Thanks, PK for this Link to this couple's marriage pics. BEAUTIFUL!
Natasha and John
Okay, here I am again making it PLAIN in this loooonnng article. LOL!
[Btw, I have had over well over 5 million site visitors (closer to 6 mil. and a lot more Facebook "likes" than are shown in my sidebar, but my "likes" got split between my regular FB regular page and my FB "fan" page.
Does anyone know how to easily fix that? I'm almost at the point of deleting BOTH FB pages. LOL!]
Anyway--I’m SO warmed by the fact that many of you find value in my common sense views, but at the same time, please know that I do what I do here to record certain current events and to express my views on these events, as I perceive them.
There are critical currents in this country now that will have far-reaching legs into the future for AAbw and I think that these events must be recorded. But these events are fluid; they can change direction at any time--based on the will of AA women. Nothing has been decided, YET. So, in this way, we each--as individuals-- and as a part of any group have the power to determine much of our own destiny.
I believe that AAbw are tremendously important people in this particular country. Despite any and all attempts by even some AAbw who support the erasure or minimizing of us, we are here and the fact is we've been key contributors and shapers of the most progressive aspects of this society. We would be supremely foolish if we allow others to erase women who look like us and minimize or distort that legacy.
For ex., I was aghast recently to hear of a social media exchange where AAbm said they surely hoped that no "ugly" bw (an "ugly" woman to a typical AAbm usually = dark-skinned woman with tightly coiled hair and a non-pointy nose) would be chosen to play Harriet Tubman in a movie. They wanted a "pretty" biracial women like Paula Patton or Halle Berry to play the role of Ms. Tubman. Mind you that none of this is Paula, Halle, or any other biracial woman's fault. They can't help how they look.
Powerhouse BWE writer, Khadija, has highlighted this sad situation in a series of articles like HERE, where she references an article written by another BWE writer named One Less Soldier (OLS). OLS is another writer of must-read articles about the predicament of many AA women and she--alike Khadija and I--poses do-able solutions. Fab-u-lous! Take some time to read and chew on her many penetrating pieces and all of that wisdom! Just Wow!
Obviously many typical AAbm salivate over women who look like Paula Patton and Halle Berry and think that bw who look more like Harriet Tubman, Fannie Lou Hamer, Barbara Jordan, Cicely Tyson were what they call: "ugly" and they therefore feel these darker women should be erased from the public's memory or --God forbid--never, ever seen on TV, movie screens, in public or ever talked about for the simple reason that they were darker-skinned with wider noses and tightly-coiled hair.
But it was the greatly numerous AAbw like Ms. Tubman, Ms. Hamer, and Ms. Jordan whose contributions shaped me and made it possible for me and my children to be here. So, I will bring them to your attention whenever I choose, and it is up to AA women to make sure these women who look more like the rest of us are not erased--like in that movie "Red Tails." Erasing AAbw erases their contributions. Why should ANY bw make a contribution--only for it to be erased if her skin is not light enough or if her hair is not straight enough or if her noise is not sharp enough to pass the inspection of the colorism police which is manned heavily by color-struck, racially discriminatory black men. In that case, then all of the lighter skinned or whiter women should be the ones making ALL of the contributions.
Yes, there were lighter-skinned bw like Ms. Rosa Parks who made a massive contribution too towards the uplift of AAs. My maternal grandmother was a very light-skinned SC woman. But let's face it. It was mostly more stereotypically West African looking darker-skinned women who made our existence and survival today even possible in this country. What kind of insanity would even tempt anyone to throw all of that away to exalt a woman who looks like Paula Patton over Ms. Tubman--simply on the basis that Paula is lighter? My paternal grandmother almost looked exactly like Ms. Tubman. I WANT to see women who look like Ms. Tubman playing a woman who looks like Ms. Tubman on every screen because, unlike DBR AAbm and the AAbw who probably think the same way, I don't ever want my children or descendants to forget anything about Ms. Tubman, Ms. Hamer, or the numerous other AAbw who are now unknown and unsung sheroes.
And in 2014, it is NOT white peoples' fault that so many African Americans cling to and won't purge themselves of the notion that they think that women who look like Paula Patton are beautiful and those who look like Harriet Tubman aren't. Another part of this is that white people have the right to consider women who look like them to be beautiful and to put white women's beauty on a pedestal just like black people or Asians or Indians have the right to consider their women the most beautiful.
I've never heard a white person say this to black folks, but I wish that some of them WOULD flatout say this. LOL! I wish that POC would take responsibility for their views about themselves and stop making white people into gods and goddesses by acting like white people have the superhuman power to just think thoughts and those thoughts will travel in the heads of POC. LOL! The fact is that you have to be OPEN and willing to receive the thoughts of others in order for those thoughts to get in and take root. Whose fault is that? White people and no one else can make anyone think or believe anything UNLESS those people overwhelmingly cooperate. And if you, as an adult, overwhelmingly cooperate in your own destruction, then oh well--you're just a goner.
I've always thought like that. I, for ex., have viewed tons more images of white women exalted as beauties in magazines, TV, movies, etc., than any younger AAbw or any young AAbm, but I have never considered any white woman I've ever seen to be more beautiful than me. Yes, ww have their beauty in their category, but I have my beauty in my category. It's like comparing green to purple and saying that one is more beautiful. They're both beautiful. Both colors are what they should look like. Both of them are found in nature; they're both beautiful in their own way. Yet there're lots of folks out there savaging each other psychologically and physically mutilating themselves because they believe that purple looks better than green or that green is more beautiful than purple.
And I've advised that if you're a darker-skinned bw who just has to to get yourself one of those hawt DBR brothas, (and please, these males are NOT your brothers, or definitely not comrade in arms, in ANY way) then yeah, you need to practically swim everyday in skin bleach; then get yourself a pointier nose and buy the hair and a pair of green or blue contact lens won't hurt. No one is stopping you from doing that. Do it and be happy because that's almost guaranteed to work. Case closed. Stop complaining about these males. Just go and get those 3-4 things and you're almost guaranteed to be at home base with them. Most of them would overlook virtually any other flaws you may have. If I had to just have one of those males, I would just save up or borrow the money to get those 3-4 things done.
Thanks, FK for this link!
I'm serious about that because you only live once and you want what you want--for whatever reason. I'm giving y'all PERMISSION to go ahead and do that (if you need it, otherwise, why haven't you just done it?)
But you don't need to get online or on TV and talk about it. Just do it quietly. Get your man and y'all live happily ever after. Going on and on about this publicly has reached the point of overkill.
Okay, now--on to other things, slightly. LOL!
First, y’all know that my writings are largely done to urge and support the sustained uplift of bw, and NOT just in terms of marriage. Marrying CQLL men of any group is just one, key proven way history has shown that ushers in sustained uplift for women and children. Marriage has its flaws, but it’s the absolute best system that has been devised for the all-around betterment of men, women, and children. This, too, has been proven despite all the yapping about how marriage stinks.
So, let’s look at African-American black women (AAbw). No other group of bw worldwide (from what I’ve observed) are in the dire straits that African-American black women (AABW) are in. Not talking about money primarily, but AAbw and their children are the most impoverished demographic in the U.S. because the “community” that they invest(ed) in and thought was there to support, lift them up and provide sustained comfort, safety, and support has turned out to be one of the biggest poison pits, and mass of blood suckers and vultures faced by any group. And the men—African American BLACK men-- who AAbw thought would be their cheering squad and fiercest supporters, the men who they thought would stand in line to love, cherish, and adore them have proven to proportionally be the largest group of culprits who are dumping the most poison into the present-day pit.
I’m not referring to every single individual AA black man or AA black woman here. I’m talking about the aggregate.
Plainly said, AAbw—in aggregate--are the victims of a massive HOAX. It seems to me they ought to be able to sue somebody! LOL I mean, when companies dump poison into the earth, they can be sued. This has turned into one of the biggest hoaxes perpetrated by any large group of people AGAINST their own people or others in their own ethnic group. It’s ugly, but it’s fascinating at the same time, and since I’m a student of culture, I would love to hear from y’all if you know of other massive in-group hoaxes. LOL!
So, when y’all encounter AAbw who seem to be befuddled, dizzy, angry, and acting like they’re out of their minds and just don’t care, it’s because many are in the midst of the hoax and don’t know it, or are just becoming fully aware of this unbearably painful hoax, or they realize that they’re in it and know they’ll be trapped forever in it.
This hoax against AAbw is due to a well-employed strategy by the BLACK “community” with a litany of tactics that were used and are still being used by the BLACK “community” to program virtually all AA black females to support AA black males, to—when or if necessary--fully sacrifice themselves physically, financially, mentally, emotionally, healthwise, spiritually, and socially to guard, war for, and uplift black males and without any or no on-par RECIPROCITY from the males. The chief implementers of this program that mostly benefits black men have always been black WOMEN, themselves. I know we’ve been talking about this for years, but it’s still going on bigtime.
These days, “capeing/caping” has become the new colloquial term for this shielding, protecting, uplifting without RECIPROCITY process. Though lessening, you can readily read and hear on many websites and in the media where numerous AA black females continue to indirectly and directly “cape” for black males, whereas you very rarely find American black males voluntarily “capeing” for black females. To the typical AAbw, capeing for black males is like a reflex—whether it’s direct capeing or indirect.
For ex., I read recently on a site owned and run by bw where the bw—in the comments section--were applauding a young bw who has taken a warlike stance against privileged wm on her Ivy League school’s campus. The bw in the comments section were applauding her for being brave and saying they admired her skills and confidence. Well, yes, it’s wonderful to have those qualities, but she shouldn’t be using them to be a SOLO warrior against a group of the most wealthy, privileged and powerful males on the planet. These bw commenters were, in essence, encouraging black girls and bw to be sista soldjas, SOLO warriors against very powerful segments of the patriarchal machine like those males who WILL fight back and devour most of these typical LONE black women. Yet, not one of the bw in the comments section on this site ever asked the critical question: “Where are the black MEN on this campus?”
Warriors always get shot at. You can’t be a warrior unless you expect to get shot at. The males should have been the warriors on the front lines--or the grunts.
In warfare, the grunts are the front line solders. They are often the first soldiers shot at, shot down, or killed. They’re called “grunts” because that’s the only sound they usually make as their bodies are blown to bits by the first wave of bullets or other armament from the opposing forces.
BW—do not EVER willingly become a grunt. Only be a grunt if YOUR or your children’s life is on the line.
I’m just making it PLAIN. This is just reality and common sense.
This encouraging AA black WOMEN to be grunts is a sick and “othering” pattern. Whereas there is still immense resistance to ww and other non-AA women being grunts in the armed forces, typical AAs don’t see anything wrong with AAbw being grunts—whether in this country or anywhere. I would bet any amount of money that even ww who have proven to have ferocious combat ability or superb skills with weaponry are still held back from the front lines of combat, but typical AAs don’t see anything wrong with young or old AA women being put out there as grunts. As a matter of fact, when AA women balk at going into threatening situations, I’ve usually heard other AAs say, “Stop trying to act like a ww!” Or “Black girls aren’t supposed to cry.” This is the TYPICAL reaction; not just something that happens occasionally. I kid you not. This is the PROGRAM.
I’m going into detail about this so that some of y’all can see the under-belly of the workings of this pathological program and how it impacts the minds and behavior of unsuspecting AA girls and AAbw. You will often hear AAbw encouraging a LONE bw to be outspoken and to fight against white male and/or black male patriarchy, BUT when those males fight back against those LONE black women (and the males can be counted on to fight back and with massive force if needed—SURPRISE, SURPRISE--LOL), the other cowardly AAbw will usually fade like smoke and leave that LONE bw to take the full onslaught of the wrath of those men.
Exhibit 1: Ntozake Shange.
Exhibit 2: Alice Walker.
Exhibit 3: C. Dolores Tucker
And many, many, many others.
Another thing I want to make PLAIN here is that if you read black literature and history, the typical African American male was never programmed by the BLACK “community” and definitely not by whites to play the role of the uplifter, problem-solver, protector, or supporter of black females. This is a critical deficiency that many of these males have. Some AAbm have fortunately had capable fathers to model this role for them, but let’s face it: MOST haven't/don’t. This leaves a lot of them not KNOWING how to play this role, and they know it but won’t admit it. Even when they outwardly have the means to do it, they still don’t do it. AGAIN: They do not KNOW how. In general, these males don’t play this role with non-bw either, but when a bm is wealthy or influential, his deficiencies are not as apparent or not felt. He and/or his non-black mate can use his money and influence to smooth things over.
BUT NO ONE EVER MAKES THIS PLAIN TO AA-BW. Therefore, many AA-bw "think" these males are withholding something from them that these males honestly cannot give. That may sound like I'm making excuses for these males, but I'm just dealing with reality. How can they do something that they've never learned how to do? And if you think they know how to do it, WHERE did they learn it?????
So, the sad part is that many AAbw EXPECT for AAbm to step up and play this role, and when the males don’t do it, it makes SOME AAbw feel that they’re not as worthy of the best treatment as other women are, or it makes them feel they’re not “the prize.”
No, it just means that young black girls and bw must be plainly taught at a very early age that they have a very low probability of ever getting this kind of “prize” treatment from typical AAbm. Even though many AAbm will try to mask this deficiency in numerous ways—and they mostly do it by blaming it on AAbw—claiming that MOST AA women are badly deficient and not marriage material, and yadda yadda. Instead, I would have immense respect for them if they just admitted that they don’t know how to play this role since they’ve never learned it and then seek other men who can teach them.
AA black mothers and other mothers MUST teach their daughters that they ARE “the prize” (and BE SURE to teach them to conduct themselves like “prizes”) and then tell their daughters to position themselves to ONLY spend time with males who will view them as “prizes.” Instead, the bulk of AA mothers point their daughters toward AA men ONLY, many of whom are incapable of seeing those black women as “prizes”—no matter how spectacular these women are. I’m just making this PLAIN.
That being said, mostly all women are average women—not spectacular. I’m an average woman, yet I’ve found several CQLL men who considered me (with my heap of flaws that I continue to work on) to be “the prize.” I'm just being PLAIN about this because we've got to move WAY on from here. And no, I wasn’t "lucky," as I’ve often been accused of being. LOL! Well, I may have actually been lucky for having the mother and paternal grandmother I had.
As an aside, my mother and grandmother didn’t get along at all. They actually intensely disliked each other, but they were very much alike in key ways. That used to tickle me.
Anyway, feeling that they’re not in the “prize” category is the root cause of the disappointment that many AAbw feel when a growing percentage of AAbm who have acquired resources –whether financial, intellectual, influence, skills, prominence, credentials, etc. increasingly outmarry. People will accuse AAbw of being jealous, but any jealousy involved is not significant. I personally don’t care about anyone’s jealousy because jealousy is not valuable. LOL! There are women of all groups who feel jealousy. Jealousy among all human beings is as normal as bad breath. It never fed anybody or put a roof over anyone’s head. So who cares about it? When or if it’s a factor, it’s not important.
What IS critically important is where are AAbw making the bulk of their investments of critical amounts of their time, energy, and $$$$? In their dreams, apparently. What are the returns on those investments? Where are the great bulk of those returns going? Why is this my business? Well, this affects ALL/MOST other AAbw BECAUSE it’s the pattern for AAbw to turn to other AAbw for help. And yeah, I’ve pulled substantial money out of my pocket to help other bw—not to even mention time and energy. And this was mostly because these bw have been programmed to invest the bulk of their own time, energy, and financial resources in purple unicorns.
AAbw do not turn to white women, Asian women or Hispanic women for help. Or rarely so. And they know that when they turn to AAbm for help, they will virtually always have to trade flesh in exchange. Therefore, AAbw are still the most prevalent source of sought-after help among other AAbw. Even non-AA bw expect for AAbw to help them. LOL! Even they don’t turn to white women, Asian women, or Hispanic women to help them. Or rarely.
Khadija talks a lot in her articles about the supreme foolishness of AAbw capeing for or making it a pattern of supporting and defending women in other groups, because these other women do NOT have a pattern of reciprocating. Of course, I’ve pointed out that AA women don’t demand reciprocation. I know some of these women in these other groups, and they don’t exactly even understand why AAbw support them. They like it, but they don’t understand it, and they don’t feel obligated to reciprocate because their OWN group is their primary, secondary, tertiary, etc. focus.
Since I’m an old school AA woman, I know that AA women didn’t use to cape for other groups of women. We tended to focus on our own—just like other groups of women primarily, secondarily, etc. do. I don’t blame other groups of people for taking care of their own FIRST because—although we shouldn’t be--we are still divided into tribes. It’s common sense to just take care of your own house FIRST.
So, AAbw capeing or protecting or fighting for other groups of women (who already have the overwhelming bulk of the men of their group AND massive numbers of other women supporting them) is a very new phenomenon. I’ve pointed out that AAbw do this because they’ve lost their own fledgling culture, and I think they think it’s the right thing or the fair thing to do—to HELP others. Not only have they been programmed to HELP others and save alla our people and the entire human species, if necessary, I think they think that if they fight for or support others, those others will reciprocate. But life doesn’t operate that way. You MUST get an understanding with others so that they will know that they MUST reciprocate.
Other than that, do as OLS advises: STAY NEUTRAL. And don’t get angry when others treat you like you’re a pimple on their butt.
When I’ve proposed that AA women—in very large numbers-- ought to formulate and practice a set of customized cultural practices that would support and sustain them over time, so many of them say, “Oh that’s too hard,” or “I’m too busy for that.” *Sigh* Too many AAbw don’t seem to ever get tired of losing. SMH Think about it. Maybe it’s just me, but I KNOW that it’s a whole LOT harder to slave away or sacrifice yourself for others who don’t reciprocate. I also KNOW I’m not ever going to get too busy to do what’s best for me and mine.
IMO, the substantial investment made in black males by AAbw while the males don’t see anything out of the ordinary about giving or sharing the return on the investment with other groups is the reason why I advise AAbw to “KEEP YOUR PURSES CLOSED.” It’s the money and resource trail that’s significant because the return on the investment of those resources invested in black males is heavily flowing into other communities. This is a pattern now that can’t be disputed. This flow of resources also helps to feed the campaign of smearing and devaluation of AAbw because people don’t respect you when you give to them—without the condition that they must reciprocate.
I’ve written countless articles about the critical need for AAbw to demand reciprocity—and especially IF they just can't stop themselves from giving, giving, giving, etc. And in a similar vein, Khadija has another ARTICLE up that is MUST-READING where she discusses various aspects of AAbw’s programming which cause them to remain quiet while others lift lighter-whiter women (like biracial black women) up as representatives of typical bw, and when these women get the perks and the glory-- through no fault of their own, SOME AAbw who are unambiguously black then feel the pain of having their beauty and worth rejected. I mean why would I send the message to the world, “When you see Paula Patton, you’re seeing Evia,” and then feel devalued when the world keeps choosing Paula? Well, I wouldn't ever send the world that message because internally, I don't feel devalued. I didn't spend much time around AAs for decades and never thought much of the opinions of AA men. It's particularly AAbw who internalize the devaluing opinions of AAbm and those of their female supporters. My Arab fiance, my African ex-husband, and my white husband have had only positive things to say about my beauty and worth and well as the females in my circle. Otherwise, I would never have spent more than a minute with these guys either or any women who devalued me.
In America, why would any black person with any pride be in favor of Paula representing or playing the role of a bw who looks more like India Arie in the first place? No, let biracial women like Paula (who already receive a lot of skin shade privileges) represent themselves and let the India Aries of the world represent themselves because obviously people see a difference between Paula and India--just like they see the difference between green and purple. If racism and colorism didn't have such a pernicious impact on AAbw, it wouldn't matter, but let's not pretend it doesn't. It's about surviving and thriving.
Here's a nuance embedded in this situation. It's that darker women like India Arie KNOW they have to knock down the doors of opportunities where a few crumbs may be available, but then biracial women like Paula can easily get to the front of the line in a colorism-based setup and grab the few crumbs (acting or other roles), etc. and then claim they didn't do anything wrong. Biracial women, with their skin shade privileges--that they get from most people, including many black people--need to go and knock down some doors themselves and reciprocate in the direction of darker women sometimes. And one of those doors they need to go directly at is that biracial women like Paula should demand to play roles like playing Marilyn Monroe because they're just as much white as they are black. Paula would have an excellent basis for taking that stance, and there would be many roles for her, if or when she succeeds at that, whereas India Arie, Jennifer Hudson, Sanaa Lathan and many others, they don't stand a chance of playing Marilyn Monroe--as things stand now.
I did hear that Rashida Jones plays white women in her acting career, but it's just common sense that all biracial women should demand that. If I'd ever had biracial children, I would have expected them to think that way because they would have been just as much Darren's children as mine. I would not have raised them to expect less from their white side than their black side. I've never had an in-depth discussion with a black mother of biracial children to understand how they handle things like that, so I'm just saying how I would have raised my children if I'd had any by Darren.
In general, this is why so many AAbw are angered when they see and hear that 25% of bm in the U.S. who got married in the last few years married NON-bw. Everyone wants something from AAbw, but how many others are voluntarily reciprocating. This reciprocity expected from bm, for ex., was never or rarely discussed; AAbw just assumed that when AAbm got into a better position to love, cherish and adore them, virtually ALL of them would do it--considering the near-death ordeals of slavery and Jim Crow. But, if someone had told these girls and women the truth and made it PLAIN about the layers of (1) colorism and (2) severe deficiencies re their role as men that was buried in the psyches of AAbm and for generations, many of these AAbw wouldn’t have been used and wouldn’t feel betrayed today because they would have sidestepped MOST AA men altogether.
Let's face it: If more of the mothers who knew the truth about bm's core deficiencies (and some DID know) had told had told their daughters the PLAIN truth or had known better themselves and taught their daughters this, PLAINLY, plenty of young AAbw would have avoided these males, which they should have done--unless they saw that the men were ACTIVELY taking the responsibility to learn to get rid of their crippling deficiencies--because colorism and not knowing how to play the role of a man--if you are a man--are pox-like defiiciences on a relationship in which a woman expects to to produce black well-functioning children.
There's no shame in not knowing something, but you ought to be very ashamed if you're on the verge of being a parent and KNOW you don't know something critical and then don't actively try to learn it. And anyone who hasn't had an operation to prevent any chance of becoming a parent, could become a parent.
Yes, many AAbm did exercise aspects of a manly role in previous generations, and some did it very well or as best they could under horrific circumstances, but this was done mainly BECAUSE other AAbm insisted that each man do his best to provide, protect, and problem solve for his OWN wife and children. Other black males were not going to take on that burden! I know how this was handle where I grew up. Bm could not get away with sad, sob stories or blaming bw or 'de evil' white folks.
I also KNOW my history because I’ve read dozens—if not more—of books on black history, black literature, African history and African literature, took college classes, and participated in numerous discussions over the decades where there was much slicing and dicing of AA and African history. I didn’t learn black-American history from “12 Years a Slave” or “Django Unchained” or “The Butler” and other Hollywood distorted productions.
I have to shake my head in deep sadness at the black folks who depend on Hollywood's rendition of slavery or black history to teach them or their children black history. Nothing that Hollywood produces about slavery is ever going to come close to reading the books. Books and other reading materials are everywhere and free or cheaply available--much cheaper than movies. And what’s really idiotic to me about the mentality of some demented black folks is that they’ll complain endlessly about whites lying to them about this or that, yet, they’ll still get angry about Hollywood (run totally and completely by whites) not feeding them enough slave movies filled with more distortions, omissions, and outright lies. Does that make sense to anyone?