Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine

Living Well: My Books, Life Scripts, Don't Look Back, Intercultural Section, Note, Upcoming Podcasts, African Women

Angelique Kidjo (Recording Artist from Benin) and husband, Jean Hebrail (musician and collaborator)They've been married for years and have one daughter.  And Felicia, I agree. Beautiful music!  And this African woman from Benin looks like many African American women.

Site:  Angelique Kidjo

Here are the first 4 books of  my 6x9 paper book series entitled--Black Women: Revolutionary Relationships.  Each book will contain a collection of essays from the more than 400 essays I've written in the past 3 years, along with the thousands of comments that readers wrote in response to them. The digital text version of Book 1 (below) is already on Amazon with  a different book cover  (pic in upper left sidebar for the Kindle and iPhone).  My bm cousin chose the name for the paperbook series and I  reluctantly agreed with him.  We decided to name the series: Revolutionary Relationships because for many AA women, dating and/or marrying interracially or even interculturally is virtually a REVOLUTIONARY act.  Keep in mind that a revolution is defined as characterized by a sharp departure from the established social order; a sudden, complete, or marked change. 

As I point out in the Introduction of Book 1, I didn't realize that it was so unusual for AA women to date and marry non-AA men until 3 years ago when I began to blog.  I and all of my girlfriends and various AA women acquaintances had always dated non-AA men, so that was my view of reality.  So, via the blogosphere, I now have become aware of another reality.  I agree with my cousin that when you consider the steady rise in the number of AA women who are dating and marrying white men and white-skinned men these days in the United States, it certainly represents a revolution.

I came of age in NYC where there are gobs of men from every imaginable background.  My closest gal pals and I never dated in any "black construct."  The first guy I dated was AA; the 2nd was Hispanic; the 3rd was Iranian. Guys asked me out; I went out with them.  I started dating when I'd just turned 17.  I was a high school graduate with an upwardly mobile mindset, a job as a bank teller, and I knew better than to mingle with crud of any type. QUALITY MEN had been emphasized to me by my mother and grandmother--NOT skin shade.  Quality was #1. The whole "Black Power" and "Black Unity" movements were one thing, but when it came to selecting men, I knew I had to select QUALITY--only. Loser men hit on me too, of course.  I wasn't rude to them; I just got away from them ASAP. They were like "untouchables" to me.  I wasn't being snobbish; my upbringing had simply given me a different life script--one that had opened the world to me, not restricted it. I had gotten the message to expand, not contract. I knew that racist and intolerant others would erect barriers for me, but I had been raised to go over, under, and step aside barriers and to keep on moving towards my goals. My life script never included any lines that said I had to get racist, hateful, and/or intolerant others (of any race/group/gender) to like or accept me.  I didn't have to like or accept them either. I did, however, have to keep moving toward my goal.  That was my upbringing; that was/is my life script.

Anyway,  when I resisted all the pressures from my more traditional relatives and married interculturally to my Nigerian ex, those relatives (down south where I'd grown up) thought that NYC had turned me into a lunatic. LOL! I had done the equivalent of staging a coup d'etat to them, or a revolution.  They had assumed that I'd marry a QUALITY AA man. Some of them still haven't gotten over my marrying an African and moving to Nigeria.  To them, I will always be a bit "tetched" for doing that.   Also, as I've mentioned several times, one of my dear elderly aunts who lives in the rural south is always surprised to hear my voice on the phone and hear that I'm still alive after marrying Darren. LOL! She's met him and likes the way he treats me, but .  .  .  .  It's interesting that while she and others of them think I'm 'tetched,' they have a lot of respect for me and are strangely proud of me.  Weird!

Thanks, Felicia for the link about this 3-day wedding!  She's Ethiopian and he's Jewish, but she looks just like many AA women also.

STICK-IN:  3-Day  Wedding Affair of Yadey and Adam

 Whew!  Anyway, Book 1 will be ready for purchase from Amazon at the beginning of August and the others will follow every couple of months afterward. Hopefully, some of you will collect them for yourselves, or other bw you care about or pass them on to younger bw and  others who aren't aware of my site or the forces that dominate their lives. As has been pointed out, my essays provide common sense  knowledge to many bw regarding living a higher-quality life in general and availing themselves of many options that they never knew they had in many areas of life. Many of the notes I receive tell me that my essays provide AA women with a new, uplifting, radically different way of thinking about themselves.I firmly believe that as AA girls and women have more uplifting knowledge, they will make better decisions.

I believe that AA women need to get RADICAL up in here, so my book series is appropriately named.  Notice that I didn't say "shrill" or "loud."  You can be softspoken and will be taken very seriously once people see that you mean what you say.  I was always told--by my paternal grandmother who taught me many lessons through her endless "sayings"--that "an empty wagon makes a lot of noise."

    It was my grandmother, sitting on the porch with her old friends, who imparted to me much of the common sense that you read in many of my essays. I wasn't aware that I think differently about these many issues than many other AAs until I started blogging.  I write the way I think.  What I say here is common sense to me.

So my essays are only minimally about interracial relationships.  My essays are mostly about the common sense approach to having a quality life, which for a woman like me--includes having a Quality mate.  As a matter of fact, some people feel I don't concentrate nearly enough on interracial relationships. That might be because I barely think about being in an interracial relationship with Darren. He's my husband, the man I love sharing my life with, so we're only "interracial" when others are around.I write about the interracial option and the intercultural option  for black women because those options are just natural options to me.  There are many interested non-AA men of Quality in the global village, so since many AA women who were raised to ONLY look at AA men as mates were writing to me saying they couldn't/can't find AA men of Quality, then doesn't it just make sense for them to look elsewhere?  That's about as purely common sense as it gets.

 Back to my books--I will set up a separate section for the books where I will post the titles of the essays in each book so that you will know the contents. I will also mention some of the names of the commenters who responded to those essays when I list the essays because they may be interested in what they were saying 2-3 years ago. LOL!

Lovers in the Dark--Youtube-

Their Site

Moreso than anything else, I think my essays and the many comments document history--the minds, hearts, and aspirations of AA women and women in similar situations about their lives at the turn of the millennium. That, to me, is one of the most important aspects of this work. I see my books as being an important part of the anecdotal record regarding AA women's lives at the turn of the millennium.

AA Women--More and more of you are waking up and realizing that it's time to escape from the hellhole life that the ABC (acting black crew)-construct is offering.  Khadija referred to that whole construct as  "SODOM," in THIS post of hers which is a MUST READ--among her many other life altering posts. I know it's painful for SOME of you not to look back or go back, but you don't have a choice.  For those of you who would like children and want to give them the best chance at life, you'd better plan to either mate out or die out and you must start working this plan in your early 20s. I did NOT say get married in your early 20s. IMO, that's too young for most of you.  However, you'd better start positioning yourself with that plan as your focal point at that point.

The many private notes I receive tell me that SOME of you're trying to do what I've advised in a similar post of mine on Blogger last year: FLEE.   Khadija also advises to: NEVER LOOK BACK if you've fled or are trying to flee.  Many of you are still too weak from the poison to look back without being drawn back a step or two and every time you're drawn backward, you're not moving forward.

This is why I don't present episodes from the AA horror show here. That to me is 'looking back.'  I've asked the blog researchers NOT to send me horror stories about AAs involved in these black horror constructs. I don't even want my mailbox clogged with either these full-blown horrors or semi-horror stories.

I am proud to claim heritage with the people AAs FORMERLY were but I want no part of these destructive shells who've hijacked the fledgling culture of AAs--those folks I've labeled the ABCs.  Many of them do not want to do better. Doing better requires too much discipline for them. They hate words like 'discipline' and 'responsibility.'  If you use the word "obligation," they want to behead you. LOL!

[Gambian wife, American Husband below (See more pics at bottom)  Thanks, Felicia. This African woman also resembles many AA women I've seen. I thought it was so sweet when he said that he'd come back to the States for a visit and was in the SF Bay area, but couldn't wait to get back to his bride in Gambia. He's a happy man!  These African sistas are NOT turning away from Quality white men there or here. I know quite a few African women who live near me who are married to white men.  African women are reared to know how to VET men and if any man doesn't pass the vetting process, he's history. Some men do cheat on African women and some men do beat them and leave them, but they rarely ever have their children abandoned by their father.  This is because African women generally judge men by the man's qualities and traits and a responsible attitude towards children is of paramount importance. African women do NOT have pity parties with men. NOT AT ALL. ]

(Resuming from above) "Acting" black is good enough for them. They REFUSE to even try to re-train themselves to be authentic, respectable, disciplined people--like the vast majority of AAs used to be. The ABCs constantly accuse people like me of forgetting "where I came from," when they don't know where I came from.  I never came from people like them.  Simultaneously, these ABCs beg people like me to GIVE them this or that.  They try to insist that everyone accept them as they are because they claim that they are "keepin' it real.'  Some of them feel "entitled" and many are arrogant and complacent. Trying to teach them how to help themselves causes them to argue and fight with you--if you allow it.  I am not going to fight anyone to save them, except for my children, since I birthed them. These ABCs are destroying themselves and their own children, so why would anyone think they won't destroy you and yours? Any person who will destroy themselves will definitely destroy you--if you allow it.

The bottom line is that there will be a continuous unfolding of the horrors in these black constructs.  This is NOT news to me. I have been predicting this for many years. I worked as a mental health professional for a bunch of years with the youth. When you work with youth, the truth is inescapable. I left work crying many days. I grieved. But I've been all grieved out for a lot of years because endless grief has no survival value. Excessive grieving is wasted energy. I KNOW about all of the foul stuff in the pipeline that is directly coming at you and your children if you're an AA female, trapped in a black residential area.  African American women and their children are in the DIRECT path of the horrors in the pipeline and you have no protection.  There is no one who is coming to your rescue you.  No one cares about you. Others are preoccupied with their own lives. This is why I've been urging as many bw to do all you can to help younger, unsuspecting bw to FLEE. 

  Shame on many of you mothers, adult sisters, aunts, and other black females who are NOT doing the max to protect these young girls from the DBR-predators that float around looking for unsuspecting, weak, young and fresh prey to sex and impregnate. Some of you know these predators are around but you refuse to tell these girls the truth because you're scared that others in the bc will get mad at you for not being sympathetic to predators.  LOL!  I know that some of you know the truth because in private chats that I've had with many AA women for years, they know the parasites and predators are there, but some women don't want the parasites and predators to know that they know.  Other AA women engage in magical thinking.  Others want to reform the parasites and predators while the predator is devouring them. And others believe that they can't do any better but to mate with parasites and predators. Or all of the above. This means that these women, therefore, rarely point out the parasites and predators  to other younger, innocent black females because so many of the males/men around them fit that bill. 

 Predators are predicted to go after the weaker people in the vicinity: women, children, weaker men, and the elderly. This seems to shock many AAs.  So many AAs tend to be perpetually surprised about much of what happens to them or these various horror stories.

And some of you have the nerve to show all of your ABCness/DBRness by getting furious at me when I'm trying to warn these unsuspecting females about the various DBRs are around them who're waiting for an opportunity. Keep in mind that throughout all recorded history, women and men of good will have always warned the females to stay away from "bad/loser" men in the environment--and protected the females. Among AAs, however, it's considered abnormal to warn the women to stay away from loser-males. LOL!!! They blast me for hurting the feelings of these loser men. They claim I'm not being "fair" to the losers. They believe that AA women should give these loser males "a chance." But after a typical AA woman DOES give a loser "a chance" to break her down and mess up her life, the majority of AAs then blame the woman for not making a better choice in men. LOL!! This is a very EVIL GAME.

AA women--DO NOT play this game. Vow to yourself today that you will either have a QUALITY man in your life or no man at all. Never believe that Quality men won't love and marry you. This is the main reason I post the pics here so that you can see that many men in the global village DO value women who look just like you.  Many quality men in the global village DO love women who look just like you.  Many men in the global village DO marry women who look just like you. Remember, the world is a global village.  SOME of us AA women, ww, aw, etc. meet and mate with men from other locales, whether they live across the country or across the world. The world is a global village these days.

If some of you AA women want to restrict yourselves, then good luck. Many AA women who think like me are never going to share YOUR man with you, and as far as I'm concerned y'all should be happy that some of us are in interracial and intercultural relationships because that means there are fewer black women available for you to share YOUR AA man with. More than likely, he would have been interested in some of us.

To AA women  who are subscribers of common sense: The FACT is that many AA men are NOT marrying anyone, so if they're not interested in marrying you, why do you allow anything about them to block your happiness when other men, QUALITY men--are interested in honoring you with respect, love, and marriage. I KNOW that a wide variety of these men are interested in you because they were interested in dating ME and getting to know ME.  I'm a regular looking AA woman. I look like many of you.  I sound like many of you. I come from the same place and the same people that many of you come from, so why would such a wide assortment of these men be interested in me and not in you.  This is why I KNOW they're interested in you.  Nothing can convince me otherwise because I've experienced this. I also know other AA women who have experienced the same.

Please never even begin to believe hateful others who say that a wm will sex you but won't marry you. It all depends. These are the same folks who used to say that wm is not attracted to bw's looks or wouldn't openly date a bw. Due to the obvious surge in bw-wm dating,they now can't say that without looking and seeming stupidly absurd, so now they continue to whisper in your ear that a wm won't marry a bw.  The next time someone tells you that, think of this term: SLAVE-WHISPERER. Those were the black folks on the plantation  who always discouraged other blacks from trying to escape.  There are more than likely many self-serving slave-whisperers around you if you're an AA girl or woman and these poisonous blacks will actively try to discourage you from being your best and living a quality life, especially when they feel they can't somehow benefit.

  If you're an average looking AA woman (most women are average looking) who is physically fit and reasonably receptive/friendly and not getting attention of non-AA men in your age category,  I think it's MOSTLY because you are not in the right places. Yes, AA women have incurred an image problem, but on an individual level, that issue becomes much less than you may think. Heterosexual males are wired to want women.

I've always gone into a variety of venues and I don't see other AA women there.  For ex., my AA girlfriend and I used to go to dude ranches sometimes for long weekends when we were in college and grad school. We would be the only black women there, but there would be lots of white guys there for us to flirt and chat it up with. We used to go skiing sometimes and ice skating. We rarely saw other black women there. We used to travel together and would meet guys out and about who we would just strike up conversations with. She and I were never at a loss for respectful male company. And we didn't get touchy-feely with any of these strange men.

 On the contrary, I hear from some of you about how poorly some of you played your cards AFTER the potentially quality male showed respectful interest in you.

Also, Darren and I go into trendy spots now where there're a variety of attractive younger mostly wm sitting alone, and there are barely any women and absolutely no black women there.  We were at a local new upscale restaurant/bar one night last week and there were about 10 young wm who were alone sitting in the elevated-level bar.  There were some ww there with guys, but no bw or any other type of woman was there.

Many of you would think nothing of trying to be in close proximity to AA men though.  Don't you realize by now that though there are exceptions, the BULK of AA men ONLY want you for sex, other favors, or just want a female to hang out with when they're not doing anything else. That's that friends-with-benefits thing that AA women have allowed AA men to dupe them into because you're thinking that maybe he'll discover one day that he's just crazy about you.  SMH   Yeah, this also happens with other men too, but it's not whether it happens, the real question is HOW PREVALENT is it?  Life is all about probability.

From my standpoint, an AA woman has a much higher probability these days of marrying a non-AA man--white, Asian, other black ethnic. Y'all stay tuned for my InterCultural marriage section.  I plan to feature the profiles of men who are mostly non-AAs like Nigerian-Americans, Brazilian Americans, Cuban-Americans, etc.

I will NOT feature profiles there of black men who were mostly shaped by what passes as present day AA culture (ABC culture) though--because those males are most likely ABCs or they have been too heavily influenced by the ABCs.  AA men of that sort who like bw are mainly alone because they CHOOSE to be alone or because they're looking ONLY for that "FINE" bw--the type with that certain LOOK.  Otherwise, if they're a Quality man, I don't understand why they don't have the black woman they want. I've even talked to AA men about this and they say they don't understand this either--unless the guy is ultra, ultra picky for some other reason.

***However, it is entirely possible to be black and grow up in the general vicinity of ABCs and STILL not be an ABC. I do know of some black men of this type who've been mainly influenced and shaped by parents and a social group from other black countries or other ethnic/racial groups. That might sound a bit confusing, but if you're confused, please write me.

So men, please send me your profiles. Or bw, if you have a brother or relative like this, please forward their written profile to me. If they want to include a pic, that's fine too.

 Anyway, so many of you AA women still engage in this fantasy that an AA man wants you for love and marriage and all other men want you JUST for sex because you've been told that by self-serving AA folks.  That's pure INDOCTRINATION. It's actually more likely the opposite because as I said above, there's nothing stopping a whopping 60% of AA men from marrying AA women. NOTHING but themselves. A bm janitor could marry a bw janitor.  A bm lawyer could marry a bw lawyer. And so on.

And please stop asking me whether an undereducated--and more than likely--underexposed blue collar bm is likely to be compatible with a black woman who is a lawyer or other established, professional woman, whether she's a teacher, banker, doctor, or whatever.  HE IS NOT, no matter how much money he makes, and no matter how you may try to present him to me. People are NOT compatible just based on their "race" or their shared pain from racism.  Publicly, I KNOW it may be socially easier to be with that undereducated, underexposed blue-collar bm. I know it may make your family and friends happy to see you with a "brotha," but you've got to live with him when no one else is around, which will be most of the time. Your so-called "black"ness and shared pain of racism is not going to keep the two of you from ripping into each other or boring each other if you're not likeminded enough or share enough of the same values. Many AAs have had vastly different experiences.  Each human being is  mainly a product of his/her experiences.  It's about being likeminded enough and sharing values. He will NOT be compatible with you in MOST cases. I'm not saying he's not a Quality man for a woman at his level, but he's not suitable for you, in the vast majority of cases.

Yeah, I know there are some AA men who are ticked off because some  professional AA woman won't go out with them.   The question is WHY is it that these men don't pursue women on their OWN level, yet get upset when an AA woman prefers someone on her level or higher?   Hmmmmmmm???? LOL!  This is the norm for women in ALL groups to try to marry up.  It's also the norm for men in most other groups to marry at their level or lower, so that the woman can look UP to them.  These blue collar bm these days seem to believe that a professional AA woman is more attractive than a blue collar bw--because they keep claiming that it's mostly about a woman's physical looks.  However, you cannot make me believe that those blue collar bw don't look just as cute as the professional bw. So what's the real reason that some relatively lower level AA men are trying to date AA women who are teachers, upper-level administrators, lawyers, doctors, bankers, etc.  Why are these men discriminating against women on their own level? WHY??? 

And why is it that so many AA men don't go to college, stay in college, or don't go to professional school? That's a burning question that so many others from other races and black ethnic groups are too pc to ask outright.  And if an AA woman asks that question, she is labeled a snob, gold-digger, or a bigmouthed, demanding b^$ch who doesn't want to understand the bm's plight. LOL!

The Answer to that question?  There is NO VALID reason why more AA men don't go for higher education. NONE.  Lack of money?  You mean AA women don't have to pay for college?  PLEASE!

BTW--Vera and I will talk about the Romance--Finance connection in our first podcast or whichever way we decide to present this information.  We are preparing it now.  We will talk about the OOW situation in our 2nd podcast/presentation. 

There will be a charge for these presentations--a minimal amount, but they won't be free.

Note from a reader who's been preyed on: 

Evia,

when i first started reading this blog a few months ago, I was in amazement. I could not believe how perceptive some Black women were about so many things!  I'm in a pretty good/healthy relationship now, and at age 26, i'm a dating veteran, but this is my first healthy relationship. I happen to be with a Nigerian-American man currently, and I am still learning so much about what I want, and I'm developing my self-worth, self-esteem and pursuing my goals actively. How I got to this place I am now, can only be God and my hope for a better tomorrow.
 
As soon as I turned 18 I was pursued by a much older Black man who used me and abused me. Somehow I made it through that ordeal. Now that i am 26 I can clearly see that that man was a predator, but when I met that man I was extremely innocent and naive. How a grown man can take advantage of a young girl like that still boggles my mind.

 My self worth was lowered and I continued to allow Black men to abuse me, and at age 21 I dated an abusive Black man. This guy happened to be a very active college student, a poet, a Black nationalist, who wore red/black/green colors everyday and was even on the board of some Black student clubs. He wrote poems about how Black women were the mothers of civilization and how he loved Black women, and he actually physically abused me, and other women he dated. When I told him that I once dated a white guy he went beserk. He was livid that I was with a white guy, but he admitted to having "messed with" white girls in that past. After more dead-end relationships, I forced myself to see myself differently. I was so tired of my low self-esteem and my negative thoughts.  I knew I was only attracting more negativity into my life, and I wanted to change. I believed deserved better than what I was getting, so I decided to do more with my life and my time. I have a college degree, but I have always been interested in pharmacy so i decided to go for a pharmacy degree, and I am working on that currently.
 
When I think about where I am now in relation to before, I am awed. I never saw anything in myself, and I would constantly be berated by Black girls/boys in middle school, high school, and beyond, for various reasons. My hair was long, and I was hated for that. I had a a gappy smile, and I got picked on for that. I had african features and got picked on for that. And funny enough, although the immature teasing stopped as I got older, the abuse from some Black men and even Black women did not. I always wondered, If Black people were supposed to be free, then why were there so many rules to being Black in America that we imposed on ourselves?  Why does my hair have to be certain way, or my outfit, or why do I have to speak a certain way? That is why now, I go out of my way to be wierd, funky, brainy, and however else I want to be. I have a great boyfriend and we are both Black, but I visit this blog for inspiration and encouragement. I believe this blog is bigger than interracial dating, it's just uplifting overall. I have always attracted non-Black men, but I was always too scared or thought it was my DUTY (lol) to have a Black family.  I remember a few years ago a White doctor approached me and gave me his card. I was talking to someone at the time (a Black drug dealer/college student) so I held onto the card but didn't call. When I finally was ready to call the doctor months later, I had lost the card he gave me!! LOL, I was sooooo mad at myself. I have not met another doctor of any race since!  Thinking of that story makes me realize I had to wake up! I am not getting any younger, here I am in my mid twenties, a future pharmacist, and I was being unscrupulous in dating.
 
That is why I love this blog, Evia, you really connect the dots for women like me.  My current boyfriend is great, a huge improvement from who I dated before, but he has his faults, and I realize now that I can't ignore them. He makes decent money, but if I fulfill my career goals, I would be making more than him. I realize that it's ok for me to consider things like this, and actually I was wondering if you could give me a bit of advice on this.
 
Another reason I that I love your blog is that it helped me calm the shame, frustration and hurt I felt when I would be at a mall or store and 80% of the Black men there would be there with their white or non-black significant others. It helped me to stop being angry or jealous of these women and enabled me to form healthy relationships with non-Black women.
 
Thanks so much Evia, for sharing this vital information.
 
-T.

________________________________________________________

T., I'm happy that you feel you're in a safety zone now, but that thing inside you that caused you to fall into the clutches of those DBRs, could still make you stumble again.  Be very careful and always think with your BRAIN. Make  all IMPORTANT decisions with your brain--not your heart. These DBRs made an attempt to break you down, break your spirit.  I can tell from your note that you have a certain type of tender, innocent spirit and I can tell that these males savaged you. But still you ROSE! So they didn't get the victory! Consider yourself fortunate because a lot of women get broken down so badly and  never rise again.

You should not be with any man for more than a minute if he doesn't lift you up at least 90% of the time. Yes, I have arguments with my husband.  We have had our battles, but that's in that 10%.  The rest of the time, he lifts me up and makes me feel good. He makes me happy and I go out of my way to make him happy too.

You knew you weren't feeling good with both of those DBRs. So only you know why you stayed with them. You didn't have children and you're young. You're in the prime of your life as a young, educated female!!  But you don't know how to play your cards, and this is why you gave them some of the very best days and weeks (and maybe months) of your life. Since they say, 'never say never,' I may one day end up with a DBR man--like when I'm 116 and only have one tooth left in my mouth and wearing a diaper, but I'd never give my youth to any DBR--EVER!  I'd much rather be alone because at least I wouldn't have anyone pulling me down or making me feel bad.  Loneliness is a lot better, IMO, than being torn to pieces.

Bw who're reading this--DO NOT GIVE YOUR YOUTH AWAY FOR CHEAP--like this young woman did.  It's the strongest card a woman has been given. You can negotiate all kinds of deals when you're young that most women (depending on how well they've taken care of themselves) will not be able to get to the table to discuss when they're older.  Women--take care of yourselves at all time!  SELF-CARE is #1. Only mingle with Quality men. If you can't associate with Quality men, then stay away from ALL men because an experience or two with a DBR will leave you emotionally (if not physically) battered, untrusting, and maybe even bitter.  The next guy--who may be a good guy--will get what is left of you after the DBR finishes with you. That's robs you and the next guy of a good chance at a relationship. Many women who've been emotionally scarred by a man are never even able to relax enough to receive the love of another man.

Okay,  I hear what you're saying about the major income discrepancy or the potential for it between you and your boyfriend.  I will discuss your situation in the first podcast/presentation when Minerva (Vera's actual name) and I talk about the Romance--Finance connection.

Living Well: Tip of the Ship, Other Must-Read Sites, Social Graces, Hilarious Note, Articles

Copyright 2009 Eve Sharon Moore

The choice of a mate or intimate partner is the singlemost important decision that any woman makes in her life, especially when there are to be children. If the woman chooses wisely, she and her children will soar, but if she chooses poorly, she and her children will suffer, for generations!                                                                                                     Eve Sharon Moore

Prudence and Jerry Inzerillo ( She is president of South African Tourism, USA and he is Exec. Vice Pres. of Sun International ) seen here with Grace Hightower and husband, Robert DeNiro (Actor)

  Thanks, Felicia!  I love it that these are regular looking bw who are all glammed up. Many AA women would and do look just like these women when we're glammed up.

Black women--Choose a QUALITY man. If you remember me for nothing else, please remember me for this bit of advise above, and pass it on to your daughters and other bw you know and care about. It is of the greatest value now and it will ALWAYS be of the greatest value to ANY woman--thousands of years from now.

Don't let anyone else choose your mate for you or point you in the wrong direction on this decision! That is, unless they're offering you an INSURANCE POLICY that will pay you big bucks when the man they persuaded you to be with abandons you and your children. You've watched this going on around you enough. You KNOW the drill.  The next time someone tries to tell you who you should love and/or who you should allow to love you, ask them for that insurance policy or INSIST that they sign a contract in which THEY vow to be there to perform his role, when he doesn't. I mean that!  That will shut them up real fast because words are nothing but hot air if there's nothing backing them up.

  I know you might think I'm joking about that, but I'm not.  Someone needs to start an insurance company for bw and their children called the AA Women and Children Abandonment Insurance Company, so that y'all gullible bw and your children will have a safety net when the bottom falls out of your fantasy. And all of these folks who're telling you to rescue and lay up with a typical felon should have to pay the insurance premiums.

This is serious business. The life you're living is not a dress rehearsal.  As an AA woman, you don't have multiple chances to get it right.  Your unborn children are depending on YOU to choose a Quality man as their father.  That's the best gift you can give a child aside from health and good mothering.

  As I've often pointed out: Your-life-depends-on-YOUR-decisions. Life is real. Life is NOT fair and it's NOT easy, and it's lived in real time.   99.9999% of the time when the flawed advise of these others hits the fan, you're going to need $$$$$$ and other types of constant support to get you and keep you and your children out of the jaws of suffering. Do you really believe these folks will be there for you? Ha! Most of the time, these other folks will deny that they even told you anything. Or they'll say that you're a grown person and that you didn't have to follow their advice. LOL!  I've seen this play out a bunch of times. This is quite a diabolical situation that some of y'all are in or are about to get into because so many of you are listening to self-serving people who you actually trust.

There are so many social INDICATORS that point to the fact that the AA Titanic has already sunk. Only the tip of the ship is above water. You may not realize it, but many savvy AAs already got off the ship, quite some time ago. They didn't want to alarm you by telling you that the ship was sinking. LOL!  Do you blame them?  After all, many AAs get furious when someone dares to point out  stark reality. Magical thinking is oh-so comfy.  Others are struggling right now to get off the tip of the ship that is still above water. 

But the masses of AAs apparently have no idea that they are already underwater.  They do know that they keep coughing and gasping for air. They do feel like they're suffocating or feel like sludge.  And then there are some folks who could point you to the tip, but won't do it because they don't want you to escape. They know you can swim, but they can't or won't try to swim. So they know there's no point in them trying to get off the ship. They'd rather you go under with them than escape. Still, other AAs  are there trying to keep you in place so that you can help them to escape. The Titanic is a great analogy for the present condition of AAs.   There are many categories of AAs on the ship, and since life is complex, there is overlapping of these categories.  You've got to break loose now and swim as fast as possible because the tip will not be above water much longer.

As a slight aside and speaking of similar advise, someone sent me the link to Sara's Blog of Interracial Love and Spice latest blogpost this morning where she's discussing another venomous piece of musical crud that's aimed a bw. You can also go over there and comment if you have something intelligent to say. Remember AA women: Do NOT say anything publicly that doesn't serve your best interests and that of other bw--in the short and long run. Think and talk strategically--especially in any public forum.

To BLACK WOMEN--I just got another note about some of the flack Sara is dealing with on her current blogpost. Here's what I have to say about it. In general,  I think that some of you think that ALL wm have powerful, aggressive, CONQUEROR type egos. There is no such thing as that  when a man is ***earnestly*** relating to a woman emotionally and intimately. The ego of any man--at a time like that--is quite frail.  I think that some of you think that because wm--as a group--are powerful, his feelings can't even be hurt. Some of you think ALL wm have 'teflon' feelings and 'superman' egos. LOL!  This is why some of you think that wm should just "step to you" without you giving him any green light or any indication that you're winnable.  You're thinking of him as some sort of conquering wm and this is why you think he should just take the risk of getting rejected.

MANY bw are clueless and very confused about the emotional makeup of wm.  They tend to see ALL wm as ONE because  they've had so little non-work or non-school contact with wm in other realms of life. White men are (gasp) INDIVIDUALS  just like all AA women are INDIVIDUALS. The typical AA woman knows next to nothing about the 'regular' guy wm emotionally, whereas she knows volumes about the 'regular guy' AA man emotionally because so many people have slanted her towards the AA man. This is why she and some women of other groups are willing to tiptoe around the ego of a bm, no matter what he does or doesn't do, but will not cut wm slack at all.

Even Bill Gates has a frail ego when it comes to relating to a woman he's romantically interested in.  Barack Obama has a frail ego when it comes to dealing with Michelle on that emotional, intimate level.  I KNOW this because I know lots about men. AA women, as you encounter men in the global village, always keep in mind that:****** A man's power in other realms of life has absolutely NOTHING to do with how he relates to a woman on an emotionallly intimate level  because he is in his most vulnerable state when he's approaching her or relating on that level.  That is, IF he's relating to her earnestly.******* Don't expect for ANY man who is relating to you earnestly to have a teflon/superman ego at a time like that.

I am NOT talking about men who are playa-types because men who are playa types are NOT relating to you earnestly. They're not risking anything REAL. Therefore, it doesn't crush them when you reject them.  It is, however, quite bruising to ANY earnest man of any race/group when you reject him. This is why many earnest guys wait for some sort of green light--like a little smile, friendliness, lighthearted interaction, multiple chitchats, or sometimes all it takes is multi-second eye contact. I'm talking specifically about the earnest guys. Guys who are more of the playa-types don't need any of that.

None of this guarantees that a guy who is NOT interested or not available will  be interested in you or approach you, however, just like I and you have not been interested in some men who were interested in us.  Men are no different.

Here's a link to another site that I just received called FOR THE SISTAS. From a brief scan of it, it seems to have a emotional support/spiritual bent.  Check it out and show your support because she's supporting YOU.  She's helping to get the word out.

To Halima, CW,  Pinky, Sara, etc.,  I'll be sticking all of your sites in my sidebar in a day or so. Pls let me know if you'd object to them being there.  Readers, please check back to check out these other fabulous sites where the interracial option is explored and discussed along with the many penetrating comments.  And get ready for my Book 1 in paperback form from Amazon very shortly.  I know some of you have been requesting it in book form, so I've finally gotten around to getting it ready.

Only undisciplined or foolish people say everything they think, particularly when their words dig holes for them. You never know when you're going to step in a hole you've dug. As I was often told as a child: "If you have nothing intelligent to say, then don't talk."  That taught me to think before I said anything. I'm an AA woman. I promote the interests of AA women because no one else is representing OUR interests and you KNOW that. If you're an AA woman and you're not promoting your own interests--FIRST and FOREMOST, then you're suicidal. 

There are bw who have declared themselves to be facilitators, promoters, and protectors of the interests of black female and male misogynists. At least, they've declared themselves.  The ones who do AA women the most harm are the ones who "pretend" to be wandering cluelessly and who pretend that they're just saying what's on their minds.  But do you notice how that cluelessness never promotes and protects the interests of AA women. Just by the law of averages, it ought to promote the interests of bw at least half of the time.  Shouldn't it?  LOL!   Hmmmm--that's what I learned in my finite math class. That class taught me a lot about 'supposed' random occurrences and such non-puzzling phenomena as this wandering cluelessness. Don't believe this hype. There's a pattern there.

To those AA women who plan to survive and thrive--you've got to promote and protect YOUR interests FIRST AND FOREMOST at e-v-e-r-y opportunity. AA women are down to the wire now.  It's up to y'all to get the word out about the CONTENT of the critically important discussions we're having on these blogs. Read through the content.  Pull out what's of value and trash the rest.  Most of YOU know when you're reading value and truth about bw's lives.  Even if a woman doesn't listen the first time, just keep on dropping knowledge on her. The fact is that those bw who have more knowledge about what promotes bw's interests--DO better.  They make better decisions about what's best for THEM.  Our discussions on certain blogsites are saving lives, giving MANY bw the knowledge and tools or the antidote they need to combat some of the devaluing poison and outright lies they're fed regarding themselves.

Also, bw: now that the misogynists have learned that some of you are savvy about their BIG lies, they now engage in slipping in the "small" unobtrusive lies--the type of lies that go unnoticed by some; the type that won't raise a ruckus, but will still do enormous damage if left unchecked. Be on the lookout for the small lies. FLAG those lies and rip them to pieces!  I hope that bw and those who appreciate bw will not believe anything negative they read about bw--no matter how factually and intellectually it may be presented UNLESS it has numerous valid sources to PROVE it. These tactics are used to poison and weaken AA women, to rob AA women of self-esteem, so that they can't escape and can be easily used.  Other tactics are used to deliberately smear AA women so that no other men will want us.

Quality wm-especially.  Many of the smear tactics of these male and female black misogynists are aimed specifically at you. Considering the population ratio (74% whites/whiteskinned to 13% AA), they are deathly afraid that some of you will actually step up and form loving relationships and marriages with AA women. Their greatest fear is actually taking place. Just look at that ratio. They know there are many of you who actually are interested in AA women.  It wouldn't take many of you at all to marry all of the AA women who are interested in marrying out.  That's the GREATEST fear of these black  misogynists. LOL! This is why, even while the rate of bw-wm relationships and marriages is steadily rising, they keep drumming into bw's ears over and over that y'all just want bw for sex and won't marry bw.  I've been married to Darren for years, but even with a wedding ring on my finger and with all the trimmings of a normal marital life, some blacks keep slyly trying to make me believe that Darren is "up to something." SMH 

Bw--This is also why some of my detractors keep saying that I'm lying about being married to Darren or other seeds of doubt that they try to plant. Even if I presented a video of us getting married along with the marriage certificate, they would still claim that it's all lies.  Whenever I've read their far out speculations over the past 3 years, I always chuckle because I know the life I live, but I also realize that they're actually trying to plant seeds of doubt in YOUR heads. YOU are their target. They hate the fact that I talk openly about being married to a Quality wm. I'm sure that sends some of them to the bathroom.

Heads up, y'all. While many black folks talk about this character called  'de evil wm,' the fact is that some self righteous black folks are quite evil themselves.

Bw--Please SPREAD THE WORD!!  AA women ARE valuable; AA women ARE lovable; AA women ARE desirable. Do NOT let these black misogynists who target bw win.  And they WILL win if you don't get busy.  And never give up--no matter what. The misogynists know that the spirits of SOME indoctrinated bw are already low. Stress to these confused, low-spirited bw that they cannot afford to have a pity-party with these misogynists because they're being set up to be used. You've got to also remind these women of their value and their worth and encourage them to develop themselves in every way, which will increase their value. Every positive thing you do for yourself increases your value.

I would absolutely love it if every AA woman who desires marriage could get married to a Quality man--LOL!--but the fact is that even if a man never asks you to marry him, you will have a much higher quality life if you're a developed woman.  So you can never lose by doing whatever it takes to develop yourself in every way. Nothing that you learn is ever lost.  LEARNING more and more and developing yourself to the max should be on every AA woman's front burner.

And if AA and similar bw are so less-than and as terrible as the male and female misogynists try to paint us, then WHY are they trying SO HARD to hang onto us? What are AA women DOING FOR THEM that would make them constantly kick us, yet still be trying desperately with all of their might to hang on to us.  Just think about that DOING part.  Hmmmmmm? Doesn't that tell you the real deal?  The next time you run upon one of these "bw ain't this or that" characters, then point out to him/her that it only makes them look stupid as heck to try to hang onto a bunch of women who ain't this or that. 

I KNOW I'm only too happy to cut loose ALL of the DBRs out there. I WANT debris to float away.  Wouldn't it be stupid for me to blast them as worthless and then try to hang on to them?

Also always keep in mind that WHEN you choose a Quality partner, much of this information that we impart on these blogs won't even be relevant. A loving and lovable Quality man (not talking about teenage boys or very young men) from any background already knows how to treat you, for the most part. You only have to discuss minor details with him.  He already knows how to assume his role as a man. You won't need to teach him the basics or get into arguments with him about what he's supposed to be doing. Trust me.  It's MUCH easier being in a relationship with a Quality man. It's actually a VERY freeing experience. This applies to Quality men from everywhere. This is why most savvy women of other groups--if not restricted--willingly and eagerly cross racial, ethnic, religious, political, and geographic lines for Quality men despite all ballyhooing to the contrary.  The rewards are worth it because these women know that this is a woman's singlemost important decision she will ever make for herself and for her children.

So I just wanted to stick in that Shout Out to Sara, my sista blogger.  She is over there as usual Laying-IT-Down. Her blog is also one of the many MUST READ blogs that I'll be mentioning more. I don't get a chance to get around much in the blogosphere but I took a break yesterday morning from formatting the essays and got over there.  Please read her blog!  It's so interesting that some of my detractors thought/think that Sara and I are the same person. LOL!  But they tend to also think that I and every other bw who expresses common sense are ONE person. SMH  They simply cannot or don't want to face the fact that a LOT of us AA women out there have their own brains and can think for themselves. This is because many AA women never tell the AA collective how they really feel about certain things. Remember though that it's really foolish and even  dangerous to think that  bw are not thinking, just because they're not talking. "All shut eyes ain't sleep."

Anyway, to get back to what I was saying, when I was a junior in college, and in my early 20s, I realized that I wanted to get married.  And I also wanted to have children--in that order. I had decided that I would not have children if, for some reason, I couldn't get married. I knew that I couldn't handle raising children on my own, and I wanted to give my children the best life possible.  I believe it's evil to make defenseless children suffer unnecessarily, if you--their so-called loving parent--can prevent it.

Therefore, I began to look closely at the guys I dated or socialized with. I had always dated and socialized with Quality men because I didn't allow non-Quality men to be in my life for more than a minute. I did pal around with gal pals that did some questionable things but I knew how to stop their stuff from spilling on me. LOL!  But I never tolerated non-quality males in my life.  ALL of the males I socialized with were in college or had graduated and were doing things. ALL of those males, however, were non--AA men. In NYC, there's a WIDE variety of men. I'm not saying that  there weren't any AA males at my college; our trains just ran on different tracks.  I partyed a lot too, but I also believe in getting good grades and in graduating.

Anyway, about a year after I began to scrutinize guys as marriage material, I met my first husband. I carefully vetted him, but one of the things that made me decide to be his wife--amid all of the usual excitement of romance--was that he came from a background that loved and valued children. He was/is a West African man, and I knew from my research that those guys will actually steal their children from the woman if things go badly in the relationship.  This was a BIG plus with me--a man who loved and valued his children so much until he was willing to steal them. LOL!  Some women are afraid of African men for that reason, but not me!  That told me that whatever happened between me and him, he would ALWAYS be there for his children.

That's something I'll be including in my InterCultural Relationships section.  In other words, my children's welfare didn't depend on whether he wanted or loved me forever.  After all, why should it?  Things happen between men and women.  The relationship goes south sometimes, but that has nothing to do with the children.  I knew that I could always love and marry another man and he could always love and marry another woman, but a child can only have ONE bio mom and dad. He, of course felt the same way.  So I married him and we packed up everything including the refrigerator and car and shipped them to Nigeria.  I was planning to live there forever with him, however circumstances had other things in mind for us. Despite the fact that the marriage didn't last forever, my life in Nigeria and afterward changed my outlook on life--in a positive way--forever.

And speaking of the InterCultural Relationships section, please read my last essay about the type of pics that I want,  and send me pics for it if and when you run across them. Some people complain that I don't post pics of certain combinations of couples, but I post the pics that people send me.  So, please send the pics for that section.  InterCultural Relationships made up the bulk of my relationships with men and those relationships were very memorable ones that helped to shape my interests in certain qualities and traits in men. 

Bw--this falls high up on the list of Vetting a man.  A Quality man ***shows*** that he VALUES his children, and that has nothing to do with you. When you're with a man, you've got to listen to how he talks about children.  His feelings for children should not hinge on you or your feelings for the children. A man's children are his seed. A Quality man is NEVER going to walk away and leave his seed defenseless in an environment that he continues to denounce as hostile.  So you must explore his background as regards children, his family background, and other influences on him. Does he make excuses for why another man abandoned his children?  That's a red flag right there. There is no reason, short of a shotgun pointed at his head, why a MAN would abandon his children. No matter what anyone says, YOU cannot afford to be with this type of man.

 For ex., I love my children beyond what any words can convey, no matter what Darren does or doesn't do to me or for me in the future, and he, conversely, feels the same way about children. During the early stages of my relationship with Darren, I seriously vetted him about that, among many other things. I came up with all kinds of scenarios.  LOL! I even asked him, "What if one of the children turns out at birth missing a developed brain or other body parts?" He assured me that we would deal with whatever happened "together" since the child would be our flesh and blood. I knew he meant it.

I had a girlfriend whose ex-husband would refuse to take his son on outings if she refused to talk with him or if they argued about something on the phone!!!! They had joint-custody, but this boy's father would actually not show up to get his son if he knew she wasn't going to be there when he came to get the boy. He used his son to get attention from his ex-wife!!  Sometimes, she would cater to the man because she didn't want her son to be disappointed but eventually that didn't work anymore.That boy is now a young adult and he hasn't done well in life.

I know we should 'never say never,' but that would not happen with either my ex or with Darren or the probability is extremely slim. But this is the result of vetting these men on my part.  You must ALWAYS vet any man BEFORE you become intimate with him. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your unborn children because any time you become intimate with a man, you could get pregnant.  Nature is light years more powerful than any contraceptive that humans will ever devise. 

 I learned very early in life that a non-quality man--not just can but--is virtually guaranteed to take a woman down a notch or all the way to the bottom. I had watched this happening among some of my female first cousins and some of the other women I knew. So I DECIDED even before I became an adult that I would NEVER allow this to happen to me.  After all, it's not like it's a surprise when you see it happening so much. LOL!

And for those bw who keep saying that they don't know how to vet a man because they've never encountered a real man at any point in their upbringing or in their social experiences, I have to say I don't quite understand what exactly you mean. I'm not being critical; I just don't get it.  To me that's like saying that since I didn't grow up eating formal 8-course meals, that I don't know which fork I should eat my salad with when there are several forks next to my plate at a fancy restaurant. I LEARNED which fork to use or the order of the forks. There are books; there are movies, there is mainstream life everywhere that you can observe.  I mean, maybe you didn't grow up in a neighborhood where you saw men taking women out to dinner, but how is it that you don't know that a typical guy is supposed to take you out to dinner (of whatever value) or bring you a small gift, etc. or hold the umbrella if you're walking with him in the rain, or etc. if he appreciates your company and respects you? Why would you allow him to just lay up at your house and not take you out?  If he tells you that he can go over to so and so woman house and doesn't have to take her out--THEN LET HIM GO to so-so's house!  Good riddance! You think you can't get any other male? Is that why?

See, this is why I KNOW that unless some of you are presented with knowledge that there's a global village of Quality men out there and some of them would be interested in getting to know you, many of you will continue to accept the scraps.  Folks, if you care even a tiny amount about the welfare of the many young, unexposed or underexposed AA women in this country and similar places, please encourage them to develop themselves and urge them to get outside her usual environment. There is no diversity of thought inside the typical AA construct; it's just piles and piles of the same--mainly dysfunctional--thinking drilled in and reinforced constantly.

And this whole business of a man talking on the phone to his ex while in your presence--DO NOT ALLOW IT.  One of the young women who I'm coaching had an experience with that last week.  If that occurs to  you, do your best to follow this advice:  Get up and leave or ask him to pull the car over if you're in a car with him. Get out ASAP and get the bus or train home or call someone to pick you up.  The point is that when you're with a man who has not committed to you, you need to ALWAYS be ready to go if he does something disrespectful or even mildly abusive. ALWAYS have your parachute. As they say, "It's a sorry mouse that only has one hole." 

When I went to live in Africa with my ex-husband, I always had my return plane ticket ready, just in case, and he knew it.  So even if you're married to him, NEVER allow him to start disrespecting you! When a man knows that if he ever disrespects you or mistreats you, that you're prepared to walk out of his life--forever, you'd be surprised at how well he'll treat you. He'll do his best to treat you well.  But you have to be serious about this.  Don't threaten what you can't or won't do--because it's human nature to test others.

 I know that some of this sounds old-fashioned or "quaint," but guess what?  MOST people are still following this script or this rulebook.  As KHADIJA pointed out the other day on her blog--if a man who is your date, boyfriend, husband, -- respects you and if you respect yourself, you do NOT, for ex.,  allow him to curse around you in public and you don't engage in public cursing.  What people do or don't do behind closed doors is private, but there's a big difference between public and private behavior and people reared in a certain way KNOW that.

As Khadija pointed out, guys of a certain age and class KNOW that they're not supposed to curse in the presence of women or older people.  I mean if an occasional word slips out, that's quite different than if a man sprinkles his speech with foul language. That's still a violation of the social graces that separates human beings from wild animals.  For ex., a male horse may pass gas right in the face of a female horse or around elderly horses, but a man of a certain class and age will NEVER do that.  I know things have changed to an extent, but only to an extent.  Public cursing is considered more masculine behavior, but violates the social graces in most societies.  This has nothing to do with having or not having money.

I realize that some folks consider this bougie talk, and you can dismiss it if you plan to hang out with lowlifes of any group, but if you plan on truly being upwardly mobile, you'd better know and observe minimal social rules like these.  These are general rules that are observed across ALL cultures among people of a certain class and/or background.  When I lived in Africa, I saw people following these social rules, and many of these people were very poor people. The poor Africans I mingled with were as genteel and refined as the wealthy Africans, or as much or moreso than genteel people you'd find anywhere.  Poverty is NO excuse for being crude and not observing the social graces.

  These are things that you can learn from reading or observing.  Lots of women in the world didn't grow up observing these social rules, but they learned these things from observing others. YOU must learn what you need to move ahead.  STOP with the excuses.

Also, I want to stick in a note that I received in response to my last blog. Y'all this note is HILARIOUSLY sad.

Evia,
 
 I'm reading your latest entry and one portion stuck out to me. You said:
 
"No other group of women in the world, aside from AA women, consider themselves responsible for saving the men or holding together their community, mainly on their own."
 
Evia, this almost made me scream, "thank you," because I recently said something very similar in a FB conversation with some Black males.  A friend of mine posted a note that observed that he often saw Black women tear each other down with the, "she th(a)nk she cute," and "she ain't all that," routines.  Part of my reply stated that I also saw a lot of this tomfoolery and I honestly thought much of it was because of the fact that most Black women have to compete for a small pool of available Black men.  The first man to respond lovingly admonished me to simply "pray," "not focus on the thing [I] do not have and embrace the things I do, and things will eventually fall into place.  I quickly let him know that it was not my intention for people to think that I was participating in any competition for Black men's feelings.  Oh no, that's beneath me.  Of course, that silenced him.  The next Black man said, AND I FREAKIN QUOTE!!!:
 
"This why black women should be at the forefront of the movement to end the drug war in America.  Ladies,you want more choices in black men and don't want to have to "man share"?  Get off your azzes, get politically involved and speak up.  The war on drugs and the violence that comes with it has taken an entire generation of young black men out of society and into jails and cemeteries."
 
Needless to say, a sista [me] got LIVID up in there!
 
"Wait a minute! It is NOT the responsibility of Black women to fix the mess created by Black male criminals. Although the WOD [war on drugs] certainly does unfairly target the Black community, most of the incarcerated were still guilty of some sort of criminal behavior (or hanging out with criminals) and those are NOT the kind of men Black women need to be bothered with anyway! Running around behind jailbird-ass-n*ggas is how Jennifer Hudson's sister has caused her family so much pain. The best indicator of future behavior is PAST BEHAVIOR.  I WISH I would date some dude who's been all up in jail!  Ugh!  Besides, Black men have PLENTY of people standing up for them (i.e. the rush to help the Jena 6, while Shaquanda Cotton was largely ignored by the Black community. Or the fact that Al Sharpton actually spoke out in SUPPORT of the monsters who perpetrated the Dunbar Village attack because he “didn’t want to see more young Black men in jail.” So, you want to leave those monsters out to savage more Black women and children?!? I guess that shows how much we mean to y’all.  Smh...)
 
If Black women decide to come out en masse in support of anything, it should be healthcare, education, and/or pay equity! Black women need to be more concerned with the fact that Black women are dropping like flies from AIDS and that our young women have so little self-esteem that they allow themselves to be used, than what some lazy azz simple Negroes are doin!

We MUST STOP the infantilization of Black males! It does a total disservice to YOU GUYS when Black women make excuses for your behavior.  GROW UP! You’re a MAN! Make a decision NOT to be a criminal. If you can’t make those types of decisions for yourselves, then please don’t expect to be treated as anything other than CRIMINALS.  We don't owe them anything! If Black women want to stop “man-sharing” then they should just STOP! Just STOP messing with men who will not commit! Realize that you can truly do bad all by yourself, you don’t need help! Hell, shed the dead weight and you'll probably do better!  Plus, Black men have shown us that Black folks ain’t the only fish in the sea…"
 
He came back with some lame azz response about how its funny that some Black folks can complain about Black criminals but not say anything about the "corporate giants" that kill Black people everyday.  He actually used McDonald's as an example.  I promptly told all of them to kick rizzocks!  (Luckily this isn't a random chat board.  I grew up with the guy who posted it and he KNOWS better than to let someone disrespect me anywhere.  Although he has been trying to kick it to me lately as if I don't see that his relationship status constantly changes from, "it's complicated," to "single," to "in a relationship" within a 2-month period.  "Naw sweetie, we can't go anywhere and have drinks," is what I told him!)
 
All in all, even though I don't need my truth to be validated, it feels good when it is!  I truly knew that I was hardly alone when I read your aformentioned statement!  Thanks again!

S
____________________________________________________________________________

LOL!!! OMG--he actually compared McDonald's to that creature who killed Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and nephew? LOL!!!!!!!!!  Whew!  Thank you for educating some folks in that forum and helping some bw to at least critically think about vetting men and separating a man's role from theirs!  So he believes that bw should be at the FOREFRONT of the war on drugs. Some of this falls under the heading of Vetting.

Why doesn't it occur to this guy that as a man, he's ******EXPECTED******* to be the LEADER, at least--in this patriarchal world.  A lot of these males' want to be recognized by bw as the LEADER or "the head," but they do NOT perform the role of the LEADER or "the head." You do NOT become leader because of your gender; you become the leader because of your BEHAVIOR.

Now y'all can check this out:  Men in other races, ethnic groups, cultures, societies, etc. are not recognized as leaders or "the head" because of their ****gender****.  The 'leaders' and 'heads' actually earn the title of 'leader' and 'heads' by their BEHAVIOR.  The vast bulk of the males in those groups PERFORM the role of leader or head and assume those responsibilities. That's why they're recognized as the 'leaders' and 'heads.'

I've actually heard some AA males complain that bw won't ***LET*** them be the leaders or "the head."  I don't understand why  the real MEN among AA men (those silent ones) don't pounce on males who utter pathetic things like that. What jumps quickly into my head is: How can a woman LET a MAN be a 'leader' or a 'head'? If someone has to GIVE you permission, then that person is STILL in charge! A man  SHOWS that he's the leader or the head by his BEHAVIOR of assuming responsibilities as the leader or the head and PERFORMING the role.  No one has to ***let*** him do anything.

For ex, speaking out and rallying others against drug dealers is very dangerous. The men of no other group that I've ever heard of, read about, or observed would expect for the women of their group to assume the leadership role in this type of endeavor.  Some AA women and men obviously want to gloss over these types of deficiencies in the thinking of this typical AA male and just say: "love the brothas," but no sensible AA woman is going to do that for long. This is a typical type of utterance from an AA male. This is why he said it. It's "normal" to him.  He's used to hearing and saying ridiculous things like that and it's rarely ever challenged. It's normal and typical for notions like this to circulate in an AA social and mental construct.

And even if an AA woman does her best to tolerate this type of deficient thinking from her AA man,  she-is-not-going-to-RESPECT-that-man.  How is she going to respect a man who's pushing her out front into the leadership or the head role in this and many other aspects of life.  I would like for someone to explain to me what is the ROLE of the AA man, since so many folks seem to believe that the AA woman is supposed to do practically everything.

How MASCULINE of him to want bw to be at the forefront! Whew!  I'm almost beyond words. Raise your hand out there if you're a woman who could ever be turned on by such a piece of MASCULINE specimen as this. SMH

BW--As I said, this falls under the heading of vetting men.   As I said, I would love for all of you to get married because there are wonderful emotional, social, financial, spiritual, and other benefits for women and men in an average marriage for now and for later on in your lives--whether you have children or not, but it's NOT going to work to just have a grown male in the house--IF he's not performing his role.  You've got to VET all males.

But there you have it, folks. A lot of those guys think that way--that  AA women need to raise male children alone, socialize boys to be men, and now to be at the forefront of fighting drug dealers and clean up crime in the bc. Pure Role Reversal.  Did it even occur to him to wonder what the men are supposed to be doing while the women are fighting on the forefront? That apparently didn't even occur to him and it didn't occur to him that you, (the notewriter) could even think beyond what he said. 

 The amount of ignorance out there has reached way beyond the critical level.  And these are the kinds of lame-brained characters who get mad at me because I won't allow them to make comments here.  Come on!  And I'll bet a guy like him would get ticked off if a typical bw refused to go out with him.   I mean, what could a woman with any intelligence possibly talk about with somebody like him? If a man is thinking on such a low level like that, what could he possibly teach his son or his children, period?

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 ARTICLE:  The Role Black Mothers Play in Their Daughter's Oppression

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ARTICLE: Single Black Women Choosing to Adopt

Thanks, S for this article about single black women adopting and I totally agree when you said.

"While I think adoption is a wonderful thing and I support women who want to do so, once again, here's another sob story about po' single black women who never found a black man and had to adopt alone.
 
Not I, said the cat!
 
Just thought I'd send it along though... I totally can read between the lines here. Even though the intent is to be a "positive" article, it paints a negative picture of AA women's desirability on the marriage market... and there's lots of skin shade racism to be found!"
 
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/07/01/bia.single.black.women.adopt/index.html

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Thanks Lorraine for this note about READY TO BE A WIFE EMPOWERMENT SEMINAR.  I'll just bet I know who she has in mind as the husbands. LOL!  But for those women who want to check it out, here it is. 

 LINK for Information