___________________________________________________--

Essay Begins--

I went to a Dr. King Birthday celebration program recently and listened to an AA woman speaker who alluded to the phenomenon of AAs  (men and women) mating and marrying out and her distaste for it. SMH. This was NOT what Dr. King stood for, which was--judging INDIVIDUALS based on 'the content of their CHARACTER."

So many AAs are fixated on who other AAs are spending their time with, but they often don't have anything to say about the roughly 65% of AA men who are NOT marrying ANY woman. Most importantly, they're not marrying the mothers of their children and it is well documented that they aren't providing for their children (emotionally/financially). Lots of AA men and women ARE spending time with each other--in the wrong way in all too many cases.

I sat there thinking that this woman would obviously want me to be in the "black love" camp.  She would undoubtedly be happy if I'd walked up to her and  told her I'd fallen in love with a  bm and it wouldn't even matter to her whether he was a bm who already had children that he hadn't seen in years. She would have found a way to excuse that. LOL! I sat there thinking that if a man doesn't love and do his utmost to provide for and protect his defenseless children, then how can a woman ever trust such a man to love her and stick by her??????????  Why would any "community" encourage women to even think about regarding a man like that as worthy of her time. However, I know the drill in the AA "community." I believe this black "race woman" would have told me to "give him a chance" because he's a bm. SMH

So the subtext of her speech was "black love."Anyway, it didn't make sense to me for her to present something as seemingly so readily available when she, herself,  hasn't been able to find it in her  2 decades of searching for it. Also, another thought occurred to me. It would seem to me that some AA "black love" women would be THRILLED that some of us are out of the competition for "black love" from the AA men who might be interested in one of them.

I've often wondered in the last few years why it is that so many AAs get furious to the max at other AAs who decide to love, mate, and marry non-AAs. Many AAs just need to grow and evolve around this issue.  I've often advised AA women to help AA men to pack and wish them well if/when these males/men indicate that they prefer to be with non-black women, and I would hope that AA men would do the same for those of us AA women who have "escaped" (as one bm accused me of doing--LOL!) or  those other AA women who seek to "escape." I've campaigned continuously against AA women showing any degree of animosity towards the non-black women who AA males pursue or prefer.  Regardless, I've never understood why any woman would be interested in a man who prefers to be with another woman.

You will actually be much happier, more successful, and more at peace in your life if you just wish others happiness and focus on achieving as much fulfillment and contentment in YOUR life as possible. Anything else is likely to cause you to be eternally angry, stressed, and bitter and we know now that there is a direct link between stress and  illness.

And bw, on the subject of stress, let me just mention the recent magazine cover that  caused such conniption fits among SOME sectors of AA women. The owners of that magazine know how you think because you're PREDICTABLE. Any time you're so predictable, others can easily play you, manipulate you. That cover was a calculated blow to your spirit. They knew you'd be screaming. Your screams will sell many more magazines for them than they could ever have hoped to sell otherwise. The economy is bad and companies want to sell their products. If you can easily be used as a means to pump up their bottom line, they're not going to hesitate. Remember that many businesses, even in a robust economy, only have a small profit margin. In today's economy, most businesses are hanging on by a thin thread and gasping for breath. It's relatively easy to bring a business that is dependent on mainly YOU, low since YOU, bw, are the majority subscribers, purchasers, and viewers of that magazine.

Unwisely, many AAs think that certain black owned or formerly black owned businesses ought to be socially conscious and not make business decisions to harm blacks in any way. This is naive thinking. The prime directive of a business is to remain in business and as an AA woman, YOUR prime directive ought to be to promote and protect your interests 'first and foremost.'  That's YOUR business. So if any business's prime directive clashes with your prime directive, you must instantly CLOSE YOUR PURSE because that business has competitors who you can spend your money with. Trust me, that competitor would love for you to spend your money with them and will help you to deliver a death blow to that magazine or any other business that insults you. 

So there was a lot of negative publicity about that cover, which is what the owners were banking on. Remember that negative publicity is STILL publicity.  Often, it's the BEST publicity because lots of people don't pay much attention to positive news. Therefore, the magazine has SUCCEEDED with its tactic, thanks to some of y'all.

Please learn from this. Don't allow vile tactics like that to manipulate you because when you allow them to get that reaction from you, you can count on other magazines and such doing exactly the same thing.   You have the power to control who that magazine puts on its cover and even what it says between the covers.  All you need to do is "Keep your Purse CLOSED when you don't  like the cover or the contents and spread the word. The real question is: Do you have the WILL to keep your purse closed? You cannot afford to be loyal and softhearted towards anything or anyone who is not loyal and/or softhearted towards you. Or is VENTING enough to get it all out of your system, which is what that magazine and similar businesses are counting on.

If you are an AA woman who can spend your money with businesses or people who have tried to bring you low, you are definitely NOT in my segment.  So I don't want to hear from you. I feel it's way past time for some of us to separate along segment lines. Too many AAs are absolutely dead weight on each other. You've got to cut the cord and let them go--so that you can fly.

  Keeping their purse closed is the FIRST thing that other groups do when they become insulted by a movie, a magazine article, etc. Remember that you can bring any system down if you don't support it, particularly when YOU are the MAIN target group that it DEPENDS on to feed it. You can bring down the most ferocious entity if you don't feed it. If YOU don't feed, defend, or support these various entitites that are attacking you, crushing your spirit, and peeing on you, they will cease to exist.That particular magazine depends mostly on YOU to feed it.  Apparently that magazine cover was meant to uplift the spirits of AA men, so if it were left up to me, AA men would have to feed it or it would now die a real quick death because I strongly believe in RECIPROCITY OR NOTHING! If a popular bm's magazine had put a pic of Halle and her man or Garcelle and her white husband on the cover, bm would have gone beserk, and the magazine would have most likely apologized because bm would have been able to keep their wallet closed and wouldn't have bought it and might never buy it again. I still can't believe how AA males howled and I read where some of them are STILL howling about Halle's erotic scenes with a wm in "Monster's Ball"--a MOVIE. LHM!

 Okay back to you meeting your guy--remember that the upwardly mobile woman of any group has various romantic options and many more of them these days, than she can take advantage of, IF she chooses to do so and IF she positions herself to do so.  The world is a global village these days and bw, trust me--typical heterosexual males don't care what language a woman speaks or where she's from; men of all nations are simply wired to want appealing women. "Appealing" is in the eye of the beholder. This thing called "race" is NEVER going to even come close to trumping biology.

  For ex., If I weren't married now and desired to meet a variety of quality, compatible males who might be interested in me, I would join at least a couple of online dating sites and I would also make it a point to vacation for a few weeks in the country where we vacation each summer. (And I'm already learning the language. LOL!  You could also be learning a new language. That's so broadening!)   I saw many men walking around alone there at the various public performances, and other events, and I saw how they were noticing the women--ALL women of all complexions and nationalities. I also saw many men with women of ALL complexions and nationalities, a fairly common sight.

AA women must NEVER forget that fundamental fact about biology, no matter what ANY naysayer may say. YOU are a desirable WOMAN to many, many men and many of those males are quality, compatible men. You need to drop your "black" armor. Is it serving you well?  Embrace your loving and loveable man (white or otherwise) and if anyone threatens to yank your "black" card, tell them they can have it and can shove it too.

The delay many of you are experiencing in meeting your Mr. Quality man is because you simply have not POSITIONED yourself to be found by enough of the right type of males. This is why most of you haven't been  found yet by the ONE or why you haven't met him. You don't need to have a bunch of men in any locale interested in you; you only need a few at any one time. From this point onward, you must make it a priority to position yourself to be found. Make it a priority to work on this a little each day. If you know anything about marketing, you know that timing and positioning are KEY. In terms of the timing, no time is better than now. In general,  however, young AA women must start much earlier in life looking for a mate (if they desire one) just like most women in other groups do.

You CAN get your education, develop your career, AND position yourself to be around higher quality, marriage-minded  men simultaneously. I know this. I operated with that in mind and I know other AA women who did that too. And I know young white and African women who are ACTIVELY doing that now--from age 22 and upward.The overwhelming majority of men and women in the world ARE marriage-minded. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Anyway, when you consider that 14% of the AA males who are married ARE married to nonblack women, (according to the recent NEWSWEEK magazine article), it's just too amazing that many of those same males, as well, as other AAs are FIXATED on the 4% of AA women (according to that same NEWSWEEK magazine article) who have married non-black men. What's so curious about that and also very telling about this fixation is why isn't that fixation on the AA  men outmarriage rate since these AA men date out, shack up and marry out at more than quadruple the rate of AA women (though the outmating/outmarrying rate for AA women is quickly increasing now.) I'm convinced that the actual figures of out-married AA males and females is quite a lot higher just based on who I see AA men with on any given day and the number of AA women who I encounter, hear of, or read about who're married to wm. I frequently meet AA women who have a sister, cousin, girlfriend, or maybe their girlfriend's stepsister, etc. who's married to a wm. If these AA women and men are not married to these other folks, they co-habitate with them (shack up) or exclusively date these others.

People need to go on with their lives, and the CRITICAL thing I'd advise AA women to ALWAYS be sure to do is to support, defend, and uplift ONLY those who support, defend, and uplift you. Please spread this message. STOP creating these monsters and monstrous situations!  The ONLY reason many AA women are experiencing the hardship that some of you are undergoing is because the bulk of AA women have supported, defended, uplifted, and invested in  people who don't give a blip about you--the same ones who now do all they can to crush your spirits and smear your image. Your investment has simply not paid off and it won't. You must diversify before you lose your all. YES, you still have time. MOVE ON.

In my next essay, I will continue with images and articles from the past showing that bw-wm marriages are nothing new.  And I, of course, have many other pics and videos of bw-wm couples that I haven't posted yet. Do me a favor?  If you are sending me pics that you've sent to other BW-IR bloggers, please let me know or don't send them to me.  I ask that because I don't get a chance to look at other sites often, so I don't know what they've posted. Many people who check out my site ALSO go to the other sites, so I don't see the point in posting what has already been posted.

 

Moving On: Karyn Folan--VIDEO, Another Wedding, Happy Holidays! Vetting-Relationship Assets

Here is the VIDEO re Karyn Folan's book: "Don't Bring Home a White Boy and Other Notions that Keep Black Women from Dating Out."  Karyn's book will be released by Simon and Schuster in February 2010. Please plan to buy this book and help to get the word out about it.

http://myrealwedding.theknot.com/photo/view/Aesha & Natale's Wedding. 

  

My Real Wedding from The Knot and The Nest.

Thanks, Steven for this link! For those of you who may not remember, Steven is a young wm who prefers WOC and wrote a few columns for the Ezine.  He's quite handsome and personable (I've seen him and talked with him.  He's actually a TV personality who some of you have seen.)

The young bw he was interested in when he initially wrote to me was very "skittish" in her behavior towards him. He asked me for advice because she did a lot of ducking, dodging, and acting strange around him.  He later told me at one point that he'd probably have to move on from her because he'd shown her he was interested by spending time with her, helping her in various ways because he liked being with her. LOL! He said she seemed to be overly concerned about how the other blacks in her environment would view a relationship with him.It would be interesting to know what her romantic life is like and what it will be like in the future. She's just a typical bw who's WAITING for permission from the bc to love and be loved by a non-AA man--permission that she'll never get. I certainly don't hear any AAs openly telling or encouraging an AA woman to go and be with or marry a loving and loveable wm and be his love. LOL! I'm not saying none of them do it, but if it's done, it's mainly done in whispers on the DL.

Even though 14% of AA men marry non-bw  (according to a recent NEWSWEEK magazine article) and a gazillion AA men cohabit with non-black women or exclusively date non-black women or are not available due to other reasons, the typical AA person doesn't think in terms of numbers. They think magically or  EMOTIONALLY that there are still ***plenty*** LOL! of  "good" bm available for all of us AA women (despite the fact that many AA women don't have anything in common with a typical bm or don't have any particular preference for or leaning towards a bm). People who actually believe that obviously do believe that 2+2 = 22 because it's a type of "emotional" arithmetic or magical thinking.

Also, the vast majority of these folks think that bw should not only choose an AA man FIRST, but to  them, he can virtually be "any" kind of AA man. ANY kind.   Sadly, this young woman has never been taught (because who is there around her who'd teach her?) that Quality is the #1 criteria and that skin shade is of minor, if any, importance.

So Steven, you did say to me that you'd begin looking in another ethnic group of WOC--since this wasn't the first time this has happened--for a woman who doesn't need to get permission to accept a loving man in her life. So maybe by now, you've found your 'Miss Right.' Hope so.

________________________________________

ENTRY:

First, let me Wish all of you a Safe, Wonderfully Fulfilling Holiday Season! 

Secondly, so many of you have asked me to write about the topic of VETTING men, so consider this essay re vetting to be my holiday gift to those of you. LOL! As usual, please do what I always advise: Take what you can use and trash the rest.

However this particular note from a commenter enabled me to segue right into the topic of vetting and highlights the value of getting timely advice that speaks specifically to your situation. I can easily advise those women who can understand my common sense language. I can't do beans for those women who don't understand my common sense views. Thankfully, there are other voices out there for them.


Hey Evia:
 
I wrote to you about a year ago about my dilemma regarding an uneducated, poverty struck black man who had a great personality and loved me to pieces.  Normally, I wouldn't have even entertained a conversation with a man of his caliber but because I had known him since childhood (we had a teenage love affair) and he was a dear family friend, my mind started to wonder towards the possibility of a fruitful union.  THANK GOD I wrote to you about the situation.  You and your readers let me have it.  I totally became grounded and shortly thereafter said goodbye to that love affair.  I've since started dating a very cute/nice Jewish guy who completes in PHD in Clinical Psychology in May 2010 (I'm an attorney).  Its still fairly early in the relationship, but I thought I'd share the good news of progress.  Although we don't share the same history as my previous suitor, I can actually see a future with this guy that doesn't include me lowering my standards in the name of love, or more accurately at times, the imitation thereof.
 
Keep preaching the good word, it surely has helped me and is helping me help others because AA women truly have been brainwashed and we have to deprogram ourselves and each other.
 
Thanks!

P.S.  I want to add that my previous suitor was, and still is, a great guy and didn't do anything wrong, now or then, but at the end of the day, I need to protect and preserve my present and future happiness and well being and entering a relationship where I would have to be the main or sole bread winner and stifle my social growth to accommodate my mate (i.e. not attending certain events or not socializing with certain people because he didn't fit in or feel comfortable) just didn't seem conducive to my happiness and well being.
____________________________________________


I'm happy to hear about you and your guy! Sounds like he's a keeper!  Yeah, I remember how everybody and their grandmama weighed in on your case. We said, 'she jes crazy.'  LOL!

And I'm happy that you said that you saw the good in your bm ex-boyfriend. He just wasn't suitable for you. He may be suitable for someone who is more like himself. I don't quite understand why some AA men who are at his station in life seem to feel that they are 'equally yoked' with a professional bw. Many AA men are apparently trying to practice hypergamy or to "marry up."  Hypergamy is the traditional behavior or standard operating procedure of ALL women throughout the world and has been for thousands of years.

So many AA males will claim that they're just looking for physically appealing women, but the fact is that there are good looking women on ALL socioeconomic levels. Why is it that so many of these males seem to gravitate towards higher strata bw and think they "deserve" y'all, and get furious at you when you reject them? I'm not saying your ex did this, but don't these AA males realize that hypergamy is what women do, NOT men. Men traditionally want women who bring less money than they do because the fact is that the person who brings in substantially more money is the one who has the most POWER. There are exceptions, but exceptions don't disprove rules. This is just how it is in a patriarchal world. So, when a man or a woman tries to be a man sometimes and a woman at other times, 'things fall apart.' Thanks, Chinua Achebe. LOL!  

I've begged AA women who have been pushed all too often into the role of major breadwinner to STOP using your money to pay the lion's share of the bills. Just do NOT do it!  MOST men won't really appreciate it if you do and will actually resent you on some level because he knows that more money = more power because you can use money to acquire more choices.  Choices often equates to power. If more money didn't equal more power and more choices, then people wouldn't even care much about getting more money. If you're a woman who makes substantially more money than your mate, I would advise you to chip in and pay some of the bills, IF you and he want that,  but don't pay the major portion of the bills, aside from special circumstances. It would be far, far better to adjust your standard of living to one where you both can chip in equally or where he can pay most of the bills. A typical man will get more respect from a woman this way than if he marries up and allows her to pay most of the bills--even if she insists on paying more. This may be why some bm do marry down and feel intimidated by women who make more money.

I've noted that this pattern of AA male hypergamy is a pattern these days among AAs. It doesn't happen in all cases, but there's a certain amount of predictability, so that means it's a pattern. I've also noted that when these males mate and marry non-bw, they tend to mate and marry "down," (hypogamy) but as I said, when they pursue a typical AA woman, they tend to want her to be loaded with education, good employment, childless, good looking, physically fit, congenial, willing to cook and clean AND willing to sex them any way they want when they want it. And even that doesn't mean they'll remain faithful. Many of them still pursue their "extracurricular" activities. Whew!

I've also noted that many AA men "claim" they don't care about a bw's education but you don't see them pursuing or engaging with bw who are high  school dropouts or barely skilled black women. NOT black women.

This is why I say to bw to stop falling for the same-ole okey doke! At least, make these men scramble and come up with a new game! LOL!

I don't think that some bm are DBR or straight up “bad.”  I think that some of them (like your ex) are just clueless and don't seem to know what to do because they haven't had adequate role models. Many of them are not even trying to learn what to do either. There is NOTHING stopping AA men from furthering their education or learning marketable skills or both or upgrading themselves in other ways. NOTHING. Aside from being clueless, the bulk of these males lack DRIVE and they accuse bw of being "too demanding" if the woman dares to says anything to them about these deficits.

So, the bottom line is still the same--when it comes to being mate and father material.  A clueless man and/or one who lacks DRIVE is not worth a woman's time, no matter how nice he is and no matter whether he loves her. That is, unless the woman has decided from the outset that she's going to be his meal ticket. It is her choice to be his meal ticket, but what happens is that so many AA women enter these relationships thinking that he is going to 'change' because he TOLD her he is going to change. LOL!  SMH

An AA woman, especially, cannot afford to be with a clueless man! Maybe some among other groups of women can afford a clueless man because there may be a safety net to catch them and their children from such unions, but it's obvious that an AA woman does not have that net in place.

 Another thing is that a lot of black folks try to make the case that a blue-collar bm is fine as a mate for a professional bw.  Yes, in a minority of cases, this may be true because SOME women with advanced or professional degrees have plain interests and some are really what I'll call "low-brow" in their social habits and interests. And some blue collar men are very much socially exposed, travel a lot, are comfortable in a variety of settings, and read widely.  So some couples like that are exceptions. I think that I'll try to write more or actually I'm planning podcasts about  more of the nuances of relationship suitability/compatibility. Many folks shy away from the topic because it sounds snobbish, but the fact is that, there is such a thing as "class" and class counts!

I’ve put off writing about VETTING because it’s a topic that can be both complex and simple, but mainly uncomfortable because I knew I would have to delve into the bugaboo issue of “class.”  I noticed a long time ago that whenever you try to talk to AAs about class differences between blacks, it infuriates them. I’ve never quite understood why because we all do come from a “class.” There have always been class distinctions in many societies and civilizations even though they may not use the term “class.”

I’ve pointed out here that I grew up in a rural, cash-poor, working class farm family that instilled middle class values and upwardly mobile sensibilities in me, which include delaying gratification, behaving with decorum at all times, especially in public, high value placed on education, strong work ethic, choosing a quality man for marriage and that I must marry before having children, handling money wisely, getting along with others (and if I can’t get along with them, then separate myself from them because uncouth behavior is not allowed), general decency and morality, husband and I must teach our children to behave well and be responsible members of the community, etc.

Insofar as being a female, I am naturally soft-spoken (and used to smile a lot before I moved to a large urban area where my smile was often interpreted as "come and get some" by typical negro men) but was taught to be demure with men and to avoid uncouth males/men and those who lack drive, purpose, and respect for women.  These are just some of the values and views from the “old-school” type upbringing that I received. (Keep in mind that all old-school thinking is not exactly the same; it can vary somewhat by region, time, class, etc.) There are a bunch of other values and views that were a part of my formative years, but you get the idea. I later came to realize that these values fall under what’s commonly known as “middle-class” values.

  I remember talking to my Nigerian ex-husband about the issue of class and he said he just assumed that all AAs were in the same class because all Nigerians are in the same class.  He pointed out that the values I mentioned above are the common ones that all Nigerians (rich and poor) are instilled with as a part of their general culture.  I saw his point. He said he thought all AA had these same values. He said that by default, that’s how a typical African (who’s raised in Africa) would view all AAs and expect for them to behave. He thought I was being divisive therefore by bringing up the issue of class differences.

I told him that via my background in ethnology (comparative cultures), I’d learned that most people in the world have these middle of the road “common” sense values and maybe this is why they’re called “MIDDLE-class” values.  I pointed out to him that all AAs are definitely not in the same class because many AAs are very different from other AAs in their VALUES, beliefs, behavior, attitudes, views regarding themselves and other AAs and regarding other people in the world.

I pointed out to him that whereas the vast majority of Nigerians are homogeneous when it comes to basic beliefs and values regarding marriage & family (the basic building block of any society or group or civilization), some segments of AAs think vastly different about just about every issue under the heading of family and etc. It shocked him when I pointed out that many AAs (men, in particular these days) don’t even see the point in getting married, for ex. but what really rendered him speechless was when I told him that many AA men don’t even see the connection between themselves and their children and that many of them don't behave with any obligation towards their children or get furious about being forced to financially support their own children! (Not saying that ALL AA men are deadbeat dads.)

My ex was not able to wrap his brain around that at all, because even the most downtrodden and even the most gentle, typical Nigerian man is often capable of doing serious harm to anyone who tries to separate him or break the bond between him and his children. (Not saying absolutely ALL Nigerian men are like this, so please don't write to tell me that you hunted and pecked around and found a Nigerian man who didn't support his children.)

As an aside, as an AA woman, I LOVED that about African culture and about African men because I knew that even if my relationship went south with a typical African guy, he, in all probability, would always safeguard any child(ren) that we had.

I’ve introduced the topic of vetting in this way because it is paramount to understand who you are, who he is,  what your backgrounds are, what each partner’s VALUES are, what each is bringing to the relationship table. RULE: Each of you must pretty much bring the same amount in terms of EQUIVALENT assets to the table. For best results, the man and woman don’t have to have the same assets, but they have to be Equivalent, Equivalent, Equivalent, as viewed by the partners--not necessarily by other people. There are exceptions to every rule, but this is a critical rule.  If each partner doesn’t bring approximately EQUIVALENT assets to the table, at some point one or the other of them is going to feel that s/he is being shortchanged. Resentment sets in and things go south.

For ex., I've heard people criticize Tiger Woods and OJ for choosing to marry a nanny and a waitress, respectively. Obviously, these men thought their blond wives were bringing equivalent assets (white and blondness) equal to the wealth and prominence the men brought to the table. Obviously, in both of these cases, one partner, at least, felt shortchanged and tried to make up the difference. Things went south.

Another very common example is when a younger woman trades her youth and beauty to an older man for his money and the security he provides, i.e. Rupert Murdoch and his much younger Asian wife, Larry King and his much younger wife, and Paul McCartney and his younger wife.

As long as both partners are satisfied with the trade, things are fine, but when one or both of them begins to feel that the other one didn't bring enough, there is a very real problem at hand.

This is why I advised you as I did.  From what you told me, I did not see where the guy you were seeing was bringing an equivalent amount of relationship assets to the table. I believe that many AA women “settle” for a man of the type you described  or try to talk themselves into "settling" (because I get a bunch of notes asking the SAME type of question you did), but later begin to feel shortchanged and that’s when things get ugly. At that point, they’ve usually had a child(ren) and the child becomes the victim when the parents split, and the woman is left struggling alone with the child(ren). This is a very common pattern.

 By relationship assets, I definitely don’t mean just money.  I mean TOTAL relationship assets.  But let’s be real about money. Money alone does NOT make a good relationship, but if a man doesn’t bring  enough money to the table, that can and does often kill a relationship.  By relationship assets in general, I’m talking about a man bringing things to the table that include but are not limited to: DRIVE (very, very important) character (morality, principles, self-control), marketable skills and/or education that PRODUCE ****enough**** money, common sense, good judgment, strong family-emphasis/values,  money sense, fair amount of relational skills (which include the ability to say “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong to .  .   .   .”), intellect, general survivability skills, capacity and desire to grow and develop, respectful, loving nature and displays it towards the woman, fatherhood desire and the emotional and financial preparation to meet the demands of fatherhood. IMO, these are necessities. I cannot see a woman like me—with MY values--being with a man who doesn’t at least bring these “relationship assets” to my table. IMO, this is what a woman (from my segment) should be primarily looking for.  If the man has the above and is good-looking with a buffed body, that’s the icing. However, I personally have never thought much about the icing. It just so happens that in both of my marriages, I definitely got the cake AND enough of the icing to satisfy me. LOL!

I’ve had people tell me that it’s "insane" and unrealistic for an AA woman to have criteria like mine and that I’m “LUCKY” to have found husbands like mine. I point out that there are plenty of men in the global village who easily meet and exceed my criteria and  I knew that some of those men would appreciate what I bring to the table. Therefore, it’s insane for a woman from my segment to settle for less than my criteria.

Surprise! Surprise! There are different SEGMENTS of AA women. LOL! Many people (even many AAs) think that ALL AA women are the same or almost the same. We are NOT. There are different segments of us because we’ve had very different backgrounds and experiences. That's mostly what causes people to be different.

My voice represents and/or resonates with ONE segment or "class" of us AA women and it’s a substantial segment. This is clear to me because I’ve heard from so many of you who hear and speak my language.  Many people, however, have difficulty understanding our language and accepting our existence because they’re influenced by the AA woman who they often view in the media. They’re thinking about either the “Mammy,” the “Sapphire,” or the “Jezebel” or a combo of one or more of those stereotypes of AA women from the ole plantation.   Sadly, these characters are still with us because I see AA women still acting like caricatures out of these stereotypes since they get their marching orders from the black and white media and other blacks who are lost. I wrote extensively in my essays about these stereotypes a couple of years ago. Suffice it to say that many people (even many AAs) do not believe that there are AA women like me, who even exist, and will accuse a bw with my values of trying to be "white." LOL! 

It's just a fact of AA life these days that  when an AA person acts "normal," we're accused of acting "white" by other AAs who I call the "acting black crew" (ABCs). These ABCs have no idea that THEY are the ones who are lost and are not acting "normal." LOL! However, even Africans are accused by the ABCs of not being black and acting "white." To a typical ABC person, they are the only "black" people on earth. They feel that the rest of us are imposters. LOL!!!!! So sad that they grabbed a label that's the opposite of "white" and wrapped themselves in it and are now behaving in a way that I'm sure makes white racists drool with joy.

A lot of "old school" black folks like me can hide in plain sight around other AAs because so few younger blacks, especially, are even aware that we exist--unless we let something slip. LOL!

So, you see, it might be insane for a Mammy, a Sapphire, or a Jezebel, to have my vetting criteria, but since there are plenty of us AA women who are neither of those, we are able to have criteria such as mine and meet men who meet the criteria with us being quite average women--if we don't limit ourselves. Women have married men from around the globe for thousands of years. This is nothing new. It's just new and scarey to some AAs because it's a fact that AAs travel less and mingle less outside their group than any other ethnic or racial group in this part of the world. That's just a fact. So it doesn't take much talk about mingling with or marrying whites or other non-AAs to get a typical AA upset because this is something fearful to them because it's outside of their experience or outside of what they think is "normal."

Let me briefly mention that I was talking with a bw friend of mine yesterday about this topic and she said that among another segment of AA women is the notion of just “getting a man” so that the woman won’t have to be alone. She pointed out that the criteria of these women is nothing like mine.

I’m not knocking that view because that obviously has come about for a reason, but I absolutely cannot relate to that view. That’s ANOTHER segment of AA women and there are, of course, other segments of AA women. However, my message is NOT aimed at that segment of women. That’s another language. I’m sure they have their reasons for thinking the way they do, just like I have my reasons for thinking the way I do, but I will never be able to relate to that viewpoint, and they may never be able to relate to mine. But at the end of the day, it's okay. As long as each segment is satisfied with the men they choose, then that's what matters because as long as you understand and accept that your choices have consequences, then you will realize that your choices determine the quality of your life.

Moving ON: BW-Sign up with Online Dating Sites! You Only Need ONE "Mr. Right," Marriage Announcement

***Please watch this Indie short film about a bw-am couple and VOTE for it ASAP!*** Let's SUPPORT!

__________________________

Bw, y'all really must sign up on one or more online dating sites. Right Now!  For ex. the online dating site in my sidebar (blackfemaleinterracial.com) is a PORTAL site through which you will be able to access potentially hundreds of thousands of others who are interested in interracial dating. All you need to meet is ONE "Mr. Right." I read sometimes where some bw bemoan that men on some dating sites are not swooning over them. In a way, this sounds like an "ego trip" desire. Think about that. You do NOT need to have thousands of men swooning over you because if you're like most of us, we can only deal with ONE serious swooner at a time. LOL!  Please stop taking everything personally. You've got to be goal oriented and be relentless about reaching your goal of having a high quality life. For many women, a Quality man is a component in a life of quality.

I've heard from many bw who've gotten wonderful results (love and marriage with a quality man) from taking a chance at love on one of these sites. (One such couple is featured in BOOK 2 of my series of books. If interested in reading about it, please CLICK HERE for BOOK 2.)

This particular bw was a "Nothing but a bm woman," who swore she would never "jump the fence" but met a wonderful diplomat husband and says now that she can relax and couldn't be happier.  Now what are the chances of meeting a man  of this type in a typical black neighborhood or black social circle?  ZILCH.

Essence Atkins, Actress and husband, Jaime Mendez,  who she met on Match.com  THANKS ML & X for this pic and info.

If you're at the marriage stage, you only need to meet a few men at any one time from whom you can choose just ONE Quality man and you need to have the time and focus to evaluate/vet him. Do NOT spend months and years in  any "dating marathon" relationship waiting for him to decide your fate, decide whether you're the one. He already knows that within a few months, (sometimes even a few weeks) and you should know too. Some women think that things are just supposed to "happen," meaning that if they're in a relationship with a man for a while, they think he's just supposed to ask her to marry him. LOL!  This does happen in some cases, of course, but I would never stake my future on someone else's whim.  As a woman, YOU must steer the relationship. YOU must set the pace. Do not allow a relationship to just wander any ole place.

You must subtly but directly let him know at the outset that you're in it for a long term relationship if all things work out, and that you're not the 'jump-off' type and be firm about that. You don't need to be loud to be firm. I'm softspoken, but anyone who knows me knows that I mean what I say. If he runs away at the hint of the M-Word, then Good Riddance!

Remember that when you're at the marriage stage, dating is not simply "just going out." The reason for dating is to get a chance to evaluate a man in a variety of circumstances, settings, people, etc. Dating or mingling with a man socially has a PURPOSE. Be purposeful when you're dating, or you are wasting your time and your youth because no one is getting any younger. With hundreds of millions of men in the world and with tens of thousands of them on dating sites, it is not that difficult to locate a "Mr. Quality Right "when you think about the odds. NOT really. Not when you think about it.

 Essence Atkins married her beau Jaime Mendez in Pasadena, Calif., on Saturday. It was a match made in Internet heaven.

The couple, who tied the knot at the Ambassador Mansion and Gardens, met on Match.com on Valentine’s Day of last year.

"I wrote him a quick little note that I had read his profile, and then I signed off, Happy SAD Day – that's Single Awareness Day," says Essence, 37, who appeared on the UPN sitcom Half and Half.

A week later the couple went on their first date, and they were engaged a year later.

Bride: Essence Atkins, 37

Groom: Jaime Mendez, 38

Occupations: Atkins, actress; Mendez, financial executive

Homebase: Sherman Oaks, California

Wedding Date: September 26, 2009

Wedding Location: Ambassador Mansion and Gardens in Pasadena, California

Digital Dating: Most of us wouldn't guess that beautiful Hollywood actresses turn to dating Web sites to find a man. But alas, Essence Atkins of "Half & Half" fame did just that. The Brooklyn-bred, Los Angeles-based starlet was over meeting men in the entertainment industry and began searching for a change of pace. She found just that in Jaime Mendez, a retired NFL player turned financial exec from the Midwest, through Match.com. On February 14, 2008, Essence and Jaime corresponded on the site for the first time. "I wrote him a quick little note that I had read his profile, and then I signed off, Happy SAD Day - that's Single Awareness Day," says Essence.  A week later they had their first date and soon after the duo was an official couple. .  .  .

Here's the rest of what ESSENCE magazine said about the couple:  ARTICLE

As a matter of fact, I constantly read these days where people of EVERY race, ethnicity, age, etc. are getting wonderful results when they sign up on these sites.  After you leave college, it's really hard to meet people who have similar goals and a similar direction in life, similar VALUES and such.  Sometimes, it's hard to meet compatible others even in college. Or Period.

Also, I received a note from a reader named X. regarding this couple:

Dear Evia, 

I know on your blog you usually feature interracial unions between White men and Black women, but I wanted to email you two famous people. One is Essence Atkins, actress who starred in Half & Half. She recently married a Hispanic Man named Jaime Mendez and Sanaa Lathan, who is dating a white producer named Steve Rifkind.

Essence's husband is a financial executive and they met on Match.com.

I wrote this because I think many Black women who are hesitant to date White men may be willing to date men of color. I know you have hesitation about that, because you mention many of these men being color struck and many are, but many are not. I have dated White, Black, Latino, Arab and Indian, so I know that many men are very interested in Black women. My cousin is Kenya Moore's complexion and looks similar, and is currently dating a Puerto Rican and Venezuelan man.

Also, recently in the Tyler Perry film "I Can Do Bad All by Myself," Adam Rodriguez (of CSI Miami), Adam-Rodriguez and Taraji Henson end up being love interests. And I have a friend who works in the industry and she said that Adam has a Black girlfriend, so more than a few men are very interested in Black women.

X

X, I've featured couples of ALL types involving bw and their IR mates because my purpose in showing the pics is that I want to PROVE that bw are desirable to men from throughout the global village.  My second boyfriend was Hispanic, and I certainly dated other non-black men. However, people don't normally send me pics of bw with non-bm ( aside from white), so thanks for the one above and the tip regarding Adam  Rodriguez.  Here he is with his girlfriend. THANKS Alec for finding this pic! Remember, I depend on people to send me pics. I never search for these pics. I don't have the time. And speaking of pics, I'm still waiting for readers to send pics of AA (and similarly situated) women in INTERCULTURAL relationships/marriages with black men who have been shaped by other cultures--whether black cultures or not. For ex. President Obama is a bm who was shaped by another culture. He was NOT shaped by AA culture, and this is quite apparent. I really want to expand my Black Women Intercultural Marriage section, so I need pics, articles, videos, links, etc.

Also, I did mention the Sanaa Lathan-Steve Rifkund relationship in an essay a couple of weeks ago.

Also, yes, it's true that SOME men of all groups (including black men) are skin shade racists who reject bw of a certain phenotype, however, I don't think bw should be fazed at all by that because there are many men of all types who DO appreciate the desirability of a wide range of bw's looks. Largely, it's a matter of a bw's outlook on life.   As I said above, a bw only needs to meet ONE "Mr. Right, so it's just counterproductive to think otherwise.

It seems in some cases that SOME bw look for rejection. These bw instead could and SHOULD focus only on the men who ARE interested.  I guess I tend to focus a lot more on the positives; not the negatives.  For ex., if I were to wink at a man on a dating site and he didn't respond, I wouldn't take it personally because he doesn't know ME. He doesn't know who he's actually "rejecting" and all that I could have brought to his table.  Also, just because a man doesn't respond, doesn't mean to me that he's not interested. There could be any number of reasons why a particular man doesn't respond to a woman and likewise when a woman doesn't respond to a man.

BW-Stop overanalyzing these situations.  Do NOT always think the worst. Just MOVE ON to the next prospect.  For ex. one of my young bm cousins told me that he didn't respond to some women on a dating site he joined because they were too much older than him--not because they were undesirable for any other reason. He didn't think they could fit into his lifestyle since he still likes riding on his skateboard sometimes. LOL!  The fact is that a typical wm might be very interested in a bw but believe that a bw is not interested in dating wm or he may KNOW that a bw will not be able to fit into the general landscape of his life.  Some bw feel the same way regarding the latter reason. And neither of these folks is willing to walk away from their overall life to accommodate a person from another race. Neither one of them is racist or narrowminded; they're just being realistic  based on their experiences because "The World is What It Is."  So just MOVE ON because there are many other folks who can easily accommodate a person of another race into their lives.  For ex., My husband Darren and I could quite easily accommodate each other into our lives and everyone in our lives adjusted.

On a slightly different note, let me repeat this: Bw need to do all they can to get away from certain areas.  One particular area is one where they have to diminish their attractiveness to avoid street harassment from DBR males.  I say that because when I was in the City a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that there were a lot of young bw who could have dressed a lot more attractively than they were dressed. They wore drab, unstylish, unflattering styles and colors. I recalled the many discussions where bw say they deliberately "dress-down" in order not to attract street harassers. I did that myself when I was in my 20s and living in NYC.  I was so glad to get out of there!

Anyway, while in the City, I noticed the other week that no matter how attractive or skimpily dressed a non-bw was, the street harassers looked but did not aggressively harass the women. However, when a shapely bw came by, they behaved in a different manner.  Even though they didn't say anything in some cases, they would stare at them in an openly lewd manner. I never saw any street harasser do that openly with a skimpily dressed ww, aw, or hw, and I didn't see any harasser make any comments at ww. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I don't believe that non-bw experience this nearly as much as bw from the harassers, from what I've noticed, heard, and experienced. I think the harassers know that there will be consequences if they treat other women in this manner, so they leave them alone.  They know that no one is going to come to the defense of young bw. Obviously some young bw feel they have to do what they can to not attract attention, so they dress in dark, drab, big clothes, and others don't care.

As other BWE writers have advised and I agree, bw should start calling the police when she's harassed in this raw, open manner because this is straight up sexual harassment/verbal assaults and an infringement on her rights. Harassment is a crime. Thanks to the feminist movement, laws were passed to protect women from sexual harassment and sexual exploitation in the workplace for sure, but women have to file charges when it occurs.  I realize that the charges won't stick in some  street cases, but I've learned that if you give people enough grief, they'll back off.

Many males claim they don't know what sexual harassment is.  I've taught my sons this commonsense rule: If you wouldn't say it to a boy or man, then you shouldn't say it to a girl or woman.

Anyway no woman can ever convince me that at least several men are not interested in them when they sign up on those dating sites.  Heterosexual males are .  .  . well, they're heterosexual.  LOL! If a woman is not attracting any interest, then it's due to her profile or an unflattering picture. Some women have sent me their pics and profile and they need to have their profile "polished" and they need a much better pic to present themselves better.

Not every woman is going to attract Jaime Mendez or Adam Rodriguez, LOL! but there are many wonderful men in the world who are of equal or much higher quality and appeal because a sensible woman with common sense is looking more at  the 'contents of the package'; not just the wrapping.  I've noticed however, that some AA women and AA men can be super unrealistic and superficial about who and what they want in the opposite sex, and many of these people become angry and bitter when they're rejected.

For ex., I received a note from a women from which I've excerpted this one portion she wrote re her brother:

 It would also be wise to look at how some of us also treat the AA men that come into our lives. My brother is 35,a graphic artist with no desire to get married. He is a really good guy, no kids, etc. He told me whenever he tries to be a gentleman with the sistas he takes out, they think his treatment is "too nice" for their taste; they want a "bad boy"; they actually get turned on by someone who "doggs them out." I know this is not every sista, .  .  .  .

Okay, I at first just decided not to respond to this woman, but I think there's a lesson to learn from this. Let me reiterate that I have NEVER advised any AA woman to reject ANY Quality man of any race or ethnicity and this includes AA men.  However, the first thing I would ask my brother if I were her is "Why are you taking out women of this type?"  And the FACT is that MOST bw are NOT like these particular women, as she did acknowledge. I  mean, I wonder whether this woman herself is like these women.  I know I'm NOT like those women and I know plenty of other bw who are NOT like those women.

I think there is something about women of that type that these males like. I can't figure out what it is but either they're deliberately gravitating towards those women or they're lying and using that as an excuse to debase  and smear AA women in general or to cover up for their own shortcomings.  IMO, ONLY brainless women with "issues" and/or those with lowlife values are of that type and it doesn't matter how much education or money a woman of this type has or what her race or ethnicity is. I can easily spot these women; I don't have any bw like that as friends or even close associates, so why can't these males spot them BEFORE they ask them out?   I mean I can easily spot lowlife men, so why can't these males figure out that these women have lowlife values and issues.

The fact is that MANY of these males are NOT attracted to women of a better caliber and many of these males are ONLY attracted to women who they consider VERY attractive or "dymes" and feel ENTITLED to the dymes. The males become bitter when the dymes don't want them. The dymes are who they are. MANY of these same males will NOT look at higher caliber women of average looks. So they go around whining that bw in general are not interested in a "good" bm or only want thugs.  And if so many of these bw are finding these Thugs or bad boys (as so many AA men complain they are), then doesn't that mean that the thugs are a huge portion of the bm out there? I mean, I, as a woman,  cannot make a man a thug; he's either a thug or not when I meet him.

Also, I know some of y'all think that the "mighty AA woman" can un-thug a thug , but she cannot. A thug is the result of YEARS of bad mental habits and YEARS of undisciplined behavior.  Why should a woman invest time and energy in trying to re-train a thug when there are other men available?  Even if there are no other men available and a woman is foolish enough to try this, she surely will not succeed in 99% of cases. Her time, energy, money, etc. could have been best saved for herself. So what exactly is she getting out of the deal? Just a piece of male anatomy? Is this a smart investment of her resources? If she can't answer  YES quickly and firmly, then no AA woman should even try to do this.  She CANNOT afford it. She could use that same time, energy, money and whatever and come out much better if she put them somewhere else.

Also, if a bw is a female thug or something similar, how many AA men do you think would invest time, energy and  devote years of his life trying to re-train or reform YOU if you were that woman?  Think about it and be honest.  Remember, it's RECIPROCATION or NOTHING!

So my dear notewriter, there are PLENTY of average bw who would be interested in your brother, especially if he's a Quality man because MOST women are average looking and most women are looking for quality men.  The BULK of ALL women are average looking. That's what AVERAGE means. Yet so many AA men are searching for the next Beyonce. and I know this because I see how so many young average looking bw  I know never get attention or asked out by bm.  So, I don't have any sympathy for your brother. With all of the quality AA women available, he could find a good woman if he's realistic and if he's serious.

Yet when a these same bm see ANY bw with a non-bm, then she's accused of rejecting bm or preferring wm.  This is why I say to bw to just MOVE ON. No matter what an AA woman does or says, no matter how she tries to contort herself for a typical AA man, he will still find multiple things wrong about her because his dissatisfaction stems from his dislike of himself-- because he typically feels impotent compared with other men in the world.  And this is not a bw's fault.  Bw, his anger has NOTHING to do with you.

Now I know that some of you AA women will spend your last ounce of energy trying to make things all better, but you will NEVER be able to fix him. He has to deal with other men by himself as a man in the world just like bw have to deal with other women in the world. 

Just a few more words of advise. Use it or trash it.

1) AA women, please do NOT fall for the okey-doke AGAIN. NOT AGAIN!  This is why bw must keep teaching other bw about some of these deceitful games that these males continue to try to play.

Some AA men are now trying to use an updated version of the same ole: "let's just work together and get rid of racism FIRST and then we can work to get the sexist dogs off your back." I personally would simply ignore these males, but IF some of you mushy-hearted bw want to respond to this at all, tell them, "NO!" Tell them that This time around, they  must show PROOF that they're working to get rid of sexism FIRST. Point out that it's their turn to go first, just like AA women fell for the okey doke and put sexism on the backburner and worked FIRST against racism back during the Civil Rights movement and then still had to deal with hellish sexism (physical, sexual, and emotional abuse) from bm. Do NOT fall for the SAME trick again. Your daughters will curse you if you do.

2. AA women cannot save "alla our people." From where I sit and observing all ages of AA women across all socioeconomic levels, the typical AA woman is sinking and FAST. She is flying solo and barely surviving herself or is mainly depending on other bw and the government for protection and survival.

3. Do not believe or stop believing the  LIE some AA men broadcast on the internet that AA men don't care about your education, your degree(s). PLEASE! This is a BIG LIE. When's the last time you saw a bm pursuing an AA woman who's a high school dropout or penniless? He may pursue a non-bw of that type, but not a bw. Even the high school dropout AA males, ex-cons, want women with more education.These males DO care about your education because they know that your education means a higher income and a more quality, comfortable lifestyle for HIM. He devalues your education in order to keep you feeling confused, and as less-than as he feels, and to get you and keep you without reciprocating in an equivalent manner.  He knows that if you don't know your value, you will not require that he bring an equivalent amount of value to the table. So any man who talks like this doesn't want you to know your value or he has another ulterior reason for talking this nonsense. If he's really insistent on having an uneducated woman, there are plenty women who are unfortunately lacking education still around. YOU just step aside so he can go and find one of them.

I know I don't hear of any AA men pestering their AA girlfriend or wife these days to become a stay at home mate or stay at home moms.  Yet, these deceitful males are all over the internet saying they don't care about  a bw's education.

My ex-husband and my current husband TOLD me that they highly valued an educated woman, NOT because of her income, but because of her values, tastes, general mindset, and other intangible assets she brings to his table and into the lives of his children. So why is it that so many AA men are constantly trying to devalue an AA woman's educational achievements?

AA women--YOU listen to me. Go on and get as much education as you can and add on, tack on, glue on every bit of value to yourself in every other way too. Please don't lose any sleep over an AA man not wanting you for any reason! Lawdy!That's his issue, not yours.

4. You can NEVER "persuade" somebody to be fair with words alone. It may work briefly, but then a typical human being is going to revert to true nature and become their selfish selves. This is because the best resources of all types are scarce and always have been and other human beings are always going to want to hog most of the quality resources for themselves and their own. So stop wasting your breath trying to make other folks feel guilty or "persuade" them to be fair. Either get some leverage (like some sort of club to use--LOL!) and be prepared to use it to the max, or save your breath and prepare to suffer.

As V.S Naipaul says in his authorized biography, "The World Is What It Is," and it always has been that way. Remember, life is not now, nor has it ever been fair. But You as a bw must still figure out how to LIVE WELL and do it.  So just MOVE ON.

Also please checkout my Health and Fitness section.  KR just sent a wonderful article regarding the benefits of the Mediterannean diet or way of eating.

Moving On: BW, Just MOVE ON! Scenes from a Wedding, Benefits of Marriage

It is time for African American women to totally and completely just MOVE ON.  You absolutely must just MOVE ON.  BW--Just expand your social circles and networks to the max and MOVE ON. Be the best that you can be and just MOVE ON. Stop allowing people to play mind tricks on you that waste your precious time, energy, and youth. Just MOVE ON.  BW--STOP trying to get people to understand why you're leaving and just MOVE ON.  Stop looking back and just MOVE ON. Stop thinking about what's back there.

Just MOVE ON. Yesterday is over, and there's no changing what happened yesterday, so just MOVE ON. BW--Free your mind and just MOVE ON.  The quality of your life tomorrow depends on the quality of your decisions today. Just MOVE ON.  PLEASE read KHADIJA'S  blog about all of the mind tricks played on AA women and the myriad reasons why you need to just MOVE ON. If you want to free your mind, you absolutely must read her blog. And you'll feel freer by the second to just MOVE ON.

BTW, here's a young BW-IR SITE that is MUST-READING. Powerful writer and much critical thinking over there!  Please check out her site, encourage her, comment, and show her some support. You can imagine the venom she's catching from the Ikes and Ikettes on her Youtube videos. I haven't had a chance to check out her video(s) yet. 

Also please check out the Letters from Readers section here on the site. I still get a bunch of notes from readers and I love sharing them with you. I'd just fallen behind, so I'll catch up. Check it out because there's sometimes very useful info in some of the notes that can help you or a bw you love.

AA women are waking up. Any AA women who doesn't wake up will not survive.  It's a life and death situation now; they may as well just wake up and decide to survive and thrive or else they may as well just dry up quietly because that fate is easily predictable for many of them. There is NO help on the way. Even President Obama is fighting for his own survival. Am I being melodramatic?  Not hardly. We already see this happening all around us. Bw--Mate Out or Die Out! Stop trying to hold up the bc!

Okay, Thanks NK for these  beautiful pics of Scenes from the Wedding of Monesha and Jonathan.  CONGRATULATIONS to you both! Much Love and Happiness!

  I'm a strong proponent of marriage for AA women, so I  want to devote this particular essay to MARRIAGE--the benefits of it for women AND to men. Along with  all of the deeply emotional, spiritual, and practical benefits I derive from marriage, I ENJOY being married! Marriage is a lot of FUN. LOL!  I don't think people talk nearly enough about how gratifying it is to be in a committed partnership with a quality mate. I will post info below about many of the various benefits of marriage. Here's a LINK so you can read about this couple. Doesn't she looks like a young Condi Rice?

     

Please click to enlarge.

I also have another wedding to post either in this essay or the next one.  Some bw have  moved on or never got stuck to begin with. If a young bw starts early in her twenties, like I did and many other women do, positioning herself for marriage to a QUALITY man, and only mingling with quality men, there wouldn't be nearly as many of y'all who want to get married and aren't married.  STOP listening to people who tell you that you have plenty of time or that you must only romantically mingle with men of a certain skin shade or ethnicity.

You are free to mingle and mate with any compatible QUALITY man, but you must vet him because all quality men are not compatible with you. And please make sure that he's the marrying kind. There are some men who are not the marrying kind. A man is much more likely to be the marrying kind if there are people close to him who are married or if he comes from the  marrying kind of background. The probability is much higher with a man of that type.

Remember that 99.99% of life is a matter of probability.  In your personal life, only spend time with people with whom there's a HIGH probability that they are in line with YOUR values and YOUR goals. These people tend to be more like minded. Put distance between yourself and anyone else.

__________________________________________________

The below is a re-posted portion of an essay I did earlier this year re the Benefits of Marriage.  After reading this, you will clearly see why homosexuals are pushing for the right to get married. Of course, I don't blame them AT ALL! The next time any person tells you that there's no point in getting married, point out to them that they're impoverishing themselves in numerous ways, and with the below information, you can actually cite details.

Also, as much as there is a decline in the U.S. among various races and ethnic groups marrying and an increase in those naysaying marriage, the vast majority of people in other groups are STILL trying to get married--both the women and the men.  This is just common sense, no matter how it's looked at. There are SO many benefits--across the board--especially when you marry a QUALITY, compatible partner. One thing I know for sure is that there are very few AA women who can actually afford not to get married--but you must marry a QUALITY partner.

I have to keep "QUALITY" on the front burner because SO much depends on that. I want AA women to have Quality lives.  I believe strongly in having a Quality life. Was it Dr. King who said: "It's not important how long you love; it's how well you live [that's important]."  Living well is very important. Quality is one of my strongest values, so with every decision I make--with people, places, and things, I inject as much "quality" as possible.

Bw--Do NOT settle for less than a QUALITY mate, and what you consider a "quality" mate to be  depends on your VALUES and station in life. So I can't exactly tell YOU who your quality mate is. My ideal quality man, for ex., may not be yours, but there are some basic criteria. Any quality man is going to spend a large chunk of his time preparing to provide and protect women and children or is already prepared to do so. This protection spans from the emotional to the  practical realms and all points in between. I'm focusing here on NEEDS, not wants.

This doesn't mean that a man should be expected to meet ALL needs of women and children.This is why a variety of relationships are necessary. No one person should be expected to meet ALL needs, but basic protection and provisions are critical NEEDS that any man who is serious about a woman should offer.  Safety/security are critical needs of women because women feel vulnerable a lot of the time. A lot of us women spend lots of time sharing notes on how to remain safe.

Therefore, an actual man understands that this is his major role, to try to keep his mate and children safe across the board. Higher-functioning men do the bulk of this protection with their brainpower. So the typical woman wants a  man who is willing  to do his utmost to provide for and protect her and any children they may have. Women, in general, do not respect men who don't do their utmost to provide and protect. A woman may pity a man and stay with a man who doesn't do this, but I can guarantee you that the respect is lacking. She may actually love him, but she will only respect him when she sees him making a strong effort to provide and protect on a continuous basis.

Regarding safety, for ex., I always notice the amount of interest both Darren (present husband) and my ex-husband (a Nigerian) took/take in the mundane aspects of my life. LOL!  I'm a level-headed woman who can do many things, but these guys were/are very interested in my life. At first, I didn't quite understand exactly why they were so interested in some of the minutiae. I then realized that they do this to make sure that there is nothing looming that may harm me or the children.  So there's frequently a quick check to ward off possible stressful things or dangers. If they detect anything that might pose stress or problems for me, they start right away working to mitigate it. That's one of those invisible aspects of the kinds of protection that my type of quality man provides. He's brainy and a forward thinker and can therefore prevent a variety of potential harm. More than likely, I intuitively chose men of this sort. You may not be interested in this type of Quality man. This is the type I prefer.

I think that most women already know what their basic criteria for a Quality man are, but definitely MANY AA women are directly and indirectly pressured--internally and externally--to settle for much less than they deserve.  And then there are those women (and men) who overestimate or underestimate their Romantic Mate Value (RMV)--a topic I'll discuss in detail in another blog.

_______________________________________________________________

A number of blog researchers provided the info below on the Benefits of Marriage. I THANK them AGAIN for the valuable service they provided. 

Without further adieu, here are some of the most beneficial aspects of marriage.  PLEASE SHARE THIS INFO WITH OTHERS!!  "Knowledge is power" ONLY if you can get it in time and USE it.

#1  From BEVERLY:
 
Financial benefits of marriage:
http://www.nolo.com/article.cfm/ObjectID/E0366844-7992-4018-B581C6AE9BF8B045/catID/F896EE61-B80C-4FE1-B1687AC0F07903BA/118/304/ART/

Marriage Rights and Benefits

Learn some of the legal and practical ways that getting married changes your life.

Whether or not you favor marriage as a social institution, there's no denying that it confers many rights, protections, and benefits -- both legal and practical. Some of these vary from state to state, but the list typically includes:

Tax Benefits

* Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
* Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.

Estate Planning Benefits

* Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
* Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
* Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIP trusts, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
* Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse’s behalf.

Government Benefits

* Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
* Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
* Receiving public assistance benefits.
Employment Benefits

* Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
* Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
* Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
* Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse’s close relatives dies.

Medical Benefits

* Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
* Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.

Death Benefits

* Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
* Making burial or other final arrangements.

Family Benefits

* Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
* Applying for joint foster care rights.
* Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
* Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.

Housing Benefits

* Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
* Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.

Consumer Benefits

* Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
* Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
* Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.
Other Legal Benefits and Protections

* Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).
* Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
* Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can’t force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
* Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
* Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
* Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.

#2 --Felicia sent in a couple of MUST-READ articles re Social Security, pension, and other financial PENALTIES for unmarried bw. Read them in THIS Post in the "PONDERING" section.

#3-- Sloane (sistrunkqueen) sent the following vital information about many of the SOCIAL, EMOTIONAL, SPIRITUAL, and HEALTH benefits of marriage.

by Youmasu J. Siewe, Ph.D, MPH.

If you are currently married, divorced once or ten times, a career bachelor, or just contemplating marriage, this article might be of interest to you.

What is marriage? Marriage is the following:

The institution that legally, spiritually and culturally binds and recognizes man and woman as partners.

The most valued and beautiful of all human relationships and a fundamental social institution which is central to the nurture and raising of children.

It is the ‘social glue’ that reliably attaches fathers to children.

It contributes to the physical, emotional and economic health of men, women and children. A strong commitment to marriage is therefore fundamental to the health and stability of any home, community or nation.

What do Americans think about marriage? Studies indicate that having a happy marriage is one of the most important desires of Americans. However, more and more Americans are becoming less likely to marry or remain married. About 50% of American marriages end in divorce for multiple reasons, and some as vague as “irreconcilable differences”.

What are some general benefits of marriage? Health and family science researchers cite the following as benefits of marriage:

Marriage tends to improve the way people think about themselves, their spouse, others, and the future.

Husbands and wives are more likely to do unselfish things for each other and for their families than they would do if unmarried.

 Individuals who are married are more responsible to their communities and the nation.

Individuals committed to one another in marriage can come home and find a place to understand each other deeply and redefine ways to fulfill their roles to themselves, their community and nation.

What are physical health benefits of Marriage:

Married people across cultures have better health than unmarried people.

Married individuals have lower rates of alcoholism than their unmarried counterparts because they tend to offer encouragement, support, and protection from daily problems that could otherwise lead them to using alcohol and other drugs.

Married men and women have lower suicide rates than unmarried ones because married people have meaningful social networks of friends and relatives. Meaningful relationships give people a sense of personal value and a feeling of responsibility to others.

 Married individuals have less illness, accidents, and murder; they are less likely to die from all causes, including heart disease, stroke, cancer, car accidents, and murder.

Married individuals spend less time in hospitals and have higher recovery rates.

Married individuals tend to have stronger immune systems, making them less likely to catch colds and develop other illnesses than unmarried ones.

What are the emotional health benefits of marriage?

Married individuals have the lowest rates of depressions and schizophrenias compared to the unmarried.

They tend to handle stress and anxiety better than their unmarried counterparts.

Marriage tends to make individuals to be more motivated to do well at work and to persevere through stressful situations.

Married persons are less likely to be lonely because they always have someone to share their thoughts, feelings, and lives with.

Married persons are more likely to report feeling hopeful, happy, and good about themselves.

Married couples have sex more often and enjoy it more physically and emotionally than their unmarried counterparts.

What are economic benefits of marriage?

Married couples have higher incomes than single men and women.

 As a marriage endures, couples have more obligations to each other and tend to be more financially responsible, and more likely to save money. Example: a husband who is skilled at repairing things can save a lot of money for the family; same applies to a wife who is skilled at managing money.

It is important to remember that when marriage partners pool their physical, emotional and economic resources together, the marriage, the family, the community and nation benefits.

#4  KR  provided the following article link regarding how those who divorce fare vs those who remain married in this ARTICLE, which underscores the value of marriage and the importance of both partners investing in the marital relationship in order to maintain the marriage.

Thanks so much, Beverly, Felicia, Sloane, and KR!! Well Done!!