Black Female Interracial Marriage™

Uncommonly Common Sense: The "He Didn't Have a Daddy" So That's Why He calls Bw the "B-Word" Okey Doke

Audrey Pulvar (French Journalist) and beau, Arnaud Montebourg (French presidential candidate)

She may be France's next First Lady.

 LINK

Thanks for this, KM!

 Wow! That would be phenomenal to have two black First Ladies of two powerful, predominantly white countries. This is why I've pointed out that the female card is the most powerful card in the deck-- when women know how to use it.

I don't know anything about politics in France, but for her to even be with him as his chosen mate/companion on his winning night raises up bw on the world stage as potential mates for powerful men everywhere. It appears from the link blurb that he is within striking distance of the French Presidency.

But this is also why some people believe we live in a post-racial world now.

 Nah!  I'd bet my money on the female card any day over ANY type of politics. The female card is way stronger than any -ism, any -ology or any -ocracy. LOL!

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Okay, I'm going to talk about the okey-doke mentioned in the title of this post that has nothing to do with this pic, but first .  .  .

Thanks, Felicia for this article link and the pic. It's not exactly about bw and interracial relationships, but it does intersect with it because it talks about bw

and their marriage prospects or the lack thereof. I'll just make a few comments about some of the points in the this survey and how it all impacts a typical bw's marriage prospects. And because it's a "survey," it will used and cited by some people like the Gospel. (sigh)

Survey Paints a Portrait of Black Women in America

http://www.cdispatch.com/news/article.asp?aid=15249

I read the article. Geez!  If black women just want to make sure that they wipe out the interest of all men in them for marriage or committed relationships, they need to make sure that someone keeps pumping out these types of articles. The funny thing is that I don't think the writer of the article had this intention at all, but the sum total of the article is that AA women are some really one-dimensional women. It seems that they're only or mainly interested in career progress, making money, and their church. I couldn't help but think as I read the article that the women described in the article don't seem to be the flesh and blood type bw I know. Unfortunately, so many people in other groups never get to meet the flesh and blood type bw I know who mainly want what other women want. Ot is it that so many AA women are not expressing their needs. Is this a communication issue? Or ?

It's important what's reported in surveys like this because when people read a survey like this and see AA women on TV or out in public, they think they know AA women. 

Some of the results of this survey just seem weird to me. Even if bw actually thought some of this, they should not have said it because it doesn't help them on certain fronts. I don't believe that telling the truth always "sets you free." LOL! I believe that telling the truth sometimes leads to traps. Just because something is true for you doesn't mean you have to tell it or tell the whole truth. Mainly, very young children or senile older people tell the whole truth. Many others in between tell a version of the truth that supports their self-interests. So I'm not saying I advocate lying.

 IMO, it is NOT good for some of this type of info to be the main info circulating about you IF you're like most women in the world who are (surprise, surprise) actually interested in finding a QLL man fairly early in life! I was like most of these other women in the world; I wanted QLL men to know they were a priority to me. Finding one for a loving and lovable partner and to father my children was near the very top of my list of priorities when I was in my mid-twenties.

I remember a Nigerian mother telling me once that she told her daughter who was in medical school that she expected her to find a husband while she was in school and not wait like an AA woman to get out of school before beginning to look for a husband. This mother was persistent about this. Well, the daughter met her husband while in medical school (he was also a doctor) and they got married right after they both graduated.

This was the expectation for me too, so I did it. I, too, placed a high premium on education, but I never saw that getting degrees cancelled out getting married--IF I mingled with compatible men who shared my values. I guess that if I were in my mid-20s now, I'd probably wait for 8-10 years too to get serious about finding a mate. I still don't understand why so many AA women think they can't do both at the same time--just like I did. I think it's mostly a matter of expectation.

Honestly, while reading this, I kept asking myself--"Have I ever met any of these types of AA women?" I'm serious because I'm beginning to question my sanity. LOL! Really, I'm beginning to question my grip on reality with this whole issue because the AA women of various ages that I meet and talk with and the numerous ones who've written me over these 5-1/2 years that I've been blogging sing a very different tune from the composite bw in the article above, for whom finding a QLL man is not a priority. And I've known many professional bw, some of whom make above 6 figures and I also know bw at the other end of the economic spectrum who get a monthly government check. I've always mixed easily with a wide variety of people, but most of the bw I've mingled with were/are professional women who make a relatively high income. The problem is that even that relatively high income does not enable them to live well because of various other factors in their lives as women.

The ho-hum attitude shown towards meeting a QLL man, as reflected in this article, definitely flies in the face of all of my experiences offline. My Gosh! Every single bw I meet offline who observes that I'm married to a QLL man asks me and even calls later to follow up with me to find out how she too can meet a man like my husband, and this is not only the case now, it was also the case when I was married before. Having a QLL man as a committed partner really, really makes a big difference in the overall quality of a woman's life and my experience is that every single bw who has observed my relationship with either man I married, wants a man of that type in her life. They can see up close what a big difference it makes in my life. Some of the things they say to me are really amazing and very poignant. One of my girlfriends told me recently that she wouldn't know what to do with herself if a man showed her the affection she saw Darren showing me, and all he was doing was putting his arm around my shoulder.  Like most women, it's easy for her to get raw, mechanical sex, but that's not affection.

So, these women offline are not on the fence about it--AT ALL. They make it very clear that they want a QLL man in their lives, yet  these articles paint a very different picture of bw who can take a man or leave him. I simply don't meet those kinds of women.

As a matter of fact, I've had problems with women due to my having a QLL mate (both husbands) and their not having one because their envy flairs up. This has happened 7 or 8 times in the last couple of decades that I've been married, and I'm not alone with these  experiences that can range from downright gritty-ugly to at the very least, unsettling. When I've talked with other AA women who have QLL mates and even one African woman friend of mine who is dating a QLL wm now, they are having or have had similar experiences with some AA women, in particular. It's gotten to the point where I don't even like to reveal to new AA women I meet that I'm even married. LOL!

So, maybe I'm imagining things, y'all. I dunno. 

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The B-Word

Recently, I was asked by a wm blogger to comment on a bw writer's  views re rapper Jay-Z putting the b-word "to rest"--since Jay-Z  now has a daughter who he realizes could be defiled by that epithet. The central question was whether whites with power  should step in to shut down the filth, once and for all since blacks obviously cannot or will not police other black people.

First, let me say, I'm WAY past sick and tired of the DBR antics of typical black men! Don't y'all ever get TIRED of talking about that? GEEZ!

So, at the end of last year, I asked y'all to just-leave-me-out-of-ALL-of-it re anything that erupts about them. Most of y'all have heard me and have left me alone. I really appreciate that!!

Y'all know by now how I feel about foul-mouthed rappers who denigrate bw and various other DBRs (damaged beyond repair) folks out there. So, you already know my views since I've never minced words about them.

However, as I pointed out to this wm blogger: I will not willingly step into a "cat fight" with another bw. I'm not saying that he considers it a "cat fight," but that's how it will be construed by many who'll grab their twizzlers and sit back to watch. I won't do this because there's NOTHING for me to gain from it or for other bw to gain.  After all, DBRs will continue to be DBRs long after any cat fight is over and will find it a tremendous source of amusement to know that they had  2 bw fighting about them--verbally or otherwise. This is how they will construe it. Even talking about them makes them feel terrific.

But here's the thing: I believe (and hope I'm wrong) that if whites were to even begin to step in to put an end once and for all to this foul public verbiage coming from AA men at AA women, many AA women will go into "Protect the bm from de evil white folks because he didn't have a daddy" mode.  Trust me--other bw protectionists  will interpret what that bw writer said as "Let's circle the wagon to protect da po bm." That's how it starts.

Even though this bw writer seems to be saying that due to white supremacy, whites should not strongarm bm to stop them or otherwise get involved in stopping the steady verbal filth (b-word, h-word, etc.) sprayed on black girls and  bw from certain bm which erodes these girls and women emotionally and spiritually, robs them daily of their dignity, etc.,  I've pointed out that whites have always been in it---in every respect--ANYWAY.  So, it puzzles me as to why she thinks they're just getting into any of this--NOW????

But I'm not seeking an answer or clarification. *Yawn* I'm really not interested in any discussion/dialoguing because talking about it is not going to stop it. Stopping it is what stops it--not mere talking about stopping it. I know the overarching white structure could stop it and I'd love it if they would just do it.

Also, while this bw writer appears to try to shame foul mouthed rappers into being the types of males/men  who don't attack women and to instead respect those women who look most like their mothers, many little black girls and bw in war zones are under heavy attack during virtually all of their waking hours, like on the way to school and work, at school, after school and work, at the community center, on the street walking to the store or elsewhere, at church--being called these names and grabbed, groped, feeling stressed or fearful to leave their house, and worse, etc. or constantly insulted when they listen to these rappers (which they shouldn't ever do--sigh). ALL of these experiences take a heavy toll on the minds and spirits of these black girls and bw. Over time, it wears them down drains many of them of their dignity.

A bit of a side note that relates back to the article above: I did find it interesting that a very high percentage of bw in the survey considered themselves to have high self-esteem (which is connected to feelings of having a high degree of dignity). Hmmmmm??? Having high self-esteem means that those women believe that they are highly lovable and highly worthy and their major decisions in life reflect that. The question is whether their behavior/decisions in major areas of life match that or did the surveyors just take their word for it? Of course, in my line of professional work, I encountered many women of all types with low self esteem, but they didn't know they had low self esteem. They did not look out for their self interests and allowed others to mistreat them, but they still didn't see that they allowed that treatment because they didn't think they deserved better. They didn't think they were worthy. The fact is that some people don't know what good/high self-esteem means.

So, the bw writer (who wrote about Jay-Z and the b-word) may be able to afford to tell whites stay out of it (since I'd bet she doesn't live in a war zone) and not intervene and to just wait on all the Jay-Zs of the world to have baby girls or to become mature (most never, ever do) before they stop calling bw the B-word, but most of the black girls and bw in the war zones under attack would NOT agree--that is, if they were in their right minds. However, many of them have been so traumatized by these relentless attacks until they're not in their right minds. And some of them think it's normal and/or think the b-word is a term of endearment. Some of them actually adore hearing themselves being referred to as the b-word and h-word. That's proof right there of their trauma.

 I want to bring attention to a couple of nuances here. Remember that black girls and bw are traumatized due to the usual everyday type micro-aggressions and insults due to sexism and racism, and then there is a specific set of these that come out of a racio-misogyny aimed ONLY at black girls and bw, especially those with a certain phenotype. Those are the black girls and bw who get shot at the most and with the most frequency and with the worst verbiage and/or physical attacks.

So, it's important for me to fully express how I feel about this issue and that's why I'm doing it here on my site. Some bw like me (and there are a few others aside from me) take their self-interests and protection seriously. Other bw obviously don't mind being savaged by bm or don't want whites to know about it when it occurs, and I sincerely wish there were a way to fully separate all bw like me from that other type of bw who has made a decision to remain quiet.

Let me make myself clear: If ANY person is savaging me and mine, I want ANYBODY from ANY ethnic, racial, religious, cultural or any other grouping to help me to behead that attacker, and I wouldn't care whether my attacker were even MY son because he's obviously out-of-control. 

I repeat: if my son is out of control to the point where he is savaging me publicly or privately, I want somebody to hurry up and take him down.  This is COMMON SENSE! He is obviously out of control, so why would I want him left alone to come to his senses on his own or in his own time because that might or might not EVER happen, and by the time it does happen (IF it happens), I may not even be alive or I could have been ground into the dirt--emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. And more than likely, he has also attacked others

 This is exactly what's happened to many AA girls and women who have been savaged by these foul mouthed creatures running amuck out there for years. This is all some young black girls and bw have known. They grew up thinking that the b-word and h-word were their first name, and I'm not exaggerating. Yet, so many traumatized AA females have tried to 'grin and bear it' because they've been indoctrinated to believe that if a black boy or bm savages you, you're supposed to be able to shrug it off because "he didn't have a daddy."

While I was going to college and grad school, I was called the b-word just walking down the streets in NYC,(as many other women were and are) and it always occurred when a bm couldn't get the type of response he wanted from me. Fortunately, for me, I didn't grow up in that urban environment and knew those males were DBRs and knew they were ill. So of course, I never accepted that the b-word or h-word was my name, so it never became a normal part of life for me or an endearment. And I was able to get away from that type of savage environment within a few years.

I remember that I once dated a higher-income AA man who called me the b-word when I decided to go to see the Alvin Ailey Dancers in DC with my cousin instead of waiting for him to decide whether he was going to buy the tickets to take me. We all know that the really good seats get sold out fast, so, I went ahead and bought the tickets for myself and my bm cousin and we went. When this guy found out, he called me the b-word, and that was the end of the relationship as far as I was concerned. He called every day during the following weeks to apologize, saying he didn't mean it and that he was just mad at me. And yeah, he used the "I didn't have a daddy, so I never saw bm treating bw the way you expect to be treated," excuse too. In general, he thought I was an "uppity" bw and had accused me several times prior to this of "trying to act like a white woman." He'd even told me once: "You're a bw; you know you're not used to being taken out to dinner." He couldn't believe that I have always had a good standard of living. He still wanted me--"uppity" or not.

I'm just trying to explain some instances where some AA women get called the "b-word." The list of reasons is exhaustive though. These have been some of my experiences. This may not be typical, but this happened to me.

To whites and other non-AAs reading this, you can't imagine how many times I've heard the "he didn't have a daddy" song, when I've questioned other AAs about bm's foul behavior. This song is sung to excuse practically anything and everything a black boy or bm does to a black female. However, if or when a black boy or bm attacks another black male verbally or otherwise, I've noticed that the tune changes abruptly. The tune changes to "Beatdown Time." LOL! It also changes when bm attack ww or wm because bm know that when they even think about savaging whites, whites do not care about whether there was a daddy. Also most AA women will go into war mode to retaliate when other bw attack them. The only time bw accept the excuses, reasons, explanations, etc. is when bm attack them--BECAUSE "he didn't have a daddy."

So the "he didn't have a daddy" excuse is really an okey-doke aimed almost entirely at AA women because AA women are the only ones who pay attention to that nonsense for more than a minute or accept it and remain quiet about their assaults.

When C. Dolores Tucker, who was an old-school bw like me, denounced foul mouthed rappers and tried to get them squelched, the black community trashed and dismissed her as being anti-bm or "out of touch." Whenever, a bw denounces bm for foul behavior of any type, this is what happens to her. The same thing happened to Alice Walker when she wrote about bm's violent behavior towards bw. So, I realize that people will accuse me of hating bm simply because I talk about or "out" the behavior of far too many bm towards bw.

But what a lot of non-AAs don't understand is exactly WHY do so many AA women outright or even seemingly try to protect bm or minimize their offenses--even when bw are their only target!!!! For ex., are bm publicly calling ww, Asian women, and Hispanic women the b-word?  Can someone send me a link to an account where this has ever occurred. And if so, how frequent is it? When bm argue about their "right" to call bw the "b-word," does this "right" extend to non-bw? 

Non-AAs simply can't understand why so many AA women who don't have, to are willing to take all of this off AA males/men. This is one key reason why even highly educated, accomplished AA women are viewed as not being smart by some non-AAs--including other black ethnics-- as indicated in the article above. I've talked about this many times. These AA women are saying that some people don't treat them like they're smart. LOL!  I don't exactly know what that mean.

I can't personally say I've ever felt that I was being treated like I'm not smart. I mean I've never felt "not smart" even though others may very well have thought that about me. LOL! So, as long as I don't think it, it doesn't matter to me.

I do know that some people in other groups (including other black ethnics) do wonder about the intelligence level of AA women. It's because too many AA women have too much that is out of balance in their PERSONAL lives which is due in many cases to their sad/sick relationships with men.

For ex., why would SO MANY "smart" women have such tawdry relationships with men? It's not the fact that there are some of these tawdry relationships because a certain number of bad relationships exist in every group; it's the high percentage of them or the lack of relationships period which keeps people focused on AA women's romantic lives. I mean, even Gayle King (Oprah's girlfriend) claims that she can't get a date! Can anyone name a ww, Asian woman, or Hispanic woman on that level who complains that she can't get a date. Please send me the link. And if Gayle actually can't get a date, why does she broadcast it? Can someone explain why to me? Is it sympathy she wants or is she asking for a man in the viewing audience to come and date her or is this her gimmick? For ex. there used to be a wm comedian whose gimmick was: "I can't get respect," and he'd say that with such a forlorn face until everyone would fall out laughing.

So, I realize that this is why I was pulled into this discussion by the wm blogger about this "b-word" nonsense, but this is exactly why I've written over and over that any typical AA woman you encounter is likely to have been indoctrinated to be a bm protectionist. My position is that these males only target bw for their insults because they know that bw have no defense and will actually accept and find excuses for them peeing on them and otherwise traumatizing them. A larger number of bw than you might think will protect these males from anyone who gets involved to stop them just like some battered women will not press charges against their battering boyfriend or husband or will actually try to fight the police officer who may come to arrest the man. 

However, I'm not a typical bw; I am PAB.

As many of us say repeatedly, AA women are not a monolith. Some of us are VERY different than the others. I respect many AA women and love some of them (and have encouraged like-minded ones of them to support each other, especially when they're uplifting bw), but I realized that AA women ARE often their own worst enemy and they can therefore easily become MY worst enemy--if I allow it. I say that because if a bw doesn't care whether a bm destroys her and those bw she may love, then she DEFINITELY doesn't care if he destroys me and mine. Many bw will deny this, but I believe that many ARE willing to sacrifice a lot and in some cases their very lives fighting to protect practically ANY bm--not just their boyfriend or a husband. That's indoctrination. That's why I wrote a few essays a few years ago where I referred to typical AA women as "suicide bombers." Trust me. I know a lot of bw suicide bombers right now.

So, whereas I'm ready to figuratively behead a bm who calls me or another bw the "b-word," I know that at this point, many of those same bw would try to hurt me first. This is one of the main reasons why I've pretty much washed my hands of AA women and their issues with AA men. They'll just have to fight it out or die trying or just become extinct, which is rapidly happening. No one wants to come out and say it, but that's exactly what's happening, daily. 

But personally speaking, YES, I most definitely want ANYONE to intervene and totally stop attackers from attacking me.

And while I'm on the subject, I feel the exact same way about the use of the N-word. I would walk out of any room where ANY black person tried to argue that it's okay to use the N-word in any context. I refuse to be around people of that type. I actually cut off my relationship with a bw professional who tried to explain to me during a phone conversation that it's okay for blacks to use that among "us." I told her, "I'm not one of YOU! Goodbye!"

It saddens me to say that I think that indoctrinated AA women have become some of the most cowardly women on earth--at this point. I guess their cowardice is a by-product of the indoctrination and the trauma, so even when they're under attack, they refuse to fight back like they mean it. I'm not from that camp. If I want someone to stop attacking me, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to stop them. I don't care whether the attacker had a daddy or a mommy or anything else, and I would love it if someone else intervenes to stop them. It simply doesn't matter because this is how humans learn NOT to attack others. CONSEQUENCES. Anything else is hot air. Period.

 

 

FlashPost: "Red Tails" & the Drip-Drip-Drip and Maria McKenzie's Book: "The Governor's Son"

I am VERY happy to present to my readers this video from author, Maria McKenzie, where she talks about and reads from  her captivating interracial novel: "The Governor's Son".

The book is available on Amazon for Kindle and at Barnes and Noble. Shucks! Why aren't book like this one made into movies????

She and her husband, Richard,  are on our SLICE of life. Also, pls scroll to the bottom of this post and read how they met. They've been married now for 17 years and have 2 children.

 

 

Bw-Wm couple in David's Bridal Video AD CLICK link  Thanks, CA!

This morning, Darren (as he has done 95% of the mornings since we were married) got up at 6:30  a.m. or so, went downstairs, made coffee and brought it up to me where I was still lying in our toasty, warm bed. MMMMM LOL!  I always drink my coffee with soy milk which he pours into a small pitcher and brings along on the tray.  Actually, I would make the coffee sometimes, but he doesn't trust me to make it. Darren is a super easy guy to live with, but he's a stickler when it comes to making the coffee. He's a coffee fiend, so it has to be made just right. So, I don't dare even try! 

So we sat and sipped silently for a few minutes. I was tired so I stayed in bed a bit longer than usual. But before I got out of bed, he asked me whether I wanted to go and see the George Lucas-produced movie, "Red Tails" about the black Tuskeegee Airmen. I told him "No." I told him I preferred instead to see the movie produced and starred in by Queen Latifah: "JOYFUL NOISE."  I've heard from a few sources that "Joyful Noise" is an excellent movie that is fun and very enjoyable. It also features at least one black woman in an interracial relationship with a wm who pursues her, in a "normal" way. However, there are also a number of other bw in the movie plus I always liked Dolly Parton (ww country singer and actress).

Alyssa and Scott (Just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary) CONGRATS!! They have 1 son.

I'll stick the pic in the gallery at bit later, Alyssa. I hope the years have--to use an old Alabama expression--'agreed' with y'all. LOL! 

Readers, remember, I'm sticking more and more pics straight into the galleries. I stuck Alyssa's and Scott's pic here because of their recent anniversary.

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Re a bw being romantically pursued in a respectful "normal" way, well, Wow!  That is such a rare depiction in popular culture or in everyday life--for a man to pursue or "court" a bw in a "normal "way--based on what I read, see, catch glimpses of, hear, etc.  So why do so many bw support movies, TV shows, etc. where bw receive no tenderness, are called "b's" and "h''s" and get treated like slutty pieces of meat or aggressive, loudmouth behemoths--or are invisible or non-existent, as in "Red Tails."

Just received this note from BW. Thanks, BW. I know you're simply trying to keep me informed about happenings involving those on the BWIIM&R SLICE.

I just wanted to drop you an email to say hello and also wanted to know if you could mention on your site (I don’t think I saw it on there) that George Lucas ‘s (Melody Hobson’s awesome [significant other]) movie “Red Tails” is being released to theaters today. Thanks.

Re: "RED TAILS" movie--My Response to BW:

 I'm curious?  Is there a black woman co-starring or prominently featured in this movie at all--as the mother, the wife, girlfriend, sister, etc. depicted in a positive way?  We all know that those men wouldn't have been anything without bw playing a prominent role in their lives, so hopefully that is a key  part of the movie. And if not, I'm honestly not interested in mentioning it (or at least not encouraging anyone to see or support it). It simply won't promote our (bw's) interests.

And y'all know me. I believe that bw must focus almost exclusively on promoting and protecting OUR interests because unlike other groups of women, AA women, for sure, don't have large numbers of men waiting in line to marry us, slash others down to protect us, or scale mountains and swim seas as many men of other races and ethnic groups are still very willing to literally do for the women in their group.

Yet bw are supposed to support this movie????????????????????  Precisely WHY?

This is a excerpt I took from this black man's review at http://politic365.com/2012/01/20/a-red-tails-review-the-good-the-bad-and-the-ugly-truth/

"The only female character in the entire film is an Italian woman named Sophia that Lightening starts kicking it with. Unlike just about any other war film ever made NONE of the other characters have a sweetheart at home or a wife or kids etc. I’ve met a few Tuskegee Airmen, lots of them had a nice sista at home that they were writing to and hoping to come back home and marry, but apparently this wasn’t a part of the plan for Red Tails. Therefore the only love in the film is interracial, and forced at that."

 Yet bw are supposed to support this movie???????????????????? WHY?

Before I saw this review, I wondered about bw characters or the same thing. My concern is the total lack of bw in the movie, and in particular: bw of any age featured in a positive, uplifting way, not necessarily a sexual or romantic one.

Yet bw are supposed to support this movie????????????????????  WHY?

Btw, I don't think that a bw should be on the big or small screen AT ALL if she's not depicted in a positive, appealing way.  

But, let's examine this.  In virtually any movie about white men in war or whatever, ww are always featured as the love interest (sometimes, maybe even in a picture that the white soldier is carrying that he gazes at longingly or he or someone else mentions her) or viewed as being worthy of love and appreciation in some kind of way. When you add up all of those ways in which ww are positively featured or viewed positively by men, altogether, it creates a portrait of ww as very lovable, desirable women--and overwhelmingly so by BOTH many white and non-white men.

Let me make myself clear: I do NOT blame wm AT ALL for upholding, promoting ww as the 'most beautiful and most worthy of them all." That's NORMAL.That would be like blaming me for thinking that my children are the most wonderful children in the world. LOL! They just ARE and they always will be UNLESS they made it clear that they regard me in a foul, less-than way.

So, ww get the lion's share of the female accolades (positive drip-drip and more postive drips in the social romantic and otherwise positive capital bucket) while bw support others bigtime even when bw, in general, are invisible or featured negatively. That's a drip-drip-drip leaking out bw's social/romantic/positive capital bucket,  sliding away from bw.

 And bw, in aggregate, can blame no one for most of this--THESE days--but themselves because people know what YOU support and what you don't BECAUSE the way YOU spend your $$$$$ tells them that loudly and clearly. It doesn't matter what a person says with their mouth.

So, in a very direct way, this is one of those "bw sinking themselves" notes that I'm responding to, but it's not an obvious bw-sinker.  I realize that BW (the note sender) didn't think that it was a bw-sinker because many, many AA women, for sure, do not understand the numerous ways in which they contribute to their own drip-drip-dripping away--out of sight--or being women whose opinions and feelings are not considered important. So the note-sender sounded thrilled that this movie that features NO bw is on the big screen. I don't know whether BW is a black woman, but if so, why would this make her happy?

Yes, black people participate in many areas of life in American where their likeness and even the most positive aspects of what's known as AA culture is not reflected or not approved of and we often feel like we've been cancelled out in those situations. I've felt that way many times, but I would never "pay" to go to those places--when I know in advance. Almost always, those places are paying me or rewarding me in some significant way, so if I go, I get PAID.

 Y'all can jump up and down and scream all kind of cuss words at me, but the bottom line is that IF the 2 AA men who wrote the movie had considered bw and bw's feelings to be important, there would have been bw in the movie, in a contextual way.  YET, bw are expected to pay to come to see it. They would have to pay ME! LOL! 

I CAN give George Lucas a pass on this rendering of bw's presence as unimportant in this movie because he doesn't KNOW how bw feel, in general. Just because a wm has a bw girlfriend or wife  doesn't mean he knows or has internalized the collective unconscious of black/AA women. And a bw girlfriend or wife can't be on a white boyfriend's or husband's shoulder 24-7 directing him in all of his dealings with the sensitivities and sensibilities of bw. LOL! And the fact is that George Lucas has done magnanimous things for the bc--moneywise and otherwise.

Bw have to become much, much, MUCH more shrewd and keep a keen eye out for those critical NUANCES and NOT willy-nilly support anything just because it has blacks in it. I personally do NOT support or promote anything that I can detect doesn't promote bw in a positive way because I know it will most likely come back directly or indirectly to bite ME in the butt and I will be the loser. But I don't broadcast my non-support; I just don't support it.

 And I'm PAB (passing as "black"), so if I'm analyzing things to see what might possibly come back to bite me since I appear to be "black," then you "black to the bone" bw who consider the bc to be your one and only "home" KNOW you need to keep your brain cells whizzing.  I don't know about you or any other bw, but I simply cannot AFFORD to support or promote anything that doesn't show or promote how wonderful and worthy I am (LOL!) AND protect my interests.

Yes, my father was a veteran, but he loved his mother and various other bw and he SHOWED it. He incurred a lifelong, debilitating injury, while fighting in a war for this country. But he never slighted bw, and I always knew he was very proud of me.

_________________________________

  Maria and Richard McKenzie's Story

My marriage has inspired me to write tales of forbidden love.  My name
is Maria McKenzie, and years ago, I was a librarian.  It wasn’t until
after getting married that I became a writer, and my marriage is what
led me to begin writing in the first place.  I am the author of a
forbidden love story entitled The Governor’s Sons
(http://www.amazon.com/The-Governors-Sons-ebook/dp/B005WMLA6E/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1326760760&sr=8-2).
But before I published that novel, I wrote another one called
Unchained.

Unchained is a story about a slave girl who is helped to escape from
bondage by a young abolitionist who falls in love with her.  I came up
with this story idea when I began thinking how sad it would have been
if my husband and I  had fallen in love 200 years ago.  Back then, we
wouldn’t have been able to marry, because he’s white, and I’m black.

Interracial love isn’t forbidden nowadays, but it still tends to be a
sticky topic.  So let me tell you about how I met my husband.  When I
passed the age of 30, my mother had given up hope that I’d ever get
married, and she used to tell me all the time, you’ll never meet
anybody sitting in your apartment.

She was right, but I was a librarian—and an introvert by nature. I’d
do public service all week, and on the weekends, I enjoyed staying
home and reading books.  But I finally did discover something that got
me out of the house more—running!

It was a little hard at first, but I finally got pretty good and built
up my endurance.  After a few months, I started running about 5-7
miles every day after work.  And about a year later, my future
husband, Richard noticed me.

But he’d only see me one day a week, on Thursdays, when my work
schedule was 12 noon to 9 pm.  On those days I’d run at 7 in the
morning.  He couldn’t figure out where I’d come from, and he’d only
see me sporadically.

Weeks passed, and he told his sister, Suze about me, and when they
took a trip to the Grand Canyon, he bought jewelry for me from an
Indian reservation—even though he’d never even met me!  Suze laughed.
“What if she’s married?”  But this didn’t deter Richard.  “I’ve looked
closely,” he replied.  “I haven’t seen anything sparkling on her ring
finger.”

As time passed, he kept telling his good friend Kevin about me.  But
Kevin got sick of hearing him go on and on and finally said, “I don’t
want to hear anything about her again unless you ask her out!”

Then finally, one Friday evening in the summer, Richard saw me
running.  He was on his way to meet Kevin at a pub.  But the only way
he’d mention me again to Kevin was to ask me out.  So Richard pulled
his car over to the sidewalk where I was jogging and said, “Excuse
me.”

I stopped.  Living in Cary, North Carolina, a bedroom community to
those who worked in Research Triangle Park, it wasn’t unusual for
someone driving a car to stop and ask a  runner for directions.

Just as I was wondering where this guy was trying to go he said, “I’ve
seen you running.”  Well at that comment, I figured he was some know
it all jock who wanted to tell me my technique was all wrong.  I was
prepared to thank him and be on my way—and not take his advice because
I’d read Jim Fixx’s book on running, and I knew all I needed to know
about running.  (Jim Fixx died while running, but we won’t go there.)
The next thing Richard said just fell out of his mouth.  He didn’t
even take a breath and it really caught me off guard.  “I just want to
tell you that I think you’re extremely attractive, and I want to ask
you to lunch.”

I was rather shocked to hear this, Richard’s  handsome with beautiful
green eyes.  The eyes are the mirror to the soul, and his looked
honest.  I’d also glanced down into his car from where I was standing
and noticed that his legs were long.  Handsome, tall, and bold—just to
pull over and ask me out.

So, Richard seemed like a nice enough guy, but despite this I jested,
“Okay, as long as you’re not a rapist or an ax murderer.  At this he
replied, “Oh, no, no! I’m just a regular guy, I live right here,” he
pointed to his apartment complex about an eighth of a mile away, “and
I work in the Park.”

Employed in RTP! I took his business card.  But then I was caught off
guard again when he said, “So can I have your number?”  I hesitated,
but his eyes looked so sweet, I gave it to him.

We both love Indian food, so our first date was at an Indian
restaurant.  Now, I’ve been mistaken for a lot of things, so I wanted
to make sure Richard knew I was black, and not Egyptian, Greek, or
something else, so he wouldn’t freak out.  So, during the course of
our first date, I said, “You do know I’m black?”  A look of surprise
crossed his face.  “No,” he said, “you mean that doesn’t wash off.”

He cooked for me on our second date, and made one of the best meals
I’ve ever had.  Things were getting serious at this point. After 2
dates, we really liked each other, and my mom was pleased to know that
I was dating a really nice guy.  She didn’t mind him being white, but
she was concerned that he could  cook. After telling her about the
grilled salmon, asparagus and rice pilaf, she said, “Are you sure he
doesn’t have a little sugar in him?” Translation, “Are you sure he’s
not gay?” He’s not!

I cooked for our next date.  I was vegetarian then, so I made this
wonderful casserole with veggies, cashews, and my favorite
ingredient—mushrooms! The salad I served was jam packed with
mushrooms, as well.  Richard cleaned his plate and told me how
delicious everything was.  I didn’t learn until months later that he
hates mushrooms.  In fact, he’s  petrified of mushrooms and claims to
be mentally allergic to them!

When he told his mother that he’d eaten mushrooms on our date, she was
shocked.  “For you to eat mushrooms, you must really like her,” his
mom said.  “So, what does she look like?” she asked.  To this Richard
replied, “She’s an—extreme brunette,” and left it at that.

We met in July, and by September we were talking about getting
married.  Now, around this time, he’d gotten information about his
10th high school reunion and he’d invited me to go. This meant I’d get
to meet his parents.  However, he still hadn’t told them everything
about me, like that I’m black.

So, unbeknown to me, the day before we were to arrived, he called his
parents. “By the way,” he said, “More than just Maria’s hair is
extreme brunette—she’s black.”  Now, I wasn’t privy to this
conversation, but I’m sure there were a few long moments of dead air.
I didn’t even know this conversation  took place until we’d been
married a few years.  I’d just assumed he’d told them from the get go,
but no—he had to shock them the day before our arrival!

I suppose whatever he told them about me put their minds at ease,
because our first meeting was a very pleasant one!

Richard and I met in July of 1994 and married in July of 1995.  So
seventeen years and two kids later,  my mother was right--getting out
of my apartment got me a wonderful husband! And my interracial
marriage also opened up a brand new career for me as a writer!

Many thanks to Eve, for letting me share my story!

Please visit my website at www.mariamckenziewrites.com.
Maria McKenzie Author of The Governor's Sons

Sample or purchase The Governor's Sons:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Governors-Sons-ebook/dp/B005WMLA6E/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1318938601&sr=1-5

www.barnesandnoble.com
Web site: mariamckenziewrites.com
YouTube Book Reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnMMPBNTWpA

BWIIM&R SLICE: SLICE News and My Take on This and That

Click on the links to find out what's happening on the SLICE!

Engaged: Audra McDonald (Tony Award-winning actress) and Will Swenson (actor) . Thanks for this link, ML!

Married:1- Allison Vann and Craig Bowman - Washington Post

2 - Katie Rost weds James Orsini - Washington Post

Thanks for these links, EA!

Recent NORDSTROM AD  with bw-wm couple.  These images in advertising influence HUGE numbers of people and on a very deep level!! Thanks for this :-)!

This particular ad is a GOOD type of influence because it erodes barriers between human beings.  Barriers between human beings are the MAJOR source of all human conflict and I think it's clear by now that if these barriers continue, humans won't survive as a species.  

This is why I've religiously worked against anyone instilling these barriers in my sons. There's nothing that I react to more strongly than that because that's a type of secretly seeping poison for life.

So, I'm an advocate for the removal of ALL UNwholesome barriers or those that lessen positive human interaction  between consenting "adults." However,   I realize that when the term 'consenting adults' is used, many people automatically think about sex. LOL! Since I know that, I'll eleborate.

 I emphasize 'consenting ADULTS' here because I don't think that there's anything too bad to do to an adult who preys on an underage person or a child.  I'm anti-dealth penalty, however, if there's any group of adults who would cause me to change my mind, it's adults who sexually prey on children or minors.

 I think that we need to stop tap-dancing about this, as I hear and read so many adults doing--that is, until their child or a child they care about is preyed on!

Children and underage teens CANNOT EVER consent to sex. We KNOW how easily swayed underage people are because just look at how easily manipulated many fully-grown adults are by Madison Avenue!!!!!  Even highly intelligent people who are very much above the age of adulthood get scammed everyday by other adults, so how dare anyone say that a child knew what they were doing????   So to even try to claim that a 15-year old male or female teenager "agreed" to have sex with an adult male or female puts you in the" possible predator" category for me. I'm saying that I'd make sure that you weren't around my own children or I'd point out to my children that you just might be a possible predator--IF you made that claim in our vicinity.  For instance, I'm very wary of any adult who tries to argue that just because a 12 or 14 year old girl, for ex., is well developed or liked the attention of men, that she was "asking for it." Nope, that adult male is a predator if he responds sexually to that child, and anyone who argues that he's not totally responsible for his actions, is a possible predator, IMO.

GAMEFLY Ad featuring bw-wm family on Youtube

Thanks, AB for the video LINK!

We also should just admit that many people who are legally adults should NOT be having sex, because they're not capable of handling the consequences. Left up to me, the "age of consent" for sex would probably be about 25. LOL!

Anyway,  Madison Avenue could be extremely useful toward this end of removing barriers, if ads like this one prove to be profitable. Remember that the money trail drives virtually everything in a capitalistic society and in most other societies that claim they hate capitalism. LOL!  So, this is why I encourage those on the BWIIR&M SLICE to support stores and other businesses that feature or reflect us. Shop with them and WRITE to them, letting them know that you've noticed and that you will spend your money with them and you will encourage others to do the same--which is exactly what I'm doing by showing and writing about these ads here.

Mad. Ave is a multi-billion dollar  industry because they are VERY effective at selling, which actually means separating people from MOST of their money. LOL! If most Americans are virtually broke, in debt, or with small or no savings accounts, it's mainly due to the effectiveness of Madison Avenue.

Mind you, I'm NOT blaming Madison Ave. It does what it's supposed to do.

 From my observations and readings, the low-savings rate among many Americans or outright poverty is not nearly so much due to lack of money, but to MISuse of money.

Why isn't there a major industry or thrust in this society to teach people the VALUE of hanging onto their money?  Well, there is in certain small segments of certain cultures, but not among most others--because this is a capitalistic society. If you don't use common sense and discipline everyday, you and your money will soon be parted.

This VALUE (of using money wisely) is noticeably  NOT there among many lower income people and/or people who think that they don't measure up in some way, and these two often intersect. I'm just mentioning these two groups, but there are others. It is much easier for Mad. Avenue to separate people in certain categories from their money than it is for them to succeed with ease at this with other categories of people because Mad. Ave.--and some others--are keenly aware of the values of people in various segments of society. I KNOW I'm not supposed to say that low income people often misuse their money. LOL! I know I'm supposed to campaign for more lower income people to make more money. However,  I've not believed more money to be an effective remedy against poverty and blighted lives for a long time because I've noticed that many lower income people greatly misuse their money AND their time. I've worked with lower-income whites, blacks, and Hispanics.

Some may say that instead of pointing out what lower income people do wrong, why not point out what they could do right. Okay.  The overwhelmingly most effective weapon against poverty is more knowledge  or I should say more APPLIED knowledge.  The main reason why many lower income people (these days) spend gobs of their money or all of it (which enriches others) is because many of them believe they don't measure up.

 I'm not saying that only lower income people do this or are the only ones who do it for this reason. The main reason why lower income people are focused on in this respect and in others is because when lower-income people lack money for vital necessities, others of us are called on to help them out. Let's face it. When a middle or upper income person lacks money for vital necessities, no one expects the rest of us to have sympathy for them or go running to help them out, or not personally or out-of-pocket.

I've noticed that American culture is one that teaches huge numbers of people that there is something wrong with them, that they don't "measure up" in some way. But the "solution" for not measuring up can always be bought and is available at local stores or can be ordered. LOL! Madision Avenue is a supremely effective agent at teaching that there's something wrong with most of us AND at advertising how and where the solution can be bought.

In response to my comment in my last post about the harm from using chemicals inside and outside our bodies, MM sent me this video, which proves this point. THANKS, MM because this feeds right into the point I'm making about Mad. Ave.  This video features a bw, but women of ALL groups consume and apply a gazillion chemicals or use other means to get rid of or alter what's supposedly wrong with them.

Skin Bleaching Video

 I would NOT judge this woman. She is not preying on anyone else. So I ask y'all pls don't judge her. Even if you do judge her, just keep it to yourself.  Or just think about the poison YOU may be using. It's easy for some to judge her because they've never experienced her hell, her reality. She has simply been poisoned in a certain way and has found relief from her poison by doing what she does. Be thankful that you don't share  her reality or find it necessary to seek that type of relief.

IMO, she and many other women (of all groups) who use poisonous chemicals and other extreme measures (surgery, etc.) to alter their natural selves "to get attention" are playing with deadly poisons,  but that's another story that whole volumes are already written about.

This is just ONE type of poison that some women use or consume, because many women have been taught that somehow we don't measure up in this way or that way, so someone "out there" has the antidote, and it can be bought. LOL!

Sugar is also a chemical--a drug.  So, why aren't sugar-users or those who become unealthily overweight from excessive use of it also criticized the way someone who uses bleaching cream is criticized? Madision Avenue is also an agent in many people becoming addicted to sugar and then it turns around and advertises ways to lose the weight. SMH.  Mad. Avenue is simply a tool and like most other tools, it can used to help or harm people. It all depends on WHO is profiting.

The bottom line is that some drugs and chemicals are heavily approved or endorsed by society and others are not--depending on the users and those who stand to profit. However, chemicals themselves are not politically correct or discriminatory; they don't care who they destroy.

 A note from a bw married to an Asian man:

 Hi Eve:

 I stumbled on your website at midnight while surfing the net. I was looking for good pics of r&b singer Jon B...I found one of him and his wife and it lead me to your page. Very interesting indeed! I'm a 48 yr old black woman who's been married to my husband for 17 years, he is Asian. I'll tell you, it's been an amazing journey. I wish a website like yours existed when I was growing up. Please add me to your list of subscribers. Thanks!! 

A

 

 

BWIIM&R SLICE: Is Marriage Necessary for a Woman--Like Me? YES!

I will make a few changes in the site in the next few days and year. Among these are a new banner and a new slant. I will discuss the new slant below. First . . .

Mellody Hobson ("Good Morning America" Investment Guru) and longtime Partner, George Lucas (reputed almost- billionaire "Star Wars" Creator) at an exclusive New Year's Eve island bash to which only the super rich were invited.  

Thanks, SB for the link!  You can just tell that these 2 are a committed couple. LOL! 

LINK

 SB said:  "Notice the pics .  .  . especially the one at the bottom where he is carefully seeing to her welfare by wrapping her up in a towel on the yacht taking them back to their hotel!  

Also notice her natural look with her braids."

Thanks, SB,  for pointing out her hairstyle. I usually don't notice a bw's natural hair. Since I've worn my hair naturally for decades, I consider natural hair "normal." I tend to mostly notice a bw's hair a LOT more when it's chemically straightened.  LOL!

More about this later, which I'll express below. No criticisms of bw about their hair though, but I do have a few thoughts I want to lay out here.

 And yes, I love the tenderness he's showing her. Most women love, love, love those little tender touches. LOL!  I'd say to any woman that if her man doesn't do things like that for her naturally (since SOME men learn from their backgrounds to express this kind of tenderness and some don't), a woman should tell him or teach a QLL man to do this.  It's little romantic touches like that that endear a man to a woman. Those little touches will cause many women to love her man even more and make her want to satisfy him in various ways.

____________________________________

Okay .  .  .  0ver five years ago, I started blogging about my intercultural/interracial relationships, my intercultural and interracial minglings, marriages, and the life I've lived and continue to live on the Black Women Intercultural/Interracial Marriage&Relationship (BWIIM&R) SLICE of life.  I've always kept a journal of sorts, so blogging about some of my thoughts, experiences about that SLICE and about a broad range of related topics was the perfect fit for me.  .  .  .

[Geraldine and James met online a couple of years ago, and are now married.]

.  .   . I haven't written nearly as much as I'd like about my broad-ranging personal perspectives since I took a detour and highlighted many of the issues that various other segments of bw grapple with in their lives. I've missed writing about MY perspectives about whatever.

So I will shift the EZINE'S focus starting with this post to the following broad areas (and possibly a few others).

(1) I will get back to sharing my perspectives about whatever--not about what some of YOU may have asked me to write about. LOL! I really enjoyed capturing MY thoughts and experiences in my blog when I first started, so there's no reason not to continue it now. Of course, I could choose to focus on the dismal and the dreary, but I can just as easily choose NOT to cover that.  What we focus on is a choice we each make--from moment to moment.

I, therefore, ask you again NOT to send me any kind of news, links, videos, etc. re bm and bw tussling it out in their relationships, either pre, during, or post. I'm also not interested in news about indoctrinated bw sinking as a result of engaging in the tussle or sinking after she's lost the tussle or any kind of news about delusionary bw. I've dedicated 5 years now toward outfitting my indoctrinated sisters with a mentality that would guarantee them a better way of life, but I've always realized that bw are far from monolithic and we weren't all destined to have the same or even a similar fate.

Shannon and Geir

So PLEASE don't send me the dismal and drearies. It will be a hard habit for some of you to break your fixation on that kind of "news" but I've told you many times that there's no point in beating a dead horse. You can CHOOSE to stay there and beat it, and watch it rot OR you can CHOOSE to walk away with a smile, grateful that you're one of the ones who learned it was dead, in time. It's YOUR choice.  I'm thankful that I chose the latter group very early in my life. You can choose it today, if you' haven't already.  At any rate, don't send it to me because I will ignore it.

(2) I will also report news and events concerning other inhabitants of this particular SLICE of life. We are a rapidly growing SLICE of the American population, for sure, so  we want to read about us and see ourselves and our lives reflected online and in print, just like any other group of which we are a member.

(3) For all of you who've asked, yes you can now advertise your items here at the updated EZINE MALL.  Please contact me for the details, which depend on the type and size of your ad.

 (4) I will focus on writing "BUTTERFLITIA" using a serialized chapter format. I've wanted to write these stories for years. These will be serialized stories laced with suspense and light romance depicting black women as intelligent, purposeful, lighthearted, desirable women displaying butterflitia (butterfly) behavior. Most of the women live on the interracial/intercultural SLICE of life. In key ways, BUTTERFLITIA is a "parallel world" with huge chunks of the same world that some of us live in everyday. It consists of internal and external dimensions where many black women are able to live lives that differ remarkably from the ones typical bw live in the United States.

I think of BUTTERFLITIA as a place where some AA women already live, where others could live,  or as they should live.

In writing these stories, I'm not making an attempt to write "great" literature. I plan to have fun while depicting a world that already exists (for some) with a slab of creative fancy thrown in.
Those who make  a $2.95 donation to the site for each desired chapter can receive the chapters as they are written for their Kindle, Nook, iPad, iPhone, etc. in PDF form. This is the price of a comic book these days. Or wait until the entire series is complete and purchase the book.

(5) Given that BUTTERFLITIA will take up gobs of my time, I will continue to post all the news sent to me about the BWIIM&R SLICE, HOWEVER, I will not display nearly as many pics in my posts. I will instead stick pics in the IR photo albums located in the EZINE's sidebars. I will  post LINKS to pics in my posts here, along with suitable videos, article links, notes from readers, etc. and share my perspectives about them when I see fit. I just won't take the time needed for managing the pics.

In other words, the main change with the pics is that I won't post as many pics INSIDE my posts, because that whole process sucks up lots of my time. I've already posted a gazillion pics and as I said, all such pics sent to me will be put in the photo albums or readers can simply follow the link to the site where the BWIR pics are posted as HERE. This is how I will handle many of the pics or links. Saves time!

Now I don't like the name of that site, but I realize that some people express themselves this way and it certainly will get attention. The point is that these bw mingle on the BWIIM&R SLICE, so I post the link here, and as long as they're VETTING these men and looking out for their health, safety, and interests--'first and foremost', I'm not mad at them. LOL! I, too, did "research" before I married. THANKS for the link, NR!

ABOUT MARRIAGE--

Okay, I mentioned above that I would begin talking about some of the benefits and joys of marriage. I've been married most of my life and I've enjoyed being married practically every single day, all of these years. I got divorced from a man who I will always respect and be fond of, but I  married again to a QLL man because I really like being married. IF a woman is in an averagely satisfying marriage (ASM), there are tremendous benefits for her of various types. One of the benefits of being in an ASM  for a woman is that you have another adult who is LEGALLY vested in promoting and protecting your interests BECAUSE your interests have become his interests also.

 This gives any woman a layer of security that is immeasureable. This layer of security spreads throughout her life.  So, even while you're asleep or even when you may be as angry as heck at him, he simply cannot afford to NOT promote and protect your interests. Of course, the assumption here is that your husband is a reasonably intelligent, emotionally well-adjusted QLL man.

And this is a 2-way street; marriage favors a man in an ASM for the SAME reason. This is just ONE of the many reasons why research shows that married people in ASMs are much better off emotionally, financially, healthwise, etc. than typical single people, in the long and short run. This is why in a society such as this one where traditional family ties are much weaker or non-existent in some cases, and extended families are a thing of the past, I'd think that MORE people would be attracted to marriage. 

Who is going to "BE THERE" for YOU? Who is 'legally vested' in "being there" for you? 

For ex., let's just say I've been dating or living with a man (who has refused to marry me). We've been dating or living together for more than enough time for him to marry me. Someone has won a lawsuit against him and he will have to pay thousands of dollars in damages or he could lose his house or go to jail or he's in danger of losing something else valuable. He's depressed and I feel bad for him, however, I'm not about to touch my 401K or other assets because he's simply my boyfriend. We're not married, so I would NOT touch my assets for a man who refuses to marry me or doesn't trust in me or our relationship enough to marry me. Of course, I might love him and hate the fact that someone has sued him, HOWEVER, I know that legally, my money can't be touched.

(And I, alike MOST human beings, have a SELF-preservation streak in them. LOL!) So, I'd say all of the right things to soothe him and may even offer to lend him a bit of the money (if he's been a QLL man to me), HOWEVER, I could just as well decide I don't want to do even that with a man who won't commit. As a woman with common sense, I know that's VERY risky for me because if a man refuses to marry me, he's telling me something very important, and I'm the type of woman who pays attention to a man's BEHAVIOR of love (or lack of it), not his words of love! LOL! So .  .  .  .

However, IF he is my HUSBAND, I know that in most cases, I wouldn't have that choice because I know that legally, my assets would or might easily also be in jeopardy. So, we are in that tight spot TOGETHER. Therefore, I'd have a LEGALLY vested interest in helping him to minimize or avoid the damages, if at all possible. I would therefore burn that "midnight oil" WITH him, searching for a way out.

That's just one of many thousands of examples of the difference between being married to someone and simply being their "boo."  Having another full-fledged, responsible adult LEGALLY vested in promoting and protecting your interests is a MAJOR plus. This is a form of WEALTH!  Many people know this, but they don't actually come out and talk about this explicitly because this is just commonly understood in most segments of society. This is common sense.

This is just ONE of the many reasons why I KNEW I simply couldn't afford to remain single. I just couldn't afford it.

More about Hair--

The only other thing I'd point out about those hair altering  chemicals  and those that dye hair is  that  they are CHEMICALS. This doesn't just apply to bw or even just to women, but chemicals usually have a negative impact on people. Ask a chemist about that. No one, to my knowledge, has written about the adverse effect of prolonged use of those harsh hair-altering chemicals on women's health because billions of dollars are at stake. THINK about it!

Flashpost: Happy New Year 2012!! Art Imitates Life: Bw in the Media in Exodus

Happy New Year (in advance)!   Darren and I are out of town for the week. I'm putting up the post tonight because I won't be able to do it in the next couple of days due to social events and traveling.

Dec. 24, 2011 Yahoo Ad featuring bw-wm couple   Thanks, SR!

We usually welcome in the New Year away from home. We started doing that before we got married and we continue it. Since we live on a rural farm most of the time, a vacation for us is always in a big city.  Big cities are so vibrant, so stimulating and with so much raw creativity to see and enjoy. And we like walking around, to be in the mix of it all.

Since we've arrived, Darren has probably walked 7 or 8 miles each day and I've done an average of  about 3 each day.  He goes out 4 or 5 separate times daily on long walks, whereas once I go out and get back, I usually don't go far from the apartment we rent. LOL! So, it's been so much fun to just be with each other exploring unfamiliar nooks, museums, performances, recalling memories of times spent together on other outings, creating more memories, and it's not over yet.  We have a couple more days here.

Well, in 2012, of course, I'll continue to post all the news I can get re  black women in interracial/intercultural relationships and marriages here, as well as related news stories, pics, videos, happeings, etc. at the EZINE. That's OUR news, so who's more interested in posting and reading it than us?? After all, these relationships reflect the KEY relationships in OUR lives--our mates and children.

As many of you know, I've lived on that SLICE of life all of my adult life. This is why I always literally laugh out loud when anyone asks me why do I have a site dedicated to  these types of relationships. LOL!  DUH! I'm talking about MY life.   This site reflects that SLICE of life for me and for the growing number of other bw and their mates and families who inhabit this IR/IC SLICE of life--and the many others who are interested in reading and knowing about us.

Here's a couple from that SLICE of life--Michael Steger and Brandee Tucker-Steger Thanks, VFB for the video links!

 

Thanks to the internet,  those who send me content and my readers, of course, can always catch up with me. So I've received a bunch of content over the last couple of weeks, some of which shows that more and more bw are exercising their options to date and mate out and others are mos def in that "exodus state of mind."

Just got this today. Thanks Lorraine and  MB for this clip from the new upcoming movie (video below) of: "JOYFUL NOISE," featuring a bw-wm romance. The bw is Keke Palmer and the wm is Jeremy Jordan.  

Lorraine, I agree. It seems to be such a fun movie, and the best part is that it's not featuring this couple as black and white, but as simply two seemingly responsible young people who want to be together. Now, how natural is that?? VERY!  

And yes, "bw should  go to see this movie in droves" and write and  tell the producers why. It's so refreshing to see a YOUNG bw in a romance movie where a young man shows his very definite interest in her in a respectful way. Notice that I didn't say a "hookup"  or "pain porn" movie or those "othering" movies where bw are made to appear big, rough, aggressive, coarse, strong, and scary.  I refuse to go to those movies and pay to be disrespected or "othered." I even turn off any TV show I might run across where the bw is "othered" in any way. However, many bw are only too willing to play the role of the "othered" type of woman, so they are partly responsible for this image/role.

I hope you bw who are reading this will vow to NEVER, EVER support anything in any way in which bw are "othered."  When you are treated, depicted, or talked about in a way that shows that anyone thinks you, as a bw, don't need LOVE, PROTECTION, TENDERNESS, SUPPORT, etc, like most women in other groups do, you are being "othered."

QLL men are willing to treat you exactly the way other women are generally treated because a QLL man already has his character formed and does not change his behavior from one woman to the next.  It's really hard for anyone to behave differently than what they're accustomed to doing, so this is how a man SHOWS you who he really is. He won't be able to pretend for long, IF he's pretending.

And anyone--and I mean "anyone"--who expects for you, as a bw, to be okay with being treated differently/less-than the way other women are generally treated, in any way, IS othering you as a bw. Just walk away. Don't argue with them. It won't help. Just walk away.

I disagree with those who say (as I've heard some say) that a black woman-white man relationship story somehow "cheats" if it doesn't delve into the supposed gritty racial aspects of a black-white relationship. Dating, loving, and marrying interracially/interculturally these days is not gritty at all for most of us, and it's not "hard" at all for the bulk of us. It's actually just the contrary for many of us. It's tremendously broadening and highly rewarding once you've made the decision to  eliminate the views of small-minded people or relegate them to the category of unimportant noisemakers talking about THEIR issues--not yours. Actually, life is so much more enjoyable when you put people of that sort on "mute" even when they're standing around you talking at you. 

Anyway, thanks, Lorraine for  this video about this couple, Cecilye and William Kuhn of South Carolina who found love with each other 22 years ago. Wise woman!

 

The meme of the bw in an interracial relationships has entered the media more and more and on highly visible platforms.  Art imitates life.

It is clear that an increasing number of bw are looking beyond the confines of the bc and black social circles to get more of their most intimate needs met, meaning love, marriage, and family. Here's the chart from the video above showing that there was a roughly 40% increase in bw-wm marriages between 2000 and 2005. WOW! That's an exodus type increase.



And you will begin to see or know of these couples more and more, if you haven't already. One of the things I'm experiencing more and more offline and practically every time I chat with a bw who knows I'm IR married is that she is asking me where I met Darren. LOL! These bw point out to me, some emphatically so, that they're seeking quality mates and don't care about his race or ethnicity.

.

 And much THANKS, NR for this super article that falls directly under the heading of VETTING.  "10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person.  It's from a muslim site, but yes, "good advice is good advice" and common sense is common sense.  And no, I, too, don't agree with everything it says, but there's TONS of wisdom in this article.

As I always tell my readers about what I advise here on the Ezine: "Take what you can use and toss the rest." However, readers should keep in mind that there are other bw who would really appreciate it if you would pass this type of info on to them too.  It's pretty confusing out there for many women these days.

Bw, STRIVE with all your might to be your best in this coming year. Remain on that path. Do what you need to do to better position yourself to soar. If you know you need to take classes, get a stylist, lose weight, move to another location, get a new set of friends, walk away from whomever or whatever, etc., then DO it.  I see and talk with too many bw who are older who regret they didn't use their youth better or in a way that was more advantageous to THEM. It is TOTALLY beyond sad when I talk to these bw in their 40s, 50s, and 60s and hear them talk about all of their woulda, coulda, shouldas.  And the singlemost reason why they didn't do what they believe would have made them happier and more fulfilled was because they didn't want to make someone else angry or have others disapprove of them. SMH

There are all kinds of ways of doing things. You don't usually even need to burn ALL your bridges to do what you need to do for yourself, but in the rare times when that's necessary, ask yourself whether you will most likely have any regrets if you don't. 

So, stop with the excuses and explanations RIGHT NOW! Just make the changes that YOU know YOU need to make because  all of the talk about what you're going to do is just wasting YOUR precious time and you're not convincing anyone else anyway. And trust me--when you're older, you will regret to the max that you wasted your time TALKING about what you woulda, coulda, shoulda done. But it will be too late for many of you then because you will have allowed the bulk of your opportunities to pass you by. Remember that we ALL get a certain number of opportunities, no matter what.  We ALL get a certain number of opportunities in life. It's up to you to be able to recognize the opportunities and be prepared to grab your opportunities when they come.  So go ahead and get ready! NOW.

 

Uncommonly Common Sense: Happy Holidays & Happy New Year!! The TIME Element & the 'Okey Doke' Files

***#1!Readers, please scroll down to the bottom of this post and follow the link to the NYT article: "Blacks Must ReInvent Marriage" and read my response to it. Thanks, HE!

 ***#2! Readers, I've stuck in another link below from the 'Okey-Doke Files.' LOL! Thanks for the link, T! I agree that this a pure Okey-Doke. SMH! Y'all, please go to bottom of this post and follow the link to the ESSENCE.com article: "Exclusive: Robin Thicke on Loving Black Women, Interracial Dating, and Pleasing Paula" and pls read my response to it.

 
Ebony, Sean, and one daughter (Ebony and Sean have 5 daughters--ranging in age from high school, preschool, to diapers!!)

Thanks, Felicia. Yes, I agree. It makes me tired too, just thinking about it.  5 daughters!!  Whew! LOL!

And Thanks Lorraine for the pics (below) of these bw "Next Top Model winners" pics from Germany and Finland.  We need to showcase bw's beauty and desirability and promote it since with the internet and other media at our disposal, we can now do it easily. We CAN feature and promote us, as bw, at our best.  For those people who wonder why I don't discuss more negativity involving bw and IRs on my site, this is why.  I PREFER to focus on the positives. It's a choice. If we all featured and promoted more of the positives, then this, in itself, would re-shape reality to be more positive. Reality doesn't just exist; PEOPLE SHAPE REALITY to be what they want it to be. People shape other people, places, and things to be what they want them to be.

Anyway, on the heels of getting over my recent bug and in the midst of the flurry of holiday activity, Darren came down with his customary 24-hour bug which he gets a couple of times each year. So yesterday afternoon, I made him some homemade vegetable soup. While I chopped the leeks, garlic, and other goodies for the soup, I thought about the direction of the Ezine for the upcoming year.

Not quite sure where all I want to go with it, but I'll veer away from the usual fare here. I will focus more on developing the BUTTERFLITIA  concept and the lifestyle of the ButterFems in Butterflyville that I wrote about several articles ago (see below posts). I will continue also to write a 2nd volume of the Vetting Men Newsletter. 

My site--with the help of numerous contributors--has already shown, beyond any doubt, that there are more than enough white and other nonbm interested in practically any upwardly mobile bw who is interested in dating or marrying out. There is NO SHORTAGE of men for bw. Dating interracially is NOT hard to do, as Whoopi Goldberg points out in one of the recent videos I posted (below) IF a bw opens her mind, positions herself, and feels that she's desirable and worthy.  Positioning herself includes or means she must stop waving the "race woman" flag and put oceans of distance between herself and the persona of a MMMSSS (mammy, mule, martyr, sista soldier, sapphire, shemale) woman. Men--not even typical bm--are attracted to that type of woman for a long term committed relationship.

As I've said countless times, there are more than enough QLL guys out there in the global village for any interested and suitably positioned bw to access them and find the ONE, IF the actual desire is there.

IF the desire is NOT there, then IMO, those women need to be left alone. They are intelligent enough to know that the "quality of their life depends on THEIR choices" (subtitle of my BOOK 2). We each have free will, which means that we each have lots of input into our fate.

Yes, much about the current situation in the mating arena is putting pressure on some AA and similar black women to reach out of their comfort zone to date, mate, and marry and many of the women do want to do that, but in many cases, their inner selves have simply not made the transition. It's like getting a divorce. You can get divorced today and feel so relieved that you're out of a disastrous or unfulfilling relationship, however it can take years--in some cases-for your inner emotional state to totally sever the cord and catch up with your outer free state. Sometimes, your inner/emotional state cannot be rushed. Other times, it takes a severe jolt.

Many bw KNOW they need to MOVE ON or WALK AWAY with a smile when it comes to finding QLL compatible guys in the global village, as I've advised for years, however, the inner/emotional state has not caught up with the outer need or the common sense knowledge. This will take TIME. I had a chat with an AA woman yesterday who said that when she was in her 20s, she would have never dated any non-bm, but over TIME, her mind has opened. Those rigid, closed-off feelings she once had have changed over TIME. She is now looking for a QLL man of whichever race or ethnicity.  

This is why the "Black women dating/marrying DOWN" phenomenon is as common as it is at this point. MANY of them will change their views totally, given enough TIME.  

Sara Nuru (Germany's next Top Model Winner 2009) and boyfriend, Philip

 As I've constantly pointed out: Life is mostly a mental game/experience. Imagine that you're a piece on a game board where you can't move physically. You can only move with your mind and once you make  that mental move, that move will be acted out in the physical realm. Mental-emotional moves must be made first before other moves can take place. Of course, I wish that tons more  bw could make this mental shift lots faster, since they're losing out in ways that can't be recouped later on, but such is life. Growth happens over TIME.

I'm going to mention the concept of social CLASS again. There are many people who make middle class and upper middle class incomes or are wealthy or super rich these days who still have clearly identified lower economic social class destructive/dysfunctional VALUES because that's how and where they grew up. We can see this in the entertainment and sports realm, but it exists in many arenas. This means that they were shaped by those lower economic social class VALUES. Those values dictate their likes, dislikes, preferences, tastes, tolerances, and drive their attitudes, behaviors, etc. And even though their incomes may have soared by hundreds and thousands of percents, their lower social class VALUES still predominate.

So, it's relatively easy in the United States these days to encounter people who make lots of money and live a posh life outwardly, yet they are severely underexposed/underdeveloped socially and intellectually and this informs all of their VALUES. What's problematic is that many of these people do NOT know that.

Likewise, there are people who may live in the "projects" or in public housing or in the ghetto who have middle class and upper-middle class VALUES. It is having similar-enough VALUES that chiefly determines whether 2 people are compatible. I've pinpointed many of these values associated with certain social classes of people before, so I won't mention them here. Though there is some overlapping, these values largely have nothing to do with race or ethnicity. Anyone of any race or ethnic group can have middle class values or lower class destructive/dysfunctional ones. I've encountered many AAs among the ABCs (acting black crew) who believe that whites have cornered the market on middle class values.

This is NOT true. Most people in the world--across all cultures--subscribe to middle class values. This is why they're known as MIDDLE class values. This represents the largest block of similar values shared by most people throughout the world. Valuing MARRIAGE as a desirable goal is just ONE middle-class value.  Educational attainment is another middle class value. Getting married and getting more education are NOT "acting white" values. They are values shared by the overwhelming MOST people throughout the world--which means the bulk of those in Africa and Asia--since Africans and Asians comprise most people in the world. 

Thanks KM for THIS LINK that I think provokes thought about  the intersection of class and the bw relationship/marriage situation or "dating DOWN."
http://munaluchibridal.com/single-in-the-city-are-you-living-or-dying-for-love/#comment-17132

Sahra Mohamud, Finland's Next Top Model 2011--has Finn boyfriend

Yes, this seems like a classic case of a bw dating down in this case cited at the link, however, I'd say that this woman is still dating in her CLASS--despite her education, so she personally feels comfortable there. So, educationally and financially, she's dating "down," however she actually has multi-prong indoctrinated  "tastes" or a preference for this guy.

This is a VALUES issue. Otherwise, she wouldn't be with him. People who have dissimilar KEY values are like oil and water. They don't tend to spend their free time with each other, unless forced or have other hidden issues. She's not forced to be with him. She could choose instead to use her income and education to travel and/or engage in various other activities in her area where she would meet men who she's more equally-yoked with. Unlike an impoverished, largely illiterate bw who may not have any choice but to mingle with a man like John, this educated, high earning woman has CHOICES. So why does she do it? I would say, this is who she likes and feels most comfortable with.  Remember that it's a very tough sell to actually change an adult person's key VALUES and values are formed in the formative years of a young person's life (childhood and early teen years.)

His educational and social-exposure level are not mentioned here, but they are implied as being mismatched with hers. I wonder what type of conversations do they actually have. Does she have to dumb her conversation or vocabulary down to make him feel comfortable? Does she have to only go to places where he feels comfortable or places frequented by lower income, under-exposed people? For ex., I ran into a bm of my age recently who told me that he doesn't go to art galleries when there is a 1st Friday event here in town because they don't play "his kind" of music in the galleries or at other activities. I enjoy art galleries and I fully enjoy all of the 1st Friday activities. I was thankful that there were/are many other kinds of men in the world who enjoy art galleries and 1st Friday type events, the same as me, without expecting "his kind of music" to be played at them or any kind of music at all.

So, it appears to me that this woman and man have key compatible VALUES, and that means they're in the same class. For ex., if she didn't have a girlfriend who accused her of "dating down," would she feel dissatisfied with John? It doesn't sound like she would. Yes, all humans have a sex drive, and you or I might say that John is simply scratching her itch,  however, it sounds like she's enjoying other aspects of this relationship, and this is because she and John have similar VALUES. I don't think she should be shamed out of it. 

Many of us shake our heads at this, but among certain social classes of women, it's fine with them to support men. Social class does NOT always follow income and educational level. It's fine with these women to pay entirely for dates. It's fine with them to date and marry ex-cons. For ex., a few years ago, I was accused of being "bougie" and a "snob" when I advised two 20-something women--who were complaining about the quality of men they were meeting--to NEVER date ex-cons.That whole episode was mind-boggling to me, that they expected ex-cons to be quality men!!!!! The reality is that I and those women come from two different social classes--like oil and water--so I put distance between myself and them.

Likewise, if a bw (or any woman) has been shaped to be turned on by a man who has so-called "swag," then that's her perogative. If I were that type of woman, I'd go and find myself the swaggiest man I could find, BUT I would also be willing to face the consequences when he comes up short in other major departments. My problem with women who melt for swaggy men is that these same women often become sanctimonious later on and want pity for being "wronged" when these guys turn out to be users and abusers or losers in other major department. Let's face it. Red lights flash all around this type of man from the getgo, so these women know what they're getting into. Therefore, they need to shut up with the complaints.

For ex., some say that Bill Clinton has swag, and this is why I didn't feel sorry for Hillary when his infidelities were revealed. She knew what she was getting into when she continued to date him and later married him. However, my respect for Hillary soared bigtime for not whining about his infidelities and for not trying to wring pity out of people for being the "wronged woman." To me, she behaved like an ADULT woman. She got what she wanted from her "player husband" and did not complain because a woman with her intelligence KNEW what he was. I'm not saying she deserved that, but she got the man she wanted.

So, in this case, if this woman wants John, I wouldn't try to shame her out of it. But if she were someone I cared about, I'd point out to her what my grandmother often said to me: "If you go out there and make YOUR bed hard, YOU will have to lie in it--all alone." I didn't realize until later on that she was telling me that I had choices.

A note from HM, an 18-year old:
Hi my name is HM and I am an eighteen year old college student. I have been following your blog since about September of this year and it has greatly changed my perspective on dating outside my race. As a young African-American woman, it is very encouraging to know that I can choose a man not based upon race but on the fact that he is a great person. I feel that my eyes have been forever opened to accept a non-Black male as a potential person to date and in the future to marry. Also, I was raised around many different cultures and have acquired a preference for non-Black men. So, now I know for sure that I can have an interracial relationship.
Thanks again for your blog :) It has really been my inspiration!
HM

HM, I'm happy that your eyes are open to ALL of your QLL mating opportunities. I must stress the need to VET every man, no matter how much he may appear to fit your preference. Vetting a man properly is the very best tool any woman has to increase her chances of finding a QLL compatible mate.  And if you're fishing in the ocean, it's a heck of a lot easier to find him there than fishing in a small (often, muddy or dirty) puddle in a typical bw's back yard.

Okay,  here's a recent ARTICLE  and a couple of excerpts from it, posted in the NYT re unmarried bw and marriage. Thanks for the link JF. Yes, it's actually written by a bw who complains about people focusing on unmarried bw, yet she writes an article for the NYT about unmarried bw!! LOL!

"A look at recent census data will tell you that the 70 percent we keep hearing about has been misconstrued. According to 2009 data from the Census Bureau, 70.5 percent of black women in the United States had never been married — but those were women between the ages of 25 and 29. Black women marry later, but they do marry. By age 55 and above, those numbers showed, only 13 percent of black women had never been married. In fact, people who have never married in their lifetimes are in the clear minority, regardless of race."

 It may be okay with this writer to marry later in life but many bw who get married later CANNOT have children, due to fibroids and other later-in-life issues. AA women are greatly afflicted with fibroids. I know several of these women, who either wanted to birth their own child or wanted a second child, but were no longer ovulating. OR the fibroids caused miscarriage after miscarriage or in some cases, the fibroids made it necessary to have their main reproductive organs removed. This "later-in-life" reality wasn't mentioned in the article, yet she goes on and on talking about how the bulk of bw do get married even if it doesn't happen until they're approaching their senior years!! SMH  Naturally, many black people will tell the older AA woman to just adopt somebody else's kids and shut up about having her own children.

She goes on to say: 

"With all the attention on black women, I had assumed that black men must be marrying in droves; otherwise they would be the focus of similar scrutiny. Not the case. Census numbers show that 73.1 percent of black men between the ages of 25 and 29 have never been married. That is actually higher than the numbers associated with black women."

SMH This is why I have grown tired of talking about this issue!!!!! This, to me, is a statement from someone who has taken a major detour from reality. This is like comparing oranges to orangutans, but many silly bw and bm protectionists will seize on this comparison to feel better about their singleness and foolishly spread it. It is MEN who ask women to marry them. If  73% of AA men between the ages of 25 and 29 are not married, it's because a very large portion of them DO NOT WANT to marry ANY kind of woman. Also, many men can and do marry EASILY later in life. This is not the case for many women, especially not bw.  TIME is NOT on any woman's side, whereas for many men, age is not nearly as crucial--if the man has other attributes like income, stature, accomplishments, etc. An older, established, mature  man is even MORE appealing to many women than a younger man. This is NOT the case for the bulk of older women in the world.

Non-guaranteed income is also NOT the reason that most bm don't get married. Remember that bm have NEVER been the most employed or highest earning men in this country, YET, years ago they still got married in relatively high numbers. Look this up.  This is why I know that even if the bulk of bm are guaranteed a high income and even if they get more education, this is not going to put a dent in increasing their marriage rate to BLACK women, in particular. So, bw do NOT hold your breath or wait for this. Yes, marriage is down among all groups but it is NOT down for the SAME reasons among all groups. I'm sure I can't be the only person aware of this??????  That's a significant detail that is being glossed over or not examined for some reason.

It is very misleading (and a disservice to bw in the U.S.) to compare AA men to AA women in this regard. Trust me--if many women could ask that man they're steadily sexing to marry her and he'd do it, that 70% unmarried percent of bw would virtually disappear. The overwhelming most of women who continue to have sex with a man are emotionally involved with him whether he is a quality man or not. So these women WOULD marry these men in MOST cases. That cannot be said about MOST men and this writer should be smart enough to know that.

Some AA women have seen the light and are quietly on the exodus path now, but others are simply hopeless. Once again, if this writer wants people to stop talking about her and other bw's singleness, then why is SHE writing a piece about the bw singleness rate for the NYT?????? LOL!

At any rate, the type of disingenuous discourse about AA women and marriage (as reflected in this article and many others of its type) has veered off onto a path that I'm not interested in pursuing any longer. I just hope that many younger bw can see the light in TIME.

Sooooooooooo-- Here's wishing you and yours all the best that this holiday season and the New Year of 2012 can offer and bring--with all the push you can give it to insure that it brings it to YOU!!  

_____________________________

Thanks HE for this article LINK which I decided to address now since it was posted yesterday in the NYT.

OMG! Just glancing at this article, "Blacks Need to ReInvent Marriage" provoked a galore of thoughts. 

No matter how it's sliced or who proposes what, black WOMEN will end up doing more and more heavy lifting--IF they allow themselves to be scammed into trying to fit themselves into other peoples' (non-AAs and non-females and some bw's) notions of what' bw should do. MANY AA women already KNOW what's in their best interests to do, but many of them just lack the courage to do it and many factions out there are always trying to stop, confuse, scare, paralyze, or redirect AA women from doing what's best for them to do.  

AA women need to set sails for NEW vistas and NEW horizons. Period! ANY other group of women would have been long gone if they were dealing with this situation, and I do NOT believe that this wm sociologist would advise his daughters and any other ww he cares about to use up their youth and short lives trying to reinvent the wheel.

This guy may have meant well but I could easily blow all of his points to smithereens. I could write volumes about that ONE article. Assuming that he's a person of integrity, he needs to mingle in a typical black "community" for one month as a bw, and I would bet my life that he would change his tune. LOL!
 

The bottom line is that this sounds like a sophisticated Okey Doke to me--straight from the halls of academia. 

Black women certainly CANNOT reinvent anything ALONE.

This white man sociologist does not realize that the typical black American man does not think like the typical white American man, barely at all. People tend to use their own frame of reference in gauging how others think. The typical AA man does NOT care about AAs, as a group, sinking. He will give "lip service" to caring, but his actions don't show that, as we can clearly see. However, many typical white American men are STILL  willing to make great sacrifices in the interest of white women, white children, and the white collective in general--and we can clearly see that too.

To better understand this, I keep pointing out the metaphor used in the book: "Black Men, Single, Dangerous, Obsolete" written by a highly regarded black nationalist man, Haki Madhubuti where the metaphor of the egg without a yolk was used to describe how MANY AA men "seem outwardly" to be okay or even "normal," but MANY of them are missing a vital element--their YOLK, which contains the societal MANHOOD code. An egg without a yolk is damaged beyond repair.

 Decades ago, when I read that description of these guys in that book, a bunch of lightbulbs went on in my head. It cleared up so much!  So when I've used that description, I'm just stating what's IMO to be a fact. It's like saying that a woman without a womb is what's called "barren."  She will never be able to carry a child inside her body. She, too, is damaged beyond repair in that respect. That woman may be fine for a man who doesn't want children, but if a man wants his own children, he obviously should keep looking for a woman who can birth children for him. Likewise, I've pointed out that bw should not be bothered with DBR men. I wasn't trying to insult anyone. To me, that is plain COMMON SENSE.

And as Ralph Richard Banks (who wrote: "Is Marriage for White People?") has pointed out numerous times in his interviews: black MEN (even the ones who have the greatest ability to change--in general--have no incentive to change. DING! DING! DING! DING! and DING! In other words, what do they have to LOSE if they don't change that they care about losing???? But once again, SOME AA bw and other magical thinking bw will grab onto that idea of 'reinventing black marriage' and try to reinvent the wheel AGAIN and end up pretty much where they are right now--a decade from now--emptyhanded and angrier.

This is the main reason why I stay away from angry black women. There's nothing to be angry about, in MOST cases these days. Our AA female ancestors had a good reason to be angry, but thankfully they're not around these days to see numerous AA women wallowing in anger that is nothing more than a coverup for a lack of courage. LOL! Keep in mind that we are ALL scared sometimes. I'm scared a lot, too. But having courage does not mean you are not scared; having courage means doing what you know you need to do--even when you ARE scared. Trust me. It gets easier and I can testify to that because I've been scared a lot too, but I still stepped out there and did what I needed to do to promote and protect my interests--'first and foremost.'

Also, this wm sociologist does not address the "incentive" aspect because that would mess up his theory. LOL! Also, bw have ALREADY reinvented new relationships with bm (the rampant role reversals that are in full swing in many black "communities" and AA social circles testify to this. AND the bulk of AA women who date and marry AA men have already reduced their expectations/standards down to practically nothing to accommodate AA men) and those relationships leave bw as burdened, unfulfilled mules in a sequence of dysfunctional, failed relationships, and leave bw with children as the poorest, most unprotected, most unhealthy demographic in this country. AA women are ALREADY the breadwinners--for the overwhelming most part and do most of the other heavy lifting in these "relationships."

This is also why AA women must STOP projecting this image of "strong bw" because it makes others think they can pile more and more on you. To me, it's definitely an insult to be called a "strong bw" (MULE) because I KNOW that the person is going to whip out another load of some sort to TRY to pile on my back.

So either call me a BUTTERFLY or PAB, or call me nothing at all! LOL!

____________________

Thanks, T for zeroing in on and clipping this particular piece of poison in this ARTICLE.  It sounds good, but the devil is in the details because it will cause more paralysis and more senseless WAITING for 'Mr. Right BLACK man' among countless bw in this country. 

"ESSENCE: The media often tells Black women that they’re better off dating White guys. What’s your response to that?

THICKE: I think that’s ridiculous. There are so many good Black men out there that are hardworking, decent, and handsome, you know? To start that rumor is as bad as starting any other negative rumor. There are great Black men out there. There are only a few good White men -- trust me. (Laughs) Good luck finding a good White man who understands your journey. I only have three White friends. I’ve got 20 Black male friends, who are all good men who take good care of their wives, and good care of their children. I know amazing Black men. Maybe the women have to take better care of their men. Maybe you’re being too stubborn. Maybe you’re not saying you’re sorry. You have to take good care of him, too. You have to give love to get love." 

The rest of my response: 

 This is mainly just good business PR for Robin Thicke's "blue-eyed soul" music sales. All he's doing is buttering his bread.

This is also a form of marketing bm to bw, in order to make himself seem like a GOOD wm who is "down with the brothas."

And we could certainly expect this to come from a rag like ESSENCE that  is always rubbing bm's heads to make them feel all better.  Some of us, fortunately, already know that ESSENCE is a major player in the "bm EXCUSE industry." There's a massive web out there that does nothing but make excuses for bm instead of DEMAND for them to achieve and perform like other men. Many bm and their cheerleaders will eat that syrupy stuff up, not realizing that the Robin Thickes of the world do not care whether more bm get their acts together. The way the bulk of AA men are now is such a big favor to other groups of men in this country because AA men, for sure, are not competition for ANY other group of men when it comes to competing for, controlling anything significant, and/or exercising POWER.

As I've often advised bw: Follow the money trail.

 If we look at any of the major institutions that run America or the world, AA men are virtually non-existent in any of them as power players. The power is organized. The power resides in institutions, better known as systems like the: health/medical system, educational system, political system, military system, law and enforcement/criminal justice system, legal system, business and finance/banking system, entertainment industry, sports industry, etc.  AA men, in aggregate, represent NO competition and wield no significant power in ANY of these arenas or any other ones. They have NO significant networks. They are NOT organized. And they are merely money-makers for the big fish in the entertainment and sports industry. They have NO power there. Obama has done well, but it's not bm who keep him where he's at.

So the Robin Thickes of the world can easily afford to spread syrup about bm because this simply makes him more money and/or make it easier for him to circulate among bm. LOL! I certainly haven't heard where the Robin Thickes of the world are agitating for bm OR bw to get chunks of POWER in Hollywood. Maybe he's done that, but I haven't heard about it.

And here's an okey doke punch that I read some wm aim at bm: "Yeah, but bm sure are good at pulling women."

If I were a bm, that would be definitely be NO consolation for me. Real men want POWER. Real power for men cannot be found in a woman's vagina. When a man has POWER or is in a POWER network or has easier access to it (as wm, by default, typically have), he can get sex AND whatever else he wants (much more easily) because in a power network like the one in the U.S.--that has worldwide tentacles, there are enough perks and privileges of all sizes to spread around to those in the network.

A lot of AA men can get all the sex they want right now, and look at where they're at--on the bottom--where other men can step on them any time they want. 

My dog in this is this: I have sons. I want my sons to have REAL power, and never be placated by smarmy okey-dokes like this. 

And Duh! Who has ever said that there aren't any decent bm??? I've certainly never said that there are NO decent bm. I've NEVER said that. I've always made it clear that there are a few handfuls of them--not NEARLY enough. And if this guy is saying that bm, in aggregate, are such QLL mates and fatherhood material, why aren't Robin Thicke and lots of other hawkers marketing them to white women and Asian women in Cosmospolitan and Redbook magazines, etc.????? After all,  I've heard that ww and other women are also having problems finding QLL men too. LOL! 

And if there are 'so many good bm' out there, then why didn't Paula Patton marry one? I guess he thinks that he's one of those 'few good white men' that he mentions. LOL!!!

Trust me. The bulk of THOSE ww and aw are not going to buy this hooey (that there are so many good bm and so few good wm)  because the overwhelming majority of ww and aw understand who wields the POWER and what that means to them and their children on a day to day basis--just like I do.  They are always going to gravitate towards men who can present them with the greatest probability that they and their children will LIVE WELL! Living well is GOOD.

I STRONGLY suggest that bw aim in the SAME direction.

SMH  I'm really trying to get away from this type of tripe, but this is the stuff of fairy tales and needs to be pounced on as soon as it appears!!  AlLL of us need to debunk as many of these myths as possible and as soon as they appear BEFORE the contents seep into the typical bw's consciousness and paralyzes her further.

T,  I'm SO happy that more and more bw like you can quickly see thru all of this mess that's slung at bw!! It never ceases because lots of folks are CONVINCED that since bw ate this mess up in the past, they will continue to eat it.

T's response:

 Well you need to give yourself a hand on that one because the reason why I can see thru this mess - because of YOU! I read your blogs and was very interested in seeing what the next okey doke was..and what better okey doke to have than to have a white man who is married to a black woman say that there are alot of good black men out there. This is just off the heels of Richard Banks. So who is the black woman to believe? And old uptight highly educated black man or a "down and hip" white boy who sings loves songs.

 

I see why these bm have so many black women hanging on...it really doesnt take much to  do it.

Well, T, this is why I wrote a post a few years ago entitled: "Black Women Must Keep Their Eye on the BALL."  If bw keep their eye on the ball, these okey dokes will NOT faze them or not make them pause -- AT ALL. But too many folks have learned just how to get SOME bw's attention and bamboozle them.

His love songs do NOT help pay bills or protect and problem-solve for any  bw and her children--aside from Paula Patton and the ones he has with her.  And Ewwwww, it's so patronizing what he's saying about his "20" bm friends. LOL! Talk is SO cheap! 

 

 

Uncommonly Common Sense: Watch Out for those Tentacles! Notes from Readers, T's Steps for Leaving the Black Community

Cynthia (from Martinique) and Hatim (Morocco)

"This has to be one of the most stunning weddings I've seen. The bride and groom, who live in Paris and are from the Caribbean and Morocco, respectively, held the event in both locales.

In Morocco, the celebration consisted of a henna ritual followed by a grand reception. Cynthia changed a total of 5 times (7 wardrobe changes is the norm according to Moroccan tradition). What I love most is the dramatic entrance on the "Amariya" ( the silver chair) while her husband entered on a horse. See more images from this wedding  HERE."

Thank you ML for this pic and link, and I agree with what you said!!

This is a totally beautiful tradition-rich wedding. I LOVE certain cultures for their traditions. Tradition adds so much texture and meaning to life. Anyone can have a fancy wedding, but what does it all MEAN?? Also, in most old cultures, there are many rituals involved in the wedding--before, during, and after the wedding, as we see in this wedding.

For ex., in many typical Nigerian weddings, the various outfits are SO GORGEOUS and yes, the groom, bride and the women from her ethnic group all dress alike (same colors, fabric, similar styles) and change clothes several times during certain aspects of the wedding proceedings and the reception. I tell you, the sense of tradition and the attire that goes with it are a real feast for the senses and spirit!!  I've been fortunate in that respect to have attended many African weddings, Nigerians and otherwise--but a relative few AA ones.

Okay, let me mention an upcoming Bw-Wm relationship movie that's coming out called "My Last Day Without You." Let's all support this movie. SUPPORT! SUPPORT! Jay said:

Yesterday the producer of "My Last Day Without You," sent me a screener. It concerns a white German man who briefly comes to the U. S. to close down a company and falls in love with a black singer-songwriter. He wants to marry her and take her back to Germany. She loves him but asks why she has to give up my career for a marriage in a foreign country that may or may not work? The rest of the film is about how they resolve this problem.

It doesn't open in theaters until December 15th, but I thought it was excellent and and you might like to mention it to your readers.

THANKS for this, Jay. I'd heard about this movie before, so now we can all check it out.

Okay, let me say that in various interviews that I've seen with Ralph Richard Banks who wrote "Is Marriage for White People?" there is usually a bw who will ask the question, "Well, where are the wm who are interested in dating bw? "This is sometimes stated as an attempt to criticize his urging bw to date out and not date down since we all know that in certain pockets of racially tense America, many wm are reluctant to show their interests in bw.  This is also often mentioned in various articles about bw dating wm.

Yes, there is still a great reluctance on the part of SOME wm to cross the racial lines for dating and marrying bw, but there is also reluctance on the part of SOME bw due to their failed struggles against tentacles in the bc that are strangling them. I, and many other bw writers that talk about this issue, have talked a lot about that. I will talk more about those obvious tentacles here because we already know about other factors that work against bw-wm relationships like racism, the social stigma that AAs have due to crime, OOW births among AAs and associated issues, the awful public behavior of the ABCs (acting black crew),etc.

 
Despite the fact that many of us write about these tentacles, it doesn't lessen by much the fact that these tentacles are still ferociously determined to hold AA women in place--WAITING for a bm. Despite all of these factors that work against bw-nonbm relationship--owing to the huge numbers of wm in this country and the relative small number of bw, there are still many QLL wm who are interested in serious relationships with upwardly mobile bw, feminine-behaving bw who are interested in a serious relationship with a wm. This is just a given because mostly ALL heterosexual men tend to be interested in friendly, feminine women who have average looks--because most women are average looking. I'm as certain of this as I am of the fact that the sun rises in the east.

Although the number of bw-wm or bw-nonbm relationships is growing more rapidly now than ever before, one of the major reasons why these relationships don't happen more is due to the struggles of many AA women to get away from the dysfunctional, blood-sucking tentacles of the bc. I can't say that enough because those are some montrous tentacles and they know how to hold on to typical bw due to the indoctrination that many bw have received. An example of just one of those tentacles is even the type of mindset that would even sustain the notion that "We (AAs) would prefer for an AA woman to remain alone and die out than love and be loved by a QLL-wm." There are AAs who don't see anything out of the ordinary about stating that out loud! Others imply it in the subtext of what they say. Just imagine the type of mindset that would create and fight to maintain that type of tentacle.

Most non-AAs find that next to impossible to believe. LOL! But that mindset is STILL prevalent in 2011 among most AAs, but it doesn't just stop there! It reaches broadly across the spectrum of an AA woman's life--limiting, suffocating, and creating a tiny, tiny world, squeezing out all kinds of joy. That type of mindset does NOT ever enlarge, enhance or richen ANYONE's life.

No intelligent, thriving, unindoctrinated person would choose to be around those with this type of mindset for more than a minute, if they have a choice. This is exactly why more AA women are not thriving while many other bw in the world ARE thriving. That type of mindset is such a supremely devolved mindset in a world where most groups are doing all they can to broaden their reach, in every way. I remember hearing about a book written by an AA woman called "How to Survive--Despite your Family" or something like that. I think someone needs to write a book entitled: "How an AA woman can Survive and Thrive Despite being Indoctrinated by the Black Community."

C'mon folks! Would you really want your children around this kind of mindset?!! I have always shielded my children totally and completely from this type of limiting mindset among far too many AAs. Someone pushing the notion at me that I should mate with an incompatible bm just because he's black OR that I should be alone and die out rather than love and be loved by a compatible wm/nonbm is like someone trying to push me in front of a speeding train. However to many typical indoctrinated bw, this is "normal." LOL! What I mean by "normal" is that a typical AA woman can actually "understand" and defend the LOGIC of this notion and therefore doesn't object strongly to tentacles that are trying to KILL her!! It's within the "normal" realm for her to be around people who talk such rot. This is why there is that 70% unpartnered rate among AA women when there is no shortage of interested men for any average AA woman in the world.

Since these women have a mental mode that considers that a normal notion, that mental mode governs their behaviors. Most bw don't understand that their mental mode shrinks their world to a thin line when it comes to many QLL men and in other realms of their lives. The women do NOT understand how this mental mode affects their behavior when they are around non-AA people.  Here are two notes I received that illustrate the struggles of SOME AA women against these tentacles that are trying to suck them dry. Thanks for the first note, KM.

  In this first one, (READ it all HERE), a bw talks about how she's interested in dating men who are interested in dating her and the overwhelming most of those men are wm. I applaud her for struggling and it seems like she's winning it, but imagine all of the wasted energy she uses, defending the naturalness of her position to those tentacles by pointing out that it's not taboo to date wm and concludes that it's better to love and be loved by a wm than no one. Well, just WOW! SMH!!!!!

Do these small-minded black folks ever consider that a bw may just be loved BEST by a wm??  LOL! Obviously, this is the case in certain relationships. I know that strikes terror in the hearts of many AAs, but I want them to really consider that. Maybe that's why bw-wm marriages are among the most successful marriages. Hmmmmmm! LOL!

She even talks about all of the vitriol in the comments of some bw about wm, YET. . . YET . . . certain  bw have the audacity to ask "where are all the wm who want to date bw?" as if they have no idea why SOME wm are reluctant to show their respectful interest in bw. That is so disingenuous! Who are they trying to kid? Vitriol does NOT translate to men that you like them. DUH! No one is trying to force ANY bw who is not interested in dating wm to date them, so why are those bw even talking about bw-wm relationships anyway?????

This particular bw (at that site) is seemingly reluctant to cut the tentacles out of her life because she may fear that she will have no friends. I can understand that fear since humans are social animals, but those people are actually not "friends." Fortunately, true friends for an AA woman--these days--may come in all skin shades and from all backgrounds. IMO, those "pseudo-friends" of hers are tentacles that are trying to kill. She probably won't realize that until later in her life, if ever. Think about it.  That type of bw "friend" is willingly SELF-extinguishing or willing to die out themselves or mate down, rather than mate out, and if a person is willing to bring on their own pain and/or self-extinction, then I KNOW they're unconscious enough to take me out too. LOL! Trust me, those types of bw "friends" are not being loved well, themselves--or not at all.

That's just how I've always looked at people. If a person is willing to do bad things to themselves, I am never surprised if they try to do bad things to me. Many bw in black social circles and the bc are surrounded by emotionally unhealthy, unbalanced others who they consider "normal." Your true friends (who are reasonably healthy) and those (healthy others) who care for you want what's best for YOU and will encourage you to go for that. However, they also have to be CONSCIOUS of what's best, but if someone is not conscious, I'm definitely not going to listen to them.  YOU can tell, via your own common sense whether someone else is conscious by looking at THEIR lives. If that person is suffering in a world of abundance, something is seriously wrong with them. S/he may be unbalanced or unconscious. Either way, they cannot give sound advice. LOOK at their lives!

Here's a note from T, another bw who once struggled against the tentacles but she WON!! She shares how she did it. Doesn't it sound like de-programming from a cult? LOL!

My personal steps on leaving the "Black Community":

Step One: Trust in the Lord (or whatever you personally believe in).

Step Two: Make the MENTAL DECISION that YOU ARE LEAVING...and no matter what your momma say, your daddy say, sisters, cousins, aunt and uncles...you are already gone because you are mentally free from the black community. So again, you have to prepare yourself mentally to leave.

Step Three: DO NOT tell people of your plans unless you know they have your best interests at heart. We all know that some women (and men) can be extremely jealous, they may say “who do you think you are” or “you’ll be back” (I had one woman say that to my face! Followed by a cruel laugh.)..and then you might have some doubts and then your whole plan will be foiled. Don’t do it. If you have naysayers in your family, tell them NOTHING of your plans. You know who I’m talking about. Those people that are always negative when you have good news to share. Cut them out of your plans immediately. Don’t even associate with them because it might slip out. Keep your plans to yourself. (I am so serious about this…because this is where a lot of women start doubting themselves. They might try to bounce an idea off their girlfriends or male friends and be shut down, laughed at, etc.

Step Four: Realize and ACCEPT that the black community is going no where fast. But if you are doing Step Two and Three then you are already there. You don’t care what grocery store Tay Tay and dem robbed, who got stabbed in the foot by Bae Bae, YOU. DON’T. CARE. ….because you are LEAVING, remember?

Step Five: Find a diversified area. My rule of thumb is that I don’t mind being the only black woman as long as I’m not the only minority. I was fortunate to have a good male friend breakdown all the demographic areas in the city for me. So that really helped. If you don’t know anyone then drive through areas - morning and night. Check it out. Also make sure it's not next to an all black community. Here’s a tip: try to find an area that’s next to a university. Generally those areas are pretty safe. Again, NOT next to an all black community. I know of an Ivy League school that is surrounded by an all black community and there’s a lot of crime very near campus.

 I found my area, great! However…what building would I live in? More research. For me I needed to know: How close is public transportation? Where was the nearest hospital, grocery store, health club facility? How would I get to work, church, etc.? How far are the cultural events, museums, beaches, etc. I went online and researched apartments in the area I was looking into and read MANY reviews. If you can talk to people in the actual building that’s my biggest recommendation. I was able to and that’s how I chose where I am now. If you can’t talk to anyone I think there may be some sites where you can just ask a basic question of: does anyone know about the apartment building on so and so street. The internet is SO powerful…this is one of your greatest resources, use it! I cannot stress enough that you need to do your research on the area and building. Believe me when I say it is possible for you to live in a diversified area but be in an all black apartment building – and what would be the point? Again, RESEARCH.

Step Six:  Move. That’s it. If you have good friends to help you, great. If not, you can move on your own. Rent a truck – I rented from Uhaul – and got a friend to drive it for me. The rest was a piece of cake. I am so happy that I moved. My area is very diverse, my building is as well. I purposely have surrounded myself with people from many different backgrounds and cultures. I am volunteering, going to cultural events at least 3 times a week, and have lost 50 pounds this year. The change is AMAZING. I only wish I had done this sooner. Always remember: this is YOUR life. YOURS. I left in December 2006 and haven't looked back.

-- Update December 2011: I have moved again...to one of the richest neighborhoods in the city. Again, very diversified. Those DBR black men know where they can act a fool and where they cannot. I'm two blocks from Michigan Ave and they aren't going to let them mess anything up for tax paying citizens. It's so nice to be able to know you can go into a grocery store, coffee shop or just walk down the street and not be harrassed....they know people are watching them and it will not be tolerated. The move can be done!!! You just need to really want it.

T went on to say in another note:

For some women, this [process] is going to be really tough...I think that's why I stay away from a lot of black women now because I know they are still mentally in the hood and for some strange reason the black women who know you are "free" try to drag you back. I think at some point, BW need to stop talking and start doing...it's hard, I'm not going to lie...it was an adjustment...but all my life I have known things change so I don't get upset when they do...I actually welcome change into my life and embrace it.

For some people that's really hard to do...on some level I feel for them...but at the same time I know that I can't get too close because they will try to drag you down out of spite and jealously...they see that you have done what they can never do...and that hurts... I think I have one black female friend that truly knows how I feel and she feels the same way...that's it. Some of these people are toxic!

A note from a bw: KS, 30 years old

I have been reading your website for a few weeks now and find it refreshing. I am a 30 year old black woman, who migrated here from the Caribbean as a child. I am newly ( weeks) single and have decided not to go forward with the ultimate merger; marriage with my now ex black man & fellow Caribbean of 5 years. I have genuinely been attracted to white men & as a student in college, I am meeting some amazing & quality men that are non black. I met a fellow student who is a white man while away on scholarship this past summer. It was brilliant and I believe I have met the person who is on the same path as I am in life. The guilt & confusion from my family and peers for turning down a marriage proposal is driving me insane. I do know that I am making the right choice, even if no one else sees it that way. I spent 5 years supporting and pushing my ex and I simply grew tired. While he is a student as well, he is not driven in the least. In short, I appreciate your work here. I know that I will be valued and treasured by stepping outwards. The difference is astounding. It's hard to step out on a limb, yet I know my life and it's trajectory will be forever changed by this hard choice. Keep up the great work!

KS

And this note really, really, really warms my heart because it's from TA, a bw, of 19 years, who has read, understands, and is PROACTING early in her life. *Standing and clapping!!!!*

Hey Evia,

I am a big fan of your website. It has provided me with a wealth of knowledge and advice that I probably should have learned at home but was never taught to me. I am 19 years old and a junior in college. I am proud to tell you that I have began dating outside my race and it has been a worthwhile experience for me. At my school it amazes me how there is not a single black male/black female couple as the majority of black men on our campus choose to date women of other races. However, more surprising is the fact that the majority of young black women on my campus choose to stay single and refuse to date guys of other races that make up the majority of my school’s population.

In any event, I have chosen to move past those invisible barriers that hold many of my peers back from opening up themselves to ALL of the eligible bachelors on our campus. I feel that college is such a wonderful time to begin learning more about dating and begin the search for the right mate and I intend to take full advantage of that opportunity. Before reading your blog I had the false notion that men of other races were not attracted to black women and boy was I wrong! I love the quote "Life opens up when you do", and it really relates to the transformation I went through. When I began to open myself up to the belief that other races were attracted to me I began to become more aware of the flirts, etc. that were directed towards me and in turn showed my interest.

I fully believe that I will not be another statistic as it relates to black females and marriage and will continue to date with the mindset that I have acquired.

AND

Another video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcmKbTR--iA&ob=av2e

From commercials to music videos, I am so happy to see more of these relationships portrayed in the media! Thanks again for writing your blog and I will continue to read it and keep you updated.

Regards,

T.A.

Thanks, so much for writing, T.A.! This just shows that if young bw can access the information or if they're taught, they not only can learn, they WILL learn and most WILL make better choices. I'm convinced that the overwhelming most bw would prefer not to suffer and go without, IF they can learn--IN TIME-- how to avoid that fate. It's so sad that those young bw on your campus will be deprived of one of the more fun aspects of college life--mingling and socializing with others in a wide variety of experiences. They are waiting on a bm to pay attention to them on that campus and when they graduate, they will be in the same situation. Hope they don't end up wallowing with the bm kitchen staff and janitors, which I've heard is what happens to more than a few young bw on more campuses than we might want to think about. That's something else that many AA parents don't like to think about. LOL! They pay money for their daughters to go to college to sleep with the janitors and kitchen help, and when they get out of college, they are still likely to mate down, if they mate at all--since the relatively few bm on campus don't tend to date bw. Or if they do, it's just a sex thing. I hear about this more and more.

And lastly, but definitely NOT least, bw, SOME wm (and other men too) who have watched the "special's" and read all of the reports about those desperate, unpartnered, and WAITING bw who have put up with ridiculous nonsense--are now thinking that if bw can be this foolish, well they may as well go and cash in on that desperation TOO. LOL!  I got this note from EG (Thanks, EG for this), and I'd heard of something like this from a couple of other bw, where wm they're meeting online are asking them for financial help. LOL!!!!  Of course, EG refused to send him ANY money, but she says: 

My point is not to rail against his stupidness. He probably chose me because my picture shows I am currently overweight and he (incorrectly) assumed I was so desperate for affection I would jump at the chance for attention.   My point is that his conversation was so casual, so subtle that a 'nice' girl would have happily jumped in to help.  And a year ago, I might have been that nice girl.  But after reading your and other Empowerment blogs, as well as thinking (somewhat) logically and believing in myself, as well as good old fashion common sense, I saw it for what it was and I . . . . . . just laughed.  I know I should have felt hurt and angry but his conversations before had been monosyllabic (to be generous) and I was contemplating ending it anyway.

But to be given such a 'gift' . . .. . In such a subtle way . . . . I can only laugh.  I was always so afraid that I would be sucked in by some charlatan, but when I actually faced it, I could spot it a mile away and even drag it out a little to make sure I wasn't wrong.
I of course informed Interracial Match and blocked his email, and checked over previous messages to make sure I didn't tell him the whole world. 

The reason for this email is to thank you for your posts about common sense and believing in yourself.  I may not agree with everything, or rather it may not be quite as relevant since I live in Canada, but I thank you for opening my eyes and kick-starting the process of changing my life (exercise regime, buying a condo, finally looking for a mate), and persevering in the face of ridiculous criticism.
I wish more women could believe in themselves enough to be free, take charge and not be scared of their own shadows.

This doesn't mean that bw should fear any man. It only means that bw should take her time and VET all men. This is all it means. If you vet ALL men, you can virtually eliminate being victimized by ANY man.

You must think with your BRAIN, as EG did here! Look out for your interests 'first and foremost'--especially when you're interacting with strange people and any man is a stranger until you've known him for several months OR until he has SHOWN you by his actions that match his words that he can be trusted and that he's in your life to uplift YOU in various small and large ways. It is NOT in a bw's interests to ever give a strange man any significant amount of money--unless she's maybe, Oprah. That's just common sense. Yeah, giving someone a quarter for a parking meter is one thing, but sending a stranger hundreds of dollars is just CRAZY!

A man should demonstrate a PATTERN of his uplift for a bw--not just in one or two instances.

And if you, as a bw, SHOW people with your behavior that you have a well-functioning brain, you do not need to say much at all to them. Remember that whatever you say (that is, if you say anything), just say it in a few words and with a smile as you WALK AWAY--if they act like they don't GET it! Usually, you probably shouldn't say anything because when you talk to a user or someone who doesn't mean you well, you are giving them information that they can possibly use against you, as EG mentions. Don't waste your time, energy and brain cells talking to users and other con artists. Don't ever settle for less-than treatment simply because you're lonely.

You must require a man to treat you the way other women in normal parts of society are generally treated because you're a wonderful woman. If ANY woman does not see herself as a woman deserving of good treatment which means you have reasonable expectations, standards, and boundaries, you really shouldn't be around men. I've always felt that I'm a wonderful addition to ANY man's life. That's the way I always thought, no matter what any man or woman might think about me. I will always think that way. Since I'm wonderful, I always knew I had choices and if any man doubted it, well, he didn't doubt me for long because I wouldn't be there.

And another way I looked at it that served me well is that less-than treatment by a less-than compatible man was like having a man who was the equivalent of a ZERO-man in my life. I'm not saying the man was worthless to everybody, but he was a ZERO to me since he wasn't a compatible mate for me. Whether I'm alone and have a zero or whether I'm with a man and he's a zero, zero=zero. I wasn't going to use him as a placeholder in my life and I certainly wasn't going to allow any man to use me as a placeholder (a person who you exchange companionship, sex, etc. with while you're both waiting to meet Miss Right or Mr. Right.) So the choices came down to: Do I want a ZERO-man in my life or do I just go it alone? Either way, I'd be ending up with ZERO, so I always went it alone since that would leave me ACTIVELY and openly available for a partner who I could love and be loved by.

Uncommonly Common Sense: Marriage, Education, Walk Away With a Smile, Your Choices

Whew! Got bitten by a bug and I've been out of action for a few days, but I've bounced back.  

OMG! Whoopi is the voice of common sense in this video. (Also, see 2nd video below and my comments about it.)  Thanks for these video links, AE. Here, we have 2 distinct views presented by these two black women that, IMO, prove that the right, reality-based attitude represents at least 80% of success at anything. Now, which bw do you think would be most successful at meeting a QLL man today--if they were both single and trying to meet a QLL man?

Rigid, foot-shooting, bw grave-digging Sherry is like a con man's dream because she has eliminated the overwhelming most of men in the country with her "nothing but a bm because of slavery" attitude. LOL! You can see that the 2 ww (keeping ALL of their options open) are flexible--LOL!--and that's a green light to ALL kinds of men. LOL!  But, THANK YOU, WHOOPI, for representing those of us with common sense who play our cards to WIN!!!!!!!!

Thanks a bunch, Lorraine, for these pics!

 From a Macy's holiday ad--a pic that normalizes bw-wm relationships.

This ad is driven by $$$$$, as are most things in a capitalistic society. AA women and white men have a considerable amount of disposable income, thus these ads will continue to pop up.  But bw, I certainly hope you're using your money, WISELY, every time you spend.

Let's support Macy's though because they have seen fit--with this ad--NOT to ignore bw.

I've read and heard some black conspiracy theorists who say that whites deliberately use ads like this to divide bw from bm--(as if bm need any help to do that) since some black conspiracy theorists think that most whites spend the bulk of their time plotting ways to hold black people down. LOL!! I don't want to burst anyone's bubble, but what exactly do black people control that would merit that amount of fixating on blacks? And don't these folk realize that the bulk of younger AAs (the "acting black" crew, for sure) don't need any help at all in holding themselves down.

Btw, the sheen on this bw's face reminds me of a note I received recently from a wm. He said:

African American women have that sheen to their complexion that looks so good.  I don't know what it is, I guess you all have more emission of oil through pores or something. .  .  . The darkness plus the sheen are very sexy.  AA women are becoming more accomplished and many of them nowadays have much more education than white men.  Smart is sexy too. 

Well, thank you! But probably many AA women do NOT want that sheen because it's considered "greasy" or a "shine" by black people and considered unattractive by lots of AA blacks. LOL! Bw need to know, however, that many of the personality and physical attributes of bw that are rejected or viewed as negatives by bm are seen as appealing by wm, as you've stated, in this case. I've received many notes from wm over the years that confirm this.

READERS--on a slightly different note, as an ethnographer, another thing I've noticed and experienced is that blacks having "ashy" (dull, dry-looking) skin is considered a serious no-no by many AAs and lots of black kids and black adults are ridiculed or teased mercilessly about having ashy skin, but whites don't even notice ashy skin on a black person or it's no big deal. Darren has dry skin and thinks nothing of it. Sometimes, his skin is so dry until it will sometimes flake. He never thinks about putting lotion or oil on his face. LOL! I'm the one who dabs lotion on his face so that he won't look "ashy."

AAs, on the other hand, will usually verbally rip another black person (both a man or woman, boy or girl) up for having ashy, dry, flaking skin, as IF it's a crime. Even though I have  oily skin on my face, my skin (legs and arms) are sometimes "ashy" but Darren has NEVER mentioned it. When I make a big deal about putting lotion on my legs and arms before I go out in the summer, he wonders why and thinks I'm a bit neurotic. LOL!

I think that some blacks become aggressive and "act out" against other blacks about ashy skin because ashy skin is most noticeable on DARK-skinned people and many blacks have an aversion to dark skin, and especially if they're dark-skinned themselves. (Self-hate) So, if you're ashy and don't do everything possible to conceal it, these other blacks get somehow uncomfortable. They totally over-react. It's as if they're saying, "Don't you dare call attention to your darkness (AND mine) by making it more noticeable!" However, many blacks do this, not just dark skinned blacks.

I've heard dark-skinned blacks say some of the cruelest things ever about other dark-skinned people, as if they're not just as dark!! Usually more mid-tone people (like me) and lighter-skinned blacks don't say anything when the dark-skinned crew start up ripping other dark folks because it's really a disturbing situation and it can quickly become dangerous. It's as if the dark-skinned person doing the ripping has entered an imaginary world where s/he is no longer dark, and I personally have never been brave enough to remind any adult doing this that they are the same complexion as their victim. When I was working, I did remind a dark skinned boy once that he, too, was dark because he ridiculed the dark skinned girls daily about their complexions. When I pointed that out to him, this boy actually tried to physically attack me! Luckily for me, there were attendants present who could restrain him because he was a big, stockily built boy, and furious. I can still remember the rage on his face as he lunged at me, bellowing and blubbering, "I'm not dark!"

Needless to say, I refused to work with him anymore, due to my safety. However, this is yet another issue among AAs that drives a lot of other counterproductive issues, but is swept under the rug.

It's like a group of blonde women who make it a habit of ripping other blonde women to pieces for being blonde.

Anyway, since "many" (NOT ALL) wm who like bw do tend to have a preference for darker women, you'd think that most blacks would therefore concede that it makes perfect sense for dark bw to be with wm, right? But, OH NO! Most blacks still want bw to wait for a bm, many of whom view a dark-skinned bw with or without a sheen as downright unappealing or oogly. I've heard dark-skinned bw with a sheen like the one in the pic above called "greasy" and actually MUCH worse. I won't even write some of the pejoratives I've heard women like her called. 

Yeah, I know some black folks are squirming, right about now--LOL!--but I'm laying it out here because I get bone-tired of black folks tipping around this when this type of name-calling crushes the spirits of a lot of little black girls and a lot of adult bw. That type of spirit crushing of black girls and bw doesn't make black folks squirm though. Many times, they think it's funny. They consider it as "normal" ridicule and that bw should just have a sense of humor or grow a thick skin. UNreal! However, it's when their self-hate issues are put out on "Front Street" that many AA folks want to hurt somebody. They don't consider THAT funny!

I will add here that your note highlights exactly why more and more bw will discover what gems SOME wm are. Trust me. It's so relaxing and refreshing for an upwardly mobile bw to be with the type of men who can appreciate her as a feminine woman and simultaneously see her accomplishments as a part of her appeal, the type of man who is not threatened by her education. This is one of the MAIN reasons why I preferred to mingle with African men, white men, and the Middle Eastern men I dated while in college. I never had to deny or minimize my education or accomplishments with guys from these groups.

 And even when and if a wm brings less education to the table, bw often choose the type of wm who has the wherewithal to bring other PLUSES to her table that are on a par with or even have greater actual life value than her credentials. This is why I've tried to make it clear that when I talk about "equally yoked," I'm NOT talking about having the same amount of credentials. Life and people are much more complex than that.

Not saying they don't exist anywhere, but I've never seen a bw-wm couple where the wm was "broke-down" and the bw was upwardly mobile or middle class. For ex., let's say that he has an Associates degree and she has a Bachelor's degree. However, if he owns a thriving business or has other assets, abilities, talents, skills, perspectives on life  or other tangibles and intangibles that help in a very real way to afford a comfortable, appealing, or enhanced lifestyle and/or status to them both, this is immensely appealing to some women.  Sometimes, bw are able to benefit substantially from the wm/non-bm's culture, network of friends, colleagues, acquaintances as may be the case with the following couples. I'm sure y'all realize that ALL sensible women expect for men to bring something to the table that will enhance the woman's life since most normal, upwardly mobile women, in general, are wired to be most attracted to men who can help them to feather their nest better or substantially better. And feathering the nest is a broad concept. Each woman decides what type of feathering-help she most desires. That's HER individual decision, based on her class, values, goals, etc. 

Haitian born Alexandra de Catalogne de Bottrie is married to Oliver Bottrie, president of Estee Lauder, Travel Retailing Worldwide.

So, Lorraine, this is wonderful news that these bw are soaring. I love to hear about AA women AND bw--of other origins--soaring, but another part of this also makes me pause because in very critical and substantive ways, it was and continues to be AA women who have built and maintain the platform for MOST other bw in the world to take off. The contributions of AA women are felt and enjoyed worldwide, to the extent of NO other group of bw. This is indisputable.

 It was the Civil Rights movement in the U.S. (and AA women were the pivotal force--acting as leaders and foot soldiers--in that, as NEV. N's documentary shows) that put the world on notice that blacks were moving on up. It was AA women's beauty and talent (Josephine Baker, Ruby Dee, Eartha Kitt, etc.), intelligence (Madame CJ Walker, Angela Davis, Barbara Jordan, Condoleeza Rice, etc.), determination ( Rosa Parks, Fannie Lou Hamer, many others) that catapulted bw onto the world stage. Of course, Michelle Obama would fit neatly into all of those categories, as would many more.

Many AA women are still running offense and defense for that platform--like NO other group of bw, yet AA women are only benefiting negligibly--not nearly in proportion to their contributions. This is mainly because large numbers of AA women these days, no longer support and uplift each other, and thus do not have a community that supports and uplifts them. Nor do many of them have partners with whom they're equally yoked.This is all the more reason why I will never budge from saying that AA women deserve to be loved, cherished, and adored and MUST mingle with men of whatever background who are willing to offer them that, men who are ON THE LEVEL or an equivalent one of those individual AA women seeking mates on their level OR HIGHER. This is common sense.

Many of those bw in other groups of blacks in the world and those who have immigrated to the U.S. have stretched to get the ball, got it, and went running with it. The reason why they can grab the ball and run with it so easily AND marry QLL men from other groups who are on their level or higher is because they're ENCOURAGED to do so and are supported and congratulated bigtime when they succeed, without any concern or accusations of "selling out" or "forgot where you came from."  It's usually just the opposite. Their group tends to celebrate them for doing well and marrying well. They know that that lifts the WHOLE group.

It's very important for AA women to just WALK AWAY from this dysfunction and with a smile--happy that you have the uncommonly common sense to walk away, and in time.  Don't discuss, argue, debate your leaving because that's a waste of YOUR time, your youth, your brain cells. And when you're an older bw who has allowed many good opportunities to mate to pass you by, these same folks will then ridicule you and say you couldn't get a man or couldn't keep one.

This is why many middle-aged AA women are in their unpartnered situation today. They spent too much of their PRIME time engaged in useless activities with ill-intentioned, non-caring, and/or self-serving others who cared nothing about the women acquiring a fulfilling life. So despite all of the church-going and traditions rooted in religion, many, many AA women are operating on "empty."  Due to their "BLACK" woman indoctrination, they are simply SPIRITUALLY bankrupt, (nothing to do with religion) and this spiritual bankruptcy is what fuels many of the other issues besetting AA women, which all fall under "Neglect of SELF." The universe does not reward or support "lack of reciprocity" or "neglect of self." It's unnatural to continue to give a dollar and get a penny, in return, if anything at all. MOST people on earth cannot afford to do that, yet most AA women operate in this vein because they are indoctrinated to do that. This is the bottomline issue. Until the vast bulk of AA women STOP doing this and start looking out for their OWN interests--'first and foremost'(subtitle of my BOOK 1)--things will be business as usual.

On top of a lack of reciprocity being unnatural, it's also a failing strategy because as any clear-eyed person can see and as Ralph Richard Banks has pointed out in his book: "Is Marriage for White People?"AA women have not succeeded at uplifting or repairing AA men or the bc and CANNOT.

 So, despite all of AA women's sacrifices and effort, AA men still seem to have a bottomless pit of issues, and they often blame AA women for their issues. That's the supreme irony of much of this. LOL!

This really needs to be a conversation between each AA woman and herself. It needs to be discussed by her, within herself to the point that she reaches the consensus that all her "help" won't help anyway because what's MAINLY needed is for that other black person to be committed enough to be DISCIPLINED enough internally to help THEMSELVES. An inside-out (spiritual) resurrection is needed--NOT an outside-in (practical) resurrection.

So bw--YOU cannot instill DISCIPLINE in an adult man.  He will resent you for trying. Trying to do so is what gets many AA women called names like "bossy," "controlling, "nagging,"  or " a bw doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut," etc. (SMH about the latter.)

WALK AWAY with a smile.  Just listen to Whoopi in this video! Thank you, again, Whoopi! This is an older video, but it's still very relevant.

 

________________________________

The bottom line is YOU should not care what bm are doing or who they're doing it with. YOU are now free to pursue your OWN happiness without anyone expecting you or trying to coerce YOU into being their mule. And even if and when they try it, just point them back in the direction from which they came. Be sure to do that.

A very BIG part of the problem these days is the Sherrys and the Jills  among AA women who are determined to keep other AA women fixated on bm ONLY. Now, I'm sure that Sherry doesn't want to share her particular bm and both she and the Jills know that 2 + 2 does not = 15 (thanks, Halima-LOL!), but they still want bw to WAIT for a bm. This is the type of fantastical thinking that many AAs think all of the time and then get furious (as Sherry has gotten in this video) when reality doesn't match their fantastical thinking.

Who cares who bm want/don't want?? Does it ever occur to the Sherrys and the Jills that SOME of us do NOT want bm. LOL! Bw like me want QLL, compatible men and will NOT settle for less because we KNOW that QLL, compatible men for us are out there somewhere in the global village!!!!!  Geez!  I think that to the Sherrys and the Jills, that's unthinkable. I don't think they can even imagine that more and more bw DO think like that.

That's what "MY" heart wanted and that's what I got.

SMH--It's AA-bw like these who are the very core of the problem because the Sherrys and Jills are circulating constantly--24-7--around other unsuspecting AA women, policing them, keeping them gazing at bm ONLY. The Sherrys and Jills are shemale captains of the "BLACK" police.  However, among AA men, you do NOT have (or rarely EVER) ANY other AA man/men who works to keep the bulk of AA men's gaze fixated on AA women ONLY. That's fine because we are all FREE now to mate with anyone. I would LOVE for the Sherrys and the Jills to have their "nothing but a bm" but WHY can't they accept that women like me do NOT want what they want. WE DO NOT WANT WHAT YOU WANT! I've spent my whole blog trying to get that message across to certain bw out there but the Sherrys and the Jills just don't "GET" it. I.N.D.O.C.T.R.I.N.A.T.I.O.N

Whew!

Back to non-AA bw who are free to soar, I remember how when I first got married to my ex-husband, a Nigerian, I thought he was a bit uncaring towards his relatives back home in Nigeria who were constantly writing and calling,  asking or campaigning for help with this or that. I, at first, would mildly chastise him for not sending money to this or that relative to help them. He would help them, of course, but he also IGNORED many of their constant requests for help BECAUSE those requests were non-stop. He also warned me not to reveal, in any way, our income or lifestyle to them. LOL!  Many of them continued to have children who they couldn't afford and they continued to try to buy things and live a lifestyle they couldn't afford (many times, to simply "show off"), yet they continued to write us, asking him for help.  I saw after a while that no amount of money he sent would ever be enough, so I, too, learned how to adeptly avoid mentioning our relative affluence whenever I talked with them on the phone or whenever I wrote them.

Note the parallels in the two African-American and African situations. Helpers are almost always going to fail at truly helping the "helpees" IF there isn't a COMMITMENT to their own inside-outide resurrection on the part of the "helpee." 

Amsale Aberra (Ethiopian-born) on right and her husband Neil Brown

Her Site

Her Bio

Anyway, even others who are non-blacks have grabbed the ball that came from the Civil Rights movement and scored bigtime.  We must salute them for that because all of those opportunities were up for grabs, but at the same time, it's unfortunate that some AA women can barely move because they allow their own folks, toting a barrel of excuses to hang on to them and keep them stuck on the ground.

 It was white folks who were the culprits in the past, but NOT today. It's also not those Asians or foreigner blacks who some AAs think are getting preferential treatment from the government. (OMG, I've heard that SO much!) LOL! I even got accused of being a foreign black person by some AAs since I had a foreign last name when I was married to my ex. I still use that name, by default, sometimes since I was known by that name in some quarters. I still get accused of getting preferential treatment by some AAs who hear or read something about me, with my foreign name. SMH

I am thrilled that many AA women continue to go to college and for advanced skill training, licenses, certificates, etc. We all must encourage, urge, compel more AA girls to continue this. When you've found something that works to uplift you, you have to continue it.  And if people can borrow money to buy a car, clothes, house, gadgets, go on vacation, etc., then why wouldn't they borrow money--IF they have to--to go for more education or advanced skill training??????  After all, as my grandmother used to tell me, "Somebody can easily take away your land, house, car, all of your money, etc, but they can NEVER take away your education or knowlege you have inside your head. So YOU  (meaning, me) had better get your education!!" After I got each of my degrees, I would quickly write home and tell my grandmother about it. That made her SO happy! That was a victory for her because she'd lived all of her life in the Jim Crow south where whites, at that time, considered blacks getting an education to be THE most dangerous thing on earth.

Little did the white racists know that all they had to do was stand back and allow blacks to have all of their rights and blacks would eventually devalue education, themselves, and voluntarily stay away from school--as many AAs do now. Can you imagine that the National Guard and federal troops were sent to those southern states to force whites to open those school doors to blacks when all the whites had to do was to just chill. Think about that during February's "Black History" month when they show the attack dogs and the racist Birmingham police waterhosing black demonstrators. I know many of those virulent white racists out there are now laughing and shaking their heads about how simple and easy it all was to control the darkies.  It reminds me of how some children will scream and scream for a toy, but if you just give it to them at the outset, they will quickly become bored. So the lesson the racists learned from this is when black folks jump up and down, demanding something or access to it, just give it to them. The E.N.D.  Sad but true.

However, SOME of us know that higher education is extremely valuable and it's something that APPRECIATES (increases) in value  and with compound interest--even if the college grad cannot get quick employment or ever get a job on a par with their education. The fact is that most people prefer to be around people who have MORE education vs be around those with LESS education. More education makes an across-the-board positive difference in the overwhelming most of people--not ALL, however, because there are no absolutes. The variety of exposure that one gets from the college experience often refines a person's tastes and views forever.

Bw, this must be repeated to younger bw. Most people prefer to be around people who have MORE education vs those with LESS education. Most people consider those with more education to have more potential value.  Generally speaking, there are many more doors open to those with more formal education than those with a high school diploma or less education. Many non-AA men of a certain class marry degreed women who are stay at home moms for many years. No matter what, a bw IS considered more potentially valuable and more desirable to a sensible, "normal" secure man when she has more education.This includes some of those very same AA men (the saner ones) who keep saying that an AA woman's education doesn't make her more appealing. That's a LIE to keep a  bw who has education thinking that her value is less, while he usually wants her to use her education to bring home a fat salary. LOL! If a bw's grad or professional degree doesn't make her more appealing or desirable as a mate, then why do some of those men whine about how degreed or professional bw won't go out with them? Why don't those men just go and get themselves a bw or some kind of women who has dropped out of high school or one with a high school diploma or so?

Not that any of y'all should be greatly concerned about this, but as a social scientist, I can guarantee you that there will be NO AA group progress among AAs until or unless large numbers of AAs get MARRIED and learn how to have reasonably satisfying marriages. There will be no economic development of any significance either among AAs as a group unless large number of AAs get MARRIED because marriage provides a stable groundwork for wealth development. Who do you think a bank would prefer to lend money to for starting a business: a married black man who lives with his wife and children or a single black man?

Nothing has changed. Marriage is a prime institution for wealth building by a couple or family, and this has been the case across cultures for thousands of years.   Human beings have never yet devised any type of relationship or social structure that substitutes for the institution of marriage. And any political gains that AAs make will continue to be useless insofar as solving AA problems or uplifting AAs as a group. We can clearly see this. We have had so many blacks to become elected officials--even the President of the country--yet AA problems have never been worse.

In order for marriages to last, they must be based on REAL substance and value that REAL people who are equally yoked and compatible find in each other--not simply that "falling in love (lust)" stuff that typical AA men try to do with light women or some AA women try to do with men who have swag.

NOTE--nothing I say about bm applies to every black man in the country. For ex., it does NOT apply to the truly evolved AA men (who have stopped blaming others for their problems or never did) or those bm who have escaped being shaped by the knee-grow male's experience in America. For ex. the "stud" type bm with the harem who drops his seed (babies) by the wayside as he goes off to find more and more semen receptacles is a prime example of a bm who has been shaped by the knee-grow male's experience in America. He's still the stud from hundreds of years back.

Owing to various bm immigrating to this country, there are fortunately SOME bm in this country of the type who would NEVER, EVER  drop his babies anywhere because his children are HIS reward for living. I noticed in my early twenties how protective many Nigerian and other African men were of their children, for ex., and that was THE prime reason I began mingling with African men. Disclaimer: I am NOT saying that ALL African men are cut from this same cloth, but it's undeniable that the probability is much higher that they will be. Remember, I deal in probabilities.

A woman must VET all men to make sure that she selects out the type of man who has the qualities and traits she personally desires, which I hope, for her and her children's sake, will be the ones that will make him a QLL mate and father to her children.

 I'm just saying that SOME bm in the country are fortunately not the AA-knee-grow shaped men type. These other bm have been shaped in critically different and more wholesome ways by various other outside cultural influences. Not saying these men are perfect mates (since I know that some of these men are also unfaithful to their women or shortchange/mistreat women in other ways), but I am just giving credit where it's due. And for me, a man who fulfills his full fatherhood role is a BIGGIE because as I said, a woman (AND man) can always get a new mate if the relationship/marriage goes south, but a child only gets ONE biological dad. 

As a bw of mating and reproduction age, YOU cannot afford to wait for bm to miraculously change for the better and I'm so happy that in his interviews, Ralph Richard Banks, who wrote "Is Marriage for White People?" just stops people cold in their tracks when they throw out the "bw must help bm to change into quality men BEFORE bw can marry and reproduce" salvo. That's foolish and totally NOT necessary when there are QLL men in the global village who are ready right NOW for bw to marry and reproduce with.

There will be no magic. In any situation, you have roughly 3 choices:

1. Accept the situation.

2. Change the situation.

3. Change the way you THINK and react to the situation or proact about the situation.

It's YOUR decision.

Uncommonly Common Sense: Be THANKFUL for the "Mating Out" Path--Stop Trying to Collect on a "Bad Debt"

The Dawsons

 Thanks, Felicia, for these pics!

 Ahh--that little baby is just TOO adorable! I adore babies. Their crying never bothers me. I can usually tease them out of their crankiness.LOL!

Anyway, we both know that I post these pics to prove to AA and other bw that if YOU, an AA woman (or similar bw) are interested in dating and marrying out, there are an endless number of wm who are interested in you for serious relationships or MARRIAGE. However, it's YOUR choice as to whether you take advantage of all of your options. 

Again: What I do here is to SHOW you that you do have options. There is NO "shortage" of men available to most bw.  It's a matter mainly of being on the path where the interested QLL men are and allowing the men to access you.  

When I first started telling bw 5 years ago that there were plenty of QLL wm (or more than enough) who were interested in bw for serious relationships that most likely would lead to marriage, I received MANY notes telling me that I was lying. So, to use an overworked expression, "A picture is worth a thousand words." 

If those accusers had never written me notes, accusing me of lying, I would never have posted ANY of these pics. So, you can see the tremendous favor that my accusers have done for all of you. LOL! They caused me to show you a world that even many of you didn't know existed. I get notes every day from even other bw who are in IR marriages saying that they didn't know about so much of this. Some knew about the bw-wm marriage stats, but to give faces to the numbers actually creates a new and full-fledged, textured world for many among us who are on this bw interracial SLICE of life.

So, let's Give Thanks to my accusers. LOL!

I paraphrase here the saying, "Evil can only flourish as long as good people say/do nothing," or something like that.

 I also want to say THANK YOU to Felicia and the many, many dedicated others of you who have made it a point to diligently supply me with pics, video links, and other content for the Ezine. Thank all of you who have ever supported me or my efforts in ANY way for everything you've done. I know you didn't have to do anything, so I am THANKFUL.

BTW, Felicia is an AA woman who is married to a professional man of German background (born and bred in Germany); they have 2 children and live in Ohio. She is a stay-at-home mom. She has sent me a gazillion pics of bw-nonbm couples and other content. She is a college grad, a songwriter, and a woman with a fierce intellect.

So, I thank her and the many others of YOU (yes, YOU--LOL!) who supply me with content. There's a lot of ugliness that is aimed at bw, and some people don't like the fact that much of that ugliness goes unchallenged.  So, Felicia, many other bw and others--including dedicated wm and some ww, and a sprinkling of Hispanic women and Asian men--send me content to refute the lies.

However, bw you should know that even if I post a million pics of married bw-wm/nonbm couples here, the ugliness aimed at bw will continue. There will still be naysayers who will try to further indoctrinate you or reinforce it that wm will not marry bw--AS IF--AS IF--AS IF more than a handful of bm are marrying bw. LOL!  Many AAs are just too terrified of losing their gravy train mules (bw) to accept that they are victims of their own hype.

So bw--BE THANKFUL that you have many options!

__________________

The subtitle of this piece is: Mate Out with a Vetted QLL Man: Your Future Children Will Be Eternally Thankful

 

One of the best gifts a mother can give her children is to strive to the nth degree to give her child(ren) the best father she possibly can. Doing so is the best chance that any child has to develop their potential and live well.

Thus, in all of my books, there is my #1 Thrive Rule for women of all ages, the younger ones, in particular. It's also my epigraph: "The choice of a mate is the singlemost important decision any woman makes in her life, especially if there are to be children. If she chooses wisely, she and her children will reap many rewards. But if she chooses poorly, she has paved the way for them to suffer--for generations!"  

BTW, here's my Cafepress STORE where items with the #1 Thrive Rule items may be purchased. This rule is for all women of all ages; the earlier they "get" this rule, the better.

So you already know that for me, the CHOICE of a dad for my children was critically important. I knew that I could love a man who had no fatherhood capabilities just as easily as one who did have them, but since I wanted children, I chose to only mingle with men who had a high probability of having not only the ability to be a good father, but also the desire, preparation, drive, and discipline to be a good one.

Naturally, the man had to marry me. How in the world could I trust a man to be committed to his children--the evidence of his OWN seed--if he didn't marry me? Normally, when men or women refuse to marry their partner, it's due to lack of trust in their partner. Trust is a major aspect of life and the bedrock of any meaningful relationship. I certainly wouldn't and could not ever trust a man who doesn't trust me or wouldn't marry me.

And how could I expect him to be committed to me if he didn't do everything possible to SHOW that he was committed to his own children, who are a PART of him? Certain things logically come before other things. I knew that any marriage might work or it  might not. He and I could always get another partner if the marriage went south, but my children were guaranteed to only have ONE biological father, so that choice was the singlemost important decision I could make.

The Dawsons, dressed for the symphony

 I read over and over these days where mainly men claim that marriage is "not important' or it's 'just a piece of paper." Desperate women often become parrots of these men and repeat this claim--usually so that the man won't reject them.

Well, if marriage is NOT important and just paper, then why NOT get married? Why do so some men spend so much time and energy arguing against and avoiding something if it's so insignificant and inconsequential? LOL! These guys are transparent, but a smart woman is thankful to those men who reveal how they feel because if she wants to get married and have her children inside the state of matrimony, then she can cut her losses and move on--FAST.

That was one of my vetting criteria that I did not compromise on. There had to be TOTAL goal compatibility on that. Marriage and family. If he didn't want that, and didn't SHOW me from at least Day 2, that he wanted it, then it didn't necessarily make him a bad man; it just meant we didn't have compatible goals.  So, we didn't need to waste each others' time.

I knew there were no guarantees in life on any marriage I might enter because life doesn't come with guarantees on practically anything. I wanted children, so it was critically important for me to choose a father for my children who would consider it one of the highest joys of life to be a responsible, involved father.  Therefore, I only mingled with men who came from backgrounds (family, culture, community) where fatherhood is desired and taken seriously. I ALWAYS vetted with that uppermost in mind. I couldn't afford to take any chances on that. I would NEVER leave that up to trial and error.

It's bogus when people say they can't help who they love because you do NOT have to mingle with unsuitable, incompatible people in the first place. If you don't mingle with them, then there is NO chance that you're going to "fall in love" with them. However, you ARE very likely to fall into lust or in bed with others who you mingle with. This is why men are constantly trying to be in the midst of women. Even when men don't like or respect women and have ill intentions or no serious intentions towards them, they still want to mingle with women--for THAT reason. Many women, on the other hand, believe that if a man mingles with them, then he must like them since women don't tend to mingle with men or women who are not on their "like" radar. This is the reason why so many AA women don't mingle socially with wm. They have been indoctrinated to not include wm on their "like" radar, so according to the thinking of bw of that type, there's no reason to mingle socially with wm.

Actually, I don't believe in "FALLING in love." That's infatuation or lust. 

When I was about 18, my girlfriend and I went to a popular club in Manhattan one night where I promptly "fell in love" with a guy who I'd known for about 15 minutes. LOL! Oh, this guy was the best dressed, the best dancer, the smoothest talker and I think I can still remember his cologne. He was a real charmer! BUT, he wasn't into me. He asked me to dance and we chatted, and he asked for my number (the usual), which I gave to him. He then dismissed me and went on to the next girl. Well! I was devastated. I went home, crawled into bed, waiting for the phone to ring. He didn't call! I swore I'd never leave the house until he called. I stopped eating. At the time, I seriously wanted to die, so I stayed in bed for the next couple of days, refusing to eat. LOL! The 3rd day, I was starving, so I got up, ate, and went on with life.

I want to point out here that even if there had been physical contact between me and this charmer, I would still have looked out for myself--'first and foremost.' That had been drilled into me, and this is why I've tried to use this blog to drill that point home into other bw. If you look out for yourself 'first and foremost,' you automatically have boundaries in place that others will recognize and respect. You don't fear men because YOU are taking care of yourself. And even if others try to demolish those boundaries, they will, at best, only be able to chip them slightly.

Many women and men, without boundaries in place, "FALL in love" or "in lust" and mess up their lives forever, after becoming infatuated,  like I did that night.  That happened to one of my uncles, one of my older bm cousins, and most of my female cousins.

 Keith, Christie, & daughter

Anyway, I want to point out here that the desire, drive, and capabilities to be an involved father have nothing to do with race or ethnicity, alone. It has to do mainly with BACKGROUND. If that fatherhood-prep or capable background is missing or defective, there is a low probability that he will ever have the drive and discipline it takes to be a loving, involved, responsible father. "Wanting" to be a father is not nearly enough. It does not nearly take the place of prep, drive, and discipline. However, with humans, many skills can be learned adequately if the SERIOUS desire and drive to learn them are present. The discipline needed to learn the skill will come from these two.

So during this Thanksgiving season, I know my children will be forever thankful that they have a mother who gave them a gift that falls at the top of the category of "ULTIMATE" gifts: an involved, loving, and responsible dad. I have crazy love for my sons, and so has their dad, but I can NEVER be their dad. If I'd been in the position of trying to raise my sons alone, I would have failed miserably. I'm a mother, a nurturer and a protector of my sons. Their dad is also, but he nurtures and protects in a different way. I would not have been able to insist that my sons do some of the things their father has no problem pressing them to do. Whereas he doesn't bat an eye, I'm in the bedroom crying for my big, tall babies. LOL!  In my heart, my sons will always be my babies, and I don't know how to be a dad. It would have gone against my nature to try to learn that, and I would have disfigured myself. I think that many AA women have disfigured themselves as women, trying to do that, trying to be shemales.

I've read where a tiny minority of women have done an excellent job of raising a boy child, like Dr. Ben Carson's (famous AA neurosurgeon) mom. But I would have failed because I don't know what it's like to be a male/man.  I would not have been able to force them to meet those challenges of malehood/manhood, that their dad is a natural at doing. I mean, some of the things their dad is stern about with them actually has me boo-hoo-hooing inside. LOL! I've never shown the boys that, of course. I know their dad is right, and I've seen the results. It didn't and doesn't hurt them; it makes them successful and therefore, content, confident  So, if I'd had to bring them up alone, I would not have done well at all.

I'm so THANKFUL that my mother and grandmother drilled it into me to choose a man on the basis of his qualities and traits. I'm so THANKFUL for that. They NEVER told me not to choose a wm or to choose a bm because let's face it--in their day, black men were pretty much the only men for black women. Instead, they emphasized choosing a man who has certain qualities and traits. If a man has certain qualities and traits, you don't have to worry about his doing his utmost to perform his role. And when a man does his utmost, he achieves at a higher than average level. This goes to show that if you give your children certain critical, overarching messages, you don't have to tell them EVERYTHING. Certain lessons and messages trickle down from other ones.

Anyway, here's a note from AW, a bw who has realized that travel is not only fun and broadening, it may just put her in the path of the QLL man she seeks. She's on the right path. That's the key: Get on the path and STAY on it.  She has lifted and changed her life, forevermore. And even if she doesn't find her QLL man there, she is tons more knowledgeable,interesting, and appealing to many men and definitely to a broader-minded one, than if she'd stayed at home--WAITING. Waiting usually means acquiring baggage with unsuitable men. AW is therefore much more likely to find the man she wants, wherever she may go, next time around.

The lesson to be learned here, bw, is to leave certain men the heck alone! Why does someone have to talk, talk, talk to TELL AA women that?????? This is the part of this that is the most mystifying to non-AAs. Why is it that someone has to TELL grown, intelligent AA women to leave certain men the heck alone! 

Hi Evia,

 I've been a long time reader of your blog. I suppose it's been about 2 years now. Wow, I can't believe how fast time flies. Anyways, I am Jamaican-American. Born and raised in the U.S.A, but from Jamaican parents. I have had my fair share of hurt and pains when I was in my 20s. I am currently 30. I knew that something was not right when it came to black men/women relations in America. I speak in general terms as I know "you" know I am not talking about every black man in America, but I started realising around 26 that something spiritually/mentally/emotionally was not right. Yet, I continued to date them, even ones that appeared good on paper...only to be disappointed again.

I also was very displeased with the racial climate in America, especially after our president was elected. I know there is racism/classism everywhere, but "I" felt like it was time for me to flee the states for personal/economic/spiritual/relationship empowerment. I made the decision to move out of the country this year. I was a teacher in _____ and I applied to teach overseas. I am in the Middle East in _________. Though the Arab men here have severe colorism issues like black men, there is a huge expat community from Europe and other places here.

Just this past weekend, _________ [a highly popular AA woman entertainer] was in town and I went to see her with some new friends that I have made here. There were three white European men from the U.K that sat behind me. Taking cues from your notes over the years, I put myself out there just to converse with them and I am glad I gave that green light. We all laughed, sang, chatted it up throughout the entire concert. They live in ________, which is another region, about 2 hours away. I wasn't necessarily looking to swap contact info, but the fact that these men felt comfortable to converse openly in public with me around other whites, blacks, etc was refreshing. The political climate in America is still so rigid that some white men are intimidated to even talk to a black woman in public. smh While I am over here, my goal is to travel to Europe as well as Africa, Asia just to see the world. But my experiences thus far being here is that I turn way more heads from white European men than I ever did Black American men. Again, not all black men are this way, but enough of them are for me to have thrown in the towel on them. Hopefully I can land that husband whle I'm here. As the Arabs say Inshallah (God's timing) The picture attached is a desert safari I went on in August . . . .  

Thanks, 

 AW

Phina, Stefano, & son      ARTICLE about Phina

Yes, AW, obviously there are some severe problems between bw and bm in the U.S., (and elsewhere?) but instead of walking totally away from each other, they continue to try to force the other to change.  This will NOT happen. And much more tragic is that so many AA women waste VERY valuable years of their youth engaged in trying to make these relationships work. BE THANKFUL that you weren't 36 or 46 before you discovered that it's a waste of critically valuable time.

It's such a classic type of co-dependency, that results in so much unneccessary unhappiness, strife, wasted energy and blighted lives for them and black children.  I repeat: Black men and Black women in the U.S., for certain, need to just leave each other ALONE! Walk away from each other and BE THANKFUL that these days, there are other mates in the world with whom bw (for sure) will be MUCH more compatible.

Black women and black men in the U.S. are clearly NOT compatible any more--for the overwhelming most part. That is no longer worthy of debating. Just look at the stats and look around.

And, of course, I'm not including ALL black couples or ALL bm in that when I say that, either. I think there's a small portion of wonderful, QLL AA men in this country who would make wonderful mates for many bw, BUT the chances of a typical bw finding those men and of them both having the wherewithal  to jell is like winning the lottery. We know this because some of these men and women have already really, really tried to meet and mesh and have NOT succeeded. There have even been venues, agencies, and online dating sites set up for "good" bm to meet upwardly mobile or middle class-oriented bw, but from all the reports I've gotten, those places invariably become flooded with "player-type" bm who are trying to "upgrade" or add professional bw to their harems.  Rest assured that any talk of the possibility of meeting educated, professional bw is going to attract most of the same bm who bogusly claim that a bw's education is not important to them. LOL! Yes, many wm/nonbm are also much more attracted to this group of bw too, but I've NEVER heard a wm yet try to downgrade or devalue a bw's education. Quite the opposite.

Bw, I'm giving you the "permission" to just WALK AWAY--if you need it. But if you need a bm to give you "permission," Ralph Richard Banks has, in essence done that, in his book, "Is Marriage for White People?"  So, I hope that every bw in the U.S. who's reading this will just say to herself today: "I'm not going to fight a bm anymore--verbally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc; I'm just going to WALK AWAY. I'm officially cutting the cord."  And remember, you don't even have to talk to bm who devalue bw online or offline. If they don't know how to talk with or about bw, just stop talking to them. PLEASE pass this on!

Bw really need to take this new WALK AWAY stance as we all enter 2012.  Enough already!  Truly MOVE ON.  I believe that this is a way of the universe forcing AA women and men to leave behind the ugly episodes in the past in this country and move on into the future.  Increasingly, it's clear that bm and bw can't do this TOGETHER. When one half of a group finds that it can no longer communicate with the other half without constant infighting, couldn't that be  the universe's way of letting them know that they are NOT in the same group and need to separate? That's how the different ethnic groups and different languages of the world arose. Infighting causes either splits or annihilation.

Of course, no bw needs to  broadcast that she's WALKING  and no one can read YOUR mind. Stop all the threatening to do it and just DO it. Bw, this means you MUST stop caring who bm are with because that's actually a part of your indoctrination. You're not missing anything that you would actually want or value, as AW discovered. Remember, you haven't lost anything because you actually didn't have anything.  You just thought you did. It was an illusion. You will gradually become more and more indifferent towards them, the illusion. Wish them happiness and focus on YOU moving on, as AW, in the above note, has done.  Hopefully, more and more bm will also wish bw the best as we ALL seek out and enjoy mates who are compatible with us.

Along with the prevalent and foolish notion among SOME AA women that they just can't leave the bm behind, there is the notion among SOME bw that bm "owe" bw.  SMH! Even if you think that bm DO owe bw something, bm make it clearer and clearer every day that you are NOT going to collect, so in accounting terms, you must write it off as a "bad debt." Trying to collect is only costing YOU more. Life is too short for stress and strife and depriving ourselves of a compatible mate or anything else of value, while you're trying to collect on a "bad debt" is just not smart!  Write it off and stop taxing yourself!!  WALK AWAY!

So, bw--in this season of thanksgiving, you have much to "Be Thankful" for. Keep your mind on that. You have been gifted with the resources to MOVE ON, which is something that many women in many regions of the world do not have. BE THANKFUL and SHOW it by using your gifts!

Uncommonly Common Sense: Ignore Bizarros - Black Women MUST Mate Out or Die Out

Whew! I've received so much good, provocative content lately until I'm not going to be able to stick it all into even this long piece. So if the content you sent is not here, it will appear in an upcoming essay. THANKS, KS for these video links!!

These are some necessary conversations that many AA women are having and that's GREAT. There are bw out there who are at various stages on the path when it comes to taking advantage of all of their options. So, I'm happy that these kinds of books are being written and discussed.

That being said, I also must point out that AA women are INDIVIDUALS. We don't all come from the same backgrounds, and it's a person's background that mostly makes them who they are. We are MOSTLY products of our backgrounds. For ex., I'm a bw who grew up in the backwoods of Alabama. I can't possibly be just like the bw who grew up on 141st Street and Convent Avenue in Manhattan. Most people, however, think we are the same person. LOL!

 I have to keep saying that because there are myths and stereotypes about AA women, in general, that distort the way mostly all of us are viewed by many others. I would suggest to men who are interested in AA women to approach us as INDIVIDUALS.

Per statements in the video, I totally and completely AGREE that bw must NEVER lower their standards. It's almost unbelievable that ANYONE would even hint at this, let alone say it. Just look at some of those stats out there! AA women are already the least loved, the least cherished, the most vilified, the most burdened, the most harrassed, the most under-appreciated and undervalued women in the country, yet someone is still after you to lower your standards! Wow! 

Those of you who can, had better "MATE OUT or DIE OUT!" 

I have to say that some of the comments made in these videos indicate that some bw need to handle things with a bit more finesse. For ex., when it comes to ordering wine in a restaurant, I knew from Day 1 to look at Darren sweetly (or like a butterfly--LOL!), indicating to him that it was my utmost wish for him to take the lead in ordering the wine and in doing other things. Or I'd just sit there quietly, which would prompt him to spring into action. Or, I'd ask him to order me something "mellow,"letting him decide. In the very beginning, he was careful about that, so he'd look at me and ask me what I'd like. By now, he knows my palate, (merlot, chardonnay, or white zinfandel for me, PLEASE! LOL!) so he knows what to order, and of course, he knows what type of wine goes with various dishes.

Naturally, this also has to do with the man's wider social exposure and his class--in some cases. Some men don't drink or don't know anything much about wine. Some men who don't drink still know what kind of wine to order when they're out at dinner with a woman. For ex., Darren would be classified, I think, as a non drinker. He rarely drinks any alcohol. He only drinks wine when we go out to certain restaurants, but he still knows how to order the wine. He either picked that up from those in his family or social group or made it his business to learn that because a man of his class is expected to know certain things like that.

Vetting-wise, I always let the man steer the date and I do that because a woman of my background wants to see whether a man knows what to do. If he knows or doesn't know what to do, that gives me important information. This is a critical part of VETTING. If I, as a woman, take charge of or steer the date, then how will I know whether he knows how to perform parts of his role that are important to me and to the success of the relationship???? As a woman, I steer the "relationship," but he steers the dates/outings because he's the one who is showing me that he has the right stuff to be in my life. I'm the PRIZE. I know I must give him opportunities to show ME that he's the one for me. More often than not, I'd let Darren plan the entire date. I might make a suggestion about an outing, but he planned the details of the outing. This is how we still operate.

For ex., we're going on a trip for about 10 days during the holidays. We both discussed where we wanted to go, but now that he knows that, he will do the planning. I'll just do my packing. LOL!

I'm NOT saying that this is how every woman and man should operate, but this is how Darren and I operate.This keeps me happy and him happy too. He's a great planner and I'm very good with suggestions. LOL! I think he really likes how he doesn't have to guess about this or that. It cuts down on stress because it's stressful trying to figure out what someone else wants. We can't read minds. I tell him what I need from him and of course, I'm reasonable.  I know how much to ask of him--in every department, but if I feel I'm supposed to get certain things from him, I'm going to ask him. He once told me he WANTS me to explicitly ask him.  At times, I might ask for too much, and he lets me know, but we then negotiate. He doesn't exactly say "no." For ex. I might want to go out to a movie on Friday night, and he's tired. He'll say something like, "If we go out tonight, I'll be leaning on you snoring in the theater. Let's check out that new restaurant that opened on such and such street and go to the movies after that tomorrow night." So, I'm happy and he's happy with this because not only am I going to the movie that I wanted to see, but I also get to check out a new restaurant. LOL!

Putting on my relationship counseling hat here, these are ways of communicating that can be learned by any loving couple. People who value each other and love each  other put effort into learning how to best communicate with each other in a certain way BECAUSE they value and want to keep each other. The man AND the woman must BOTH put in the effort--not just one of them. BOTH must be willing to do this, but this willingness should be checked out during the early phase of the relationship because this is a part of VETTING.  Vetting is the FIRST and most critical step in a relationship. Many problems that crop up later in relationships could be avoided if people vetted each other better. You won't be able to see everything, but you can see a lot in the very critical areas.

 Some well-intentioned men and women resort to silence in order to get along with their mate, but getting quiet can be very destructive to a relationship. You've got to determine whether you're COMPATIBLE with a person and you need to know this sooner rather than later, especially if you're a woman. Other than that, you're wasting your valuable time, your YOUTH.

BTW, my bm cousin told me that women also need to know that some insincere men (aka "players") use the ploy of just allowing a woman to say whatever she wants to say early in their interaction because the man figures that's the easiest path to the bedroom. Some women are fooled into thinking that the man is "so easy to get along with" whereas, his goal is to get-the-sex and then he's done with that woman. After having sex with her, the man disappears or doesn't show much interest anymore--aside from getting sex from her--and he, of course, will never tell her his only interest in her is/was sex.  MANY women are therefore left wondering what they did wrong. They didn't do anything wrong. The man wasn't in her life for anything serious from the getgo, so his supposed "easy going" nature was his tactic for smooth sailing into the bedroom. Ahhhhh! The games that SOME men play with SOME women.  LOL!

****This does NOT mean that all or even most easy-going men are players or are using this ploy. Not at all! Each man is an INDIVIDUAL. A smarter woman looks out for her interests--first and foremost--but still vets each man and gives each potential QLL man a chance to SHOW that he's the one for her or not.

Also re the video, even if the man wants to pull on my hair, I wouldn't want him yanking on my hair, and my hair is my hair. LOL! A man can touch a woman's hair without pulling on it. If a woman is wearing a weave, it's a hair style, so she can use finesse to let him know that hers is not to be pulled. Also, it may just be a stereotype that all wm are hair pullers.

And this was not in the video, but bw, y'all need to know that 99.9% of intelligent wm CAN easily understand that bw take care of their hair somewhat differently than the way ww do. This is no reason to shy away from dating a wm. You wm out there who can understand and accept that, just raise your hand. LOL! I do NOT believe that a typical wm who likes bw is going to run away shuddering and shaking when he discovers that a bw puts hair lotion or oil or her hair. I mean, do bm run away from ww when they discover that most ww shampoo their hair every day????  Much of this  is so ludicrous, yet I hear and read where some silly bw citing that as a reason why they fear or hesitate dating wm. If these bw are really sincere about this type of reason, I think that they really underestimate the capacity of many wm--in various ways. NO man who likes and appreciates you is going to run away from you simply because of the way you take care of your hair!!

I'm not even going to get into the whole notion that some bw have that a wm can't understand the impact of racial episodes on bw except to say that they most definitely can, and they will "be there" for you if they care for you, as ANY man will "be there" for his woman--just as many men can understand the impact of rape on a woman, without the man ever having been raped.

And back to weaves, I tell you I'm just speechless re some of what I've read.  Women of ALL groups wear weaves, extensions, wigs, hair pieces, etc. There are expensive hair salons in parts of some towns and cities that cater to barely any bw and those shops sometimes advertise that they do weaves and show ww in their ad pics. Some salons that don't advertise it do have at least one hair stylist there or on call who can do weaves for their ww clientele because some ww also dramatize or augment their hair with weaves.   So why is it that these days, bw are the only women who are negatively associated with weaves?  Think about it. Weaves were not invented for black women, so plenty of non-bw are also buying and wearing them and for various reasons. It's just that bw are the only ones who get criticized to the max for wearing them. And this criticism usually comes from bm and their black female lapdogs. Trust me, whites do not sit around obssessing about bw's hair styles.

A point of mild disagreement (owing to our different ages and experiences, I'd suspect) with a comment made in the video is that it seems to me that it's actually mostly younger bw who tend to be more hesitant or outright scared to date out--NOT older bw, proportionally. Since I've been blogging, I've received a LOT of notes from bw and the overwhelming number of them are from bw who are under 35, expressing various types of FEAR about dating out or feelings of guilt. That actually surprised me.  Most of the notes I've recieved from bw over 40, and I'd say every other over-40 bw I know offline (and most of them are unpartnered) want to know from me how they can meet a man just like Darren. They see how he treats me, and they want to be treated similarly. 

Most often, it's older bw who know that life is way too short to be scared to death of what other AAs think because they KNOW that most often, these other AAs are just releasing hot air. Also, many over-40  bw will tell you that they've already paid their dues with bm, and they're tired of paying those dues without getting reciprocity even nearly on a par with what they've given. This is a major benefit of being older. You're not scared of what this one or that one is going to think or say--or not nearly as much as when you were younger. Older women tend to be much more relaxed, peaceful, and happier. LOL!  Yes!

So, IMO, it's younger bw who are bowled over by bm's "swag" or seem to think that a bm's swag has value or get caught up with so much other nonsense. Older bw already know that swag does not provide, protect, or solve the general problems that most upwardly mobile bw encounter in life. So, older bw seek more actual SUBSTANCE in a man--not the superficial.

And since I know that some of y'all are going to read those comments from the dinny dimwits in the peanut gallery following the videos, let me just point out that  I AGREE that most wm in the U.S. are NOT going to marry a bw because they couldn't even if their lives depended on it. It's a matter of NUMBERS. We have all pointed out over and over that it only takes a small portion of wm to marry a bw in order for every bw who's interested in marrying out to actually marry out BECAUSE there are SO MANY MORE WM than there are of US BW. There are way more than enough wm interested, and this will be shown in time, once wm see that enough bw, in general, are friendly and receptive. MEN ARE WIRED TO BE ATTRACTED TO FRIENDLY WOMEN.  Still, the dimwits in the peanut gallery keep saying that 'MOST wm are not going to marry a bw.' Please let them know that you AGREE!!!!  LOL!

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Okay .   .   .   .  I know that some readers are very uncomfortable with me repeating my bm cousin's "Mate Out or Die Out" prescription for bw's relationship and marriage woes, and some of y'all thumb your nose at it, thinking that a savior is on the way to wave a magic wand. Well, no savior is coming, and lots of bw are already dying out as they get older without reproducing.

We all know some of these women. I personally know 4 of these women among my family members, acquaintances, friends, etc. I've known 3 of them most of my life. They refused to have children without a husband. Three of them got married in their mid-thirties and early 40s, but by that time, three of them had had terrible bouts with fibroids and could no longer have children. The 4th woman never got married. She, too, is now no longer able to have children even if she met the most wonderful QLL man.

So, the unique bloodlines of these 4 AA women have ALREADY become extinct. Those individual bw have ALREADY died out. All of these women are college grads, nice, generous, warm, loving, kind, law abiding women, hardworking, and yes, they're living with their cats, dog, and 2 of them spend tons of their time at the church. All of these women are bewildered now. They wanted children. They did all the right things, yet  .   .   .   . No one told them, encouraged them, or gave them "PERMISSION" to take advantage of ALL of their mating options. Yes, they technically knew they could mate with a wm, possibly marry him, and have children, but they wouldn't ever have done it. Like most humans, they didn't want to be ostracized by their group. They believed they should stick with bm, no matter what, since that was their indoctrination. So they took the easy way out, as most human beings do. They waited. They "went along to get along."

I don't like being around any of these women for more than a minute these days because it pops up quickly that I got lots that they didn't get, and I'm no better woman than them. That INDOCTRINATION that got into them is a BEECH!

Therefore, more and more people with common sense are going to prescribe the SAME remedy that my cousin has prescribed because it's such an obvious remedy. LOL!  I chuckle at the sheer common sense of this remedy, but it's really not funny at all because it's such a tragedy of huge proportion.

Some smart(er) bw ARE most definitely going to act on this common sense remedy. This is exactly what Ralph Richard Banks proposes in his book "Is Marriage for White People?" And what I find way beyond amazing is that he actually has to explain this obvious remedy to supposedly intelligent people!!  SOME people in his various audiences don't seem to "GET" what he's saying, no matter how he says it because they don't want to "GET" it.

Here's a bm saying the same thing. He "GETS" why sensible bw are or should be HYPERGAMOUS, yet he takes some shots at wm by referring to them as "pillsbury dough boys" juxtaposing them with "strapping" bm.

I wonder whether he refers to ww as "pillsbury dough girls." And notice how he refers to bm as "strapping" (suggesting big bodies and/or physically muscular). Well, many smart(er) bw do NOT want a "strapping" man of that sort; we want a man with a big, strapping BRAIN who SHOWS that he knows how to use it. He can have both, but if he mainly has only has one, give me the BRAINY man over the brawny guy any day! Both men I've married are brainy.  

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6283159

I was listening to the YOUTUBE video series that blogger Halima has currently posted over at her Black Women Interracial Circle  and it was sad and ridiculous that there were panelists making suggestions that I consider outright BIZARRO--to address the fabricated "shortage of men" situation that bw face. There is NO actual shortage of QLL men interested in bw. I want to make that clear. That's a lie that is a part of a colossal hoax that targets AA women. However, there has been great success at getting millions of bw to believe that lie and the lie has therefore become a self-fulfilling prohecy. I wrote essays a few years ago about the hoaxes aimed at bw. That has not changed.

Anyway, I present below my responses to SOME of the bizarro remedies presented by some on that panel. 

1st Bizarro Remedy: HETEROSEXUAL bw should give LESBIANISM a try  rather than date, love, and marry white/nonbm. SMH! My assumption is that this panelist would only want the  bw to seek out a  black woman lesbian or bw bisexual for a mate--NOT a white one, since having a sexual relationship with a white woman would be the same as having a sexual relationship with a white man--TO THEM--I guess. LOL!!

Now, y'all--I love bw and believe with every fiber of my being that they deserve the best that life can deliver them in every category because we, bw, via our female ancestors, have definitely more than paid our dues in full and even in excess, HOWEVER, I could never get physically intimate with ANY woman--if I were single--because I'm not wired like that. Did that panelist consider that?  I am wired to be with a man. I am heterosexual because I was wired to be this way. I'm not criticizing anyone else's wiring, but some of us are not bisexual or homosexual and can't ever be. NOTHING about a woman's body or her energy or her being is sexually appealing to us. Maybe, this would be an option for bisexual women, but NOT for a strict heterosexual woman.  Unpartnered bw cannot become homosexual or bisexual just because some self-serving folks out there insist on us believing a fabrication, when we can see plenty of QLL men walking around. LOL!

This is like a malignant spinning ball, y'all, and as it spins, it gets bigger and more malignant. If this type of remedy were made for any other group of women, it would have been demolished on the spot, but this ball was thrown out there as if it was a sensible one, and the blacks on the panel didn't shoot it down. So, there are bw who were listening to that video who grabbed that ball and they're running with it today. This is how people get messed up by the garbage that flies around them.

To his credit, I have to say that Ralph Richard Banks did NOT waiver. He was diplomatic, but he admirably stuck to sheer common sense. I love a man who stands his ground, especially when he's lifting up the women of his group in the right way. He's like that tree that's planted by the water. He 'will not be moved.' He actually had to explain that outside of Bizarro World, marriage is still important, upheld, and practiced by the vast majority of people in the world. The world is NOT going to change to accommodate the bizarros among African Americans.

Putting on my anthropology & ethnography hat here to say that  over the past 50,000 years, marriage is the absolute BEST institution that human beings have been able to devise to meet the widest variety of needs of MEN, WOMEN, and CHILDREN. It's not perfect, but it meets the widest variety of needs for all of us better than anything else. Period.  

That being said: Marriage has MANY benefits for bw and those marriage-oriented bw must stay on the path toward marriage to a QLL, compatible man, and do NOT spend time with any man or woman who naysays it. They are wasting your time and as my wise grandmother used to say: "As a woman gets older, her chances get fewer."

 Mind you, my feelings about this bizarro remedy have nothing to do with religion, morality, or anything like that. I totally support any bisexual and homosexual person's right to love any other consenting adult they choose, but that route is NOT for many others.

2nd Bizarro Remedy: Join a black man's harem OFFICIALLY and "pretend" you're engaging in POLYGAMY. LOL! The emphasis here is on the word "pretend" because the type of multi-woman "servicing" that goes on in this country between AA men and the assortment of women they service has NOTHING to do with actual polygamy. I repeat: It does NOT bear any resemblance in actual practice to true polygamy. In actual polygamy, the man is held responsible by the culture/society for financially supporting ALL of his wives and the children. Check this out, if you don't believe me. I am VERY familiar with the polygamous marriage system. I've even lived among Nigerians who grew up in polygamous households. I know some of them now. Some of the wives may work or produce income, but the man does NOT count on their income to fulfill his financial responsibilities. Even if the wives are making money and using it to support themselves, the husband is STILL held responsible for supporting them and loses respect of those in the community if he shirks his duties.

This is why only well-off or better-positioned men in those polygamous cultures can become polygamous. Think about it. If every man who could say the word "polygamy" could actually have an assortment of women to sexually service--without being required to support those women and children-- then practically every man in every society would be a polygamist. This is just a con that some AA men are working to get an official harem of women catering to them, producing money for them (because mostly all of those women will definitely be employed). He will sexually service them and play the role of the "kang" in a court. But that is NOT polygamy. He is merely a pimp. So, the women chosen for these harems ARE going to mostly be professional women or highly productive women in some other way, women who can 'bring home the bacon.'

 3rd Bizarro Remedy:  Since bw believe in the shortage of men fabrication and are tired of waiting for "Mr. (black) Right," then have sex with an ongoing series of "Mr. Right Nows" and seek companionship and everything else with your girlfriends. 

Doesn't this sound like something out of the Twilight Zone? I'm really trying hard here not to sound judgmental because I don't know what has happened to some of those panelists. I just know I would not want to be around them and would shield my children from them.

Also, let me make it perfectly clear once again that SOME of us African American women have NEVER had any problem meeting QLL men for serious relationships and marriage because some of us NEVER restricted ourselves to AA men. I grew up in a very strict home and couldn't date when I was in high school, but as soon as I graduated high school and left home, I've never had ANY problem whatsoever finding compatible men for socializing, dating, or marriage. This is because from the moment that I could start dating, I started dating ALL kinds of men. That's all it took. I was young,  averagely attractive, went out a lot into mainstream venues, and I didn't spend more than a minute around loser type men of any group.

 Moving right along, a wm sent me the following note to hopefully make darker skinned women feel better about not having their beauty appreciated in mainstream white society or in the black community.  

Hi Evia,
I don't know if you're aware of it, but I ran across this website dedicated to dark skinned girls.  You've said colorism is important in the BC and I thought this might be a nice shot in the arm for dark skinned black women.  I'm not certain but I think the site is owned by a white man.  It really seems as if WM prefer dark skinned girls.  I know I do.  Let me know what you think.  

 http://darkskinnedblackbeauty.tumblr.com/

Yes, colorism is rampant in the bc, but that's something else blacks would like to keep quiet. Many bm are with darker women, but just let some of the men get a bunch of money and just watch how much lighter their choices would become. Many blacks will pretend that these more upscale bm are just randomly choosing the women and they mostly all will just happen to be lighter. LOL! This is NOT true. These men are carefully selecting lighter, whiter women.

So, yes, it makes some darker women feel very good to know that there are some men in the world who actually prefer them because darker women need love too.

And last, but not least is this note I received today from a BBC producer, and my response follows it. I hope some of you will respond and take part in this.

Dear Evia,

I hope you are well.  My name is Orsi Szoboszlay and I work as a producer at the BBC in Washington.  I have recently come across various articles and discussions about the book "Is Marriage for White People? How the African-American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone", including a discussion that I've seen on your website.
It is a fascinating subject and myself and my colleage Paul Adams would very much like to do a radio and tv report on the topic.
We are hoping to interview Professor Banks for our piece but I am also looking for other people who could share their views with us.
I wondered if you may be available for a quick chat with me sometime so I could outline our plans.
I was also wondering if you may be able to help me find some people to speak to.  I am looking for a mixed race couple who would be prepared to speak to us and I am also looking for two or three single women of different age groups who would be happy to share their stories.
Please let me know your thoughts or let me know if you need some further details from me.
I look forward to hearing from you.
 

Many thanks,
Orsolya
 

BBC NewsWashington Bureau2000 M Street, Suite 800Washington DC 20036

 Office: 202 355 1764      Cell: 202 441 5347     

MY Response:

Orsi,  I don't believe I'm the type of guest you'd want to chat with on your show. I'm not a "typical" African American woman. My viewpoints are very different than those of typical African American women.  I've always felt free to date and mingle with men of other ethnicities and races, so I have never quite understood why this subject is of such interest to so many. I'm not saying it's not interesting or fascinating; I'm saying that my views and experiences have never informed me as to why.

 I wasn't aware of the apparent widespread need for some (not all) African American women to get "permission" to date or marry out prior to 5 years ago when I started blogging. However, due to the gazillion notes I've received from black women and from the many frustrated white men who've written to ask me about the odd behavior of black women who they've tried to date, I,now realize that I was clueless about much of this when I started blogging.

I don't enjoy writing about this topic.I write about it because it's an issue that highlights and compounds the oppression of African American women in a way that is not obvious to most people.  I also write about it because my mother and grandmother were confined by much oppression,  much more sexist oppression than racist.  I support Prof. Banks wholeheartedly because his book delivers a cannonball blow against that sexist or  racio-misogynist oppression. 

 My husband, Darren, and I consider ourselves to be an ordinary couple. We just happen to have been politically labeled as "black" and "white," and our being together causes some others to have conniption fits because of their own issues.

 Thanks for your interest in me.  I will  mention your request on my site, so that interested others may contact you.

Evia

And I might add here that I think it's VERY important for women from the wider spectrum of more "TYPICAL" AA women to participate in interviews and such like this one because obviously a part of this story is not being told. Key aspects of what it is exactly that keeps so many bw paralyzed need to be fleshed out. I realize that my words have changed some lives, but no one person's words can speak to everyone. YOUR words are needed.

So, some of you who can represent that part of the story really need to step forward. Please step forward and speak for those far too many black girls and bw who continue to "stay in their place," in 2011, for reasons I can't imagine. 

And if you can't do this, please pass this request on to others.

That being said, lots of bw are MOVING ON and will continue.