Taila is African-American; Thomas is Danish.
Thanks Taila, for this pic of you and Thomas. You found your ONE! I'm SO happy for you!
And thanks a bunch for your note! I'll share a portion of it.
Thanks, E. for this OLD NAVY commercial on YT, which helps to normalize a man-woman relationship where the man and woman are *Gasp* black and white. LOL!
And Ouch! I say that because I happened to look at a few of the comments.SMH
I broke my rule of: "NEVER read the comments." LOL! Thankfully, I only read a few though. I tell ya, reading the comments section of many sites can be a terrifying experience when you consider that many of those people who write those comments are walking around us, NEAR us every day. OMG!
Anyway, I loved the tune but couldn't understand a word of the song. Yes, the commercial has a lovely ending. Hmmm---maybe someone at OLD NAVY has been reading my site. Ya think?
Bw--remember to ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS support those businesses (and individuals) that uplift your (OUR) image. They are adding value to you and others like you. And stay away from businesses AND individuals that don't add value. Don't feed anything that is biting you! This a PRIORITY. If most AAbw did this, EVERYTHING ELSE would move into balance and take care of itself.
And speaking of those who do what they can to empower bw to lift up their image, One Less Soldier (OLS) is a young BWE writer, who on her site: NOT YOUR GIRL FRIDAY provides a forum for a smorgasbord of penetrating and provocative thought and discussion. Hers is another of a few Must-Read BWE sites that present a consistent, thriving-oriented message for those bw who have made the decision to cut loose the dead weight of all sorts and embrace the bounty of opportunities and gifts that life offers.
Thanks, so much PK for this beautiful video of the Engagement of Timolin and Eric that plucks at the heartstrings! Wishing this couple overwhelming waves of happiness!! And I LOVE the print dress she's wearingin the video. OMG, streamlined-figured me wish I had the figure that could fill that dress out! LOL
Ecclesiastes 3:1 says:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every activity under the heavens . . . .
And for those who are not Christians, the cycles in nature show and prove this to be true every year.
I think that many AAbw in particular need to be constantly reminded of the natural cycles of life.
A person's life has seasons. As a strong advocate of marriage, I have to point out that though a woman may marry from age 8 (in some cultures) to 108, there has always been a prime season for a woman to marry, particularly because many women and men want children. This has not changed.
I hear folks saying: "Oh, things are different these days for women. Women can get married in their late thirties or forties and still have a family." And others around them will just nod and not put this through any critical thinking sifter. Therefore, many younger women totally believe this because it's not questionned or countered due to political correctness. The fact is that it's not nearly as easy or simple to do this as folks claim, and the overwhelming most of women who try to implement this strategy-schedule FAIL due to social, biological, and medical reasons and/or they pay a heavy price.
The fact is that the overwhelming most men who want to have a family are NOT seeking women in their late 30s or 40s. DUH! Yet, I continue to hear upwardly mobile AAbw being soothed with the CONSOLATION based on flimsy research that "Most AA Black women get married, but they marry in their 30s, so don't you worry."
No one ever points out the sheer abnormality of such consolation.
Well, I'm pointing it out. This is supremely ABNORMAL consolation when the average black woman's (like any other woman's) PRIME season for mating and having children is mostly gone by the time she's in her mid-30s.
The fact is that in their non-working and non-schooling time, many upwardly mobile AAbw are STILL focused overwhelmingly on activities of some sort that fall under the heading of saving others in the black construct. Even many AAbw who declare they're not mules or mammies (women who carry the loads of others and make tremendous sacrifices for others without reciprocity) ARE still doing just that. This is because the overwhelming most of AAbw are programmed to be heavily emotionally invested in and derive lots of satisfaction from SAVING, defending, protecting and sacrificing themselves for others and WITHOUT RECIPROCITY.
Activity on behalf of the welfare of others is a form of politics since there is the goal of securing/adjusting shares of power to provide for and protect others. Think about it. This is one reason politicians are put into office--to do this. But politicians make sure that they receive boatloads of reciprocity.
These self-sacrificing acts would be admirable for so many AAbw to do if not for the fact that the typical AA woman doing this has NOT secured her own well-being. Many women of other groups do lots of volunteer work, but there is usually sufficient reciprocity received by them. Normally, many of these volunteering women from other groups are usually well-to-do women who are usually already married and largely have a built-in support system and relatively comfortable life. Self preservation is the FIRST law of nature. Statistically we know that large numbers of AA women don't tend to be married (which itself provides a tremendous boost to a woman's welfare if she's averagely married), don't largely tend to share child rearing responsibiities (IF they have children) with a live-in father, don't tend to be sound financially, tends to be under-focused on self-care, don't tend to have a revitalizing support network when she needs it, is usually surrounded by others who drain her, and for all practical purposes are essentially disconnected from others who would add value to their life.
Meanwhile, the seasons pass; these AA women grow older and usually she grows poorer since she tends to also follow the giving and spending program she's been indoctrinated with: give, give, give, spend, spend, spend.
Just like life, the seasons of many political winds change, but the seasons for a woman's life remain the same. She's young and in her reproductive prime ONCE. "As a woman gets older, her chances STILL get fewer," said my grandmother and that has always and continues to be true.
For ex., many AAbw gave their utmost to support the Black Power movement during the 1960s and 70s, but didn't realize that it was just a phase and a fad in the minds of the bulk of AAbm. I clearly remember how bm persuaded (conned) AAbw into supporting the black nationalist "Power to the People" and "Black is Beautiful" rhetoric spouted by mostly AA black men. Some folks knew then and we all know now that even during this Black Power nationalist phase, many bm were replacing bw with non-black women as mates and wives. I can also recall how bm justified the non-bw girlfriends to bw as "just sex." When the fad was over and the dust cleared, many AAbw discovered that tons of their time, intellect, energy, money, skills, and other key resources had been used to be the wind beneath the wings of AAbm--most of whom reneged on their promise to reciprocate bw in any way, regarded bw as less desirable than other women, increasingly married non-bw, and attacked AAbw with unending barrages of foul names and A-Z criticism.
But many AAbw had STILL not learned their lesson. SMH
Numerous AAbw (EASILY conned again) hugely supported and defended black male misogynistic (c)Rappers during the late 1980s and 90, without realizing that once again, their resources were being used by numerous AAbm in (c)Rapper culture who proceeded and continue to this day to bombard bw with constant public ridicule, replace them even further at every opportunity, erase bw or devalue them publicly, while simultaneously labelling AA women as non-marriage material and not worthy of protecting.
AAbw--do NOT be duped a 3rd time! However, I can already see the glaring signs of large numbers of AAbw being easily duped again and by the usual suspects. How can AAbw who call themselves intelligent continue to duped over and over by the same people?? Do typical AAbw have a duping chip implanted in their brains? It's also the exact SAME SIMPLE CON with only a cosmetic difference. No new con even needs to be invented; it's the SAME con! SMH! As I said, this is deja vu to me.
1. The first part--the most critical aspect of the con--involves getting AAbw to believe that they and another group (whether it's black men or another group of women) are BOTH under attack in the SAME way and by the SAME attacker.
Hands reach out to hold hands with AAbw. Ahhhhhhhh--finally! LOL!
2. AAbw, thrilled to be in solidarity with bm or other women, react EMOTIONALLY and with virtually NO CRITICAL THINKING and believe the barely-concealed lies. They don't stop to reflect on the fact that their situation has nuances that are uniquely different in important ways.
3. Without any reciprocity arrangement or payback schedule discussed or agreed on, AAbw leap into the fanfare and move to the forefront organizing, protesting, using massive amounts of time, energy, skills, money, intellect, etc.
4. When the dust settles, AAbw find out that the other group has advanced several steps whereas AAbw are battle-fatigued and have regressed in social stature or are still in the same place with the even more damaged image of empty-handed SHE-MALE fighting oddities. The other group regard AAbw with disdain and remind them to "make better choices" next time.
It would be extremely smart for AAbw to NOT get involved in political winds and protests of any sort that don't show and prove RIGHT NOW that they offer bw constant reciprocity by promoting and protecting the interests of AAbw RIGHT NOW. AAbw cannot survive another con job. History has proven beyond any doubt that investing in the support and defense of the bulk of bm or others of any group has not paid off for AAbw. For ex., though AAbw tend to vote in large percentages, the well-being of AAbw is at an all-time low. I personally don't see anything on the horizon that is going to change that--even if 100% of bw vote in the next election.
I'm not saying that AAbw should not vote. Our ancestors paid a heavy price to secure our ability to vote. What I am saying is that in order for the vote of AAbw to make a difference in the lives of AAbw, a TOTAL change in the mentality of AAbw is critically necessary. This change in mentality and actions relates to ALL spheres of life: Education & Professions (more majors in STEM areas), Men, Marriage, Money, Children, Religion, Networking, Lifestyle, Health, and other major facets that involve the most basic elemental views of life held by typical AA women. It does no good for AA women to just continue voting in large percentages and expecting things to change simply because of their heavy voting turnout. Come on now! The results of the last several elections didn't change anything for the betterment of AA women, so maybe someone can explain to me why large numbers of AA women voting would change anything to uplift them in the next election?
This is just common sense and critical thinking. We know for sure by now that endless complaints and sporadic, disjointed protests are not only dangerous and foolish for AAbw, but a waste of time for AAbw. And angry rhetoric is for losers.
Thanks, FK for the link to this NYT Marriage Announcement and Slide Show for the Crawford-Kings wedding.
WOW to that and the way they met and meshed. LOL!
Yes, their meeting and subsequent marriage sound like the stuff of a romance novel. LOL! I'm so happy they didn't let THEIR chance get away from them!
Over the years, SO MANY bw and wm have written to tell me that they once met a wonderful man or woman from another race who they let get away because they feared that their parents, friends, or somebody on the street would disapprove!
Darren and I just got back into the country from vacation a few days ago and I tell ya--it was SO refreshing to see so many BWIR couples during our outings at the many events we attended. So nope, "not all bw are asleep at the wheel.'" Smarter bw are moving on with their eyes wide open.
Smart is as smart DOES. Smart people are thriving oriented; smart people make thriving oriented CHOICES; smart people act in smart, life-uplifting ways; smart people DO smart things. Smart is not a state of being; it's based on ACTIONS.
And I certainly agree with your comments about this couple.
Thanks, PK for this Link to this couple's marriage pics. BEAUTIFUL!
Natasha and John
Okay, here I am again making it PLAIN in this loooonnng article. LOL!
[Btw, I have had over well over 5 million site visitors (closer to 6 mil. and a lot more Facebook "likes" than are shown in my sidebar, but my "likes" got split between my regular FB regular page and my FB "fan" page.
Does anyone know how to easily fix that? I'm almost at the point of deleting BOTH FB pages. LOL!]
Anyway--I’m SO warmed by the fact that many of you find value in my common sense views, but at the same time, please know that I do what I do here to record certain current events and to express my views on these events, as I perceive them.
There are critical currents in this country now that will have far-reaching legs into the future for AAbw and I think that these events must be recorded. But these events are fluid; they can change direction at any time--based on the will of AA women. Nothing has been decided, YET. So, in this way, we each--as individuals-- and as a part of any group have the power to determine much of our own destiny.
I believe that AAbw are tremendously important people in this particular country. Despite any and all attempts by even some AAbw who support the erasure or minimizing of us, we are here and the fact is we've been key contributors and shapers of the most progressive aspects of this society. We would be supremely foolish if we allow others to erase women who look like us and minimize or distort that legacy.
For ex., I was aghast recently to hear of a social media exchange where AAbm said they surely hoped that no "ugly" bw (an "ugly" woman to a typical AAbm usually = dark-skinned woman with tightly coiled hair and a non-pointy nose) would be chosen to play Harriet Tubman in a movie. They wanted a "pretty" biracial women like Paula Patton or Halle Berry to play the role of Ms. Tubman. Mind you that none of this is Paula, Halle, or any other biracial woman's fault. They can't help how they look.
Powerhouse BWE writer, Khadija, has highlighted this sad situation in a series of articles like HERE, where she references an article written by another BWE writer named One Less Soldier (OLS). OLS is another writer of must-read articles about the predicament of many AA women and she--alike Khadija and I--poses do-able solutions. Fab-u-lous! Take some time to read and chew on her many penetrating pieces and all of that wisdom! Just Wow!
Obviously many typical AAbm salivate over women who look like Paula Patton and Halle Berry and think that bw who look more like Harriet Tubman, Fannie Lou Hamer, Barbara Jordan, Cicely Tyson were what they call: "ugly" and they therefore feel these darker women should be erased from the public's memory or --God forbid--never, ever seen on TV, movie screens, in public or ever talked about for the simple reason that they were darker-skinned with wider noses and tightly-coiled hair.
But it was the greatly numerous AAbw like Ms. Tubman, Ms. Hamer, and Ms. Jordan whose contributions shaped me and made it possible for me and my children to be here. So, I will bring them to your attention whenever I choose, and it is up to AA women to make sure these women who look more like the rest of us are not erased--like in that movie "Red Tails." Erasing AAbw erases their contributions. Why should ANY bw make a contribution--only for it to be erased if her skin is not light enough or if her hair is not straight enough or if her noise is not sharp enough to pass the inspection of the colorism police which is manned heavily by color-struck, racially discriminatory black men. In that case, then all of the lighter skinned or whiter women should be the ones making ALL of the contributions.
Yes, there were lighter-skinned bw like Ms. Rosa Parks who made a massive contribution too towards the uplift of AAs. My maternal grandmother was a very light-skinned SC woman. But let's face it. It was mostly more stereotypically West African looking darker-skinned women who made our existence and survival today even possible in this country. What kind of insanity would even tempt anyone to throw all of that away to exalt a woman who looks like Paula Patton over Ms. Tubman--simply on the basis that Paula is lighter? My paternal grandmother almost looked exactly like Ms. Tubman. I WANT to see women who look like Ms. Tubman playing a woman who looks like Ms. Tubman on every screen because, unlike DBR AAbm and the AAbw who probably think the same way, I don't ever want my children or descendants to forget anything about Ms. Tubman, Ms. Hamer, or the numerous other AAbw who are now unknown and unsung sheroes.
And in 2014, it is NOT white peoples' fault that so many African Americans cling to and won't purge themselves of the notion that they think that women who look like Paula Patton are beautiful and those who look like Harriet Tubman aren't. Another part of this is that white people have the right to consider women who look like them to be beautiful and to put white women's beauty on a pedestal just like black people or Asians or Indians have the right to consider their women the most beautiful.
I've never heard a white person say this to black folks, but I wish that some of them WOULD flatout say this. LOL! I wish that POC would take responsibility for their views about themselves and stop making white people into gods and goddesses by acting like white people have the superhuman power to just think thoughts and those thoughts will travel in the heads of POC. LOL! The fact is that you have to be OPEN and willing to receive the thoughts of others in order for those thoughts to get in and take root. Whose fault is that? White people and no one else can make anyone think or believe anything UNLESS those people overwhelmingly cooperate. And if you, as an adult, overwhelmingly cooperate in your own destruction, then oh well--you're just a goner.
I've always thought like that. I, for ex., have viewed tons more images of white women exalted as beauties in magazines, TV, movies, etc., than any younger AAbw or any young AAbm, but I have never considered any white woman I've ever seen to be more beautiful than me. Yes, ww have their beauty in their category, but I have my beauty in my category. It's like comparing green to purple and saying that one is more beautiful. They're both beautiful. Both colors are what they should look like. Both of them are found in nature; they're both beautiful in their own way. Yet there're lots of folks out there savaging each other psychologically and physically mutilating themselves because they believe that purple looks better than green or that green is more beautiful than purple.
And I've advised that if you're a darker-skinned bw who just has to to get yourself one of those hawt DBR brothas, (and please, these males are NOT your brothers, or definitely not comrade in arms, in ANY way) then yeah, you need to practically swim everyday in skin bleach; then get yourself a pointier nose and buy the hair and a pair of green or blue contact lens won't hurt. No one is stopping you from doing that. Do it and be happy because that's almost guaranteed to work. Case closed. Stop complaining about these males. Just go and get those 3-4 things and you're almost guaranteed to be at home base with them. Most of them would overlook virtually any other flaws you may have. If I had to just have one of those males, I would just save up or borrow the money to get those 3-4 things done.
Thanks, FK for this link!
I'm serious about that because you only live once and you want what you want--for whatever reason. I'm giving y'all PERMISSION to go ahead and do that (if you need it, otherwise, why haven't you just done it?)
But you don't need to get online or on TV and talk about it. Just do it quietly. Get your man and y'all live happily ever after. Going on and on about this publicly has reached the point of overkill.
Okay, now--on to other things, slightly. LOL!
First, y’all know that my writings are largely done to urge and support the sustained uplift of bw, and NOT just in terms of marriage. Marrying CQLL men of any group is just one, key proven way history has shown that ushers in sustained uplift for women and children. Marriage has its flaws, but it’s the absolute best system that has been devised for the all-around betterment of men, women, and children. This, too, has been proven despite all the yapping about how marriage stinks.
So, let’s look at African-American black women (AAbw). No other group of bw worldwide (from what I’ve observed) are in the dire straits that African-American black women (AABW) are in. Not talking about money primarily, but AAbw and their children are the most impoverished demographic in the U.S. because the “community” that they invest(ed) in and thought was there to support, lift them up and provide sustained comfort, safety, and support has turned out to be one of the biggest poison pits, and mass of blood suckers and vultures faced by any group. And the men—African American BLACK men-- who AAbw thought would be their cheering squad and fiercest supporters, the men who they thought would stand in line to love, cherish, and adore them have proven to proportionally be the largest group of culprits who are dumping the most poison into the present-day pit.
I’m not referring to every single individual AA black man or AA black woman here. I’m talking about the aggregate.
Plainly said, AAbw—in aggregate--are the victims of a massive HOAX. It seems to me they ought to be able to sue somebody! LOL I mean, when companies dump poison into the earth, they can be sued. This has turned into one of the biggest hoaxes perpetrated by any large group of people AGAINST their own people or others in their own ethnic group. It’s ugly, but it’s fascinating at the same time, and since I’m a student of culture, I would love to hear from y’all if you know of other massive in-group hoaxes. LOL!
So, when y’all encounter AAbw who seem to be befuddled, dizzy, angry, and acting like they’re out of their minds and just don’t care, it’s because many are in the midst of the hoax and don’t know it, or are just becoming fully aware of this unbearably painful hoax, or they realize that they’re in it and know they’ll be trapped forever in it.
This hoax against AAbw is due to a well-employed strategy by the BLACK “community” with a litany of tactics that were used and are still being used by the BLACK “community” to program virtually all AA black females to support AA black males, to—when or if necessary--fully sacrifice themselves physically, financially, mentally, emotionally, healthwise, spiritually, and socially to guard, war for, and uplift black males and without any or no on-par RECIPROCITY from the males. The chief implementers of this program that mostly benefits black men have always been black WOMEN, themselves. I know we’ve been talking about this for years, but it’s still going on bigtime.
These days, “capeing/caping” has become the new colloquial term for this shielding, protecting, uplifting without RECIPROCITY process. Though lessening, you can readily read and hear on many websites and in the media where numerous AA black females continue to indirectly and directly “cape” for black males, whereas you very rarely find American black males voluntarily “capeing” for black females. To the typical AAbw, capeing for black males is like a reflex—whether it’s direct capeing or indirect.
For ex., I read recently on a site owned and run by bw where the bw—in the comments section--were applauding a young bw who has taken a warlike stance against privileged wm on her Ivy League school’s campus. The bw in the comments section were applauding her for being brave and saying they admired her skills and confidence. Well, yes, it’s wonderful to have those qualities, but she shouldn’t be using them to be a SOLO warrior against a group of the most wealthy, privileged and powerful males on the planet. These bw commenters were, in essence, encouraging black girls and bw to be sista soldjas, SOLO warriors against very powerful segments of the patriarchal machine like those males who WILL fight back and devour most of these typical LONE black women. Yet, not one of the bw in the comments section on this site ever asked the critical question: “Where are the black MEN on this campus?”
Warriors always get shot at. You can’t be a warrior unless you expect to get shot at. The males should have been the warriors on the front lines--or the grunts.
In warfare, the grunts are the front line solders. They are often the first soldiers shot at, shot down, or killed. They’re called “grunts” because that’s the only sound they usually make as their bodies are blown to bits by the first wave of bullets or other armament from the opposing forces.
BW—do not EVER willingly become a grunt. Only be a grunt if YOUR or your children’s life is on the line.
I’m just making it PLAIN. This is just reality and common sense.
This encouraging AA black WOMEN to be grunts is a sick and “othering” pattern. Whereas there is still immense resistance to ww and other non-AA women being grunts in the armed forces, typical AAs don’t see anything wrong with AAbw being grunts—whether in this country or anywhere. I would bet any amount of money that even ww who have proven to have ferocious combat ability or superb skills with weaponry are still held back from the front lines of combat, but typical AAs don’t see anything wrong with young or old AA women being put out there as grunts. As a matter of fact, when AA women balk at going into threatening situations, I’ve usually heard other AAs say, “Stop trying to act like a ww!” Or “Black girls aren’t supposed to cry.” This is the TYPICAL reaction; not just something that happens occasionally. I kid you not. This is the PROGRAM.
I’m going into detail about this so that some of y’all can see the under-belly of the workings of this pathological program and how it impacts the minds and behavior of unsuspecting AA girls and AAbw. You will often hear AAbw encouraging a LONE bw to be outspoken and to fight against white male and/or black male patriarchy, BUT when those males fight back against those LONE black women (and the males can be counted on to fight back and with massive force if needed—SURPRISE, SURPRISE--LOL), the other cowardly AAbw will usually fade like smoke and leave that LONE bw to take the full onslaught of the wrath of those men.
Exhibit 1: Ntozake Shange.
Exhibit 2: Alice Walker.
Exhibit 3: C. Dolores Tucker
And many, many, many others.
Another thing I want to make PLAIN here is that if you read black literature and history, the typical African American male was never programmed by the BLACK “community” and definitely not by whites to play the role of the uplifter, problem-solver, protector, or supporter of black females. This is a critical deficiency that many of these males have. Some AAbm have fortunately had capable fathers to model this role for them, but let’s face it: MOST haven't/don’t. This leaves a lot of them not KNOWING how to play this role, and they know it but won’t admit it. Even when they outwardly have the means to do it, they still don’t do it. AGAIN: They do not KNOW how. In general, these males don’t play this role with non-bw either, but when a bm is wealthy or influential, his deficiencies are not as apparent or not felt. He and/or his non-black mate can use his money and influence to smooth things over.
BUT NO ONE EVER MAKES THIS PLAIN TO AA-BW. Therefore, many AA-bw "think" these males are withholding something from them that these males honestly cannot give. That may sound like I'm making excuses for these males, but I'm just dealing with reality. How can they do something that they've never learned how to do? And if you think they know how to do it, WHERE did they learn it?????
So, the sad part is that many AAbw EXPECT for AAbm to step up and play this role, and when the males don’t do it, it makes SOME AAbw feel that they’re not as worthy of the best treatment as other women are, or it makes them feel they’re not “the prize.”
No, it just means that young black girls and bw must be plainly taught at a very early age that they have a very low probability of ever getting this kind of “prize” treatment from typical AAbm. Even though many AAbm will try to mask this deficiency in numerous ways—and they mostly do it by blaming it on AAbw—claiming that MOST AA women are badly deficient and not marriage material, and yadda yadda. Instead, I would have immense respect for them if they just admitted that they don’t know how to play this role since they’ve never learned it and then seek other men who can teach them.
AA black mothers and other mothers MUST teach their daughters that they ARE “the prize” (and BE SURE to teach them to conduct themselves like “prizes”) and then tell their daughters to position themselves to ONLY spend time with males who will view them as “prizes.” Instead, the bulk of AA mothers point their daughters toward AA men ONLY, many of whom are incapable of seeing those black women as “prizes”—no matter how spectacular these women are. I’m just making this PLAIN.
That being said, mostly all women are average women—not spectacular. I’m an average woman, yet I’ve found several CQLL men who considered me (with my heap of flaws that I continue to work on) to be “the prize.” I'm just being PLAIN about this because we've got to move WAY on from here. And no, I wasn’t "lucky," as I’ve often been accused of being. LOL! Well, I may have actually been lucky for having the mother and paternal grandmother I had.
As an aside, my mother and grandmother didn’t get along at all. They actually intensely disliked each other, but they were very much alike in key ways. That used to tickle me.
Anyway, feeling that they’re not in the “prize” category is the root cause of the disappointment that many AAbw feel when a growing percentage of AAbm who have acquired resources –whether financial, intellectual, influence, skills, prominence, credentials, etc. increasingly outmarry. People will accuse AAbw of being jealous, but any jealousy involved is not significant. I personally don’t care about anyone’s jealousy because jealousy is not valuable. LOL! There are women of all groups who feel jealousy. Jealousy among all human beings is as normal as bad breath. It never fed anybody or put a roof over anyone’s head. So who cares about it? When or if it’s a factor, it’s not important.
What IS critically important is where are AAbw making the bulk of their investments of critical amounts of their time, energy, and $$$$? In their dreams, apparently. What are the returns on those investments? Where are the great bulk of those returns going? Why is this my business? Well, this affects ALL/MOST other AAbw BECAUSE it’s the pattern for AAbw to turn to other AAbw for help. And yeah, I’ve pulled substantial money out of my pocket to help other bw—not to even mention time and energy. And this was mostly because these bw have been programmed to invest the bulk of their own time, energy, and financial resources in purple unicorns.
AAbw do not turn to white women, Asian women or Hispanic women for help. Or rarely so. And they know that when they turn to AAbm for help, they will virtually always have to trade flesh in exchange. Therefore, AAbw are still the most prevalent source of sought-after help among other AAbw. Even non-AA bw expect for AAbw to help them. LOL! Even they don’t turn to white women, Asian women, or Hispanic women to help them. Or rarely.
Khadija talks a lot in her articles about the supreme foolishness of AAbw capeing for or making it a pattern of supporting and defending women in other groups, because these other women do NOT have a pattern of reciprocating. Of course, I’ve pointed out that AA women don’t demand reciprocation. I know some of these women in these other groups, and they don’t exactly even understand why AAbw support them. They like it, but they don’t understand it, and they don’t feel obligated to reciprocate because their OWN group is their primary, secondary, tertiary, etc. focus.
Since I’m an old school AA woman, I know that AA women didn’t use to cape for other groups of women. We tended to focus on our own—just like other groups of women primarily, secondarily, etc. do. I don’t blame other groups of people for taking care of their own FIRST because—although we shouldn’t be--we are still divided into tribes. It’s common sense to just take care of your own house FIRST.
So, AAbw capeing or protecting or fighting for other groups of women (who already have the overwhelming bulk of the men of their group AND massive numbers of other women supporting them) is a very new phenomenon. I’ve pointed out that AAbw do this because they’ve lost their own fledgling culture, and I think they think it’s the right thing or the fair thing to do—to HELP others. Not only have they been programmed to HELP others and save alla our people and the entire human species, if necessary, I think they think that if they fight for or support others, those others will reciprocate. But life doesn’t operate that way. You MUST get an understanding with others so that they will know that they MUST reciprocate.
Other than that, do as OLS advises: STAY NEUTRAL. And don’t get angry when others treat you like you’re a pimple on their butt.
When I’ve proposed that AA women—in very large numbers-- ought to formulate and practice a set of customized cultural practices that would support and sustain them over time, so many of them say, “Oh that’s too hard,” or “I’m too busy for that.” *Sigh* Too many AAbw don’t seem to ever get tired of losing. SMH Think about it. Maybe it’s just me, but I KNOW that it’s a whole LOT harder to slave away or sacrifice yourself for others who don’t reciprocate. I also KNOW I’m not ever going to get too busy to do what’s best for me and mine.
IMO, the substantial investment made in black males by AAbw while the males don’t see anything out of the ordinary about giving or sharing the return on the investment with other groups is the reason why I advise AAbw to “KEEP YOUR PURSES CLOSED.” It’s the money and resource trail that’s significant because the return on the investment of those resources invested in black males is heavily flowing into other communities. This is a pattern now that can’t be disputed. This flow of resources also helps to feed the campaign of smearing and devaluation of AAbw because people don’t respect you when you give to them—without the condition that they must reciprocate.
I’ve written countless articles about the critical need for AAbw to demand reciprocity—and especially IF they just can't stop themselves from giving, giving, giving, etc. And in a similar vein, Khadija has another ARTICLE up that is MUST-READING where she discusses various aspects of AAbw’s programming which cause them to remain quiet while others lift lighter-whiter women (like biracial black women) up as representatives of typical bw, and when these women get the perks and the glory-- through no fault of their own, SOME AAbw who are unambiguously black then feel the pain of having their beauty and worth rejected. I mean why would I send the message to the world, “When you see Paula Patton, you’re seeing Evia,” and then feel devalued when the world keeps choosing Paula? Well, I wouldn't ever send the world that message because internally, I don't feel devalued. I didn't spend much time around AAs for decades and never thought much of the opinions of AA men. It's particularly AAbw who internalize the devaluing opinions of AAbm and those of their female supporters. My Arab fiance, my African ex-husband, and my white husband have had only positive things to say about my beauty and worth and well as the females in my circle. Otherwise, I would never have spent more than a minute with these guys either or any women who devalued me.
In America, why would any black person with any pride be in favor of Paula representing or playing the role of a bw who looks more like India Arie in the first place? No, let biracial women like Paula (who already receive a lot of skin shade privileges) represent themselves and let the India Aries of the world represent themselves because obviously people see a difference between Paula and India--just like they see the difference between green and purple. If racism and colorism didn't have such a pernicious impact on AAbw, it wouldn't matter, but let's not pretend it doesn't. It's about surviving and thriving.
Here's a nuance embedded in this situation. It's that darker women like India Arie KNOW they have to knock down the doors of opportunities where a few crumbs may be available, but then biracial women like Paula can easily get to the front of the line in a colorism-based setup and grab the few crumbs (acting or other roles), etc. and then claim they didn't do anything wrong. Biracial women, with their skin shade privileges--that they get from most people, including many black people--need to go and knock down some doors themselves and reciprocate in the direction of darker women sometimes. And one of those doors they need to go directly at is that biracial women like Paula should demand to play roles like playing Marilyn Monroe because they're just as much white as they are black. Paula would have an excellent basis for taking that stance, and there would be many roles for her, if or when she succeeds at that, whereas India Arie, Jennifer Hudson, Sanaa Lathan and many others, they don't stand a chance of playing Marilyn Monroe--as things stand now.
I did hear that Rashida Jones plays white women in her acting career, but it's just common sense that all biracial women should demand that. If I'd ever had biracial children, I would have expected them to think that way because they would have been just as much Darren's children as mine. I would not have raised them to expect less from their white side than their black side. I've never had an in-depth discussion with a black mother of biracial children to understand how they handle things like that, so I'm just saying how I would have raised my children if I'd had any by Darren.
In general, this is why so many AAbw are angered when they see and hear that 25% of bm in the U.S. who got married in the last few years married NON-bw. Everyone wants something from AAbw, but how many others are voluntarily reciprocating. This reciprocity expected from bm, for ex., was never or rarely discussed; AAbw just assumed that when AAbm got into a better position to love, cherish and adore them, virtually ALL of them would do it--considering the near-death ordeals of slavery and Jim Crow. But, if someone had told these girls and women the truth and made it PLAIN about the layers of (1) colorism and (2) severe deficiencies re their role as men that was buried in the psyches of AAbm and for generations, many of these AAbw wouldn’t have been used and wouldn’t feel betrayed today because they would have sidestepped MOST AA men altogether.
Let's face it: If more of the mothers who knew the truth about bm's core deficiencies (and some DID know) had told had told their daughters the PLAIN truth or had known better themselves and taught their daughters this, PLAINLY, plenty of young AAbw would have avoided these males, which they should have done--unless they saw that the men were ACTIVELY taking the responsibility to learn to get rid of their crippling deficiencies--because colorism and not knowing how to play the role of a man--if you are a man--are pox-like defiiciences on a relationship in which a woman expects to to produce black well-functioning children.
There's no shame in not knowing something, but you ought to be very ashamed if you're on the verge of being a parent and KNOW you don't know something critical and then don't actively try to learn it. And anyone who hasn't had an operation to prevent any chance of becoming a parent, could become a parent.
Yes, many AAbm did exercise aspects of a manly role in previous generations, and some did it very well or as best they could under horrific circumstances, but this was done mainly BECAUSE other AAbm insisted that each man do his best to provide, protect, and problem solve for his OWN wife and children. Other black males were not going to take on that burden! I know how this was handle where I grew up. Bm could not get away with sad, sob stories or blaming bw or 'de evil' white folks.
I also KNOW my history because I’ve read dozens—if not more—of books on black history, black literature, African history and African literature, took college classes, and participated in numerous discussions over the decades where there was much slicing and dicing of AA and African history. I didn’t learn black-American history from “12 Years a Slave” or “Django Unchained” or “The Butler” and other Hollywood distorted productions.
I have to shake my head in deep sadness at the black folks who depend on Hollywood's rendition of slavery or black history to teach them or their children black history. Nothing that Hollywood produces about slavery is ever going to come close to reading the books. Books and other reading materials are everywhere and free or cheaply available--much cheaper than movies. And what’s really idiotic to me about the mentality of some demented black folks is that they’ll complain endlessly about whites lying to them about this or that, yet, they’ll still get angry about Hollywood (run totally and completely by whites) not feeding them enough slave movies filled with more distortions, omissions, and outright lies. Does that make sense to anyone?
She got married!! LOL!
'"I'm so happy to make Eve my wife'."
Rapper Eve tied the knot with British Gumball 3000 motor rally CEO and fashion designer Maximillion Cooper during a picturesque beach ceremony at Blue Marlin, Cala Jondal Beach in Ibiza, Spain on Saturday."
I'm SO happy for Eve! She''s talked about the children she wants to have AFTER marriage, so she can now get them started. LOL!
Okay, this post is going to make a lot of y'all very uncomfortable. LOL! It's actually going to make some readers yell "Evia's straight up insane." It's going to seriously offend and enrage some folks. It''s going to tear some people out of their frames and others out of their cage.
But before you read any further, please recall the epigraph in all of my books:
"Choosing a mate is the single most important decision any woman makes in her life, especially if there are to be children. If she chooses her mate wisely, she and her children will reap many rewards. But if she chooses poorly, she has paved the way for them to suffer, for generations!" --Eve Sharon Moore
That being said, all human beings are far from perfection. DUH! And I've never stated before that any group of men is better or worse. I've stated that women should VET each man as an INDIVIDUAL. However, just like most reasonable people would agree that certain ingredients produce a better tasting strawberry shortcake, certain circumstances produce more than a few better individual men for marriage. Certain other circumstances produce more than a few worse individual men for marriage.
RE my black male sons and granddaughter--
Before I go further, I want to make sure y'all know that I have 2 bm sons and a granddaughter who I dearly love. By default, my sons possess male privileges in a patriarchal world, however, my sons were not raised as AA males, even though they grew up in the U.S. When they were growing up, they knew some AA males, but they had relatively little exposure to the inner workings of AA male culture, though they were aware of some of that during the few years they attended public schools. We closely monitored our sons' social interations and with whom.
They were largely exposed to Nigerians (and other Africans) and the norms of Nigerian culture since we mingled mostly with Nigerians and other Africans. But since they had an AA mom (me) who is proud of her AA heritage ( and our AA culture from yesteryear) and a proud Nigerian father, we did our best to emphasize only the best practices of both cultures. We worked overtime to instill these best practices in our sons. Honestly, we didn't totally succeed because it's impossible to instill practices from a very different culture that's 5,000 miles away and a culture from yesteryear in a child living in this country during this time. But I would give our efforts a grade of B, when I view them operating as adult males today. YAY!
My sons are hybrids or what's known as "Third Culture" people. When you encounter them, you might think they're AA males, but they don't have the exact mentality of most typical AA males or typical Nigerian males about aspects of life like women, children, family, education, money, business, culture, or life in general. This means they're neither exact AAs nor Nigerians, however they resemble Nigerian males in these respects much more than they do AA males.
Therefore, I'm pointing my efforts now overwhelming towards my granddaughter who will not have male privileges. For her sake and for the sake of many little black girls like her, I am going to make my message plainer than plain from now on. She and millions of other little black girls are counting on me and all of us older bw to do our utmost to pave a safe and productive path for them and warn them of the pitfalls and provide the alternatives. So, I am not going to shirk my duty; I'm going to do my best not to let her/them down, no matter what.
Making it Plainer than Plain
So, if you're used to the usual soft peddling re these issues (to protect the feelings of certain AAs/bm) which functions greatly to impede AA women's uplift as a group, you're very likely going to get very offended. That's a warning, so STOP reading now.
I recently heard about the death of a mid-thirties AA woman, an acquaintance of mine. Let's call her Sonia. She got married maybe a year or so ago, and I heard a couple of weeks ago that she died during childbirth, having her first child.
OMG! I was totally undone to hear about her death! I was wiped out for days, and actually I'm still grieving. I was fond of her. At one point, she and I were in a church social group together and she shared a lot about her life with me, including her yearnings for marriage and family and this brought up the ups and downs (mostly downs) of her relationships with men she dated, all of whom were black. That was not surprising because FACT #1 is that the men most women date or mingle with or marry are of the same group/race.
And AAs in general LOVE to point that out to AA women who even begin to ponder whether they need to look outside the group for better quality husband and fatherhood material.
However, I'm going to tell you the overlooked devilish lil detail or key nuance to keep your eye on in FACT 1.
The reason why most women mate, mingle with and marry men from their group/race is because the men of their group happen to be the most compatible, quality, loving, and lovable men for that particular group of women. Said another way, the overwhelming most of men of practically any group on earth will go through hell and high water for the women of their group.The men of that group have a vested interest in the well-being of that group; therefore they have a vested interest in the well-being of the women, in general. This has been proven to the extent that would be accepted by most reasonable people. For ex., to an extremely high extent or probability-wise, Puerto Rican men are better mate and fatherhood material for Puerto Rican women. Nigerian men are better mate and fatherhood material for Nigerian women, and apparently Euro-American (white) women believe that Euro-American (white) men are the best choice for them. Etc.
By better, I mean they are better providers, better protectors, better problem solvers for the women and children of their group because they have a vested interest in those women and children.
These men don't do this because they're simply wonderful human beings full of virtue; they do it mainly because they want their group (their children who we all live through in the future) to survive and flourish down through the generations, and they know that the group will not survive or flourish UNLESS they marshall their forces to protect the women. The men may not want to do this; they may hate having all of that responsibility or even needing to do this; they may even prefer women from another group. BUT they do it for the women of their group because if they don't do it, their group is nose-to-nose with EXTINCTION.
Women of a group MUST be protected, just like the forces on a chessboard try every maneuver possible to protect the queen and king (the queen is most powerful piece) on the chessboard. The game of chess is patterned after any tribe or group's instinct to survive and thrive. When the queen is not protected or can be attacked constantly and weakened or captured, the game is quickly over. The king can never survive for long without the queen. And when the king and queen are gone, the game becomes history.
Generally speaking, AA men do NOT show by their actions or even by their words (these days) that they believe that it is a high priority or ANY priority to protect, provide for (not necessarily with money) or problem solve for AA women.
The overwhelming most of them show that they do NOT care whether the AA group survives or thrives. AA women must face this.
More and more AA men actually state that they have no responsibility to protect any bw who is not giving them sex. This clearly shows that this type of man doesn't even think about his GROUP surviving and thriving. His mind is fixated on his groin.
I know that this is usually when most AA men and their lap dog women who coddle and defend bm to start up about slavery, Jim Crow, and institutional racism, and say that bm "just can't" protect, provide, and problem solve for AA women because of de evil white folks. This is BOGUS because we must never forget that AA men used to do a much better job at this--in the midst of slavery and Jim Crow, just like there used to be a high rate of marriage among AAs during slavery and Jim Crow. And under these extremely arduous circumstances, many (though not all) AA fathers tried their best to be there for their childen.
But if it IS true that so many AA men "just can't," then I do not want MY granddaughter anywhere near an AA male who would even begin to think he "just can't." Since we know that many AA men think this way or even think that a woman should provide, protect, and problem solve FOR THEM, then why would any of you even allow your precious daughters and granddaughters to even think an AA man is the "right" choice for her?
If the bm ministers and sister so-and-so at the church and black parents, friends, colleagues and other relatives truly believe that the bulk of AA men "just can't,' then WHY would they go along with any AA daughters, friends, etc. WAITING for a Mr. Right Bm who "just can't"? This really amounts to a free fall over a cliff.
If the desire were there or IF the bulk of AA males stressed that other AA males play their position, these males, in general, would be doing 5,000 % better than they're doing. But, the bulk of AA males are not doing that, at all, and AA women, in mass, need to FACE THIS, and stop mingling with them or WAITING for them because TIME is not on any woman's side, for sure.
The other side of this is that many AA males now believe they "just can't" and if or when they "can," then they increasingly deliver what they can get or do to a lighter or whiter woman. I don't blame the women for this. It's not their fault that these males salivate for them.
I was sent some revealing research findings that show the much higher probability that lighter-skinned bw will receive marriage proposals, better treatment, various perks, etc. from higher-earning bm, higher positioned bm because these women are preferred by typical bm, in general. In other words, a lighter skinned bw or whiter woman period, runs a significantly higher chance of living well (or sometimes in luxury) with the help and assistance of a bm. Of course, some AA men will claim they will flock to a darker women IF the darker woman is pretty enough. But what does it take for a dark-skinned bw to be considered pretty enough by a typical AA man? Hmmmm--there's a bunch of criteria she must meet. But usually, if she looks like a Euro woman dipped in chocolate, that's perfect.
[NOTE: Because we already know that many wm/non-bm who like bw embrace the beauty of dark-skinned bw, so that is not being addressed in this post.]
Most women of all groups are "average" looking, however many bm consider most ww to be pretty enough simply because they're white.
Since this is the case and IF a typical go-along-to-get-along bw is going to lie back and allow her daughter to be steered only or mainly toward a Mr. Right bm, then should AA women start to deliberately produce ONLY lighter daughters and teach those daughters to ONLY mate with lighter/whiter men? After a couple of generations, those daughters will be considered completely white. And typical AA males will be happy. I say this because so many AA women seem to be willing to sacrifice themselves, their resources, and their daughters in order to appeal to non-reciprocating AA men.
(Sigh) Re these preferences of typical racist/discriminatory AA men-- AA males have taken the group back to the 'paper bag' test again. They claim it's their right to prefer lighter or white women, but when white employers prefer lighter or whiter people for a job, those same bm will call that preference "racism."
It's the same thing; it's preference based on skin shade.
Y'all can howl all you want and hate the messenger or sink into denial, but you KNOW that's the truth with the vast majority of AA males/men.
No loving mother wants her daughter to suffer or have less than simply because of a darker skin shade. I realize that some of y'all will be outraged at my suggestion to "lighten/whiten your daughters if you don't actively do steering away from racist/discriminatory AA males, but I'm a realist. I'm not a magical thinker who believes that bm will start treating darker bw equally to lighter-whiter women or start preferring dark-skinned women anytime soon. So, as more AA males make more money, become more educated or move up the social scale, the overwhelming most of them will continue to select out lighter, brighter, whiter women as mates. Period. Check on the girlfriend or wife of ANY bm entertainer, author, sports figure, doctor, hi-ranking executive, etc. of note in the western world these days, and you can best believe that his significant other is most probably not black or if so, there's a high probability that she's lighter than a paper bag, or noticeably exotic.
Not saying that AA males won't sex practically any AA women. I'm talking about quality relationships.
AGAIN: The fact is that during the past 2 decades, it's been made clear to most reasonable people that judging from all the reports and statistics, it is very risky to steer AA women of today toward AA men as husbands and fathers of their children because the chances are very slim that she will meet an AA man who "just CAN"-- and particularly if she's a darker bw. AA women must face this and stop getting all tied up in emotionalism about it. They need to start actively steering their daughters at a very young age to ALL men of quality in the global village.
And bw, please stop this "our men" or "our black men" or "our brothers" talk! That's just pitiful, considering the willful disregard that the bulk of AA males show that they have for AA women.
I do NOT believe that AA women CAN teach or stop bm from preferring lighter, brighter, whiter women. I do believe that enough AA men could do that because boys--when they are pre-adolescent age and higher--want to win the approval of men in this regard, but since most AA men are bent towards lighter-whiter women themselves, they're not going to do it anytime soon. And men determine which woman is attractive or not. That's a male privilege.
YET I would bet that the overwhelming most of AA ministers and church members, AA parents, AA friends, AA colleagues, and practically anyone who is AA STILL continue to steer bw toward AA men--ONLY. It's sometimes not what they say; it's what they don't say.
So, as Sonia would talk to me about the ups and downs (mainly downs) of her relationships, I wondered at that point why she WAITED and stuck to ONLY dating bm. She was a college grad, very pleasant, attractive, very generous of her time and energy, and fit. But she wasn't perfect--just like the rest of us.
I knew that numerous AA women have major doubts about whether a relationship with a white man/non-bm will work because they've been told repeatedly that it won't work for a laundry list of reasons.
I would bet that no one ever plainly explained or stressed to Sonia that she didn't have to even think about WAITING for a Mr. Right Bm. I didn't do it either. She was in her early 20s then. I wonder now whether it would have made a difference. Maybe she wouldn't have WAITED for Mr. Right Bm if I'd made it a point to lay that out to her. I guess I will always wonder about that.
When my son heard about her death, he wondered too why she had waited. He wondered whether her giving birth at her age may have been a contributing factor in her demise. We don't know. I'm no medical person, so I'd only speculate that her age didn't exactly help. One thing for sure is that she never got a chance to be a mother and know the experience of mothering because while she waited for Mr. Right Bm, her TIME was slipping away.
The fact is that there are millions of men with whom any individual woman could have a MUCH higher quality of life because these men are strong marriage material and some have the unique makeup or are positioned to help to lift a woman in myriad ways. A woman doesn't need to be perfect to be viewed as "the one", she just needs to find the man with whom her unique imperfections are not a deal breaker. As I've stated repeatedly, these are the ONLY men who should be on her romantic landscape. So, a typical woman who is interested in marriage should be very proactive (and even aggressive in a demure and stealthy way) about positioning herself to ONLY be around these types of men and do so WITHOUT apology. Don't even tarry with any of the other ones. Tarry is a word my Alabama grandmother used to use. LOL!
I, Evia, look at INDICATORS and probabilities. For ex., if there's lightning and thundering, that indicates to me that there's a high probability of rain. I therefore grab my umbrella--just in case-- before leaving home.
If not for my grandmom and mother, I may have believed the outright lies, lies by omissions, okey dokes, and hypocrisy flung at AA women--about (black) men, mothering, and TIME.
I mention mothering because there is still a large tract of AA women out there who CHOOSE not to become OOW mothers, even though they really want children. They've been taught to WAIT to marry Mr. Right (bm) before having children. Many of these women did all the right things in terms of conducting themselves in appropriate ways in all walks of life. They want to be approved of by other blacks; they want to be a part of positive statistics about AAs. YET, they're still unmarried and have no children, even though they really, really, really want them. The biological clock has ticked down for some of them and is ticking rapidly down for others.
I notice that we never hear about this large number of AA women. They represent a large but silent and invisible sector, and I encounter individuals from this group frequently.
I zero in on the TIME element because the other day, I came across some AA women on another site saying they're still WAITING on God to send them their mate. SMH! This way of thinking comes straight from the AA Church of Hypocrisy (COH) that surrounds so many AA women. And yes, this COH functions exactly like a church with a carved-in-stone-doctrine, Amen corner, and with all the usual suspects carrying out certain functions. This is how and why the programming continues and effectively so.
But I never attended the COH because my grandmother and mother told me the brutal TRUTH about men, mothering, and TIME at an early age. They were NOT PC. So, I hit the ground running. I didn't need to be 25, 32 or 45 before the scales began to fall off my eyes. And my mom and grandmom also provided me with the fuel and direction to run in--in order to find the most bliss in life, given all the disadvantages that any little AA girl has.
In other words, these women had plenty of Common Sense and they unapologetically told me the truth about life and what I needed to do as a young AA girl--in order for me to become an adult woman who would have the highest probability to live well.
Anyway, I'm still grieving the loss of Sonia, who I believe just might still be with us if someone had told her the whole straight-no-chaser truth at an early age--the way I was told the truth about men, mothering, and TIME.
And after thinking about this for some time now, I've come to the conclusion that the reason many AA women don't make better choices EARLY enough is because these women don't know early enough about the true nature of many other AAs, including their loved ones--the people they trust. They are warned constantly about racist whites, about racism, and taught to self-segregate from non-blacks, but they're rarely warned about the true nature of many AAs. And I'm not just talking about a minority of AAs. I'm talking about the majority of them. I'm sure you can figure that out. There would have to be a LOT of AAs cooperating to keep this campaign of outright lies, lies by omission, gaslighting, (thanks, Khadija) and hypocrisy going so strong and for so long!
I can just hear the gasps and shrieks of denial. I know some of y'all don't think, don't want to believe you're cooperating with this evil campaign. Some of YOU bw CONTINUE to sugarcoat this dire situation. Some of you are scared that all the rest of us will leave you. Others of you don't want some of us to rise or leave or not until you, too, can rise or leave. LOL! Others of you are jealous as heck and some are just happy to see bw suffer. That's okay--you'll get yours. Realize that.
I think that AAs need to study THEMSELVES LOL! Yes, it's necessary to study other individuals/groups in the surrounding society that have a pernicious impact on AAs, but it's critically necessary for AAs to also study THEMSELVES. That would also be highly beneficial.
In the meantime, BLACK WOMEN-- please begin TODAY to make it PLAIN to little black girls that since/if the males around them don't treat them like they like them or don't prefer them, then they must cross those males totally off the radar. Those males add NO value to their lives. Things or people who don't add value need to be tossed. These girls WILL believe you if you teach them. MAKE IT PLAIN!
It was my mother who taught me to never like ANYONE anymore than they like me. Teach your daughters this.
Make sure your daughters know that no one is valuable by virtue of their skin covering or gender. A person is only as valuable as the value they bring. Do not allow your daughters to waste their emotional or any other energy on males who don't care for them. Young kids CAN be taught this.
Do NOT allow your relatives, friends, folks at the church or whereever to pretend or gaslight you or your daughter(s) that everything is going to be alright or that it's just a few AA men who are bent and damaged. This is not true. Instead, it's only a few who are NOT like that, and you can tell this by the state of the black community. Totally ignore what typical AA males say when they claim to love bw. Watch what they DO for bw. If the bulk of AA men were on the side of AA women, there would be no way the so-called "community" could be in the ravaged condition it's in.
And trust me when I say this: A woman CANNOT drive a MAN away from her or from his children IF he wants to be there.
Until AA women learn these lessons, they WILL continue to repeat them.
Please don't allow your daughters to have to start learning these same lessons from Page 1.
If you don't drill these lessons into them, you're setting your daughters and other little black girls who depend on us to tell them the truth up---for a life of less-than-dom and misery.
[Readers--After I published this post, I received a few notes of criticism re my statements below where I said I never watched slave movies nor the entire "ROOTS" series and didn't allow my sons to watch it. I will post those notes at the bottom of this post this evening and respond to them there since there are probably others who may be curious about my reasons for not watching the current slave movies and for why my ex-husband and I did not allow our sons (when they were children) to watch slave stories of any type.]
Wow! It's been a spell since I last updated this blog! But, I've been busy planning my next "Evia" adventures . LOL!
Thanks, FK for the pics of these couples.
Some readers may recall that though it wasn't the initial purpose of my blog, years ago, I re-directed my blog to show and prove to AA and similarly situated bw that they have numerous options in ALL arenas of life--romantic as well as otherwise. I had noticed that these options were not being presented to them by those around them or by those persons and/or magazines and other outlets they looked to for key information. I had also seen that it didn't even seem to occur to the bulk of AA women to look out for their own interests--'first and foremost.'
So, at the time, I started what eventually morphed into a crusade of sorts, (lol).
I didn't know exactly why the vast majority of these women didn't seem to know about many of their options, but I knew it had to do largely with their lack of exposure to these other quality options and I knew that had to somehow be connected with the money (and other KEY resources) trail.
As I pointed out back in 2007, the money trail is almost always behind the various mysteries of life. LOL! I mean, if you can't figure out why something just continues to go on and on, look for the money trail. That will always be the case.
Follow the money trail, and POOH! The mystery will vanish. For ex., there's is obviously STILL a lot of money invested in keeping AA women's gaze fixed mainly or ONLY on AA men and/or sometimes only on the sparse, assorted other bm in a typical AA woman's enviroment.
However, IF the vast majority of AA and similarly situated bw begin to equally view, position, and present themselves (as I did) to appeal mentality wise and other wise to the interests and view of QUALITY men--period, including non-AA bm as well as non-bm for romantic/marital and other partnerships, someone stands to lose a lot of money (and other quality resources). It's just that simple, folks. Otherwise, no one would care and there wouldn't be the pushback that we see in their various guises.
Just so y'all know, I don't consider money alone to be a valuable resource. However, money spent or used WISELY is a supremely valuable resource. For ex. it's been reported that the NFL player Terrell Owens earned $80 million but is now on the verge of being broke. There are many like him. I never was interested in males of that type. I could size them up instantly. I prefer men with big brains. I always wanted a man who knew how to get enough money and manage money WISELY because I learned early that it's not how much you get or make that counts--it's how much you KEEP.
Anyway, some bw don't realize that they totally cooperate with the various forces to keep them contained or in their lane--competing to sex and secure love from men who have already shown they're not appropriate or are crumbs (which is glaringly clear if the woman vets just a tad beneath the surface). I'm sure I don't need to mention any names of beautiful, hi-profile women and ordinary women who allow crumbs to drain them of various amounts of time, youth, money, energy, and other resources without reciprocating.
The so-called ratchet behavior as well as the shrillness and sheer crude, unrefined (and totally unladylike) commentary and behavior on some so-called bw's sites and those horrible reality shows that some of y'all are addicted to--along with the various other tawdry media, are perfect examples and outcomes of that continuous programming that keeps your attention and ALSO works to keep so many bw from being viewed as quality women. All of that ratchet media presenting bw at their worst both programs unsuspecting black girls and bw to act ratchet (since they think that's the way REAL bw are supposed to act) and it shows the world that even some of the most educated, well-positioned bw ARE ratchet.
So, why do so many of you voluntarily continue to consume and SUPPORT so-called ratchet media, slave movies, and the output of other ratchet individuals and experiences? No one is forcing you to do it. Btw, that term "ratchet" comes from a mispelling of the word: WRETCHED. LOL! The person who started using that word didn't know how to spell it and many people copied that person. I'm misspelling the word "wretched" on purpose--to make a point.
I have never watched a reality show, slave movie, Tyler Perry movie, or anything of that sort BECAUSE I already know of the contents and what I hear and read about them is enough for me! I even had a problem watching some segments of the Alex Haley's ROOTS series and never watched the entire series. Why would I? I could instead read and watch material that presented AAs at their best or better--NOT at their worst.
I didn't ever allow my children to watch ROOTS either. We screened what our children consumed at home because we had CONTROL over that. We told our children who they were and we made sure they got the message. They didn't need to get their IDENTITY from the media. We knew that a person's identity or self-concept (the way a person views her/himself) largely determines their thoughts about themselves and their behavior.
For at least some of those AAs who constantly complain about what others are doing to AAs, I wondered then as I often do now why it is that so many AAs gulp down and allow their children to gulp down poisonous material that shows AAs at their worst or somehow acting uncouth and then they wonder why their children aren't behaving better or in more positive ways.
Okay, I know this is about the time when typical AAs will blame white folks in Hollywood for putting these ratchet images on the screens. PLEASE don't blame Hollywood for making or showing this trash. It won't do much, if any, good. Trash of some sort has always been provided and will always be shown or be available, but NO ONE forces any AA person to watch ANY reality show or slave movie or any material on TV that depicts AAs in a less than positive way. It is YOUR responsibility not to consume it and if you have children, NEVER allow your children to consume these images or low caricatures of themselves or not without severe warnings!
I ran into an IR-married wm the other day who said he's married to a bw, but he said he makes sure his wm friends know that he's not married to a ratchet bw. (Sigh) It annoyed the heck out of me for him to say that since I know that the overwhelming most of bw do not behave in a ratchet way. But I had to face the reality that he apparently felt he had to tell his buddies that.
I know that these days, the "ratchet drama-queen" bw is the most prevalent image that AAs have allowed and SUPPORTED to become the face of AA women in this country. Even the FLOTUS is suspected of being down low ratchet since it's clear that many (even some bm) think that beneath her Ivy League education and polished demeanor, she's actually ratchet. So, this is the reality that AAs have allowed simply because they didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or incite a confrontation by pointing out whenever they got the opportunity to those low-minded blacks behaving in a ratchet way that this ratchedness thing has NOTHING to do with being poor OR with being black. Anyone who behaves like that is simply UNCOUTH.
Plainly stated, what's known as ratched behavior is actually under-class, uncouth behavior and that behavior is not owned by AA people.
And the 2nd step that all should take is to DISTANCE youselves (as I have) from blacks who feel that ratchet is the new black. And OMG, I learned today that some AAs believe that they're betraying other blacks by not acting ratchet. Yes, an AA woman just told me this TODAY that this is how some of her AA relatives feel. So you can see how insanity becomes the norm when people with common sense are bullied into remaining quiet. Then, over time, the people with common sense become overtaken by the insane ones and then most start to act or pretend to be insane. Yep, that's what's happened.
I may be the only AA left out here who is not insane, who still has all of my common sense, and I'm therefore calling out from the wilderness. I may be alone, but I'm not insane! LOL!
Unfortunately, it IS sad to the max that it is mainly AAs who think that ratchet behavior is cool and even exciting. SMH And if some of your non-black friends grin at you and pretend to copy ratchet behavior, they ONLY display that behavior around black folks--NOT around whites and other non-black middle class folks, for sure. I definitely know I never see young white folks behaving ratchet around other middle class whites, and I've been in the position to observe whether this happens or not for years.
Okaaaay-----on to other things.
I've been gearing up for vacation this summer. I think Darren and I will do the western crawl this year. LOL! Yes, we're going to drive out West and do the Grand Canyon, Death Valley, and other parts of interest. He used to go out there to photograph different things, but hasn't been out there for a few years now.
Or at least that's what''s on the slate. I always leave the vacation details up to him. He always manages to surprise me in one way or another with our vacation plans. The surprise may be that he may switch directions altogether and that''ll be fine with me. I'm flexible when it comes to minor things in life and where we go on vacation is really minor to me. But hey--most thing in life are minor. Aren't they?
I've been to quite a few places already. Same difference. So I don't really care that much where we go--as long as we GO and get a refreshing change of scenery and experiences for a few weeks.
On a super pleasant note, I've also been having delightful weekly adventures with my baby granddaughter who is such an interesting person already! I call her the "reporter" because even though she's still a baby, she has such an intense curiosity about certain aspects of life. I talk to her constantly and she talks or babbles constantly to me too. She has a way of looking in a piercing way and seems to be taking notes for a story. LOL! She also LOVES listening to me and anyone else talking. She's very sociable and sometimes launches into "speeches" --complete with hand gestures. Such a happy baby!
So, yes I've been planning new directions for me and what I do here. I enjoy sharing what I've learned about life, relationships, the 'womanly arts,' culture, common sense--at least some of the time. From notes I continue to receive (a couple of them posted below), my common sense views are still valuable to some of my readers. But I will move my attention to other formats of delivery. I'm gearing up to do higher quality podcasts and enable a new site where I plan a few other things. Time will tell.
I will continue to present my views on common sense, culture --with a heavy slant towards Micomsa's Next Level Culture's (NLC) way of life via my Butterflytia series and invite readers to participate.
Culture, different cultures, comparative cultures. I'm a culturista, so you can expect to read more about that lifelong interest of mine. Remember, I'm an ethnographer via my education and will always have an ongoing interest in comparative cultural ways of the past and present--from across the globe. I just spent a few hours a few weeks ago taking in the Korean cultural exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum on the Parkway. Fascinating! And Darren and I spent hours at the new Barnes Museum on the Parkway there. Loved both of them.
And last but definitely not least--THANKS so much to those of you who continue to show your appreciation of what I do by donating to me via my tip jar, writing me notes, purchasing my goods and services, etc. That's reciprocity.
For those of you who offered to be "Friends of the MICOMSA Network," you can support the Network by spreading the word about it, making a donation, and/or purchasing goods and services I present at the new delivery site or either via this site. It all ends up supporting the work I do.
Actually, my first podcast will be on the subject of "RECIPROCITY or Nothing." There will be a fee for some of the podcasts to defray various costs and because for those who need to be told, THAT fee is a form of reciprocity in action. LOL!
Okay, as I mentioned above, here are a couple of poignant notes I received recently that show a critical need for some of us to continue to share our wealth of critical knowledge by paying forward what someone else shared with us as well as what various experiences have taught us. Thanks for letting me know that many things I've learned and may consider very ho-hum can immensely benefit someone else. Human beings have the unique ability to pass on their knowledge quickly to those among them and to the next generation, so that each person or generation doesn't have to make the same mistakes.
I want to personally thank you for all the time and effort you have put and do put into MICOMSA. I appreciate your ideas and the thoughts you share. I'm not sure if I told you, but your words from your ezine stopped me from marrying my ex-fiance. At that time in my life I was very vulnerable and needed some "motherly" or "womanly" advice and it was your words that woke me up and gave me the courage to leave when I could've easily married him. I know it was the best decision I made b/c he was dead weight and I would've been one of those women with a husband who was surviving and doing everything, except living well. After we broke up I went to therapy and saw the similarities between my dating patterns and my father (having to take care of men, not being protected/provided for, etc.) and it was eye opening. Well, I could go on and on, but I just wanted to thank you for all that you do.
Notes from readers re my comments where I said I didn't watch the entire ROOTS series and didn't allow my children to watch it. My responses are in blue below.
A woman, WWM SAID:
I'd bet she has gorgeous skin--even without the makeup!
Anyway, as we know, this Cover Girl AD pic is widely spread in various media, so it will greatly normalize BWIR couples.
I see lots more BWIR couples these days, especially in DE. I mostly see them at the supermarket. Or sometimes, I see them at the mall. They are of a wide variety of ages. Sometimes, they have their children. Other times, they're just walking together in that way that shows they're a "couple."
Naturally, most of these couples--just like me and Darren--don't look like we just stepped out of an AD. LOL! We're average looking people. For ex., Darren and I are about to go the park--he to skate and I'll ride my bike. Since we won't be right next to each other, some people over there will not connect us--as a "couple." Likewise, there are plenty of these couples these days that fly under the radar since people see a bw or a wm somewhere and have no inkling that she or he is IR married.
As the video below says, these relationships are increasing and will therefore become much more visible in the future.
Thanks, Felicia for this Video!
An ongoing project I work at writing and constructing these days is NEXT LEVEL Culture (NLCTM). It is simply another cultural slice that's of interest to and available to some. Y'all know I'm a culture scribe. I started out formally creating and writing about this alternate cultural slice when I began writing my Butterflitia Gazette series since the setting for the stories is an alternate lifestyle intentional community. But in various ways, I've worked at this project since the time I was a child. This is the consciousness and cultural slice practiced by those in the MICOMSA society and those who will join.
MICOMSA is an acronym for "My Intentional Community or Mutual Support Association" which is an organization/Network comprised of people who uphold and practice a set of time-honored, tried-and-true values, standards, ideals, that have proven to lead to living a more holistic, optimal life.
Namely, we uphold and practice values, standards, ideals such as reciprocity, accountability, marriage, supporting each other, practicing good money sense, broadening one's scope to the global village, ongoing personal development, pooling resources, etc. We don't just talk about this way of life; we actively teach it, talk often about the nuances and finer points of it constantly, and LIVE it. We examine the short term and long term value of a belief or activity before adopting it, before it becomes a part of one of our precepts--our governing rules.
In the current popular media-driven culture, I realize that some of these values and ideals practiced in MICOMSA's delayed gratification, holistic lifestyle are considered totally NOT "cool"! Lol But the people in the Micomsa identity group are not driven by "cool" unless "cool" coincides with common sense values and practices. For ex. paying gobs of money (hundreds of $$$) for a pair of "cool" shoes just because they're considered cool enough to die for is NOT common sense to Micomsans unless they are orthopedic shoes prescribed by a doctor to correct a foot defect, or unless the person is independently wealthy or flat-out rich. Therefore someone who is materialistic like that would NOT be a good candidate for Micomsa unless they have vowed to change and want to be in the mix of others on that same path and want to receive reinforcement while they remain on that path. A woman or man who doesn't believe in marrriage is NOT a good candidate for Micomsa. Someone who makes it a habit of blaming others for their shortcomings is NOT a good candidate for Micomsa since they're shirking accountability. Someone who believes in "mingling ONLY with my own," or dismisses travel abroad and an active interest in other cultures as a waste of money and time---is not a good candidate for Micomsa. Someone who believes in doing everything on their own and doesn't see the value of a cohesive, uplifting network--is NOT a good candidate for Micomsa. Etc.
Some people who know that I write about NLC have said, "Wow, creating a culture is a lot of work! Can YOU do that?" Or they'll say, "It'll take too long to do that." My response is always, "Why NOT do it? What better might I do with my time and creative impulses that will undoubtedly have a lasting impact on my children's lives and may have a similar positive impact on the lives of many other like-minded people who are on a similar path?"
And have fun at the same time. Some people watch sports to have fun; others go shopping; I sit around in various places creating the NLC. LOL!
One thing I know for sure is that what's going on out there now in popular culture leaves many people feeling fragmented and disconnected, anxious, spiritually empty, or wallowing in some other desperate emotional state, always in search of relief through the nearest escape hatch. Of course, the escape hatch merchants are then only too willing to provide quick-relief escapes for the "right price" like $400+ for a pair of shoes, $200 or more for a pair of sunglasses, etc. and a steady offerings of poisonous, time-wasting, mind-deadening media.
So, the way I look at it is that even if no one else is interested in the NLC, I will still do this because my intuition tells me that the consciousness to do it is in me for a reason. But wait! Maybe I've gone mad and don't know it?
Ya think? LOL!
Seriously, I'm writing about the NLC since I like to write. I know my UCC views (that are based on tried and true common sense that has filtered down through the ages but has somehow gotten away from many people these days) and NLC to be of great value as is demonstrated by various people who already practice the MICOMSA culture.
Anyway, I know my sons will read what I write since they're interested in everything I write. Ahhh--such wonderful sons! I mean, really. My sons are great young men. I'm so thankful!
As I've pointed out in many of my posts, I became conscious during the time I was a young child that people were "individuals" and were not actually different based on superficial appearance. It didn't matter whether these people were men or women, children or adults, short or tall, dark or light, thin or not, etc. What startled me at the time was that people were treated differently based on these differences in their surface appearance. I've probably spent thousands of hours of my life pondering how so many people--even some of the so-called smartest people on earth--could believe that people are different based on surface attributes, alone.
I've always been a ponderer, so I can remember being thunderstruck by that and other oddities that defied common sense as I walked along those backwoods Alabama dirt roads--during my childhood and teen years.
I wonder now how I could have been conscious of that, at such an early age, particularly since I grew up in a part of the country where the amount of melanin in your skin, the shape of your nose, and the amount of curl in your hair, often meant the difference between life and death. But I just knew better. No one actually told me this. Indeed, many blacks there also embraced the idea that thinner lips, pointy noses, stright hair and lighter skin were heavenly attributes. This is also known as colorism--something that many blacks STILL embrace or worship.
I write about this because it presents a scary situation for this reason: If you can get most of the people in a so-called advanced country to believe that such a flimsy lie is the TRUTH, then if someone actually constructed a "better" lie, then we're all finished as a species. It would be just that easy. Just look at how much havoc that ONE flimsy lie has caused, and it has paved the way for a lot of other ones, many of which are the okey dokes I write about that are spoon-fed to bw.
Since I was conscious that those AND other surface attributes that supposedly made someone "better" were NOT really important in assessing a person, that was a tremendous gift that I received at a young age. I'm SO thankful, and I've often wondered, "Why ME?" LOL This is a great gift because it has enabled me to leap past many people and get various perks and goodies that other people cannot see and avoid mistakes that other people make when they get blinded by surface appeal alone or choose people, places, and things based on exteriors mainly.
Did I say I'm "Thankful?"