Urging black women to choose QUALITY mates from ALL backgrounds and make long-range choices that promote and protect their interests 'First and Foremost'
Thanks, KC for theLINKto this very poignant NYT love story re what this couple went through to marry, love, and live with each other as two members of the human species!
They were so committed to their love for each other and to their son!
And to just think that these days, some timid bw will allow a mere scowl or a few words from a retarded hater stop them from being with a CQLL wm. This couple showed courage and grit to the max!
I am so thankful to this couple and for people like them!!
It's people like this man and woman who make me soooooo proud to be a human being! LOL!
Anyway, this is why I don't watch the "news" on TV and I try to overlook it online. The "news" is a steady diet of spoonfeeding of the most horrible about human behavior. Just think--if we could only get a steady diet of stories like this one. Wow!
I know, I know--many viewers would no longer watch the news if lots of stories like this one were presented. (Sigh) They would consider this boring, tune out, and search around to find stories about blood and guts flying all over the place. SMH
Lessons that this article teaches:
1. You must NEVER let the haters win!
2. African American women deserve every single privilege and perk they can get in this life. Your foremothers (like this woman) have paid all of your dues for several lifetimes, already. Be your best and be determined to not allow anyone to ever stop you from securing every privilege and perk that ANY man or any person can or will offer you. Don't ever self-limit. Don't YOU be the one who refuses to collect your privileges and perks. Don't ever announce that you're coming; just go out there and act the part!
I've never doubted that I deserve the best and if you have any doubts about that, just keep repeating to yourself: I-deserve-every-privilege-and-perk, etc. and make sure you're conducting yourself like someone who is deserving. People will respond.
Janice Dyson and John McAfee (Anti-Virus guru who founded McAfee Antivirus)
His personal worth was once $100 million, but is now estimated to be $4 million. He was one of the first people to design anti-virus software and to develop a virus scanner.
Janice is writing a book about him and is captioned in this picture from USA Today as his girlfriend. The anti-virus company bearing his name was acquired by Intel for $7.68 billion in 2010.
Wow! His life has been like a see-saw. LOL! Maybe there will be a movie about him based on her book. Probably, there'll be a few movies about the peaks and dives in his life. Thanks, SB for theLINK.
He was no longer affiliated with his company when it was acquired by Intel, but having a boyfriend with his influence, we know there will be book companies who will stand in line to publish Janice's book.
From the beginning of patriarchal times, many women in every society, culture, country have shared companionship with men of privilege and power who can open doors for them, make their lives smoother, or move their lives up several notches. Many times, these relationships end in marriage; sometimes they don't.
This is hypergamy. History is full of smart women who have played their cards to gain that foothold on a higher rung on the societal ladder. In a patriarchal world, a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do with her cards because every woman gets only ONE set of cards. But isn't it great that in this one respect, life is very fair to women because every woman gets the powerful female card. Just like the queen on the chess board is the most powerful piece on the chess board, the female card is the strongest card in the deck.
Thanks EMR for this NPR ARTICLE re a documentary made about wm's outmarriages to Asian women. SMH
These men are often viewed as having 'yellow fever/fetish' and the women are usually viewed as opportunists or victims. But isn't marriage usually a tradeoff? Aren't both parties in any marriage or relationship usually trading something for something they want? Why is this type of relationship any different? This wm in the article explains why he wanted an Asian woman and Asian women are willingly marrying out to gain privileges and other perks. DUH! I sincerely hope that they both get what they went after.
I simply want for there to be more contentment and peace in the world. That just might lessen some of the conflicts, chaos, mayhem, massacres, and wars.
Why do these outmarriage relationships bother so many people? I just don't GET IT! It's not like the men are kidnapping these women or buying women for a brothel; these men are MARRYING these consenting adult women and the marital and other rights of these women in this country will be protected by U.S. laws.
And as I said, these outmarriages have only been in practice for thousands of years. Duh!
"There’s one less heiress on the market: Paige Johnson got married Saturday.
The gorgeous daughter of BET founders Bob and Sheila Johnson wed Dudley Payne III in a sunset ceremony at the Ocean Club in the Bahamas. The bride and groom picked the site because they’re fans of the James Bond movie “Casino Royale,” which was set at the famed luxury resort. '. . ."
This VERY high visibility BWIR marriage will further help to send the message to black women and non-black men who may be inclined towards loving and marrying each other that love and marriage to CQLL mates of the human species is as normal as breathing, despite skin shade. In today's world--for upwardly mobile, smarter bw and critically thinking men, a mate's CQLL-ness has nothing to do with their skin shade. As long as s/he's suitably CQLL and is of the human species, creating/developing the type of relationship you want with your potential mate or chosen mate is the responsibility of both parties involved and is among the most normal acts, as well as an exciting adventure. It's can be creative and so much fun! LOL!
All the rest is hype, commonly known as 'other peoples' opinions. Don't allow other peoples' (often selfish) opinions to rule your life!
We're very busy these days birthing and shaping our ICOMSA community and creating our Next LevelTM Culture (NLC). It's very exciting and sometimes, some of the comments of the some of the other architects leave me gasping--in awe. LOL! I am thrilled to be in the company of such dedicated women of vision.
The ICOMSA is governed by PRECEPTS or rules. Much thought has gone into the precepts that we are still adding and tweaking. No individual is above the precepts because without rules applied to life and human behavior, there is chaos. There are millions of rules in the universe and nature that keep all planets, moon, sun and the plants and animals on earth in check and on course; human beings are also a part of the universe and nature and must follow certain rules and act accordingly.
We will have our growing pains, but we know we don't have a choice. Any meaningful growth is usually painful, to an extent. We know there's no point in looking back. There's nothing back there. We have unique needs that we're developing the NLC to address.
******We're not anti-anyone; we're creating this mutual association and support community and network for us because we NEED it.
We know there''ll be those who will try to defame us. We may even have disgruntled members who leave or those who we don't consider a good fit for us--who will go out and slander us. That's business as usual. I have never allowed anyone's criticisms of me to stop me from doing what's best for me and mine, and I never will. I've always known that I didn't have a choice but to keep moving on.
We're creating a community that has community "feelings" for our members. That's an integral part of the ICOMSA "flavor." We're an organization, and we hope to grow, but caring about our members and "being there" for each other as much as reasonably possible is central to our mission. It's the most important thing we do.
The ICOMSA is an oasis for many women, a safe place where we talk with each other like we highly value each other--because we do. Tactfulness in speech is greatly valued, promoted, and practiced because when you care about someone, you speak to them in a way that shows you value them.
All members must SHOW they care about each other by "doing" because we practice RECIPROCITY. However, no one is expected to sacrifice themselves to the point of harming themselves. The ICOMSA woman is not a "heavy lifter."
There will be no MMMSSS (mammy, mule, martyr, shemale, sista soldier, sapphire) behavior in our NLC. Young bw who may become a part of the ICOMSA won't even be able to imagine they should perform any of those roles. Those roles are mutations that have disfigured many bw. They will be nowhere in the shaping of the ICOMSA woman.
The "ICOMSA woman" is a proudly female woman who knows and shows her worth by her choices in her leisure activities, fitness regimen, in romance, public behavior, etc. and MOST importantly by what she allows to occupy her mind.
Being or becoming a full-fledged ICOMSA woman may involve a severe mentality shift and focus for some. If that's what it takes, then so be it.
Mentality changes are key.
And anyone who knows me knows that I do NOT associate, for more than a minute, with those who languish in the "old" diseased mentality.
Thanks, CH for this pic of the BWIR woman with her navy spouse.
I love her in that orange dress! SO gorgeous! I'm going to dig out my orange dress, y'all. LOL!
I can still remember how Darren looked when he saw Michelle O. in her orange dress! He was speechless!
________________________
As some of my regular readers know, I have founded what I’ve
named ICOMSA Next LevelTM
Culture (NLC)—a system of intertwined beliefs and practices that urges and
teaches AA women and other black women
in socially precarious situations to lead holistically common sense lives and to come together with
like-minded others in their cohort to actively incorporate a wide range of mutually
supportive uplifting practices into their daily lives that meet the needs of
black women. So far, I’ve encountered a diverse group of women who have
embraced this and they have vowed “be there” for each other.
AA women need and could tremendously benefit from participating in a network set us as an ICOMSA (intentional community or mutual support association)—whether they know it or not.
Well,
possibly Oprah doesn’t need it. LOL!
But why do I say (typical) AA women need it?
Whereas the bulk of women in various other ethnic enclaves have
various social supports and safety nets in place and various people poised to support
and protect them, either through their cultural groups, entrenched societal status,
networks, or family, the typical African American woman increasingly has none
of these. She is most often on her own and knows it. Daily experiences remind
her of that. This adds tremendous stress to her life. This is an invisible burden
that many others in the society are not aware of since their own invisible support
systems enable them to remain unaware of this constant reality that many black
women in the U.S. face. In essence, no one has the black woman’s back. Whereas other groups have formed protective
systems to shield their women from much savagery of life, AA women increasingly
learn they have nothing of the sort for themselves, their daughters,
granddaughters. Without a protective system, the predators of life will prey.
The acronym ICOMSA
stands for “intentional community or mutual support association.” With a degree and background in Cultural
Anthropology, and multi-decade experiences that span cultures, I’ve noticed constantly that many black women in
the U.S. and similar regions were/are living lives bereft of the vital support
system and seamless reciprocal exchanges that many other women learn they have at
a young age—and take for granted. This lack of over-arching protection as well
as the thread that connects, supports, binds us to others, and sustains in a
common sense way is at the root of many American Black women’s fears and woes.
It pitches many of them into negative social statistics categories, i.e. poor health
practices, even when they sometimes seem to have many of the markers for successful lives.
AA women are no different than other human women. Humans get
many of their needs met through social relationships; aloneness weakens and
often kills. People have therefore often devised complex cultures to meet their
needs. ICOMSA culture, in effect, is
doing that for many black women these days who have been shortchanged of an holistic
uplifting, supportive culture to
practice with others who share their unique reality.
Black women need a CULTURE to serve as our platform to
develop our infrastructure, to enable us to meet vital needs of various types, address
unique challenges, and to provide the guidance and support for more black girls
and women to soar. WE, black women (along with our allies and supporters), are tremendously
wealthy when we invest our resources of intellect, skills, abilities, talents,
money, time, networks, information, etc. Together.
None of this is new.
It’s simply a new twist on the old. Individuals have founded mutual support
associations and cultures from the beginning of time to handle their challenges
and needs.
It’s common sense for us to do this now.
I was shaped by my
grandmother’s self-reliant attitude and values and her vast common sense vision
when I was growing up and I later
stumbled across the profound wisdom and body of work of the brilliant
visionary, noted scholar, leader, Dr. Barbara Sizemore from the Univ. of
Pittsburgh. Since I have a background and an abiding interest in comparative
cultures, I knew I had found the “missing link” of sorts when she pointed out
and elaborated on the very simple idea that “Culture come first.” Before any
group of people can move up (as a group), their ascendancy must be based on a
culture. She stated that a cultural base comes before financial or political
power. Otherwise, the group cannot maintain any foothold in either of those.
This is shown so clearly by AAs lack of sustained upward movement in this country.
AAs, as a group, cannot continue ascendancy because it’s not based on a
culture. Every other group that has
moved up in this country or is in the process of moving up has done so with the
firm advantage of a cultural base or foundation. Yes, there will be individual
AAs who will acquire money and a degree of political power, but I’m talking
about the GROUP.
However, I carry the societal AA woman label and at this
point, I have narrowed my view to only those who like-minded or similarly
minded. Those are the only people I’m interested in if they also have an
interest in ICOMSA’s NLC.
Keep in mind, I’m not
trying to persuade anyone to get involved. ICOMSA is only for those who are
ready for it. Everything is not for everyone.
Why am I doing this?
I have married, raised 2 well-loved children, had a
successful career, and I have always enjoyed the support of a loving husband
and the means with which to live a comfortable life. Life has given me these
vital gifts. I often can’t find the words to express my gratitude for these
gifts. I can’t pay anything back, but I can pay
it forward. Founding, erecting, and activating ICOMSA culture is now the
largest part of my life’s purpose, my mission. If I ever have a granddaughter, I want her to know that her grandmom already loved her in 2013 and that I've done my best for her to live an elevated life--just like my grandmother did for me.
ICOMSA culture is not anti anyone; we are pro-US. We are joyful. We practice reciprocity with
anyone who practices it with us. We increasingly inject quality into our lives
in the present and use our energies and resources to prepare a quality future
for our daughters, granddaughters, and other black females who share our unique
reality. We will “be there” for each other. We are grateful that our Creator has given us
free will and the abilities to create social support systems for ourselves,
just as others have done for themselves. As someone once said: “We are who we’ve
been waiting for.”
ICOMSA Next Level Culture is an important prong for
those black women who want to meet their holistic needs and address certain
challenges that are unique to AA women and black women in similar circumstances.
ICOMSA NLC attracts a wide assortment of
upwardly mobile black women—whether it’s the young single working mother, the ivy league graduate, married
women, professional women, etc.
The bottom line is that all AA and bw in similar precarious social situations do not have to argue, debate, explain, be stuck in endless weary, fuming about the same-ole, same-ole, as they continue to be sick and tired of being sick and tired, and live lives of lack. If you do so, it's a choice.
There is abundance in the world, but we often need help in accessing it. People join together, form networks and groups to get a share of the abundance. Why is it that various women in other groups can access that abundance so much easier? It's because someone or a group of people among them had a light bulb moment at some pont. They figured out that if they joined together, they could reach wider and higher. That's not new; that knowledge is as old as dirt.
As usual, please tell other bw you care about--about ICOMSA. As I said, ICOMSA's NLC is not for everyone, but it is for some.
In reading about her personal life and her college days, I like the fact that she believed she could have a career, children, and husband.
I believed the same thing, and I did it too. I never saw why there would have to be a conflict between those. It's a matter of mentality; it's a matter of choices, and it's a matter of vetting for a supportive mate. Contrast her behavior towards her husband with that of the bw in the video link down below. Sage obviously saw this man as possibly her mate, from the outset.
The articles below say SO much. Thanks, FK, for these articles that clearly show that manyAA women are being bamboozled to the nth degree.
Bw, PLEASE read these articles and spread them. Never let it be claimed by any bw that you know that she didn't know what was going on out there. LOL! One bw admitted to me recently that she's just too busy to even think about these issues. Well, to me that's like being too busy to be caught in a tornado! Trust me--SOME folks are counting on certain bw to be too busy to think critically about these issues.
After feeding AA women the okey-doke (in numerous articles and countless discussions online and wherever else for the past 15 years) that they will (one day--in the by-and-by-and by and by) get married, but later in life than other women, ARTICLE and that they should therefore be patient, some social scientists (like the one below) are just now beginning to spoon feed to bw the notion that: "you won't ever marry!"
SMH! The goal post just keeps moving for AA women and bw in similar situations. Unfortunately, so many bw are dizzy as they keep running to keep up with the shifting goal post. LOL! Where is it now? Over here? Over there? Wow! This is such a farce that so many bw participate in.
But Bw--Don't you GET IT by now? Most of you are not ever going to catch up with the goal post because the object of THIS diabolical game is not for you to EVER catch up with that goal post, except that the bulk of YOU don't know that. Yes, FK, this is really a "cruel joke" being played on bw.
But the goal post never moves for bw with common sense. We've never followed the goal post; we kept our eye on OUR goals.
In other words, this is actually a big, ole okey doke in disguise that is counting on bw to just be too busy to critically think about it or resign themselves to believe it and get into line with the never-marry brigade.
Bw--that may be YOUR choice and you're entitled to it. After all, you have free will. But pox on you if you try to pressure other bw to accept YOUR 'never marry' choice.
This LONG video depicts a big part of the reason why many AA and bw in similar situations are not marrying or find it more difficult. Brace yourself! I hesitated to mention it. I couldn't even finish watching it. I cringed throughout it. LOL! It's actually a horror show, that is presented as a love story. Some of the women in my ICOMSA agreed with my view of it and thought it should be buried. Others thought it might turn on some light bulbs. I wasn't so sure.
Thanks for the video link, RA. You can see that in the end, I chose to conclude that the bw in it was simply acting a role to help to wake other bw up. LOL! I'm so hoping she was. So, in the event it will turn on light bulbs, I'm showing it. I was thinking as I watched it that this young bw could be my granddaughter, yet my views on racial issues are way more progressive than hers. Isn't it supposed to be the opposite? It's as if time rolled backwards with black progress in this country!
Bw, I'm just going to lay it out here a few reasons why some of you have such difficulties in finding a suitable mate. I'm pulling this from the thousands of notes I've received from you and countless comments I've read as well as my various experiences with bw offline who declare that they can't find a suitable man.
Some of you (1) don't know how to vet and therefore get bogged down with unsuitable, damaging men who wound and weaken you and give you baggage; some of you (2) don't know the correct mating dance steps a woman should make in a new encounter or relationship with a man who is a good candidate; many of you (3) cast a tiny net that is guaranteed to bring in next to nothing; many of you (4) want to stay exactly where you are emotionally, physically, personality-wise, geographically, etc. and want a quality man to come to you and just accept you as you are; many of you (5) are unrealistic about life, in general; many of you (6) refuse to get the help you need (of whatever type); these kinds of videos and other (7) public displays like in this long video that show that too many bw are not operating at A-game level, etc.
Y'all can call me anything you want, but I was always operating on A-game level or as close as possible to it, and the success I've had in life proves that. I didn't get lucky, and nothing I achieved was by accident.
Thanks, MM, for bringing #6 back to the front burner.
The three biggest culprits involved in preventing many women and men from securing a suitable mate (based on the above list) is that so many people believe the layers and layers of hype they're fed about life and are therefore very unrealistic about life, lack appropriate vetting skills, and too many bw show publicly that they're not operating at A-game level.
ALL of these apply to men too who declare they can't find a suitable woman.
BW (and I'm only talking to mature-minded bw), all you need is ONE man from ANY group who meets your key compatibility criteria (that hopefully are based on what really counts in a solid relationship), desires you, and he must have enough resources (of various types). All the rest can be worked out. ALL of it!
I hope no one else asks me to write another article breaking this down to bw. Spread the posts I've already written! Those bw who don't get it after reading my articles do not want to get it or may just be too disfigured emotionally to GET IT! We may have to accept the fact that ANY human females who would rather deprive herself of the love of a good man, suffer needlessly, and or face extinction than to mate with a suitable human male for any number of flimsy reasons based on the pure hype fed to her, is just something out of our hands.
In the words of Sister So-and-So at the local black church: "All we can do is pray for them."
Upwardly mobile people carry value, and other upwardly mobile people in the world seek others who carry value. This is why I knew that irrespective of how people in any construct might view me, I knew that there were enough men with common sense in the world who were in search of a woman who carried value. In other words, they were searching for me. So, all I had to do was position myself, cast my net wide enough, and vet well.
The fact is that virtually ALL upwardly mobile and fit bw with looks in the average range CAN get married and they can virtually ALL marry men in the global village who are of average to high-average quality. You don't have to speak English to your man. Learn another language! I've been learning French since I was in the 5th grade (just in case), yet ended up with 2 husbands who I couldn't speak a word of French to, just English. LOL!
Your mate IS out there. The assumption here is that both the women and the men involved are realistic, can vet fairly well, have at least average emotional health, and that they both know how to do a few steps of the mating dance. The assumption here also is that they're not looking for Hollywood's version of a CQLL mate. Hollywood is not called "Tinseltown" for nothing.
However, as an ethnographer, let me say this: If an objective survey is done across all cultures, many of even what's considered below-average women in all of the world's cultures are pursued as mates, whereas men generally have to be average or higher to secure a mate--because the females of higher-order species are usually hypergamous.
But in another way, I sincerely thank this sociologist for this article (below). It's a blessing in disguise because this will light a fire under SOME of those young bw who want to marry but think that they can just do what they want to do, whenever they want to do it, in any kind of way they want to do it.
Hopefully, it will usher more of them or get more AA women in general to edge closer to the desperately-needed mentality shift.
Life is a matter of tradeoffs. A woman may not be able to get her ideal man AND live where she wants to live in the way she imagined living. That man may look way different, be way shorter, skinnier, be older, have a totally different occupation, live in a different part of the country or world, may be bald in an uncool way, may have a totally different personality than their dream man, etc. Critical tradeoffs must be made sometimes. Every woman has to figure out what she's willing to give up if it means she can get the more crucial items she needs and wants.
Just imagine all of the bw who actually swallowed that 'just wait' okey-doke and waited patiently thinking their dream man was on the way. OMG! That one okey-doke has kept a LOT of bw content and complacent--if they'll only hold on and wait another 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50 years. Yes, some bw have told me they've waited 50 years. Many expired while waiting.
Yes, I realize that many (not only this sociologist) are now re-defining what a "family" is. SMH
But why are male homosexuals not willing to join the "never marry" brigade. They are fighting tooth and claw to marry because they know that there are other tangible and intangible benefits that people get from marriage ASIDE from the legal and financial ones. What about the spiritual benefits of knowing that another person has made a commitment before their Creator and people in their circle to promote your well-being and be by your side when you feel afraid or cold? Those are key benefits that many of us derive from our marriages because (IMO) people are basically "spirits" having a human experience.
Please read the very sobering article I've posted a link to at the very bottom of this post.
This is why I know that it's way past time for ICOMSA chapters throughout this country. The ICOMSA is good for all bw whether they're married or not because the ICOMSA is a thriving mutual support association, a network of upwardly mobile bw who will "be there" for each other. It is a network of bw who have already begun to practice Next LevelTM CULTURE along with the supporters and allies of bw.
Many black social scientists with any brains and any kind of common sense who cared about bw knew this situation was coming down the pike, 20 years ago. It's clearly been shown by all of the important indicators for well over 2 decades. The future has just arrived.
_______________________________________
I agree with you, FK, when you say the following article by this sociologist below contradicts the one above re bw's chances at marriage. THANK YOU for sending me this article because so many bw need this vital NEW information that points to what's happening now.
MOST BW are still viewing themselves in the "most black women will marry but later in life " position even though it's unlikely. That OLD mode of thought based on OLD statistics is still being promoted. The NEW NPR article (below) however is preparing BW for NOT being in the "most " position, but instead to be in the "never marry" position and preparing them to give their resources to other women's offspring.
Half of black Nebraskans have never been married, compared with 29 percent among the state’s total population. This reflects a larger national trend: a growing segment of the black middle class is single and living alone. Dr. Kris Marsh,Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of Maryland, will be speaking about the economic, racial, and political implications of unmarried singles in the black middle class . . . . and suggests we may need to rethink the definition of the black middle class.
KRIS MARSH: When we think of middle class, not even black middle class or white middle class, just the overall middle class, the general picture of middle class is a husband, a wife, 2.5 children, a dog and a white picket fence. From a demographic perspective, we know that marriage rates have changed across the board. Marriage rates have changed a lot among blacks, with more pronounced declining marriage rates in black America, there’s this hidden assumption in social science literature that the black middle class is shrinking. And I’m trying to make the argument that no, the black middle class isn’t shrinking, there’s just a compositional shift in the black middle class away from married couples to young, black professionals who aren’t married and don’t have any children. And I think that we can no longer just think of the black middle class as just a husband and a wife, but we have to think outside of the box and think about it in ways that now consist of single and living alone households.
NET NEWS: As you said, across the country, couples are deciding to marry and have kids later in life. According to U.S. Census data, 51 percent of black Nebraskans 15 years and older have never been married, compared with 29 percent among the state's total populaton. Do those statistics reflect the larger national picture?
MARSH:Yes. There’s a growing segment of black America who have never been married, and there’s also a suggestion that they will never marry. Overall, the national trend is that people could be marrying later in life. But for black America, yes, people are marrying later in life, but there’s also a group that will not marry at all. And because this group exists, we can no longer ignore them and put them in another category. We have people that are not going to get married and they’re not going to have children but they’re important and we can’t overlook them.
NET NEWS: And what are some of the reasons . . . .
MARSH:The question is whether or not it’s by choice or force. In black America, are people choosing not to marry because they think that things are okay or for whatever reason they made this conscious choice, or could it be that there aren’t viable options? So they’re forced to stay single and never marry because they just don’t have viable options.
NET NEWS: Blacks made up about 5 percent of Nebraska’s total population. What might this new demographic group mean for black culture here in Nebraska and larger American culture over time?
MARSH: Now that you have this single and living alone household who are middle class, it becomes a really interesting discussion. And I want to move the discussion into a different direction to say, okay, we clearly know that demographically, this group exists. What are some of the consequences of this group?
One consequence is . . . . do we want to redefine what we mean by a family? Can one person make up a family? Are there advantages to be labeled as a family or one person household? I think we really need to start thinking about the terminology, especially because we know this is a growing group of people who are single and living alone.
The other issue that I’m interested in understanding is that if we know for the most part that class status is transferred from parent to child, and you have people in this black middle class who are single and living alone who do not have children, to whom are they going to transfer their wealth? I think in black America we have to start considering innovative ways in which we’re going to transfer our wealth from one generation to the next. It wouldn’t go parent to child. But could it go from aunt to nephew? From friend to godchild? We have to start thinking about it in very interesting ways.
And the third issue is that if the second largest household type in the black middle class is being single and living alone, just behind married couples, that’s not the same composition we see in the white middle class. So, because of these different kinds of household types, do we see racial inequality existing because you don’t have as many married couples in the black middle class as you do in the white middle class? So does it reinforce racial inequality in some kind of way? I think those are the kind of questions we need to start thinking about with these compositional shifts of household type.
NET NEWS:Do you think public policy supports these unmarried, living alone singles? . . . .
MARSH: It’s an emerging group, it’s been around but it’s definitely not going anywhere. . . .we know that there are a lot of households that are single and living alone, should they also be classified as a family? And that’s something I think policy analysts really need to start thinking about.
This is a life and death
issue for so many AA and similarly situated bw, so I prefer to be flat out candid about this topic. But since I know
that certain selfish people will be quick to say
I’m encouraging bw to be gold diggers, let me point out that I’m encouraging bw
to do exactly what women with common
sense in other groups do. They play their cards strategically and we know by now--if you've even read a few of my posts--that the female card is the most powerful card in any woman's deck.
I’ve lived in and
mingled among non-AA ethnic groups and other races almost 24-7, since I was 18.
The overwhelming most of teen girls and
younger women in virtually all other ethnic groups and races learn very early (because
they observe and are taught) that a lot about having a satisfying, successful relationship
and family life with a man hinges on
there being enough resources. DUH! So, they normally seek out that type of man. That's normal to them.
Okay, I know that many readers (from other groups and races) will find what I’m about to say to be unbelievable, but
typical AA black teen girls and AA women are routinely and repeatedly told
(taught) that if they meet a man and he’s struggling and trying to make it, that
she should join him in his struggling and trying because he means well and that
at least he’s not selling drugs or in jail. It’s typical for AA women on every
level and all ages to hear a version of this and be scolded for not giving a
struggling same-ethnic group man a chance.
Bw, it’s way past time for
us to get rid of this message. KILL this message! Why? It’s because
struggling + struggling almost always = MORE struggling or compounded
struggling, wasted, blighted lives, stress, misery, strife, AND . . . . It may seem noble to you to hitch your wagon to the wagon of a stuggling man's but . . . .
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LOL! Thanks, Lorraine for this. Yes, it definitely normalizes BWIRs. And I hope bw realize that nothing they see in the media is there by accident. Nothing. Everything in the media is strategically (consciously, subconsciously, or unconsciously--LOL!) CHOSEN to be there for a reason, and the reason is virtually always MONEY.
Yep, we're back to the good ole money trail. It's usually always about the money or it's about being associated with money--because money, when it's used in concert, represents power, uplift and life. I'll let readers figure out what a lack of money or what money used individually represents or when money is spent willy nilly.
But money or financial wealth is just ONE resource, just one source of wealth. I've pointed out in our ICOMSA how tremendously wealthy bw are as a group, and in so many ways. Bw, as a group, have jaw-dropping resources! Other types of resources include: energy, talents, unique skills, abiltities, intelligence, and personality traits like resiliency, resourcefulness, will, loyalty, charm, warmth--just to name a few sources of bw's tremendous wealth.
Many people are aware of bw's non-financial as well as financial resources.
Don't overlook the fact that bw in the U.S. have a LOT of money, as a group. The ad above reflects that, but bw must find a song they can sing in concert because when anyone sings a solo, their voice can be easily drowned out. Finding a concert to sing in is actually just common sense.
BW--YOU are tremendously wealthy but ONLY when you find a song to sing IN CONCERT with a concert you've joined. Singing in concert naturally means you're singing with like-minded others who have the same or similar goals and SHOW it.
An ICOMSA is a way of connecting with likeminded others in a common sense way to increase the probability of positive outcomes for each individual ICOMSA member.
My ex-husband was a Cost Accountant for a large company in the early part of his career. He talked often about his job to me. As the wife of a cost accountant, I learned how virtually anything can have a dollar value placed on it. Even smiling at someone or picking up a piece of paper for someone has value--because actions like those foster good will. And good will is considered to be of value by accountants and they urge companies to include good will in the company policies to offer to customers because it helps to keep money flowing from the customer to the company. LOL! Good will is also known as good customer relations and by other names. Some companies put a lot of emphasis on good customer relations and often do customer satisfaction surveys because they understand the high dollar value of it.
So, that cost accounting experience taught me to look carefully at a lot of other actions that make up the interactions between people or more specifically for this article--at how much specifically AA women, GIVE away without reciprocity. OMG! They give away loads, loads, loads more with spoons than is returned to them with shovels. That's another one of my grandmother's teachings: to watch what you give away with those spoons! These days, that's called nickel and diming. That's the key way that so many AA women are bled dry.
Anyway, in our ICOMSA, we talk about how critically importance it is to: Use resources in concert versus using them in solo because some of us AA women and the bulk of those (men and women) in other groups are enculturated to know how to make the most important decisions we make about using our resources--in concert with likeminded others who SHOW they have similar goals.
Remember that people must be vetted to SHOW that they have those same or very similar goals because many people will pretend they have goals identical to yours. LOL! Or in some cases, it's an honest mistake. They may actually believe they have the same/similar goals until action is required.
Vetting people for an IC is very similar to vetting a man for a long term relationship/marriage.
The bottom line is that when you operate as a soloist, you will be easily drowned out, worn down, broken like a twig, and washed away by the storm--because a storm is always on the way.
Nothing about the problems plaguing the black construct in the United States is going to change for the better. Some may think that's negative, but I'm talking reality. Just look at all the indicators.
FACT: When a ball is rolling down a hill, it will continue when there is no effective intervention.
Besides, I know something that most of y'all don't: AAs have been yakking about these SAME plaguing issues for the past 40 years, except that things have gotten much worse. I know that because I lived during all of those decades. I've seen all of the articles in the NYT, TIME magazine, and other lofty periodicals, saw all of the "specials," heard all of the mesmerizing speeches, watched all of the "State of the Black Union" symposiums, etc. And things have gotten worse.
No one figured out that AAs need a CULTURE. Anything else is hot air.
As long as I'm speaking, I will be the lone voice in the wilderness saying that AAs need a reasonably uplifting CULTURE because I know there won't ever be any significant changes for the better among AAs without it. This is why I'm willing to invest time and energy in erecting an ICOMSA culture--for the granddaughters I hope to have one day and for many other unsuspecting black women and girls who will be labeled AAs and penalized for lacking a reasonably uplifting CULTURE's guidance and protection.
So, don't be a member of those AAs whose heads can be counted on to always be stuck up their yazoos, the ones who are always perpetually surprised. LOL! Find a concert and join it. Now.
As some of you know, ICOMSA is an acronym for "intentional community or mutual support association." Some of us have come together to build this community of vetted sisterfriends--for black women, for ourselves, female loved ones, and our female descendants. And it's particularly for AA women and other similarly situated bw because AA women, as a group, are the absolute most unprotected, unsupported, and unprovided-for women in the Western world--for sure. AA women are still under the heel of a very harsh boot and we can see plenty evidence of this in the black construct.
AA women desperately need a haven, a safe, supportive place, an oasis, a protected place and a group among whom shame, disapproval, unproductive/harsh criticism are strangers--a community that uplifts and upholds, a community where reciprocity reigns, an association of women who are tired of complaining and want to commit to building a better life and know that we are wealthy in our various types of resources and there's great strength in numbers when we join with vetted others, a wide-stretching network that functions as a communtity, one that has its members' "back."
But the ICOMSA is not a perfect place. It is a place for sharing, learning, laughing, supporting, trusting, building what WE need to meet our variety of needs, and being there for each other. It's not a place for people who want to merely 'talk' or spout lovely words or rhetoric; it's a place for women who are ready to 'walk the walk' NOW--knowing that there are women beside them on that same path. We are building for NOW and the future; we don't look back.
Y'all know me by now. I'm a woman of conviction; I don't have patience for flaky people.
An ICOMSA is also not a place where women bring garbage of any sort. We may have compassion but we can't afford garbage. Therefore, we vet. Of course, we vet! LOL!
We have rules. We will make mistakes but we will learn from them and begin self-correcting in the next second. Learning and self-correction are a part of our most basic creed because we realize that excuses, reasons, and long drawn-out explanations for mistakes would bury us. We have learned that. So, why repeat it?
An ICOMSA is a place where women are prepared to contribute, positively.
"But what about black (or AA) men?" is a question that is often put to black women--whenever any discussion about any AA women's initiative arises. So, I may as well address that now.
To me that would be a ludicrous question because the trajectory of the lives of black men is not the responsibility of black women. Therefore, I would suggest that question be asked of black men.
I am, however, a mother of 2 males, who I dearly love. When my sons were infants and little boys, I raised them the exact same way I would have raised daughters. I nurtured them, provided for them, protected them--as many mothers do--the same as I would have a daughter. Since I have never experienced life as a man, I depended on my husband, their father and the men he chose to be in their lives, to shape the male aspects of my sons to be men who could meet the challenges of life as men.
I will honestly say that if I had been my sons' only parent, I would have made some major mistakes. This, along with my readings and lifelong up-close observations of how male children are socialized in other cultures, is why I know that under typical circumstances, the average mother, alone, cannot raise male children successfully.
But the ICOMSA is not just an association or even just a community, it is most importantly a 'Next Level'TM CULTURE (an interconnected system of beliefs, folkways, norms that seamlessly address needs of a group) because as a person who is steeped in comparative cultures, I know that without a culture defining, guiding, regulating, nuancing, and processing the behavior between people, there will soon be chaos in any clustering of people, ethnic group or race.
As a degreed ethnographer with multi-decades of living 24-7 in other cultural milieus, I have pointed out for years that what AAs most crucially need is NOT more money or social programs, or exterior resources. What is needed is a reasonably uplifting CULTURE (interior resource system) because "AA-black culture" as some of us once knew it is a thing of the past for the overwhelming most of AAs. Even at its zenith, AA 'culture' was actually a system of "crisis" management that AAs created and practiced to enable AAs to survive from day to day. After the "crisis" was viewed as being over, AA-black 'culture' took a swan dive. But AAs STILL needed a culture.
A crisis management system is not meant to be an enduring platform for the growth and development of people over time.
An ICOMSA is not for every AA woman because as I've pointed out many times, AA women are NOT a monolith. We in our ICOMSA are building the culture that those of us in our present and growing membership need because as one of our members pointed out: "No one knows black women the way WE know black women. LOL! So true.
So, I will veer my site more and more in that direction because this is what I consider to be my life's purpose, at this point. I will still feature some of the many pics and other news re bw on this slice and the men who love and commit to them because no people or culture will survive for long without the women being found by or finding, mating, and reproducing with quality men.
I happen to focus on black women on the interracial and intercultural relationships and marriage slices because those are the slices I've lived my entire adult life on.
Many women may decide on the men they want to have sex with, but in the patriarchal world where all women still live, it is men who select the women who they want to commit to or marry. Therefore, from the outset, I have strongly advocated that bw who desire committed relationships must vet all men and focus ONLY on the CQLL man who is the marrying kind.
As usual, please email this post to any and all who might find something of value in it. You can't force them to find value in it, but you can provide it as simply information they may want to consider.
Wells Butler (Hollywood fashion designer for various celebrities) and husband, Oliver Nathan "DJ Spider" (Hollywood DJ for celebrity parties)
Thanks, Felicia!
________________
I was going to talk more about ICOMSAs. I promise I will in my next post. For now, let me say that more and more bw are joining our CLASSAY chat groups to discuss and help to erect the types of communities that bw need in order to feel liberated and live more fulfulling lives. But I decided in this post to mention the current controversy re an article about a supposedly racially-slurred black wife in a bw-wm marriage. SMH Common sense would tell any bw to dismiss this nonsense in a NY iminute, but someone out there knows that common sense is not plentiful anymore.
BW, I've been warning y'all to expect a bunch of 'new and improved' aka more sophisticated okey-dokes to come straight at y'all to keep as many AA women in a mammy-mule state as possible--serving the needs of the unreciprocating, plagued, barren black construct. This okey doke comes from a bw (supposedly) who just needs a lil bit of advice. LOL! YOU're not supposed to be able to figure out that this okey-doke is aimed at you since it's not coming from a bm or a bm-identified bw. But the way that you identify an okey-doke is not by where or who it seems to come from, but by its impact on you and/or on many of the women who look like you. This okey-doke WILL have an impact on some unsuspecting, non-critically thinking bw and it also manages to slam white men. The pathology in this one is interesting. No longer are they saying "A white man won't marry a bw," they're now saying that if a wm marries a bw, then he's a sicko. As FK says:
"We ( BW/WM ) are some BAD-AZZES huh? LOL Folks MUST think so for these okey dokes to be continuing like this, and even revving up."
I know how some of you bw see yourselves as being responsible, conscientious women doing what you think you need to do for other folks, but you're merely being regarded and used as mules. See, I know that because people treat y'all in one way and they treat women like me differently. Many of you continue to complain, but you simultaneously continue to be the wind beneath the wings of unreciprocating others or those who don't reciprocate on par, and you certainly do the heavy lifting in what some of y'all call 'relationships--of whatever type.
But wait! Some of y'all think you can get away from lack and suffering! Perish that thought! Even if some of you think you can find love and marriage in other villages, you'll be soooooooorrrrrrrry because even when you think you've succeeded, those of the CCBC (Central Committee of the Black Community) will find a way to pee on you, no matter what. Because--just--how dare you mules think you can escape!
LOL! I'm poking fun at the folks who crafted this tripe of an article (I refuse to link to it) about that racially slurred black wife in a BWIR marriage. Naturally, black publications have picked it up and spread it like the wind, doing all they can to make it go viral, because make no mistake about it: Some folks in the black community/construct ARE having severe spasms as they see more and particularly smarter AA women leaving behind the madness of the black construct.
As a matter of fact, I'm hearing increasingly more AA folks define a smarter bw as the type of bw who has her sights set ONLY outside of the black community/construct or is already outside of it. That's ironic, isn't it? For ex., I've been told by two AA men (one in his 40s and one in his 50s) in the last few years that I'm a smart bw with good tastes and both of these men know that both of my husbands are non-AA men. These comments just came out of the blue. They didn't even go into any detail as to why they think I'm smart. But they knew that I knew exactly what they meant. LOL!
Let me make it clear that I didn't coin the term mule for the bulk of bw. Harlem Renaissance writer Zora Neale Hurston beat me to it.
So, when I first read about how a rich white husband supposedly hurled the most vile racial epithets at his black wife as they engaged in--ahem--erotic activities in the boudoir, I filed it under "okey-doke" because I knew it was carefully designed to exploit the suspicions and fears that SOME bw have about the reasons why a wm might find them appealing. I've heard all of this before. There were and are still damaged black people who see me and Darren together and they're convinced that Darren calls me n&gga b#tch every day. But the only time I was ever actually called the b-word was by an AA man I once dated.
Why hasn't anyone insisted that this supposed racially-slurred black woman come forward and show herself? BW--SHOW yourself! I'll bet that any number of media outlets would love to interview you and your husband.
But, she won't show, but even if someone did show up, I know this is a fabrication aimed at bw ONLY, to slow some down and paralyze others into extinction, as it has already done so many AA women who believed the lies as they waited forever inside the black construct to get married BEFORE having children. And now, it's too late. And, even if this story were true, why has it gotten SO much attention?
There is a staggering number of very important issues that barely get any attention. Does anyone reading this think all of these publications care about bw that much?? Please!
This is really foul for the naive bw among us, but bw, this stuff will keep coming at YOU because someone has noticed that this will most likely confuse you, slow you down, make you stop moving on. You won't see their smug "Gotcha" smiles.
Bw, you must start letting people know by your ACTIONS that they must either do one of TWO things, but please, if you must actually tell them anything, tell them this with a smile. LOL! Tell them to either (1) put up or (2) shut up and leave you alone!
People already know that other groups of women are not going to be scared away from men who those women think are good relationship prospects. WHY do they think they can succeed with these scare tactics on AA and similarly situated bw?
Bw, let me remind some of you that you were NOT born last night and the more that SOME of you bw go along with this charade and act like you believe these lies, then the more okey dokes will be churned out for YOU. Do you think these folks who are churning out lies and spreading them actually CARE about you?
Anyway, whatever you do, KEEP moving towards uplift and living well!
FK has once again written the slam-dunk response to the article. LOL!
Evia,
I want to give you a "heads up" regarding the hilarious fools at Messence [ESSENCE Magazine]. Don't worry, you know I don't read that piece of cr*p, just like I don't read any black publications because it's just more as Biden says "malarky." lol But they're obviously scared that more BW are ceasing being mules and are moving on up and OUT to quality men ( primarily white ) outside of the increasingly diseased (spiritually and physically) black construct. So, they're hyping a scare piece (I KNOW it's a lie because NO WM is going to going to marry a BW just to call her n*gger in the bedroom after it's official, when if that's how he gets his jollies, he can just see a call girl/prostititue which is a lot cheeper than marrying and divorcing).
PLUS, there are FAR more DBRBM calling BW (and themselves) n*gger these days (up close and personal not like some stormfront type idiot on the internet ) and we all know this! They've made an entire industry out of verbally attacking BW (and some stupid self-hating BW continue to support their damaged azzes) using the N word, B word, and God knows what else. Yet, Messence isn't writing anything about that.
They're scared that more BW are ceasing being mules, which means less readership of (and money going to) their rag.
Anyway, SMART BW are continuing to get the memo and marry OUT to quality men. And nothing Messence (any other publication, or so called black "intellectual") or DBRBM or DBRBW say can stop it.
FK
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As usual, please email this article to anyone who could benefit from reading it.
When others tell you--as a bw--and remind you over and over what you can't do, don't argue, don't debate, don't explain. Just look at them silently (if you need to look at them, at all). Then make sure you spend time every day doing what you need to do to improve and accentuate all the attributes YOU have. And we all have been provided an allotment of attributes, whether they're emotional, intellectual, physical, social, financial, cultural, etc.
Get and keep your attributes in polished condition. Then position yourself to move on in the various spheres of your life. And then, do it--step by step.
And if some of you wonder why there is so much negative publicity re blacks, including black celebrities, well it's because black people provide so much negative fodder without critically thinking that we're not insuring that there is enough positive material to balance the negative. Therefore, there is much IMBALANCE in the minds of most people when it comes to AAs for sure. Since AAs and other blacks don't use their money and other resources in a concerted way to make sure that there is BALANCE, then what's left in most people's minds is that blacks are at the very least a people with all sorts of rag-tag problems attached to them. Just look at this ARTICLE
So, I agree with FK when she says the following because I don't get why blacks have to engage in this continuous blabbing all of their private business. Why does this particular couple have to be the poster couple for "open marriage" even though we know that there are perhaps hundreds of thousands of American and other couples actually engaged in open marriages. Open marriages are still NOT considered "normal." They're considered a deviation, and this is why most sane people don't blab about theirs.
FK said:
I know black folks are proud of them [Will and Jada] simply because they're married and have not divorced and their children have not become statistics. Son's not in jail and daughter's not pregnant. But this "open marriage" [and man-sharing] poop are exactly why black folks [are said to] have some of the highest rates of STD's.
Do you remember that godawful song ( unfortunately it had a good beat and was danceable which helped sell it ) from back in the 90's called "You Down With OPP? ( other people's p**sy)?" Well, CRAP/hip hop "music" along with other factors were the final death nail for the black construct as a whole.
Now we all know (maybe you haven't heard but it's pretty common knowledge ) that both Will and Jada are [rumored to be] both bisexuals. Now that's their business but IMO they need to stop being beards for each other and claiming they have a "marriage." Because marriage is about MONOGAMY and forsaking all others. Swingers might as well be single if they wish to sleep around.
And in this age of terrible and painful STD's, BW should NOT accept such sh*t as telling men (we know it's BM that they're going through this mess with ) "do what you want". Because it comes back to affect THEM in the end. THEIR health and mental and emotional well being. And this swinger lifestyle is a very negative and dangerous, wrong example to set for children. Sons and daughters but especially daughters. Some black folks don't seem to be able to stop putting their damn feet in their mouth. Racist stereotypes already claim most BW are sexual freaks and will put up with whatever. It's awful when high profile BW confirm that they fit the bill.
Anyway, it's important for normal marriage minded BW to NOT look to celebrities for the answers when it comes to anything. Because most celebrities live seriously freaky lifestyles that are not to be envied.
FK
Exactly! WHY would a woman with all of her options put up with this--even IF she is what she's rumored to be? I have no problem with anyone's sexual preference as long as it doesn't involve children. But WHY would she even come close to confirming the rumors of their deviant marriage????? SMH Doesn't she realize that image is EVERYTHING because all that 99.9999999% of the rest of the world knows about any of us is our IMAGE. Doesn't she realize how this will impact her and her children?
And for any adult to say they don't care about image is a supremely naive statement that borders on stupidity.
IMO, this also represents a TOTAL lack of class on both of their parts. Money cannot and never could buy class or standards. Pretty faces don't equal class or sane standards.
Why do blacks (particularly AAs) love to BLAB?? Other people are doing the exact same and even lots more, but leave it to black people to BLAB about it. SOME of us value discretion. Obviously, these types of blacks don't.
This is a part of the reason why I'm an unapologetic PAB (passing as black). I'm not like blacks of that type in many ways, so I have self-defined. I don't want to be associated with them in ANY way.
This is why I said years ago that it's clear that an overwhelming proportion of AAs are on a suicide mission. That's their perogative. But the part that bothers the heck out of me is that when some of us say, "Well, y'all go ahead and do whatever you want and have fun doing it, but we're leaving," those insane, deviant, suicidal black folks will fight tooth and claw to hang onto us PABs and do everything they can to stop us from leaving. They clearly want to go over the cliff and are dead-set on taking the rest of us with them.
This will be the biggest war that blacks in this country will have to contend with in the next couple of decades--a civil war between those who want to live and those who are on a death crusade.
Readers, as usual, please email this post to anyone who may draw something uplifting from it.
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